My Story

I started this blog as I started on a healing journey to deal with mental illness. I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Though I have had to overcome many obstacles and still do on a daily basis, God continually draws me closer to Him every day. Through this blog, I hope to share all the ways that God speaks to me and helps me through the storms. I also aim to increase awareness of mental illness.

Everything on this blog that I say about God is based on my personal experiences of reading Scripture, listening to sermons, and being in His presence. I am in no way saying that I know everything about God, because there is so much beyond our wildest imagination about God that we cannot understand or see on this earth. I just want to share my perspective of God and what He is teaching me through my struggles and obstacles in the hope that it can help others draw closer to God.

I have a Bachelor's of Science degree in Bioengineering and minors in Mathematics and Management. I graduated in May 2012 with honors (Magna Cum Laude). I received a Master's of Science degree in Biomedical Engineering (specifically Neural Engineering) in December 2013. I am currently working toward my second Master's degree, in Social Work.

My Testimony

On April 10, 1989, I was born in a hospital in Newark, NJ. For anybody who knows Newark, it is one of the most dangerous parts of New Jersey.

I was severely abused as a child. My earliest memory of being abused was when I was 3 years old. I was abused by my father from when I was 3 to 6 years old. I am not going to tell the details because only a handful of people know them. Just know that it took a lot of strength to survive all of it and I am lucky to be alive.

My mother and father separated when I was 6 years old. On the morning of the last day they were together, I watched my mother being abused to the point that she was almost murdered in front of me. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I nearly died in a house fire when I was a young child. Thanks to quick thinking, I tipped over a trash can and I called 911 at the exact moment that I needed to. The firemen said that if I had called any later, I probably would have died.

Things did not get any better with my father out of the house, though. I was abused by my oldest brother for a few years. Around that time, he started using drugs and eventually started dealing them. I have many memories of my mother fighting with him about the drugs. I remember him stealing things in the house. I also remember him selling his beloved train collection in order to get high on drugs. Sometimes he even threatened to punch all the windows in the house. Again, I remember it like it was yesterday.

My mother and father finally were divorced when I was 13 years old. As far as I know, my father went to prison for what he did to me for a little bit, but then he was released.

Soon after the divorce, we moved into a home down the street. This was when I started to be neglected by my mother. She was never home because she started to date a man, who I later found out was a drug dealer. He even tried to get my other brother to deal drugs. I slowly lost my mother to alcoholism.

I was home alone most of the time. I studied extremely hard in school. Around this time, my relationship with God really grew. I covered the walls of my room with Bible verses. I talked with my pastor a lot. She told me that it was not normal for a 13 year old to be home alone and that I belonged in foster care.

I remember going to a beach home with my mother and her boyfriend. Her alcoholism was so apparent. I remember running up to my room at the beach house, weeping. My mother came in and I said to her “I want my mother back.” I felt like I had lost her forever.

It was around this time that I ran away to a friend’s home in order to try to get into foster care. I could not deal with the family issues any longer. Those around me considered me an "at-risk" teenager. My other brother had left the home earlier due to his own drug addictions. The last straw was when my mother was arrested for a drunk driving accident.

I wanted to move forward. I lived in various homes during that time- different homes of my friends. My mother and I eventually became evicted and homeless. At that point, I wanted nothing to do with her so I went from home to home, wherever I could stay so that I did not have to live on the streets. At one point, we stayed together for a few weeks in a home near the projects in Newark.

What carried me through this time was my faith in God. I read the Bible all the time, listened to worship songs and tried to go to church when I could. I was confirmed and even gave a children’s sermon on Youth Sunday. I went on various mission trips and volunteered with different charities. Worshiping God took my mind off of everything going on at home. I have always wanted opportunities to share God's unconditional love with those around me.

When I first started high school, I was in remedial science and English classes. However, through determination and hard work, I ended up taking 5 Advanced Placement courses and 2 advanced courses during my senior year, despite being homeless. This was unheard of at my school and many of my peers thought I was crazy. But school was my escape. It was something I became very good at, especially since I focused most of my energy on my schoolwork in order to escape what was going on personally. I also needed scholarships.

My mother and I eventually were reunited halfway through my senior year of high school as we moved into an apartment. Things were really rocky between us since we had reversed roles. A few months after moving into the apartment, my oldest brother committed suicide. He had been addicted to heroin and crack. He was in and out of jails for most of his life, for various things including dealing drugs. I had forgiven him for what he had done to me, so it was very hard to lose him.

His death made everything very hard for my family, especially my other brother, who was dealing with drug abuse and alcoholism. Around the time of my brother’s death, I was accepted into nine colleges and waitlisted from MIT, Columbia and Johns Hopkins. I graduated at the top of my class in high school. Needless to say, I was excited about the prospect of moving away from my family situation.

College was great for the first two years. I did very well, getting straight A’s in an overload of courses. During the summer after my freshman year, I went to another university to do cancer research. In the next summer, I worked at another university on a project that allowed people with spinal cord injury to move their paralyzed arms. But during that summer, I was harassed by my father through email. Even though my parents had divorced, my father still was in my life.

Things got really hard and during my junior year, I attempted suicide. The doctors and police told me I had come very close to death. I narrowly escaped a spinal cord injury. I was forced to take a medical leave. At first I was very upset and disappointed that I had to take the time away from school, but during my time off, my relationship with God really grew. At this time in my life, I finally obtained a restraining order against my father so I have nothing to do with him anymore. I eventually went back to college, finished up and graduated at the top of my class, despite being hospitalized three times during my senior year for suicidal ideation.

I was offered a PhD position in 2012. I accepted the offer, which consisted of a generous fellowship. Unfortunately, I had to stop my research due to various recent hospitalizations that I have had. In the past few months, I have had a lot of diagnoses thrown at me- Aspergers, ADD, PTSD, bipolar, schizoaffective disorder. The doctors do not seem to know, but I think my most recent diagnoses of PTSD and schizoaffective disorder are the most accurate.

While my current diagnoses and their symptoms are difficult to deal with, I know that God will carry me through the difficult times ahead. He already has carried me through so much. I am thriving where I am because of His strength and the gifts He has given me, including my creativity. Three of my professors in college and the PhD program told me that three separate theories/ideas of mine could win the Nobel Prize if I can prove them experimentally. Though it has been a hard road for me in many ways, I am very thankful for what God has given me.

I currently am unemployed and in treatment. I have made a lot of progress in understanding my symptoms and illnesses. I have gained insight and the skills necessary to move forward. I have come to terms that I may always struggle with psychosis and paranoia, but I can learn to deal with it as it comes.

I recently was accepted into an online Masters of Social Work program. I cannot wait to begin and I am very excited to see where God leads me.

In sharing my story, I do not want your pity. I do not want you to say you’re sorry I have gone through so much. I want you to see how God has truly carried me through such difficulties. He truly can carry us through anything. I know the difficulties are not ending, but I have a lot of faith and excitement for the future. When my life seems confusing, I always go to God's Word, because it is in the Bible that we find the truth of who we are in God.

I want those who read this blog to know that the words I speak about God are genuine and real. I do not try to sell anything. My faith is real and very important to me and I want to share it with others. I want to share what I learn about God with others. God truly can take our misery and make something beautiful with it and I hope my life testimony is a testament to God's grace and mercy.

Every day is still a struggle but I am still here fighting because God never abandoned me. He never stopped loving me. He never stopped strengthening me. He never stopped molding me into who He wants me to be. He was always there for me, especially in the times when I had no one else. Even in the times when I felt He was silent and absent.