Be Free

“Healing is nearly completed when a victim can reclaim her courage and realign her choices with the dreams and values she has always cherished. We can recover from fear when we are able to remember who we are and always have been, and put that knowledge into action.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

This morning, as I finished The Paranoia Switch, I feel as if I am reclaiming my courage and healing in tremendous ways. I’ve had a few breakthroughs in my healing process in the past few weeks and I am really excited about the prospect of moving forward and doing what God has called me to do, the dreams which I believe He has put into my heart.

This summer has definitely been a healing one.

One of my greatest dreams is to help others through biomedical engineering. I want to make the lives of those with physical disabilities easier and more manageable. I am extremely excited about my last semester of the Master’s program. I believe that with my degree, I will have a great chance to help many. 

I'm at the point where I feel like nothing can stop me from achieving my dreams.

The quote above struck me because it is so concise and simple, yet so profound. I love the second sentence, in which Stout says that “we can recover from our fear when we are able remember who we are.”

Who are you?

I can honestly say that I know inside and out that I am a beautiful child of God.

That has not always been easy to say and recognize.

But I’m healing and I'm starting to really believe it.

I deal with multiple mental illnesses, which constantly affect me in ways that make me more fearful. Not only do I struggle with PTSD, an anxiety disorder, but I also have schizoaffective disorder, through which I suffer from paranoia and psychosis.

And that’s where trusting in God comes into my life.

No matter what comes my way, God is for me and not against me. I could be having the worst day imaginable, but God goes with me and is there for me every step of the way.

And He does the same for you.

“Freedom is frightening, and hard. It requires us to be brave and to remain in charge of our own minds.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

How true is that?

Freedom can be frightening and very hard. It's like diving into the unknown, diving into something different than you've ever experienced before. To be free in Christ is an adventure.

Part of it is about taking back control. It's about recognizing who we are in God- how precious we are to Him.

And that's the process I'm going through at this moment.

I want to leave you with a quote from the new book I'm reading.

"Imagine a life where we could... let the world see us for who we really are- vulnerable, valuable, hurting, hoping, dreaming, believing, wondering, wandering people who just want to be known and loved and accepted "as is"... both by God and by others."
-Steven James, Becoming Real

Let us all believe that we are to be loved, as we are.

The Ultimate Healer

Today I am celebrating two months since I got out of my last hospitalization. After four months of being in and out of hospitals adding up to almost a month and a half of time, it is such a relief that things are getting better.

I still struggle sometimes with paranoia and my PTSD is still hard to control, but I am really excited to be moving forward and healing. Sometimes when you’re going through a storm, you forget that things can get better. They can. And they will if you trust God and lean on Him.

“Our God is a God of truth and light. Lies are exposed when truth is spoken. Darkness is banished when light is allowed to shine.”

-Diane Langberg, On the Threshold of Hope

I grew up surrounded with lies. Lies that told me I was inhuman and not worthy of real love. Lies that told me I would never have a good life. Lies that told me I was good for nothing.

So what is the truth that I have found in God?

Well, the truth I have found relates to all of us.

I am beautiful. No matter what others may say, we are fearfully and wonderfully made. There is nobody like me and I am a beautiful creation of God.

I am worthy of God’s love. God loves me just for who I am, not for what I’ve done or haven’t done. He loves me for who I am. Nothing I do or say can stop Him from loving me. I know I've made mistakes in the past, but God has forgiven me. I am not my past. I am here in the present and that's what matters. God's love is always with us.

I am worthy of love from other people. Just as I should love others, I deserve to be loved by other people. Even though I grew up in horrible abusive circumstances where I was not loved by certain people, I am worthy of love from others.

I have been redeemed. Redemption comes when you can move forward from the past and look to the future that God has in store. It comes when you are rescued from what was and you move forward into God's love. Redemption is a huge part of the healing process. It comes when the lies we have been told are overtaken by the truth we find in God. It comes when we no longer dwell on the pain or hurts in the past. We no longer live in the past.

I am being restored. Restoration begins when you start healing from the past. God comes into your life and starts to heal your past regrets and hurts. Restoration is a process through which we find out who God is. He is the ultimate Healer. Restoration is when broken hearts are healed. After years of abuse, my restoration process is still going on.

