Worship In All Seasons

It is easy for me to worship in the summer sunshine , when the beautiful melodies of life seem to fill the air, and the lush fruit of life is still on the trees. But when the songbirds cease and the fruit falls from the trees, will my heart continue to sing? Will I remain in Gods house at night?

-George Matheson, Streams in the Desert, Dec. 11 Devotion

We are to worship God in all the seasons of our lives, no matter how difficult it seems. I can admit that sometimes it has been hard to worship Him but when I sense His peace in my life, I have no choice but to worship Him.

Last semester, when I was in the midst of severe suffering from mental illnesses, I felt His peace at the lake and I had no choice but to worship Him. And in worshiping Him, I found life even in the midst of suffering.

I think the test of life does not come when everything is easy, but it comes when things are difficult and you want to give up. You think the fight is not worth fighting. You think you can't go on and yet you feel something inside you, the power of the Holy Spirit, and you keep moving forward.

You keep moving forward  despite the challenges, despite every idea of giving up. You use every ounce that you've got left to keep moving forward. And as you keep moving forward, you have no choice but to praise Him, because you had no idea what you had inside of you.

Forgiveness and Peace

Something odd just happened...

Really odd....

I woke up from a dream with somebody in it that I have been harboring some anger against for many years. They hurt me very badly as a teenager and in this dream, I finally came to peace with them.

But that's not the odd part.

I woke up and checked my email and this was in my email.

A quote from Rodney King... It did not say who sent it or where it was from.

"As far as having peace within myself, the one way I can do that is forgiving the people who have done wrong to me. It causes more stress to build up anger. Peace is more productive."

-Rodney King

Now there is a lot of truth in this. And through my dream, I feel like I came to a sense of peace about this person for the first time in my life. I woke up with no anger towards this person. Only love.

And I think the magical part of life is when our anger and bitterness is turned to love and peace within ourselves.

And whoever sent me that quote, thanks....

Wholeness and Peace

"You must be willing to face your past in the presence of Jesus. He can heal your brokenness and bring peace to your soul. He replaces defilement with wholeness, and emptiness with peace."
-Rebecca Lutzer, Jesus, Lover of a Woman's Soul

I can testify to the truth in this quote.

This past year, I have struggled to personally come to terms with my past. It is a past full of ups and downs, obstacles and triumphs. As many of you know, I have overcome abuse, homelessness, loss and neglect. Currently, I deal with multiple mental illnesses on a daily basis.

There has not been one easy year in my life. I have been challenged all the time. I am actually more used to being challenged than not. When I get an easy point in my life, it feels awkward.

Through God, I am coming to terms with my past and moving forward. He is changing my life to bring me wholeness and peace, something I don't think I could experience apart from God.

I can say from experience that God can bring us hope when we are the most hopeless. He can bring us peace when the world seems like it's caving in. He can bring us wholeness when we feel like a million shattered pieces.

Hippy Jesus

"Jesus was drawn to those who were powerless, those who were marginalized, those who needed help and admitted it. The same is true today."
-Rebecca Lutzer, Jesus, Lover of a Woman's Soul

As I read this just a few minutes ago, I was reminded of many conversations that I've had over the years with friends about Jesus and what He stood/stands for.

A few months ago, I was talking to one friend who is an atheist, he said that he liked my idea of Christ, much like the one above, calling it a "Hippy Jesus." I do not necessarily think of Jesus as a hippy but rather someone who cares and understands us on a deeper level than anyone can. He accepts our faults and loves us regardless of them. He welcomes the ones who others do not welcome. He opens his arms to all and loves the marginalized, the hurt and the desperate.

One reason I like this quote is that Jesus was drawn to "those who needed help and admitted it." The first step of AA is that people realize that they need help. They become willing to fix what they are doing wrong in order to become better people. Jesus opens his arms to those who seek help.

We all have faults but Jesus looks past them and loves us as we are.

Today, instead of finding faults in others, embrace those who you would not normally embrace, love those who you would not usually love and share the love of God with everyone you encounter.

