Full Speed Ahead

"Recovery is a process. It takes time to regain, reclaim, and recoup all that was lost while we tried on our own to cope...Building trust takes time, change takes time, healing old wounds takes time; there are no immediate, ready-made solutions...We all have dark times in our lives, but the journey to better times is often what makes us happier, stronger people. When we stop expecting instant relief, we may come to believe that where we are today is exactly where our Higher Power would have us be."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan. 1 Devotion

Some of you may have realized that I have started to read devotions every day, a few from Alanon and a few spiritual/religious. On top of my desk at home, I have 9 devotionals and most days I read each one. May seem crazy, but it is an awesome way to start the day.

Today is a new day, a new year and with it, a new adventure, a new chapter, a new set of challenges. The reason I like this quote is that last year was really tough for me and I often struggled with the fact that not everything went the way I expected or wanted. I wanted easy answers. I wanted everything to be the way I wanted it. But things ended up better than my wildest imagination.

But the truth is... I am exactly where my HP (Higher Power, for all ya non Alanon folks out there) wants me to be. In other words, I am exactly where God wants me.

I am on the road to more healing and more recovery and I know it takes time. But I am really excited about where I am headed and as always, nothing is impossible and nothing can stop me from moving forward with a vengeance.

Having a mental illness is not the end of the world or a death sentence. I see it as a tremendous opportunity to heal and to help others heal. It is something I had to come to terms with in 2013, and I am moving full speed ahead, no matter the challenges.

Today is a new day, a new year... May yours be blessed and may you be able to move forward in the right direction, knowing that you are exactly where God wants you to be.

Need to Break Out

I was looking over some of the quotes I wrote in my notebook/journal from books I've read lately and I came across this quote...

"In my own personal journey, God showed me that I'd never break the pit cycle if I didn't name every contribution I made to it and let Him deal with my self-destructive tendencies."
-Beth Moore, Get Out of That Pit

As I read this quote this morning, I thought "How true is that?" Lately, I've been trying to climb out of the pit that I'm trapped in in order to move forward. Is it me that's holding me back? Is there some part of me that doesn't want to stop thinking about the past? Do I want to be stuck in the pit?

I think the answer to the last question is a resounding no. But the other questions are still up in the air.

I don't know if it's so much that I want to be stuck in the pit but that the pit actually feels comfortable after awhile. Things have gone wrong for most of my life so I think a part of me has gotten used to things going wrong. I think that's where my tendency to catastrophize comes in. Point blank, I'm not used to things going well. I've tended to get used to being stuck in the past. I'm used to having flashbacks all the time.

Most recently, I've been trying to break out of the past. This entails not ruminating about it. It entails getting out of the past, mentally and spiritually. I've noticed that I've even had less flashbacks!

Moving forward is quite possibly one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it is also one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. It takes a lot of courage and strength, but in turn I receive the gift of freedom, something more beautiful than I can simply put into words in a blog post.

A New Chapter

I’m sitting on the floor of my new apartment. I guess I forgot to mention that it’s unfurnished… Well, it will be for about a week. Fortunately, I am getting free furniture.

I guess that's what happens when you move to a cheaper apartment, about $300-400 a month cheaper than my old place. I have to give up only a few things and it is WELL worth the cost.

Thank God for my mother who helped me financially and my friend, Brandi, who helped me move. I am beyond blessed.

I went to finish cleaning my old apartment earlier and right before I left, I said a prayer in the living room for the person who is moving in after me. I prayed that no matter what comes their way, that God leads them and helps them through it, as He did for me. I don't know if I will ever meet whoever moves in after me, but I prayed a lot of blessings upon them.

I feel as if I am entering a new chapter in my life. It’s been nearly four months since my last hospitalization and each day, I am feeling better and better. I battle some paranoia, but I’m getting through it and moving forward. Let me say that again... I'm moving forward.

I am going to miss my old apartment, because it was my first apartment I ever had. It was simple and did the job well. As I wrote last night, I have some very fond memories of it. It got me through some of the most difficult times in my life. When I packed, I kept finding another hospital bracelet. (Don’t know why I was collecting them).

So now is a new chapter… my last semester of graduate school...

Cheers!

Huge Leaps Forward

Where do I begin?

My path for the past few months has been extremely rocky and difficult. With five hospitalizations during my first year of graduate school, I didn't know if I would ever get better. But today I am celebrating. For two reasons.

First, May is the first month that I have not had any hospital visits this year. To say that this is a huge accomplishment is sort of an understatement. I was scared last week when I was paranoid but after calling my doctor and getting an increased dosage of one of my medications, the paranoia went away. I knew that if I waited any longer, I might end up in the hospital. So I stopped it before it became a huge issue. This was a huge step forward for me. In a lot of ways, I am extremely fortunate that I recognize the warning signs. Some people with schizoaffective disorder don't remember their episodes so they cannot piece together the pattern of their paranoia and psychosis.