I am God’s child. No matter what others have said or are saying about you, know that you are God’s child. Nothing that happens on this earth can take that truth away. After years of being treated like I am less than human, it has taken a long time to realize this statement. I am actually wanted, loved and adored by God and my identity is His child. No matter what's happened in the past, I can leave it because I know my real identity in Christ. I am dearly loved by Him.

God is healing me every day and helping me to move forward. If you allow Him, He can heal you from your pain and hurt as well. Allow Him to restore. Allow Him to heal. Allow Him to reveal the lies. Allow Him to renew.

Clean Break for the Positive

I was watching an episode from Duck Dynasty a few days ago. I haven't really watched any TV since last August, but I have wanted to start watching some new shows. I have to say that there are some pretty interesting shows on TV.

Anyways, one of the characters of Duck Dynasty said something that really resonated with me. I was not expecting this amidst all the jokes of the show. I really was not expecting anything deep. But it was deep.

Part of the show, Kay is selling stuff in the front of the family home, attempting to get rid of the old and bring a new beginning into her home. At the end of the show, someone said (I don't know the characters well enough to know which one):

"People are nature's number one creature. We tend to hold to get comfortable, stuck in our ways and we fear change. We like to hold onto old things in order to hold onto old memories when usually it keeps us from making new ones. Sometimes you gotta bite the bullet and make a clean break from the past to start a fresh beginning."

Again, I was not expecting anything deep, but I think this resonates with me because I am trying to start a fresh beginning in my life. I am trying to replace all the negativity of my past with positivity for the future. As painful as it is to admit, I've gotten used to things being difficult. I've gotten used to being hurt. I've gotten used to things being out of control in a lot of ways.

But God doesn't intend for us to get used to pain and misery. Yes, it is a part of life that we all have to go through, but it's only a part not the whole. The problem begins when pain becomes the only part of life we see and experience.

I love that he says we gotta bite the bullet and move forward into a new beginning. That is the phase of my life that I am currently going through. I am trying to make a clean break for the future that God has in store.

I fear change, though. In many ways, I feel much more comfortable in difficult circumstances and situations than easy ones. If things aren't difficult, I get anxious and feel weird. If things are going well, most often I feel like things are too good to be true. It feels awkward. To me, things aren't supposed to be good. They've always been insanely difficult.

But that's not how life is supposed to be.

I'm not saying things are always going to be peachy keen and hunky dory but we also are supposed to live in the light, hope, peace, joy and love of God.

As I move forward, I am trying to make the past what it really is: the past. It is gone, over and done with. It really is history. And now I am attempting to create positive memories instead of the constant negative memories I relive through my PTSD.

The lyrics of History by Matthew West, one of my favorite songs which I was just reminded of, says:

Yesterday is history

And history is miles away

So leave it all behind you

Let it always remind you of the day

The day that love made history

The Synchronization of Change

Lately I have been reading a lot of research papers in order to prepare a paper for one of my classes. The papers have been on various studies that looked at the synchronization and desynchronization of neural signals.

When our neural signals are synchronized and working together, the signals are amplified. However, when the signals are desynchronized, there are a lot of issues, such as disorders like schizophrenia and Alzheimer’s. There is a lot of chaos in desychronization.

I was thinking about this phenomenon on a personal level. When things in my life seem chaotic and my life seems like it is in a million scattered pieces, I don’t function well. Currently, I am trying to integrate the two major parts of my life- the very successful person who has made an impact in the world and the very deeply hurt child who wants to heal. Because my life is kind of split, it has caused a lot of chaos in my life. I believe that with the integration of the parts of my life, my life will, in essence, be amplified. My message of hope and healing to others will be amplified.

I also thought about this with respect to our world as a whole. Watch the news and you are bombarded with news that shows that our world is scattered. People are killed every day, intentionally and unintentionally. People are hurting. People die from hunger and thirst. Women.  Men. Children. Our world as a whole is hurting.

And that is where unity comes in. It is in our unity that we can find peace.

“For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith;  if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach;  if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.”

-Romans 12:4-8 (NIV)

We all have gifts, whether or not you are Christian. We all have talents that we can use to make this world a better place. But it takes each one of us to make this world more peaceful.