The Troughs

October 21, 2009 is a day that I will never forget. It is the day that I nearly lost my life. I cannot believe it has been 4 years. I fractured multiple vertebrae in my back and suffered a liver laceration and a hematoma after falling over 40 feet. The doctors thought I may never walk again.

I walked 2 days after my fall.

Yesterday, my Facebook status was "As many tragedies and difficult things my family has been through, there are even more miracles. Thanks be to God!"

My life has had many downs, but God has been with me and my family every step of the way, guiding us, loving us, helping us...

As some of you know, I am in two Bible studies. For one of them, we are reading Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. In one of the chapters we read for last night's study, he talks about the ups and downs of life, the undulation of life.

"It may surprise you to learn that in [God's] efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs more than on the peaks."
-C.S. Lewis

I have to say that I feel God on a much deeper level when I am in a "trough." During multiple times last week when my brother was missing, I felt a sense of peace which completely surpassed all understanding. I relied on God during that time in a way that I only rely on Him during rough times. I made it through that time without going to the hsopital because of God's strength inside of me. His presence, His love, His light inside of me.

I want to leave with a song that helped me get through last week. It came on the Christian radio station and I ended up downloading it so I could listen to it all the time. It helped me to put my trust in God and to move through the trough that I was in.

Meeting God

Have you ever had a place where you "met God?" A place where you felt a peace and calm which surpassed all understanding? A place where you felt God in a whole new way?

I have.

And that place is a lake on campus.

I walked by this lake for the first time last semetser when I was on my way to the Counseling Center during a crisis. It was quite possibly my worst point last semester but when I walked by the lake, a peace washed over me.  Its beauty overwhelmed me. I was thinking about this when I visited the lake on the 6-month anniversary of being out of the hospital a few days ago.

Many people know that last semester, I dealt with severe paranoia and psychosis due to schizophrenia. The lake was where I met God through all of those challenges. God spoke to me on a whole new level when I went to the lake. He spoke to me through the animals, the sunsets and the sunrises. I spent most of my time at the lake. It is not an overstatement to say that the lake was one of the major reasons I got through last semester.

One of my favorite points at the lake was during one of my lowest points. I had just gotten off of the phone with my mom and it was not a good conversation. At that point, I was trying to stay out of the hospital. So I went to the lake. I was met by a white bird and as soon as I saw it, my anxiety was washed away and I felt at peace.

God used the white birds to get me through the most difficult times. Often, when I went to the lake, one or two of them would come up to me and just be there with me. I don't think it's a coincidence that they represent the Holy Spirit. I get so excited when I see white birds and to this day, I still feel a sense of calm when I see them.

God can use anything to get us through our difficult times on this earth and for me, He used the lake and the gators, the white birds, the yellow butterflies, and the turtles. He used the sunsets and the sunrises to remind me of how powerful and majestic He is.

Here are some photos of the lake that I took when I was there a few days ago...

Beauty in the Sacrifice

"Man's hideous injustice that crucified Christ became the means that opened the way for man to become free. Sin's masterpiece of shame and hate became God's masterpiece of mercy and forgiveness."
-Billy Graham, Peace With God

Have you ever stopped and thought about the beauty of what happened on the cross? The beauty in the sacrifice?

I think this quote really exemplifies how something so horrible, so awful, so seemingly erroneous, could be turned into something so absolutely beautiful. Sometimes we are so busy with our lives that we don't spend time thinking about what happened on the cross.

We can find freedom in the cross. We can find peace in the cross. We can find hope in the cross.

God truly can turn the most evil thing into the most beautiful thing. I've written extensively about how God has taken awful things in my life and turned them into good. Sometimes when we are going through the trials and tribulations of our lives, the good within them is not so lucid.

But it's there if you look.

No matter what you are going through, God can transform it into good. Your surroundings may look bleak but if you look around the corner, you may find something beautiful.

I woke up a few days ago and I looked out the window and was greeted by this sunrise... It was absolutely magnificent. As I am writing this blog post, I am watching the sunrise through my window. Sometimes we are so busy that we forget to look around us at the beauty of God's creation and the magnificence of this world we inhabit...

