Awe and Wonder

I started reading chapter 5 of The Ragamuffin Gospel yesterday on my way to see my therapist. From the get-go, the chapter is about how the grace of God is kind of forgotten in our society. We have lost the wonder we had as children living in the world, asking "why" over and over and seeing the beauty in everything around us.

"Our world is saturated with grace, and the lurking presence of God is revealed not only in spirit but in matter- in a deer leaping across a meadow, in the flight of an eagle, in fire and in water, in a rainbow after a summer storm, in a gentle doe streaking through a forest, in Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, in a child licking a chocolate ice cream cone, in a woman with windblown hair. God intended for us to discover His loving presence in the world around us."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

I admit that I know I've lost some of the wonder I had as a child. Even when I was a freshman in college, I had more wonder than I have now. The summer after freshman year, I went to UVA to do cancer research. I was so ecstatic and soon found myself in awe of the instruments I was using and the research I was doing. Every new thing about research amazed me.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to the awe and wonder I once had about the world. I wish I could find that inspiration inside of me even more, in which I see the beauty in everything in God's creation. I do definitely have moments in which I am in absolute awe of God, but I wish it was more often.

An Unexpected Angel

I just went outside on the swings at the park near my apartment. As I swung back and forth, I thought about something quite miraculous that happened in my life a few months ago. Something I haven't really shared with anybody, not even my mother or other family members.

I did post a bit about the incident on my Facebook but not the whole story...

Strangest thing happened earlier... I was walking to the busstop after ... and there was somebody standing on the grass by a strip mall and they were holding a sign advertising for a store. I walked by them and the lady stopped me. She said "I am praying blessings over you." The sign she was holding was for a store that was not even Christian and I have never seen this lady before. I had absolutely no idea why she said it to me. Maybe because I still had a lot of arm spasms but it was just strange. All day, I have had moments where I feel the Holy Spirit. One of these moments was when I was crossing the street, right before she came up to me. I stuttered to her "You too!" and kept walking. You absolutely never know how God is going to speak to you or who he is going to bring into your life.

This incident with this random stranger occurred right around the onset of my paranoia and psychosis right before a hospitalization earlier this year.

I have never seen this lady again. I have been around that area since and have never seen her again. I'm starting to wonder if she was a hallucination. It wouldn't surprise me since I've had visual and audio hallucinations.  At the time, I was going through a very rough period. I went to the hospital just days later. Could my mind have hallucinated her in order to move forward and get to the hospital? Could she have guided me there just as the white birds guided me a month later?

I know it sounds odd, but one of the women during my hospitalization looked just like this lady. I mean everything about both of them was the same. At one point, I asked someone if it was her, if the woman worked elsewhere. I was told no way. The woman at the hospital who I am talking about helped me a lot while I was there and was by far the one who helped me the most. She reached out to me in a way that nobody else did. At one point she took me out of the unit to do some art therapy.

My aunt posted a comment on the status above, saying that the person was an angel. I think there is no other explanation.

It got me thinking about this verse...

"For he will command his angels concerning you

    to guard you in all your ways"

-Psalm 91:11 (NIV)

Working It All Together

To be completely honest, I don't even know where to begin this blog post. God's goodness, grace and mercy is very overwhelming for me.

For the past few months, I have had to overcome many hurdles to get ready for my last semester of graduate school. Due to my hospitalizations and inability to complete all of the PhD work necessary, I lost my fellowship. A huge hurdle.

I have taken the past month or so off so that I could take care of myself and get better. It's been almost two months since my last hospitalization, so I feel stable enough now to take care of things.

For the past few months, I have been praying to God, trusting in Him and believing that a miracle would come along regarding my financial aid situation.

And this past week, my prayers have been answered in a huge way.

At first last week, I got bad news. I found out that one of the four courses I was supposed to take was cancelled for the Fall semester. Another huge hurdle. I was frustrated because that would mean I had to find enough financial aid for two semesters since I would have to stick around in the Spring just for one course.