I am frustrated with the news. I am frustrated that everywhere I turn, there is bad news. I am frustrated that women are raped, that people are judged incorrectly, that there is not more justice and truth in our world. I am frustrated that our world is not more peaceful. I truly have a dream for a more peaceful nation and world. I have a dream that we will unite, not just as Christians, but as people. I have hope that this every person on this world will feel loved, appreciated and accepted.

It takes each one of us to turn this chaos into beauty.

My question to you is: will you join me?

It does not take much to make someone’s day. A simple smile can make someone’s day. A simple five minute conversation can tell someone that they matter and that you care about them.

If we want the world to change, we must stop the cycle and learn from our past. We need to stop the chaos and the desynchronization in our world. During the learning process, neural signals are strengthened through synchronization and coherence. Response times for various tasks are shortened.

In the same way, we need to look back on all of the negative events in our world and learn from them so that we can not only respond quicker, but that we can use the learning process to move forward into a more peaceful world.

If we really want the world to change, we need to unite. Our signals inside of us need to be synchronized. Our signals towards each other need to be synchronized. I have had enough of the desynchronization and chaos. We need to unite together.

This world needs to change.

Going Through the Emotions

“The process of metamorphosis is going to hurt. Let it hurt. The more you fight it the longer it takes and the worse the pain seems…Even though change hurts, it is better than living in constant misery and discouragement. Let God do whatever He needs and wants to do in you.”

-Joyce Meyer, The Battle Belongs to the Lord

I am going through a time of metamorphosis in which I am dealing with my past. It is not easy, but sometimes we have to go through difficult times in order to move forward into what God has planned for us.

Sometimes that means feeling the pain and the despair of past hurts and regrets.

Sometimes that means letting God be God and allowing Him to work in us, within us and through us.

Lately, I have had feelings of immense guilt over things that I did in the past, some of which people say is not my fault and that I should not feel any guilt or shame from. However, there is a lot of shame associated with the guilt. I have points in which I feel like an absolute nobody, especially when I remember times when I was not treated well. I realize that I am not worthy of what Jesus did on the cross.

But the truth is that none of us is worthy of the mercy and grace that God has shown us. As much as I want to do good things and love everyone, I will make mistakes and sin. I sin every day. That is what makes Christ’s death on the cross so beautiful and powerful.

A few months ago, I entered intensive treatment for my PTSD. The treatment program was based on prolongued exposure therapy. In order to get into the program, I had a 7-hour long interview session, in which I gave details about my past- the traumatic experiences, the abuse, the neglect, the homelessness, the loss, the drug abuse, etc… All of it.

Prolonged exposure therapy is unique in that it entails going back and going through the trauma detail by detail. I had to go back and deal with the worst times in my life head on, reliving the details. I was unable to continue the treatment since I began to have flooding memories to the point that I could not function.

However, I know that there is a lot of psychological backing to the idea that if you want to overcome negative feelings, sometimes you need to go through them and live in them. You need to feel in order to move forward. It doesn’t mean that we should feel those negative feelings all the time. I would not be able to function if I lived in my flashbacks all the time. Currently, I have about 10 a day and that makes it somewhat difficult to function. But it does mean feeling them completely, not running away from the hurt, the pain, the obstacles, the struggles.

As difficult as it was for me to go through the interview, it was very empowering to speak about what I went through in order to get to where I am. I have tried my whole life to hide my past from most people. I did not invite friends over to my house so that they wouldn't see the alcoholism in my family or the fact that I was poor. But in trying to hide such a big part of what makes me who I am, I internalized the shame. Now I am slowly picking up those pieces and trying to make sense of my past so that I can move forward.

I do not know about you but if someone tells me not to think about something, I usually end up thinking about that thing more. So by going through the negative emotions and feelings, sometimes it helps us to truly deal with them.

In her book, Joyce Meyer mentions some of her difficulties in her childhood, of which I can relate and I believe that many others can. Some of us have had difficult childhoods. Mine was full of terror and I had to fight through many obstacles even to survive. In many ways, I feel as though I grew up much quicker than anyone should have to.

Although we cannot change the past, we need to deal with our past so that it does not ruin the future that God has for us.

