Lifting the Stigmas

So just like that... the paranoia has lifted. The fog is gone.

I saw some people licking their lips but it doesn't really phase me anymore. I just moved on. I think part of my success is the new medication kicking in and the other part of it has been therapy, working through the paranoid thoughts.

People know I'm vocal about my disorders. I don't think people should have to be ashamed of having mental illness. There is nothing shameful about having a misbalance in the chemicals in the brain, the most complex organ in our bodies. For me, I have come across many stigmas dealing with mental illness. But fortunately, they haven't stopped me from getting help.

I think all too much, stigmas have stopped many people from getting the help they need. It is annoying at times that many other disorders or diseases have no stigmas, but if I tell someone I have mental illness, they suddenly turn away. It's like people want to run away from me; I have an adult case of the cooties.

Mental illness is not something to make fun of or run away from. It can be devastating. But with proper help, it can be treated. With therapy and medications, I have stayed out of the hospital for almost 3 months, despite having bad paranoia and PTSD. I am moving forward in a lot of ways.

If you care about mental illness or people with it, please watch this video I found yesterday and share it with others. We have a voice and together, we can fight the stigmas.

A Love That Never Fails

A few weeks ago, quite a few bloggers posted about something that hurt autistic people and those who care about them. If you were unaware, if you Googled “autistic people should" a few weeks ago (I believe it has since changed), the autofill feature came up with phrases such as “be killed,” “be eradicated,” and “be cured.”

As someone who was diagnosed with Aspergers, a form of autism, twice in the past few months, seeing this and hearing about it hurt me deeply. To me, having Aspergers is a gift, not a negative thing. In fact, I love that it makes me see the world differently. I love that I am obsessed with numbers and patterns. I love that I think of different songs all day and that I have a neverending database in my head, every day, all day long. I love that I notice the details of everything around me. I love that I sometime stare at trees because I am obsessed with the fractal patterns of their branches.

I love it because it is part of what makes me ME.

Yes, there are difficulties that I have to “deal with” as someone with Aspergers. But everyone has difficulties. Everyone has struggles they have to overcome.

Thinking about this on my way home from church tonight, one of my favorite movie scenes came to my mind.

We are all human beings and as God’s children, I believe that we all deserve to be told how unique we are, how precious we are in this world.

You are loved.

There is a God who loves you unconditionally. You do not have to do anything in particular to deserve His love. You cannot earn it. His love is given without conditions. No strings attached. No hidden fees. No fine print. He created you and He loves you as one of His beautiful creations.

You are wonderfully and fearfully made.

There is no one like you on this earth. While there are other people that may be like you, there is absolutely no one exactly like you. You are created differently from anyone who has ever lived on this earth, in the past, in the present and in the future. You are you. And that means the world because you have a unique perspective, a unique voice.

So what do I believe that people with autism should do?

I believe people with autism should do and deserve the same things that I believe every other human beings should do and deserve. After all, autism is a label. It is not the people who are diagnosed with it.

Every human being should be loved.

Every human being deserves to be loved and cared for.

Every human being deserves to be listened to and to have a voice.

Every human being deserves to be cherished and appreciated.

Every human being deserves to be accepted, not just tolerated.

Every human being deserves to be helped when they need help.

Every human being deserves to be protected from putdowns and bullying.

Every human being deserves to be protected from injustice.

Every human being deserves to feel peace and to live in a peaceful place.

Every human being deserves to be who they are.

In the past few months, I have had bouts of stuttering and spasms. During those bouts, I had to walk around town and take buses. There were quite a few people who stared and some even laughed. At first, it hurt me deeply that people would laugh at something that I could not control, something that embarrassed me on a deep level.

But over time, I realized that they did not know everything that I am dealing with, everything that I have had to deal with to get to where I am and why I was having the physical symptoms. Slowly, my anger and hurt turned into forgiveness. During the bouts, I started to repeat over and over in my head, “Forgive them for they do not know what they do.”

Jesus said those words on the cross, as he was being killed by those who he loved so deeply.

Jesus came to heal and transform people on a personal level, but also on a worldly level. He broke many of the traditions of the society of his day. He loved the outcasts; in fact, he searched them out. He did not turn away anyone. He welcomed those whom everyone else wanted to turn away. He talked to those who no one else wanted to talk to. He did not hate anyone. While some people might have frustrated him, he always showed love towards everyone.