Look around you today. Stop and think about the beauty in Jesus's sacrifice on the cross. Look at the beauty all around you, in the chaos of a normal day.

Change

I took a slight detour after my last class yesterday and went to the lake. I wanted to spend some time with God and decided to go there.

When I got there, I was met by the sweet caress of leaves falling off of the trees all around me. There is something magical about standing in the wind with hundreds of leaves falling. A whisper from God. A sign of autumn. Also a sign of change and moving forward.

I've been undergoing a lot of change. My paranoia is getting better. My PTSD is getting better. It's been nearly five months since I've had a hospitalization. Things are finally looking up.

As I walked around the lake, I thought a lot about last semester, when it seems like I was in a cloud of darkness with my severe paranoia and psychosis. The lake provided the hope and peace I needed to get through it. I met white birds who helped me get to the hospital once. I was comforted by them at the right time. I grew to love the lake and everything about it.

I've been wondering how I even got through last semester and my answer is by far my trips to the lake. The lake is where I found God last semester. It is where I found peace and comfort amidst one of the most difficult battles of my life.

I spent most of my time there. At the end of the semester, I even read and did homework by the lake. I found that I could concentrate better there.

I've spent nearly a whole year at the lake and I've seen how the lake has changed over the course of a year. It is nothing short of extraordinary. Seeing how much it changes has been a reminder that we as people change. I am not in the state I was last semester, which is a complete blessing. And as I keep moving forward, I hope I can continue to change for the better.

Change can be a great thing.

I want to leave you with a song about how Jesus changes us, a song I've heard a lot in the past few days:

Words and Actions

As many of you know, I am reading the book unChristian, a book about what nonChristians believe about Christians and Christianity as a whole.

A few days ago, I wrote a post about some of my thoughts on homosexuality and Christianity. I finished reading the chapters of the book related to homosexuality yesterday so I wanted to finish writing about my thoughts.

Let me begin by posing a question that was asked in the book...

Do our language and actions communicate compassion to others?

This is a key question, one that we should ask ourselves continually. We all make mistakes, but overall, our actions and our words should show compassion towards others. This is true whether you are Christian, Muslim, atheist, whatever... Our actions and our words are very important.

We may not always agree with what others are doing. Often we may not. People may test our patience and do things the hard way. But as human beings, we need to love others no matter what. This includes whether or not you agree with homosexuality.

Our world needs more love, not hate.

I believe our world needs love more than ever. People are divided over political agendas and religious beliefs. Some say we are more divided than ever before. Our divisions keep us from coming together. Our world is rocked by wars where there should be peace. Our world is rocked with fear where there should be calm. Our world is rocked by anger where there should be love. Our world is rocked by disagreements where there should be people working together. In order for us to move toward peace on any level, we need to come together in unconditional love.

I very much dislike when people say "God hates ______." God doesn't hate anyone. Whether you are Christian or not, we are not called to spread a message of hate but rather a message of love. When Jesus walked around, he didn't say he hated anyone. He welcomed everyone, including those the world turned away.  He showed compassion to everyone. We need to do the same. We need to follow His example.

Showing compassion isn't always easy. But it's key to making this world a better place. We are called to love everyone, even the people who frustrate us or make us feel uncomfortable. We are called to spread a message of love.

Burst with Joy Amidst Difficulty

I did something extremely difficult today. I talked about the details of my abuse with my therapist. She asked me questions and I told her the nitty gritty details of what happened to me for 7 years.

Part of me doesn't like telling the details because my PTSD tends to be heightened and the pain of going through it by speaking about it is tremendous. For most of the day after therapy, it was hard to take my mind off of it. Another part of me doesn't like telling the details because I don't know how the other person or people will react. Because I was told for so many years that nobody would ever believe me, it's kind of gotten ingrained in my head.

But today was different. She asked me questions and did not seem to be overwhelmed with what happened to me. I've had a few therapists even cry when I told them. And I wonder why. Because I don't usually cry about it. I think I've been kind of desensitized in a way.