“I saw that I could not do anything about what I had lost, and I started looking at what I had left. For one thing, I had the rest of my life, and so do you. Even if the years you have lived weren’t pleasant, you still have your future.”

-Joyce Meyer, The Battle Belongs to the Lord

This is not easy. I personally am working on reconciling the various parts of my life so that I can be whole. I have been extremely successful academically and in various other areas of my life, but at the same time, I am constantly reliving the worst times of my childhood. I am a 24 year old 80% of the time and an abused, neglected, hurt, and frightened little girl the other 20% of the time. Who I am is torn. The feelings I feel are shattered and conflicting. Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. I have often told people that I feel as though I'm living two lives. Being bipolar does not help things as my emotions constantly cycle from being very excited about life to being very depressed.

But God brings peace and calm into my chaotic life every day, as He tells me the truth. I am amazed every day at how awesome God truly is.

Though it’s difficult, I take life one day at a time, hoping and praying for wholeness. I feel that we are all called to move forward, no matter how difficult things get. This too shall pass...

I want to leave off with a song that speaks about taking life one day at a time and learning to breathe.

The Love That Never Ends

When I started the journey of this Lenten season, I had no idea where God would lead me. I had no idea of the changes and the amount of healing that I would go through. I had no idea that I would go through so many difficulties.

But through this season, God has truly called my name. He helped me to transform and become closer to Him, closer to Him than I think I ever thought was possible. This morning, during the Easter service at my church, I remembered my baptism. I recommitted to my faith in a way that is very difficult to explain. I realized through the most difficult times in the past 40 days, that the only reason I am here, the only reason I wake up each morning no matter how difficult the day before was, is God and His love and strength. It is only through His strength and guidance that I have endured so much and yet still cling so tightly to Him.

Ever since I moved here last August, I have struggled to make really strong connections with others. I attribute it to my prideful actions and words. I honestly wish I could personally apologize to everyone who I hurt. I think one of the biggest reasons I was so prideful was and is that deep down, I feel like I am not good enough for others. I am ashamed of many things in my past. I grew up being told I was nothing, both through the actions and words of others. My father told me I was stupid and teased me nearly every day.

But there is one event in my life particularly in the past few years that I am most ashamed of.

In past posts and at various points in the past few years, I told people that I fell off a building and that God saved my life. The truth is that I jumped. I was so lost, so broken, so desperate, so empty inside, so ashamed, so shattered, so full of fear, that I thought the only way that I could overcome the difficulties in my life was to permanently end the pain. I thought it was my only way out of the suffering.

But God has continually shown me that through His strength, I can move forward in my life. I do not have to let the painful moments in my life run or ruin everything. I can move forward into wholeness, into a peace which surpasses all understanding.

By the grace of God, I survived the jump. The police said that a tree saved my life. I am also blessed that even though I sustained a few burst fractures in my vertebrae that I can walk and run.

I realized this morning that I do not have to be ashamed of my attempt. In the past few years, I have been extremely ashamed of it. Some of it has been because I do not want to remember how I felt at that time. I tell others that I fell so that I am not bombarded by questions. I do not want to go back there. But still some of the shame came from feeling like I betrayed God; I felt like I was so far from Him. How can He forgive me for trying to take the most wonderful and precious gift- my life- that I have ever been given? How will He ever forgive me for that? Can I really still be loved by God after doing that? Can He really and truly care about me that much?

And the answer to those questions is yes. He tells me all the time how much He loves me.

The main reason I wanted to share this with you is because I can truly say that no matter how bad the things we have done are, God’s love is greater still. As Corrie Ten Boom said, “There is no pit so deep, that God's love is not deeper still.” Nothing, truly nothing, can separate us from His love.

I have realized that I have nothing to be ashamed of, because Christ has redeemed me in a way that no one and nothing else can redeem me. I do not have to run from my past any longer, because it has made me who I am. It has made me an incredibly strong person. It has made me closer to God than I think I ever have been. His love is more powerful, more full of grace, more full of mercy than any other love in this world.

