Trusting God

“Faith always involves stepping out, letting go, risking something.”

-Steven James, Becoming Real

Today was my official last day at my job that I’ve held for the past two and a half months. I wasn’t fired. It was just a summer job that I knew would end at the end of the summer.

When I first got the job, it took a lot of faith to actually take it. To get up each morning and go to work was seemingly out of the picture at the time. As many of you know, last semester was full of hospitalizations for me.

Four hospitalizations to be exact.

When I applied for this job, I really felt God calling me to do it. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to, but I knew He was calling me to do it. You know how sometimes you just know. It was the first and only job I applied to and interviewed for. When I received the news that I got the job on the same day I interviewed, I was ecstatic.

And scared.

At the time I got the job, I had only been out of the hospital for nearly two months. I had no idea what would happen if I took the job. I was terrified that I would lose it if I went to the hospital again. I was afraid I’d mess up somehow. I didn’t know how my boss would react to a hospitalization.

I was terrified actually.

I flat out was not sure if I could handle a job in the state I was in, still being paranoid and having many flashbacks a day.

But I trusted God.

I knew He was calling me to work. I knew He was calling me to trust Him and that things would get better. It took a lot to trust Him, but I did.

It’s been over 4 months without a hospitalization. I’ve had a lot of stressful events but I didn’t give up. I kept getting up every morning and forced myself to go to work, whether or not I felt like it. Working a part time job was perfect because I got some time to myself to focus on healing.

Working this summer has also given me a lot of confidence in myself. I know I’m ready to handle school again.

Sometimes following what God has called you to do is difficult and scary. He often asks you to trust Him with unknown circumstances.

However, when you do what God wants you to do, great things can happen.

Beauty in Imperfections

I want to share something that I don't usually share with people or talk about. It's something that runs deep within...

I feel ugly.

I feel like one of the most imperfect people there is.

I am very self conscious.

I don't even like to look at myself in the mirror most of the time.

A lot of this stems from the abuse from my childhood and the shame that goes along with it. I grew up being taught not to care about myself. I was taught to be used and thrown away. I was taught over and over that I'm worthless trash. I grew up in a poor family that couldn't afford dental care or other things to make me look better. We could never afford braces and we still can't. The first time I was taught to put makeup on was a few days before going to college. I was neglected at a prime time for a girl to grow up and learn those types of things.

A few weeks ago, I went to a friend's house and a neighbor's young girl came over and the first thing she said to me was "You are beautiful no matter what." I don't know why she said that to me but it ran deep inside. It made me feel so different than how I usually feel... better.

Why do we tend to neglect the beauty in the simple things when we grow up? Why do we start to judge so easily?

Sometimes we don't feel perfect, because, let's face it, we're not! We have imperfections running through our very veins. We have feelings inside of us that need healing. But what we can take away is that although we are not perfect, we have a God who is and he makes us beautiful...

For you created my inmost being;
 you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

-Psalm 139:13 (NIV)

So stand tall and be who you are. Because nobody can be you...

Hope and Confidence

To say today was exciting would be a grave understatement. Today, after work, I went to a concert with For King & Country and to meet some of the staff of The Joy FM, a radio station that has helped me through many difficulties. The station has been a constant throughout my five hospitalizations in the past year. No matter what happens each day, I know that I can turn on the radio and feel better.

For King & Country sang a few songs but they said some things that really meant a lot to me. They talked about our worth as human beings and being the man or woman that we were made to be. At one point, they said to hold our head high and be confident.

That meant a lot. As someone who has been treated less than I'm told I deserve through abusive situations, it meant a lot to hear them talk about our worth in God. Sometimes it's so difficult to move forward in confidence, but if we believe in God, we can truly weather any storm that life throws at us.

I met with the band afterwards and briefly told them what it meant to me.

Afterwards, I talked to some of the staff of The Joy FM, a Christian radio station here. Meeting them meant more than words I can write or express. They have helped me through so many storms this past year by making me laugh and by speaking truth into my life when I most need to hear it. They feel a lot like family. It was a blessing to be able to tell them what the station means to me.

I want to end this post with my new favorite song by For King & Country called Crave.

Hope is what it's all about.