However, I received an email saying that I could substitute the course with another course so I could finish in the Fall. Miracle number one.

Last Friday, I got news that I was offered a new job. It was the first job I applied to and to be honest, I was shocked. My interview was a few minutes long and I did not tell the interviewer about any of my struggles. This job is exactly what I have been praying for.  Miracle number two.

This morning, I got news that I received almost enough financial aid for the semester. It was by far more than I thought I would receive. Miracle number three.

You wanna know the craziest thing?

The amount I will be paid for my new job is the same amount that I need to have just enough for next semester. With all of my money I have saved, the financial aid and the money from my new job, I will have just enough for next semester.

Now only God could pull this off. It all is coming together in ways I never could have expected.

God truly works miracles and I am so overwhelmed today. He kept telling me to trust Him. I looked back on all of the times that I've worried about financial aid and it's come through. I trusted God to do the same this time and He has answered my prayers in a big way.

It's not easy to trust God. Every time I caught myself worrying about everything, I kept telling myself "Trust God. He's got this. Don't worry."

No matter what you're going through, trust God. Trust that He will shine through in your life and that He will help you through the difficult times. You never know how much of His goodness will come into your life.

As I was writing this blog post, I thought about the song Blessings by Laura Story. At the end of the chorus, she sings "What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise." I came across the video I am posting below that is her story behind the song. I love how she says that maybe God blesses us through not giving us what we want or allowing us to go through hard times. Sometimes the hard times are exactly what we need to get through to see how truly blessed we are in this life. Sometimes trials in our lives can have hidden blessings within them.

A Walk around the Lake: Part 2

Today is the Mental Health Month Blog Day, in which bloggers everywhere are contributing posts to increase mental health awareness. This is my contribution:

Lately, I have truly been overwhelmed by the ways that God is healing me. God is renewing me, restoring me and refreshing my life in so many ways and on so many levels. Everywhere I go, it seems that God teaches me something new about me, Himself and the world. It's so overwhelming how much I am learning but I will try to post as much as I can.

A few days ago, I realized something. Something amazing. I realized that I walked by a police car without thinking they were after me. I walked by it with no thought, other than the fact that it was a police car. My mind wasn't running a mile a minute. Anxiety wasn't running high. It was just a cop car. I hope you realize how monumental this is. Many of you know that I suffer from schizoaffective disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

For the past few months, I have been afraid that the FBI was after me. Honestly, I am amazed that I was even able to get my schoolwork done. I was afraid of every cop car. I cringed every time one went by me. At one point, I even went to the police to ask if they were after me. Paranoia can make you do wild things. Trust me. I have more stories from where that came from.

But as I walked by the police car, I felt a sense of peace and calm. I didn't realize how accustomed I had become to my paranoia. It was just something I dealt with, just like the endless flashbacks I deal with on a daily basis. I have not dealt with the paranoia just for the past few months, but for the past few years. The earliest paranoia I can remember was in my junior year of college, around the time of my attempt. Back then, I had the same paranoid thoughts that the police were after me and that I was being followed by the FBI. As I realized that the paranoia is gone, I felt such a relief. It is so freeing not to think everyone is conspiring against me.

I went to the pond yesterday and I did something that I haven't done in a long time. I went on the swings.

While I was swinging, I listened to music. As I rocked back and forth, I realized how fortunate I am. I don't know when my next "paranoid or psychotic attack" will come, but I made a promise to myself that I will live each day to the fullest. I will live each day as if it were my last. As my mind is battling constantly between mental illness and normalcy, I want to make sure that each day I embrace life as it comes. I want to have fun, instead of letting the mental illness rule me. Mental illness isn't the end of the world and I am slowly learning to live with it. It is not the end of the world. This life comes with many challenges, but we always press forward in the hope that comes from God.

I took another walk around the lake this morning so I have more photos to share. 