And that… that is why I choose to live and fight through each day in order to move forward. I have sinned, I have said awful things, I have tried to hide the deep, dark part of me from others, but God has picked me up out of that and truly placed my feet on the firm foundation. He has filled me with a faith and a peace which truly do not make sense. I am not ashamed anymore that He chose to save me from the darkest time in my life or that He chose to call me by my name so that I could run towards Him.

My prayer and hope for you is that you know that you are forgiven. My prayer is that together, we can walk unashamed of the love that was shown on the cross. Our shame gone. Our guilt gone. Our sins washed away. The dirt no longer apparent. White as snow.

My prayer is that you know that there is someone who offers you healing in a way that you could not even imagine. There is someone who goes with you into each of the storms you will face. He forgives you. He loves you. And He never stops loving and healing you. There is nothing, no one greater than Him.

And most of all, He is mighty to save.

The Incomprehensible Truth

The past few days have been very difficult, to be truly honest. I have had some hypervigilance and some points in my days in which I just completely started sobbing. Yesterday, before I went to the Good Friday service at my church, I spent half an hour in the shower weeping. As I weep, I feel a release of all of the burdens I have carried ever since I was a little child.

The mind and the brain are very interesting. Lately, I have felt that some people question my memories of growing up because of the fact that I had a psychotic breakdown a few weeks ago that led to my ninth hospitalization. But my memories are what led to that psychosis. Right before my hospitalization, I had flooding memories. Memories of nearly every part of my life, whether good or bad, just came into my mind and I could not stop it. The flooding was just uncontrollable. It was almost as if the neural networks in my brain were on overdrive.

As the memories came, I tried to piece them together, trying to make sense of them. Not all of them were new memories. As I tried to make sense of the memories, that was when the psychosis began.

When I was in the hospital, I thought that all of the other patients were people from all throughout my life. They even took on the voices of different people who have been in my life, people who I have not even talked to since I was a little child. Their voices were clear as day.

As I started to take the medications, the voices of the people throughout my life started to fade. The other patients and the doctors around me took on their normal voices and I “woke up.” I realized that they were not people from throughout my life. But the memories were still there and still are.

The reason I wanted to share this is because sometimes we want to know “why.” We want God to explain Himself, why He allowed very difficult things in our lives. If you watch the mass media after any disaster, they immediately try to figure out what happened and "why." As humans, I think that we always want answers, especially since so much information is available in our society. 

As my memories started flooding, I immediately wanted to explain everything. I wanted answers. I wanted the truth from lies that I have been told throughout my life. I wanted to know how all of those things could have happened to me for so long. I wanted to know why I felt like people were questioning the validity of my memories, which I have had my entire life.

But the more I asked those questions, the more I searched for the answers to “why,” the more psychotic I became. The more hypervigilant I was. The more other people questioned the validity of what my mind had pieced together with all of the memories.

Currently, I am still having a lot of memories. The other morning, I saw a picture from when I was in elementary school and the memories began flooding again. I still want the answers of “why.” Why was my family the way it was? How could all of that stuff happen to me? Where was God? Why did He not stop it? 

I still want to search for the truth. I still want justice to be served for the people who made my childhood and my life in general miserable at times. I want to know the truth, because I have been told many lies throughout my life, especially the last few years.

I read something very powerful the other day. Jesus even felt alone. He even felt what it was like to ask God where He was? Why did He not save Jesus on the cross?

"About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lemasabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”)" -Matthew 27:46 (NIV)

I think that even Jesus felt frustrated at God. At the darkest time in Jesus's life, God did not show up and take His son off the cross. He allowed His son to go through a miserable death on the cross.

The more I think about everything, the more I am coming to realize that the truth is something that I may never know. Never see. Never understand. Never fully comprehend. I do not know if I will ever know or be able to understand and explain everything that I have been through.

Because sometimes evil is incomprehensible.

The most important truth is that I am God’s child, as we all are. The truth is that we are unconditionally loved by our Creator, even when we do not trust others on this earth to love us. When God says that He loves us, He truly means it. He means it in a way that I do not think anybody could mean when they say “I love you.”

When God says that he loves me, it is usually through nature. Every time I see a sunrise or a sunset, I hear Him say “I love you.” I do not actually hear a voice, but He speaks through the beauty of the clouds. He speaks through the beauty of a butterfly flying around me. He speaks through the beauty of a white bird coming to sit by me at the lake. That is how He chooses to comfort me throughout this difficult time.