The past few times I've told a lot of details, I've thought the people I was telling didn't believe me. As I told one therapist about my life, her eyes kept getting wider and wider. She looked confused and in disbelief. So I asked her, "Why are you looking at me like that?" She said, "I'm trying to take it all in. That's a lot for one small person to go through." You're telling me.

Therapy is something that I've usually found to be beneficial. Given the right therapist, I have been able to talk about my issues and move forward. Currently, I am talking about my traumatic experiences and also working on challenging my paranoid thinking.

As I've posted in recent posts, I've been dealing with some paranoia. I think that others are after me and that people are talking behind my back, conspiring against me. The last few days, I've been talking to people and they've been helping me to challenge these thoughts. For instance, I keep thinking about the possibility that everyone in town is against me. Wouldn't I know if everyone was? Why would everybody be after me?

Paranoia and psychosis are tricky to deal with. But through therapy, I'm managing the paranoia quite well. My therapist agreed that the paranoia is something that the meds might not help so I have to cognitively work through the paranoid thoughts. With the medication, it's at a level that I am able to do this.

Mental illness is not easy, especially with a history of abuse, neglect, homelessness and loss. But moving forward can be done. Slowly but surely. I am amazed at how resilient I have been and at how far I have come. Not a day goes by that I am not amazed that I am getting a Masters in December. I've been told that I've endured more than most people go through in a lifetime and I've accomplished so much. I've had people tell me they'd buckle under only one of the things I've gone through. My resilience comes from God's strength. I get up every morning because I know that each new day is from God.

A scene from Sister Act 2 just came into my mind, when a young boy sings "Oh Happy Day." When he first sings, he is really shy and you can barely hear him. But then Whoopi encourages and helps him. He bursts out with an absolutely beautiful voice. I think in the same vein, we need to give this life all we got inside of us. With the right encouragement, courage and strength, we can burst with love, peace and joy because no matter how difficult this life gets, we always know that God is beside us and within us. We can sing our song of God's goodness and grace to those around us.

Here's the scene:

Living Each Day to the Fullest

I have spent more time with God than I have in any other point in my whole life. I have experienced Him- all of Him, His love, His grace, His mercy, His peace- in a way that I have never experienced before. I know that I am transforming and becoming who He wants me to be. And in a big way, it took me giving up something that I had been holding on to for a long time- my goal to get a PhD. I'm not saying I may never get a PhD, but right now, I do not believe that is what God is calling me to do.

Lately, I've been doing some things I did as a child, like swinging. I think part of it is because I want to heal my inner child and part of it is that I want to create a new childhood. My real childhood was full of abuse. I have never told anyone this but I often refer to it as The Dark Ages. All I remember from that point in my life is darkness. Thank God I made it through those years and that I am finally healing and able to move forward. I've had points in my life when I've moved forward and healed, but I think that this time, it's on a whole new level. I feel the healing. I see the healing. I experience the healing every single day.

Lately, I've also been trying to live each day as if it were my last. Just savoring each moment as it comes. Just being still and knowing God. Experiencing God in a whole new way. Being with God from sunrise to sunset. Embracing the good and the bad. Just loving the life I have, even with all of the dark times. Loving where I am in life and rejoicing in how far I've come. Discovering things about me and the world I never knew before.

Speaking of discovery, I found a new area near the pond that I walk around- an area I never discovered until yesterday. As I walked around this area, I felt like I was walking through uncharted territory- a whole new natural oasis for me to figure out. As I walked around, I felt like a child because I didn't know what was in the area and I want to share some photos that I took of this area. I had so much fun taking these photos, even though other people probably thought I was interesting. I was actually asked the other day by a stranger if I'm taking photos for a class.

As I took the photos, I tried to capture the beauty in the little things around me. God designed this whole world for us to live in and I think that sometimes we don't always appreciate the smallest things. It's so important that as we live our lives, we don't just live with the "day in and day out" mentality, but each day, we are called to discover more about ourselves, God and the world. That is why my life has taken a very exciting turn.

