Time Ticking Down

While I have never been involved in any war, I feel like I have been through a war.

In many respects, I have been in a war. But not a war that you may be thinking of. A war of endless battles to become healthy after years of battling abuse, neglect and other traumatic experiences.

A war in my mind.

Today, I am battling minor paranoia. It is incredibly frustrating but there are minor hints of paranoia. Though I have taken my medications as prescribed, I am terrified of another battle raging inside my mind. My last psychotic episode had been resistant to medication and as I feel minor paranoia peeking through, I am terrified that I may have another one.

The next one could kill me or land me in a state mental institution.

You see, battling mental illness is not just about taking medications or seeing a therapist. It is about battling for a healthy life. Just as people fight through physical illnesses, my fight is to become healthy. To keep my brain healthy. It is about surviving each day as it comes. The medications only go so far. I often feel as if I am battling for more time. More time for sanity. My brain is just waiting. Waiting to go off.

I wish that more people did not avoid what they do not understand.

I wish more people didn't avoid me because they know I have mental illness.

I wish more people tried to understand.

I wish that people did not make fun of me or avoid me because I have mental illness.

I wish that people asked me questions so that I could help them understand.

I have severe mental illness and I know that there is a risk in me talking so openly about it. But this is not just about me. It is about the many thousands of people who fight against mental illness. It has gotten to the point in my life where it is not so easy to hide it anymore. Many people saw me when I had my battles with paranoia and psychosis in the past few months.

I really wish that people were not so afraid of the unknown. We face the unknown every single day.

I wish more people embraced the unknown.

I wish more people embraced me for who I am, not what I have.

It is in the unknown where we find out more truth about ourselves and the world.

My mental illness is very severe and it has tried to take my life many times. It is a battle sometimes between life and death, as the chemicals in my brain cause chaos. When the battle gets that bad, it is a battle for survival. My mind picks up things from my past and creates a realistic yet unrealistic story that I have no choice but to believe. Given time and distance, the story is not realistic anymore but a tale. A tale that makes no sense but made all sense during my psychotic episode.

People think that taking medications solves everything.

Well it doesn't.

It obviously helps, but when you've had resistance to medications such as I have, you just have to live each day to the fullest, not knowing what each day will bring.

To be honest, I am still afraid that my psychosis and paranoia will resurface to an uncontrollable state.

It's one of those things you have to experience to understand.

It scares me. Resistance to medication scares me, especially since I am on heavy doses of heavy duty medications. In my last psychotic episode, I thought the cops were after me. I thought there was no way out of the misery. The terror. The heart beating fast. The eyes fluttering in every direction, trying to find clues. Trying to make sense of the madness. Everywhere I turned there they were, waiting to get me. Waiting to take my life from me.

But to end the madness, I called the police, the exact people I was trying to avoid. I had to face my greatest fear in order to get help. In order to survive. I was lucky.

Sometimes survival with mental illness comes down to our will to live.

I want to live so terribly. Even with all of the chaos in my life. Even though this life has been terribly difficult. It is life and I am going to embrace each day that God gives me on this earth.

Just as I cannot control when or where or if I have flashbacks, I cannot control if there will be another psychotic episode. I pray each day that the paranoia and psychosis stays away. I pray that it doesn't resurface.

Sometimes, it feels as if I am living with a ticking time bomb and I don't know when it will go off.

But what I do decide is if I am going to enjoy this life.

And today, I am going to try my best to enjoy my life, despite the minor paranoia.

I pray each morning of each new day. And I put one step in front of the other, trusting that God will lead the way.