Through nature, He says to me “I am with you through this storm. I will get you through this. Keep trusting me.”

I wanted to leave this post with a song that really has helped me in many ways, especially through this time of grieving my childhood and realizing some things about my past which I have either denied or kept in for most of my life.

At the most difficult times in our lives, I believe that we truly are called to “Cry Out to Jesus.” When others do not have the words to say to us in order to comfort us, He always has the words to comfort. He is the ultimate Comforter. The ultimate Healer. The ultimate Transformer.

Renewed Day By Day

“If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith!”

-Luke 12:28 (NIV)

This verse came to my mind this morning as I took this photo:

I’m going to admit it. Sometimes it is hard to trust God.

Growing up, there were many times when my family was not sure how much food we would have for the next week. But God always shown through.

God always provides, maybe not when we want Him to or how we want Him to, but He always does...

When my mother lost her job when I was growing up, we were worrying a lot about money. When she was volunteering as a teacher for Vacation Bible School at our church, one of the other women asked me to get the key to our family van. I did not think twice so I got the key. Later, when we were getting ready to leave the church, we opened up the van. Our van was full of food and supplies. I still cry to this day thinking about it. One of the women at my church decorated the van with Bible verses, including this one:

“For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.”

-Psalm 91:11 (KJV)

In high school, when I was going through a period of “couch-surfing” due to being evicted, one of my teachers gave me a huge bag of really nice hand-me-down clothing. It did not matter to me that the clothes were used. It meant the world to me to have "new" clothes to wear to school.

After we moved in to a new apartment in the middle of my senior year of high school, I started to receive college acceptance letters. Our new fear was now how I was going to finance college. The money that my grandparents had saved up for my education went towards my oldest brother's funeral costs. I was literally left with nothing. But that did not phase God for a second.

Once again, God provided and I recently graduated from college.

I cannot even begin to tell  you how many hours I spent in college trying to figure out how I was going to pay the tuition, how many sleepless nights…

“Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

-Matthew 6:27 (NIV)

None of us truly can add an hour to our lives by worrying.

Since I have an anxiety disorder, sometimes it is very challenging to not worry. But when I start to worry about things, I try to remember how far I have come and how much God has helped me through every single obstacle I have faced. Why would He stop now after everything He helped me get through?

The question becomes not about if He is going to provide or answer my prayers, but how He will.

With God, we truly have nothing to fear, because He is always on our side.

I’m going to admit it… I think our world needs to change in major ways. I am deeply saddened to know how many people do not pray on a daily basis. Prayer, to me, is the essence of our relationship with God.

The points in my life when I had the most doubts about God were not only the most difficult points in my life, but they also were the times when I was not in communication with God. It was not that He was there… I was just too stubborn to listen. I thought I could handle things on my own. It is really difficult to think about some of the things I said about God. I literally thought I could do everything by myself.

The more I have been in communication with Him lately, I have realized how much I need God to get through the storms. I also realized that our world needs to listen to Him more than ever.

My family has not had a car for six years. I never got my license because the car I was supposed to drive ended up being totaled by a family member. I spent a lot of time frustrated at this family member. How could they leave our family without a car? How could they do that to me? How could they make me have to ask for rides all the time?

But the more I am without a car, I realize how tremendous of a blessing it is not to have a car. I feel like when people drive, they miss out so much of the beauty of God. As they rush to the next meeting or their next destination, they do not have a chance to enjoy the beauty of the sunsets, the sunrises and the beauty of nature. Instead, they are buried in rage at other drivers or so distracted by where they have to get to that they miss the beauty.

I feel completely blessed to not have a car. I highly prefer to walk everywhere I have to be, because I get an opportunity to enjoy all of God’s creation. He speaks to me through nature.

Many people ask me where I take my photos. Most are shocked when I tell them that it is somewhere they pass by all of the time.

I am left asking, When did our society get too busy for God? Why is our only communication with God usually the one hour service on Sunday?