Second, I was offered a job. To say that it is the perfect job for me at this time in my life is quite an understatement as well. It is only a part time job and I'll be doing some stuff that I have a lot of experience doing, so it will hopefully be less stress. It is stuff I enjoy and I am really looking forward to it. It is something I could see myself doing well and enjoying it while I do it. I had been stressing about my finances, since I recently lost my job and I lost my fellowship, which included a tuition waiver, a stipend and insurance. I basically felt like I lost everything. I've been putting full trust in God.

I am very excited to be turning into a new chapter of my life, hopefully a less chaotic and more stable chapter in my life. It's kind of bittersweet because I know people who are going through some very difficult times with their health and I want to give them hope that things can get better.

Though things seem crazy and the world looks upside down, if you hang in long enough, there really is green grass on the other side. There is a chance to break the cycle and to move forward. A few months ago, I never could have imagined how far I've come. I thought I'd be in and out of hospitals for the rest of my life. But yet, its' been almost 2 months since my last hospitalization. And every day, I wake up and try to put the pieces together.

During my psychiatric appointment this afternoon, I saw one of my doctors from one of my hospitalizations. The first words out of his mouth were "You look so much better." Trust me when I say I feel better. Being paranoid is a whole different world.

Slowly but surely, my life is becoming better and things are looking up. There is always hope.

Always, always, always.

For some odd reason, I've been in the mood for country music so I want to share a song that is ringing true for me lately. It's Keith Urban's God's Been Good To Me.

Living Each Day to the Fullest

I have spent more time with God than I have in any other point in my whole life. I have experienced Him- all of Him, His love, His grace, His mercy, His peace- in a way that I have never experienced before. I know that I am transforming and becoming who He wants me to be. And in a big way, it took me giving up something that I had been holding on to for a long time- my goal to get a PhD. I'm not saying I may never get a PhD, but right now, I do not believe that is what God is calling me to do.

Lately, I've been doing some things I did as a child, like swinging. I think part of it is because I want to heal my inner child and part of it is that I want to create a new childhood. My real childhood was full of abuse. I have never told anyone this but I often refer to it as The Dark Ages. All I remember from that point in my life is darkness. Thank God I made it through those years and that I am finally healing and able to move forward. I've had points in my life when I've moved forward and healed, but I think that this time, it's on a whole new level. I feel the healing. I see the healing. I experience the healing every single day.

Lately, I've also been trying to live each day as if it were my last. Just savoring each moment as it comes. Just being still and knowing God. Experiencing God in a whole new way. Being with God from sunrise to sunset. Embracing the good and the bad. Just loving the life I have, even with all of the dark times. Loving where I am in life and rejoicing in how far I've come. Discovering things about me and the world I never knew before.

Speaking of discovery, I found a new area near the pond that I walk around- an area I never discovered until yesterday. As I walked around this area, I felt like I was walking through uncharted territory- a whole new natural oasis for me to figure out. As I walked around, I felt like a child because I didn't know what was in the area and I want to share some photos that I took of this area. I had so much fun taking these photos, even though other people probably thought I was interesting. I was actually asked the other day by a stranger if I'm taking photos for a class.

As I took the photos, I tried to capture the beauty in the little things around me. God designed this whole world for us to live in and I think that sometimes we don't always appreciate the smallest things. It's so important that as we live our lives, we don't just live with the "day in and day out" mentality, but each day, we are called to discover more about ourselves, God and the world. That is why my life has taken a very exciting turn.

And here come some baby photos of me (Lord, help us all)...

Sometimes in life we just have to laugh and have fun...

Even when we're dazed and confused...

But we need to smile and enjoy the life we have...

Seize the Moments of Today...

I hope that today is not just another day for you, but that you live it as if it is your last- that you truly savor every moment, no matter how difficult today is. Seize the day, as they say.

I want to leave you with a song that I have listened to many times. It is about living like we're dying. It's about saying "I love you" to others before it's too late. We never know when our last day will come, but what we do know is that this life is extremely precious and that we have been blessed with the life we live. God gave us this life so we need to make the most out of it.

Nothing to be Ashamed of

Wow… God is healing me like never before in ways that I never could have imagined and I wanted to share some stuff that happened today in hopes that it may help others.

I came across a post on Facebook about celebrities speaking out about their mental illnesses.

As I watched the videos, I was moved in more ways than one, but especially by Mary J. Blige’s story. Growing up as a teenager, I loved to listen to her music. I could relate to the stories in her songs but as I listened to her tell her story, it was the first time I truly understood why her music spoke to me so much.

She said that “All of my life as a teenager I saw women abused, called names, being beaten.” As she spoke those words, I related. As I have shared, I watched my mother being brutally beaten by my father when I was six years old. My father tried to tell me a few years ago that they were not fighting. Little does he know that her  screams will be forever etched in my mind. The images will forever be ingrained.  He has denied ever abusing me, even though he used to physically abuse me all throughout my childhood. My brother even has flashbacks from watching me be abused.

Having been through so much abuse and watching others being abused has made it next to impossible for me to trust people. When I meet men, I am usually suspicious that they have something that they’re hiding. Sometimes it’s just easier not to trust and just avoid people. But slowly I am learning that there are great people out there who don’t have anything to hide. No ulterior motives. Just kind, genuine and real people who want to help people. As I heal, I am learning how to trust. I am learning that I am worthy of love and that I don't deserve anything less. In many ways, I have come to believe that I deserve the abuse, the hate, the lack of kindness. But I am starting to grow and heal. God is restoring my heart in so many ways.