Whether you believe in Jesus or not, I hope that before you judge anyone that you interact with, that you stop and think. The next time you want to judge someone, imagine that the person you are interacting with is living through the worst day of his or her life. You never know… By showing a little kindness towards someone or doing a random act of kindness, you could truly transform that person’s life.

I want to end this blog with one of my favorite passages in the Bible. It is quoted often during sermons about love, but it talks about unconditional love in such a great way.

As a world, we need to strive to show everyone the kind of love that is explained in this passage. No matter who you are. No matter what you have done. No matter what you have not done. No matter where you are from. No matter what you believe in. Love is the most powerful thing we have in this world…

Love is patient, love is kind. 

It does not envy, it does not boast, 

it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, always trusts, 

always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. 

-1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV)

The Twenty Dollar Bill

“First, [Mary Magdalene] was clean: the inner emotional turbulence had ended, and her tormented soul was at peace. Second she was given the gift of dignity and value. After years of hopelessness, she found someone who could free her. Someone who saw in her something worth saving, redeeming and loving…the weight of the world had been lifted from her fragile shoulders. It no longer mattered what others thought of her.” 

–Dr. Erwin Lutzer and Rebecca Lutzer, Jesus Lover of a Woman’s Soul

I read this quote earlier today as I sat at the lake. As I read these words, it really became apparent that God is doing this very same thing in my life. I often struggle with feeling not worth enough, not good enough, not this enough, and not that enough. In the process of trying to “fit in” with the people around me, sometimes my insecurity gets the best of me and I may boast about something that I did or do well.

But God loves humility. Think about it. Think about how different our world would be if Jesus had been all prideful and went around boasting about how many people he had healed or how many miracles he had performed.

As I have said in previous blogs, this Lent has been a journey in ridding myself of pride and the insecurities that lead me to be prideful. I know I have hurt many people in the process of trying to make myself feel less insecure. Each day, God is teaching me more and more about Himself . How powerful HE is. How gracious HE is. How loving HE is. How wonderful HE is.

This life is not all about us. It is about making some difference in the world we live in. This world we have been blessed to live on. And yeah… it is difficult.

I spent the past 9 days or so in a hospital and I cannot describe how blessed I feel to be alive… not only alive but that I can walk, talk, eat, run, read, write, draw, take photographs. I even have a smartphone! I am blessed beyond belief by God. People say I have a very difficult life, but there are people who have it much worse. This life is not easy and all of us deal with our own obstacles, but we have a God who is so much bigger than any of the obstacles we deal with here on earth.

A reason I really liked the quote above was that it broke what Jesus did for Mary Magdalene into two parts: cleansing/refreshing and the gift of dignity and value.

I personally struggle sometimes to feel worth it. Deep inside, I do not feel clean. I do not feel worthy of God’s love, especially because of all the mistakes I have made. It’s in those times that I remind myself that God forgives me. He already did. And He does. I believe that sometimes the most difficult forgiveness is actually forgiving myself.

The second part- the gift of dignity and value- is also something that I struggle with. So often I try to find my value in how other people view me. Do they like me? What do they think of me after that? Did I say the wrong thing? What do they think of me now?

Put simply, our greatest worth is found in God. I am God’s child. You are God’s child. We all have worth more powerful than any material possession we can find here on earth. The closer I feel to God, the less I care about what other people think of me, because God’s love is so much bigger, so beyond anything else on this earth that it fulfills me to the core. No matter what I’ve done, no matter what others have done to me, He loves me and always will. And that goes for you as well.

I’d like to end this post with something I heard many years ago at CreationFest, a festival with Christian music and speakers.

The speaker, who I cannot remember right now, held up a twenty dollar bill. He spat on it, crumpled it up, threw it on the ground, and moved his foot all over it, stomping on it and kicking it around. He then held it up and asked how much the bill was worth. The answer was that it was still worth twenty dollars.

That powerful illustration still encourages me to this day, because I (as well as so many) have felt spat on, crumpled up, thrown out and kicked around. I have had moments of being used, abused and taken advantage of.

But do those moments change how much you or I are worth to God and worth to this world?

Not at all.

When you find your worth in God, it truly does not matter how much money is in your bank account, if you have the perfect shirt or pants, or the perfect face. Because when you find your worth in God, you realize how precious and how fearfully and wonderfully created you really are.

Listen to God, because He always says, “You are worth it. You are my precious child. Nothing in this world, absolutely nothing can ever or will ever take away your worth. Find your dignity and value in me, not the things of this world.”