And here come some baby photos of me (Lord, help us all)...

Sometimes in life we just have to laugh and have fun...

Even when we're dazed and confused...

But we need to smile and enjoy the life we have...

Seize the Moments of Today...

I hope that today is not just another day for you, but that you live it as if it is your last- that you truly savor every moment, no matter how difficult today is. Seize the day, as they say.

I want to leave you with a song that I have listened to many times. It is about living like we're dying. It's about saying "I love you" to others before it's too late. We never know when our last day will come, but what we do know is that this life is extremely precious and that we have been blessed with the life we live. God gave us this life so we need to make the most out of it.

Freedom To Soar

Today is May 1^st. And tomorrow will mark one month since I went to the hospital in April. Since January, I have been in the hospital four times, every single month. In three days, I will celebrate one month since I’ve had any paranoia or psychosis. Needless to say, I am pretty excited. (Just a tad?!?!?!)

Never mind... I want to scream it on the mountaintop. MY MEDS ARE WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today feels like a major victory and a major leap forward in the positive direction.

My mom and I talked briefly this morning on my way to a therapy appointment. I said to her during our conversation, "All I know is it's May 1st and I am not in a hospital." We both started crying, actually weeping for joy. If you have been with me through the battles in the past four months, you know why this is monumental. 

She and I talked about another miracle that happened a few months ago. A few months ago, I finally found the lake where I would spend much of my time in the past few months.

Birds have been a huge theme in my life. After my father left the house when I was six and I was recovering from his abuse, I came to love watching the movie “Fly Away Home.” It is about a little girl who loses her mother in a car accident and she falls in love with a flock of geese and helps them to fly. During the abuse that I endured as a child, I would often dissociate and imagine I was soaring in the sky like a bird. I felt like I was flying. That is how I survived and how I escaped the miserable pain. I would often have nightmares that I was being chased by “bad guys” but as soon as they became close, I would bend my knees and jump up, soon flying far away from them. I would turn around and look down at them, but the “bad guys” couldn’t fly so they were running after me on the ground. I can still feel the freedom that I felt as I flew through the sky.

During my time at the lake, I have spent a lot of time with wildlife. In March, there were a few weeks in which I would go to the lake, and at least one white bird would always come right up to me and stay with me while I was at the lake. One time there were about 9 or 10 of the white birds. Another day, I was at an opposite side of the lake and I saw hundreds of the white birds flying over the lake. My heart literally was leaping for joy. Every time I saw the white birds, my mind would be silenced and my heart would be full of peace and hope.

Except one day, my anxiety and paranoia got to be too much. There were 5 or 6 white birds above me as I walked around campus. They were hovering above me, just a little bit ahead of me. I knew I had to go to the hospital, and they literally guided me to the hospital. They hovered above me the whole way to the hospital. I don’t really remember anything about how I got to the hospital, just that those white birds helped me get there. I literally followed them to the hospital. Within a few hours of being in the hospital, I became catatonic. I did not eat, sleep or talk for two days. My body went into complete shutdown. I often wonder what would have happened if I had not followed those birds, if they had not guided me.

Now some of you may think this story is crazy, that maybe I hallucinated those birds. I kept this story hidden  inside for a few weeks, kind of because I was both in awe of what happened, but I also did not think that anyone would believe me. My mother even said she had been hesitant to ask me how I got to the hospital. The doctors were shocked that I even made it to the hospital in my condition. But I choose to tell this story about the birds because it is a true miracle, and not the first miracle God has done in my life. Also, I saw other people looking at the white birds. I know other people saw them. I had grown to love those white birds in the weeks leading up to my hospitalization.

Since I got out of that hospitalization, I have not seen the white birds as much. I feel deeply that God brought them to me at exactly the appointed time that I needed them. They brought me calm, peace and hope at a time that I desperately needed them. They were there for me.