The more time I have spent with God lately, the more I realize how powerful, how majestic, and how beautiful He is…

I am literally going through one of the most difficult times in my life, but the more time I spend with Him, the more I realize that God’s got my back when nobody else does. He can piece together my life in a way that nothing and nobody on this earth can. He is not just a crutch… He holds my life together when I literally feel everything falling apart. He weeps with me, empathizes with me, and is there when my surroundings seem dreary, cloudy and dark.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” 
-2 Corinthians 4:16 (NIV)

Let God renew your life. I can promise you from experience that it will be the best step you ever make in your life. Allow Him to be the center of your life. Allow Him to take away your fears and doubt.

And it’s not just a two-second decision. Walking with God is a process and a journey. I did not just wake up one day and say “Hallelujah! Jesus is the center of my life.” For me, God has shown Himself in so many parts of my life that I have no other decision but to believe in Him and spend my life getting to know Him.

My pastor posted this video and I wanted to share it, because I think it really illustrates how God can take our brokenness, the points when we feel “worn,” and make something absolutely beautiful with the mess. He truly can take the worst situations and turn them into something absolutely gorgeous and amazing.

I cried the first time I watched this video because I have felt "worn." I have had many moments in my life when I felt like I couldn't go on. My prayer is that no matter where you are at, no matter how difficult things are in your life, that you allow God to work through you and in you.

To Love Beyond The Hurt

“If I hadn’t let go of that anger, I’d be consumed by this need for revenge. Forgiving him helps me move on.” –Victoria Ruvolo

Yesterday afternoon, I went to the library to return some books. Since I have a bunch of books already out, I had not planned on looking for other books, but something told me to check the New Books section. I came across Max Lucado’s new book “Grace” and began reading it last night.

In this book, Max talks about Victoria Ruvolo’s story. A teenage boy tried to pull a prank on her, which ultimately landed her in the ICU struggling to stay alive. She chose to forgive this boy, though, and a judge gave him a reduced sentence.

Something that God has been speaking to me a lot about lately is forgiveness. Throughout my life, I have constantly been deeply hurt by those I loved the most. To tell you the truth, I love those people still, but deep inside, I do still feel angry about what they have done to me.

Why would they do that to me? Why was I not protected? Why have I protected others, but when it comes to protecting me, nobody was there? How could I be hurt so deeply by those I love and care for so much?

I also have some anger towards myself as well.

Why did I let them do those things to me? So what if I was a little kid and didn’t know any better- I knew it was not the right thing to do, so why did I do those things? Is there something wrong with me?

These are the questions I have been dealing with a lot lately.

Deep down, I know that if I want to move forward, then I need to forgive myself and also truly forgive those who have hurt me.

Part of the reason it has been so difficult to forgive is that most of those people have not really changed. Most of them have yet to even apologize for what they have done to me. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it to forgive them if they keep doing the same thing that led me to forgive them in the first place.

But isn’t that how God works towards us?

I know personally that I have apologized to others and God for something and then continued to do the same thing, usually not on purpose. Sometimes I believe that true repentance is a process, not just a click of the finger and everything’s okay. To truly change a behavior takes time.

No matter what, though, God always forgives us. And His forgiveness is a gift, not something that we can earn by doing good things.

Max Lucado shines light on one of the most symbolic representations of the forgiveness we find in God. He talked about how Jesus washed the disciples’ feet. Jesus Christ became a servant and literally washed the feet of those who doubted him and even betrayed him.

I do not know if I would even be able to wash the feet of those people in my life who have hurt me so deeply.

But as Christians and as human beings, I believe that we are called to forgive. It’s not necessarily for those who have hurt us. It is about moving forward and not letting the anger rule our lives. It is not saying what the person did was right at all, which is something I have personally struggled with.

As I have shared previously, in the past few months when I was having bouts of spasms and stuttering, I was mocked, laughed at and ignored at various times by many people. In those times, I continually said to myself, “Forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing.”

Jesus Christ came to love and to heal, yet he was mocked, laughed at, ignored, and eventually brutally murdered by those he loved. I find truth in those words that He said on the cross, because I have felt them and said them. I have prayed for and loved those who have hurt me, not by my strength but through God’s strength. The people who hurt me in the recent months and also throughout my life probably do not know the full extent of how deeply they hurt me. But they do not need to, because I still love them and I realize that they probably did not know everything that they were doing. They did not know everything that was going on. They did not realize how deeply it hurt to be laughed at when I was trying so hard to control my uncontrollable spasms. But I realized that in order for me to move forward, I needed to ask God to help me forgive them in those moments. I did not want anger to rule over me.