I stumbled across this flower almost blooming a few days ago and I took a photo of it because in a lot of ways, I feel like I am getting ready to bloom. God is healing and transforming my life in so many ways, it is overwhelming.

It means more than words can say to have people and role models who  speak out about what they have been through. I feel less alone. I know that there are others who relate to me. And that is why I continue to write this blog. Being alone can get pretty dim. Feeling alone is no way to live.

I came across a music video by Demi Lovato, who has spoken out about her bipolar disorder. Her song, Skyscraper made me cry the first time I watched the Youtube video. It is absolutely beautiful. It is a testament to the human spirit and the fact that as humans, we can overcome anything that comes our way. We can stand up against things that are meant to harm us. We can stand tall and be proud of who we are. We can stand up against those who do not show us love. We can stand up to those who treat us badly and sometimes that means just being who we are, instead of letting the memories of their abuse dictate how we feel or how we live our lives.

We truly have nothing to be ashamed of. 

I hope the power in those words really comes across, because tonight I am finally choosing to stand tall. I am making the decision to heal.

Freedom To Soar

Today is May 1^st. And tomorrow will mark one month since I went to the hospital in April. Since January, I have been in the hospital four times, every single month. In three days, I will celebrate one month since I’ve had any paranoia or psychosis. Needless to say, I am pretty excited. (Just a tad?!?!?!)

Never mind... I want to scream it on the mountaintop. MY MEDS ARE WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today feels like a major victory and a major leap forward in the positive direction.

My mom and I talked briefly this morning on my way to a therapy appointment. I said to her during our conversation, "All I know is it's May 1st and I am not in a hospital." We both started crying, actually weeping for joy. If you have been with me through the battles in the past four months, you know why this is monumental. 

She and I talked about another miracle that happened a few months ago. A few months ago, I finally found the lake where I would spend much of my time in the past few months.

Birds have been a huge theme in my life. After my father left the house when I was six and I was recovering from his abuse, I came to love watching the movie “Fly Away Home.” It is about a little girl who loses her mother in a car accident and she falls in love with a flock of geese and helps them to fly. During the abuse that I endured as a child, I would often dissociate and imagine I was soaring in the sky like a bird. I felt like I was flying. That is how I survived and how I escaped the miserable pain. I would often have nightmares that I was being chased by “bad guys” but as soon as they became close, I would bend my knees and jump up, soon flying far away from them. I would turn around and look down at them, but the “bad guys” couldn’t fly so they were running after me on the ground. I can still feel the freedom that I felt as I flew through the sky.

During my time at the lake, I have spent a lot of time with wildlife. In March, there were a few weeks in which I would go to the lake, and at least one white bird would always come right up to me and stay with me while I was at the lake. One time there were about 9 or 10 of the white birds. Another day, I was at an opposite side of the lake and I saw hundreds of the white birds flying over the lake. My heart literally was leaping for joy. Every time I saw the white birds, my mind would be silenced and my heart would be full of peace and hope.

Except one day, my anxiety and paranoia got to be too much. There were 5 or 6 white birds above me as I walked around campus. They were hovering above me, just a little bit ahead of me. I knew I had to go to the hospital, and they literally guided me to the hospital. They hovered above me the whole way to the hospital. I don’t really remember anything about how I got to the hospital, just that those white birds helped me get there. I literally followed them to the hospital. Within a few hours of being in the hospital, I became catatonic. I did not eat, sleep or talk for two days. My body went into complete shutdown. I often wonder what would have happened if I had not followed those birds, if they had not guided me.

Now some of you may think this story is crazy, that maybe I hallucinated those birds. I kept this story hidden  inside for a few weeks, kind of because I was both in awe of what happened, but I also did not think that anyone would believe me. My mother even said she had been hesitant to ask me how I got to the hospital. The doctors were shocked that I even made it to the hospital in my condition. But I choose to tell this story about the birds because it is a true miracle, and not the first miracle God has done in my life. Also, I saw other people looking at the white birds. I know other people saw them. I had grown to love those white birds in the weeks leading up to my hospitalization.

Since I got out of that hospitalization, I have not seen the white birds as much. I feel deeply that God brought them to me at exactly the appointed time that I needed them. They brought me calm, peace and hope at a time that I desperately needed them. They were there for me.

For me, birds have always signified freedom. The freedom to soar above the storms of life. The freedom to overcome difficulties and hardships. The freedom to live through another day, no matter how difficult it is. The freedom to just be, to just soar, to just fly.

For many years, as I was being abused, I did not have that freedom. I barely had any freedom whatsoever. But as I continue to move forward, into the future that God has planned for me, I continue to feel more free each and every day. I continue to feel free to soar over my storms. I feel free to be who God called me and who He continues to call me to be.

As I celebrate a new month and a new chapter in my life, I celebrate with the birds and I celebrate the freedom I have in Christ.