For me, birds have always signified freedom. The freedom to soar above the storms of life. The freedom to overcome difficulties and hardships. The freedom to live through another day, no matter how difficult it is. The freedom to just be, to just soar, to just fly.

For many years, as I was being abused, I did not have that freedom. I barely had any freedom whatsoever. But as I continue to move forward, into the future that God has planned for me, I continue to feel more free each and every day. I continue to feel free to soar over my storms. I feel free to be who God called me and who He continues to call me to be.

As I celebrate a new month and a new chapter in my life, I celebrate with the birds and I celebrate the freedom I have in Christ.

Stop and Be Still and Know

“Awe is the combination of profound wonder, joy, beauty, adoration and deep humility that we experience in the presence of a power infinitely greater than ourselves.”

-Jeff Golliher, Moving Through Fear

I’m going to pose a question.

In the busyness of our lives, how much do we lose the opportunity to dwell in the presence of God?

In the past few months, I have set out to spend more one on one time with God, and I have to say that it has been and remains to be an incredible journey. The more time I spend in nature, the more I am in awe of what God is doing. The more time I spend time with God, the more joy I feel, even in the difficult times. The more He speaks to me.

I have two major blessings in my current situation. First, I do not own a car. Second, I do not own a TV. These may not seem like blessings but let me tell you why I believe they are incredible blessings.

Because I do not have a car, I either take the bus or walk. Currently, I prefer to walk and I normally only take the bus if it’s raining or I’m carrying a lot. I love walking, because I can put on worship music and use my travel time as a worship time. As I walk to my destination, I also see the incredible beauty of God’s creation. Most of the photos I take are taken while I am walking. I see cars go by, with people in them that are most likely focused on what they need to do or where they are going. I believe that sometimes in their busyness and quest to get somewhere quickly, they do not see God’s creation.

The second blessing of not having a TV has helped me to spend a lot of time in God’s presence. I do not think that everyone needs to get rid of their televisions or be extreme about not watching TV, but I do believe that a lot of what is on TV is negative and does not glorify God. I have been without a TV since last August and have probably watched a total of 2 hours of TV since then.

Do I miss TV?

Not at all.

It is normally focused on who we are and not who God is. I spend the majority of my time in nature and I see God’s beauty everywhere I go. I spend time reading by the lake. To me, it is calming and soothing. It helps relieve my anxiety. I feel at peace being by the lake, listening to the birds and the other wildlife.

I am always in awe of God in nature. How many times do you stop to look at the flowers which God has designed? Have you ever been amazed at how beautiful they are?

 Last night there was a beautiful sunset. The rays were awesome. I was completely in awe.

Something I have started a few months ago is to stargaze every few days. When I stargaze, I realize how really small I am and I see life from a higher point of view. It gets rid of the busyness, nitty gritty, day to day lifestyle I get stuck in. God brings a greater picture of life into my mind. There is more to life than the small things. There is a greater power out there.

My challenge to you is to spend more time in God’s presence, whatever that may mean to you. Have a conversation with Him. See the awesomeness in the creation He has created. This world is too beautiful to not spend time dwelling in it just to be still and know God.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

-Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

The Ultimate Lifesaver

“Faith is an integral part of the movement through fear, and faith is the leap we make into the unknown, even when we’re not so sure about the light.”

-Jeff Golliher, Moving Through Fear

Some may ask how I could put my faith in something I cannot see. When attacks and disasters occur, I often am asked how I could trust a God that allows bad things happen to good people. How could I believe that something or someone truly cares about each one of us if they allow such horrible, awful things?

I have survived years of severe abuse, neglect, and homelessness. I lost my oldest brother and grandfather to suicide. I struggle every single day with schizoaffective disorder and relive my past traumatic experiences through flashbacks and nightmares due to post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Trust me when I say that I have often questioned God, but He has proven over and over that He does care, even though He has allowed awful things to happen to me.

The only reason I am still living and why I am still fighting through each day is my faith and trust in God.

Having faith means putting our trust in God, even in the midst of great suffering. In those moments when our lives are shattered. In those moments of frustration and anger. In those moments when we do not know how or if we will move forward. In those moments when we do not know how we can piece together the million shattered pieces of our life.