The first is of a tree with vines around it. Vines always remind me of the John 15:5: "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." (NIV)

As Christians we are called to be with God in a constant relationship. But as we all know, there are rough times in our lives when we don't feel as close to God as we do at other times. But God is still at the center of our lives, cheering us on, holding our hand and helping us through. Even when He seems distant, He is within us and around us every second, every minute, every hour, every day and every year of our lives.

The next picture shows a path being lit up by the sun while everything around it is dark. In many ways, I feel that this represents how we live on this earth. There is a lot of darkness in our world, but on the cross, Jesus showed us the path we are to take. In all of the darkness, there is a path lit up by the Light of the world. We have hope because of Him. Because of Him, we press forward into the lit path. No matter how dark life seems, there is always a path through the darkness.

The next photo shows the sun shining through a tree and the sun's reflection on the water. To me, it shows how the light of God shines through our darkest times and in turn, we are able to reflect God's grace, love, hope and peace to others. Through God, we have the power to transform the world around us. Through us, the hope of God can light up this world.

The next photo shows the blinding power of the light. It is supposed to represent how truly transformative and powerful the light of God is in our lives. His light and love have the power to overcome anything in our way. I know this on a personal level because God has carried me through unspeakable and difficult circumstances. I am here because of what God has done in my life. I want to spread His truth because I know the power that lies within it.

The last photo is of a reflection of the sun on a window. To me, this signifies the blending of the light of God into our every day lives- into our churches, into our schools, into our workplaces. The light of God isn't just something you find on Sunday morning; it is something you find everywhere and in everyone around you. It is within each of us.

Allow the light of God to shine within you and in every crevice of your life. Allow it to spread throughout this world...

Freedom To Soar

Today is May 1^st. And tomorrow will mark one month since I went to the hospital in April. Since January, I have been in the hospital four times, every single month. In three days, I will celebrate one month since I’ve had any paranoia or psychosis. Needless to say, I am pretty excited. (Just a tad?!?!?!)

Never mind... I want to scream it on the mountaintop. MY MEDS ARE WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today feels like a major victory and a major leap forward in the positive direction.

My mom and I talked briefly this morning on my way to a therapy appointment. I said to her during our conversation, "All I know is it's May 1st and I am not in a hospital." We both started crying, actually weeping for joy. If you have been with me through the battles in the past four months, you know why this is monumental. 

She and I talked about another miracle that happened a few months ago. A few months ago, I finally found the lake where I would spend much of my time in the past few months.

Birds have been a huge theme in my life. After my father left the house when I was six and I was recovering from his abuse, I came to love watching the movie “Fly Away Home.” It is about a little girl who loses her mother in a car accident and she falls in love with a flock of geese and helps them to fly. During the abuse that I endured as a child, I would often dissociate and imagine I was soaring in the sky like a bird. I felt like I was flying. That is how I survived and how I escaped the miserable pain. I would often have nightmares that I was being chased by “bad guys” but as soon as they became close, I would bend my knees and jump up, soon flying far away from them. I would turn around and look down at them, but the “bad guys” couldn’t fly so they were running after me on the ground. I can still feel the freedom that I felt as I flew through the sky.

During my time at the lake, I have spent a lot of time with wildlife. In March, there were a few weeks in which I would go to the lake, and at least one white bird would always come right up to me and stay with me while I was at the lake. One time there were about 9 or 10 of the white birds. Another day, I was at an opposite side of the lake and I saw hundreds of the white birds flying over the lake. My heart literally was leaping for joy. Every time I saw the white birds, my mind would be silenced and my heart would be full of peace and hope.

Except one day, my anxiety and paranoia got to be too much. There were 5 or 6 white birds above me as I walked around campus. They were hovering above me, just a little bit ahead of me. I knew I had to go to the hospital, and they literally guided me to the hospital. They hovered above me the whole way to the hospital. I don’t really remember anything about how I got to the hospital, just that those white birds helped me get there. I literally followed them to the hospital. Within a few hours of being in the hospital, I became catatonic. I did not eat, sleep or talk for two days. My body went into complete shutdown. I often wonder what would have happened if I had not followed those birds, if they had not guided me.