On a larger scale, I am currently working towards forgiving those who have hurt me on a much deeper level and for much longer periods of time in my life. Forgiveness, I think, is one of the most important steps in the healing process, but it tends to be the most difficult as well, especially forgiving ourselves.

I do not know everything about forgiveness, and I do not think I can honestly say that I have fully forgiven those in my past. But what I can say is that I am on the journey towards forgiveness and healing. Not for those who have hurt me. But for my ability to move forward and to do everything that God has called me to do. Again, forgiveness is a process and a journey.

To forgive is to live. To forgive is to heal. To forgive is to move forward.

Where True Beauty Lies...

In my earlier post this morning, I talked about 2 Corinthians 5:17 and being a new creation in God. Since my mother has been visiting me due to my hospitalization, we decided to visit the butterfly exhibit at a local museum.

As I walked around in the butterfly sanctuary this morning, I was filled with a joy and contentment that is very difficult to put into words.

Butterflies and birds have been a huge way that God communicates with me. I was given a story by one of my therapists a few years ago about a man who saw a butterfly struggling to emerge from a cocoon. He wanted to help it, so he decided to cut the cocoon. Unfortunately, by cutting the cocoon, he did not allow the butterfly to strengthen its wings. When the butterfly emerged, it could not fly because its wings were not strong enough.

In the same way, our obstacles are exactly what we need to build strength, determination, courage and wisdom. The Bible talks about it in this way:

“And not only [that], but we also boast in tribulations,

knowing that tribulation works endurance;

and endurance, experience; and experience, hope;

and hope does not make ashamed,

because the love of God is shed abroad

in our hearts by [the] Holy Spirit

which has been given to us.”

-Romans 5:3-5 (DARBY)

This morning, one butterfly immediately caught my eye. There were quite a few of this type of butterfly. It frustrated me as I was taking photos of them, because they were so fast and when they stopped, their wings always closed.

However, when these butterflies flew around, their wings were of one of the most beautiful shades of blue I have ever seen.

The reasons that these butterflies close their wings when they land is because their blue wing color makes them more vulnerable to predators. As I thought about this, Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North came on my phone. Going to the butterfly exhibit was by far one of the most healing experiences I have had since starting this healing journey a few months ago.

Throughout this healing journey, I have realized that God uses nature to communicate to me in very dramatic ways. As I thought about these butterflies, I realized that some of the most vulnerable parts of our lives are also some of the most beautiful parts of who we are. Those vulnerable parts of our lives that we try to hide from everyone around us are exactly what makes us beautiful. Sometimes the struggles in our lives lend themselves to become beautiful blessings. They make us who we are. They are a part of us, just as the blue wings are a part of the butterflies. However, they do not make up the whole butterfly.

I have opened up a lot in this blog and I hope that by being genuine and real that people see the beauty in God and the beauty in my life even through all of the obstacles I have had to face.

I do not know why God allowed all the negative things to happen in my life, but what I do know is that God has continually given me the strength I need to get through. God always provides at the right time. In the same way, God gives animals and everything in nature exactly what they need to survive.

Some of the butterflies were given unique colors and designs in order to be able to camouflage themselves, like this one…

Quite a few of the butterflies had broken wings, yet they did not lose their beauty. Actually, I was drawn to these butterflies, because they still flew even with their broken wings. They were still beautiful. They were still alive. Through their brokenness, they still survived. No matter how broken I have felt in my life, God always provided. In many ways, I currently feel broken, but God is helping me get through this extremely difficult part of my life. He is healing me in tremendous and powerful ways. I am still God’s beautiful creation. I may feel broken, but deep down, I am not. God is strengthening me and helping me fly.

We are all unique. All of the things that happen in our lives make us unique. All of our gifts are what make us unique. Our uniqueness is what makes us beautiful. Our beauty comes from how God created each of us. Our beauty comes from how God never stops caring for us, no matter what comes into our lives. Our beauty comes from God.

Look at how beautiful these butterflies are yet how uniquely they were designed…