Now some of you may think this story is crazy, that maybe I hallucinated those birds. I kept this story hidden  inside for a few weeks, kind of because I was both in awe of what happened, but I also did not think that anyone would believe me. My mother even said she had been hesitant to ask me how I got to the hospital. The doctors were shocked that I even made it to the hospital in my condition. But I choose to tell this story about the birds because it is a true miracle, and not the first miracle God has done in my life. Also, I saw other people looking at the white birds. I know other people saw them. I had grown to love those white birds in the weeks leading up to my hospitalization.

Since I got out of that hospitalization, I have not seen the white birds as much. I feel deeply that God brought them to me at exactly the appointed time that I needed them. They brought me calm, peace and hope at a time that I desperately needed them. They were there for me.

For me, birds have always signified freedom. The freedom to soar above the storms of life. The freedom to overcome difficulties and hardships. The freedom to live through another day, no matter how difficult it is. The freedom to just be, to just soar, to just fly.

For many years, as I was being abused, I did not have that freedom. I barely had any freedom whatsoever. But as I continue to move forward, into the future that God has planned for me, I continue to feel more free each and every day. I continue to feel free to soar over my storms. I feel free to be who God called me and who He continues to call me to be.

As I celebrate a new month and a new chapter in my life, I celebrate with the birds and I celebrate the freedom I have in Christ.

Stop and Be Still and Know

“Awe is the combination of profound wonder, joy, beauty, adoration and deep humility that we experience in the presence of a power infinitely greater than ourselves.”

-Jeff Golliher, Moving Through Fear

I’m going to pose a question.

In the busyness of our lives, how much do we lose the opportunity to dwell in the presence of God?

In the past few months, I have set out to spend more one on one time with God, and I have to say that it has been and remains to be an incredible journey. The more time I spend in nature, the more I am in awe of what God is doing. The more time I spend time with God, the more joy I feel, even in the difficult times. The more He speaks to me.

I have two major blessings in my current situation. First, I do not own a car. Second, I do not own a TV. These may not seem like blessings but let me tell you why I believe they are incredible blessings.

Because I do not have a car, I either take the bus or walk. Currently, I prefer to walk and I normally only take the bus if it’s raining or I’m carrying a lot. I love walking, because I can put on worship music and use my travel time as a worship time. As I walk to my destination, I also see the incredible beauty of God’s creation. Most of the photos I take are taken while I am walking. I see cars go by, with people in them that are most likely focused on what they need to do or where they are going. I believe that sometimes in their busyness and quest to get somewhere quickly, they do not see God’s creation.

The second blessing of not having a TV has helped me to spend a lot of time in God’s presence. I do not think that everyone needs to get rid of their televisions or be extreme about not watching TV, but I do believe that a lot of what is on TV is negative and does not glorify God. I have been without a TV since last August and have probably watched a total of 2 hours of TV since then.

Do I miss TV?

Not at all.

It is normally focused on who we are and not who God is. I spend the majority of my time in nature and I see God’s beauty everywhere I go. I spend time reading by the lake. To me, it is calming and soothing. It helps relieve my anxiety. I feel at peace being by the lake, listening to the birds and the other wildlife.

I am always in awe of God in nature. How many times do you stop to look at the flowers which God has designed? Have you ever been amazed at how beautiful they are?

 Last night there was a beautiful sunset. The rays were awesome. I was completely in awe.

Something I have started a few months ago is to stargaze every few days. When I stargaze, I realize how really small I am and I see life from a higher point of view. It gets rid of the busyness, nitty gritty, day to day lifestyle I get stuck in. God brings a greater picture of life into my mind. There is more to life than the small things. There is a greater power out there.

My challenge to you is to spend more time in God’s presence, whatever that may mean to you. Have a conversation with Him. See the awesomeness in the creation He has created. This world is too beautiful to not spend time dwelling in it just to be still and know God.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

-Psalm 46:10 (NIV)