Faith is not letting our circumstances ruin our lives. Faith is not allowing our fears and doubts destroy our lives. Faith is putting our hope and trust in God, even when He seems distant or that He's ignoring us. Faith is finding the light in the darkness.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, 

the evidence of things not seen.”

-Hebrews 11:1 (KJV)

As I look back on my life, I am amazed at how God has guided me and strengthened me. It is so evident that He has been and still is intricately piecing my life together. He helps me every day to pick up the pieces and help me cope with my past. He was there when I was abused, neglected, and homeless. He is with me every time I have a flashback or nightmare. He helps me through my paranoia and psychotic episodes.

Being a scientist, engineer and mathematician, I often look for evidence to support a hypothesis or a claim I have made. In the same way, I constantly look for evidence of God in my life. His love and light are so evident in my life that anyone could tell me there is no God and I would not believe it.

When I was 6 years old, I was left home alone with the stove accidentally left on. I went all around the house, trying to figure out how to stop the fire or how to get outside the house, but I ended up having to call 911. The firemen said that if I had called any later, I probably would have died in the housefire.

When I was 20 years old, I attempted suicide and the police told me that I was very close to dying. Not only that, but I very narrowly escaped a severe spinal cord injury due to numerous fractured vertebrae in my spine. It was really difficult to pick myself up after such a serious attempt, but I thank God every day that I am still alive.

Growing up, I watched everyone else in my family get involved with drugs and alcohol. I watched each of my family members be arrested for dealing drugs or abusing drugs or alcohol at various points during my childhood and teenage years. At the age of 24, I can say that I have never done drugs or drank alcohol. I also have never been arrested.

The most recent event in which I really saw God’s provision in my life was when I was at the lake a few months ago. I had just gotten off the phone with my mother, in which we had a very serious conversation. My anxiety was running very high, so I went to the lake to debrief and calm down. When I got to the lake, I saw a white bird and immediately, I felt the anxiety wash away. Over the next few weeks, I saw many white birds and when I did, my anxiety was always calmed. Eventually, though, my psychosis started. I followed a flock of white birds to the hospital. No joke. I followed them the entire way. When I finally got to the hospital, my body started to shut down. I became catatonic and did not eat, sleep or talk for two days. I still do not know how I got to the hospital, except that I followed those white birds. They literally saved my life. I shudder to think of what would have happened if I had not followed them when I did. Even the doctors were surprised about how I got to the hospital.

If you take anything away from this blog, I want you to know that we can put our faith in God because He will never leave us or forsake us. He was there with you in your mother’s womb and He will be with you at your last breath. We serve a God who never abandons us. No matter how distant he may seem, He is there for you. Always was and always will be.

Many of you know that I love music and that music helps me to cope with stuff. Well forgive me, but I am going to end this post with a Justin Bieber song (yeah, I know...). But the chorus of this song actually relates to how life can sometimes feel with God. Sometimes it may feel like we are drowning in the chaos and twists and turns of life, but God is our ultimate lifesaver.

I'm overboard and I need your love, pull me upI can't swim on my own, it's too muchFeels like I'm drowning without your loveSo through yourself out to me, my lifesaver-Justin Bieber, Overboard lyrics

Fear into Hope, Darkness into Light

Fear.

Though it's a four-letter word, it carries with it a ton of meaning. This past week, our nation has been shocked by events that have caused fear to run through our veins, the very essence of who we are as a society and a nation.

Some fear is healthy and necessary. Lately, due to my numerous hospitalizations, I was fearful of losing my position at work due to my absence and my inability to complete all the work. That fear was healthy, in the fact that it allowed me to be prepared when I ended up losing my position this past week. Because I had mentally prepared for the loss of my job, I was better able to handle the loss emotionally.

However, the fear that has been instilled in so many of our lives after the attacks this week is, I believe, unhealthy. I believe that we should not have to live in a world in which we are afraid to go to the movies, go to school, or even run a marathon.

How do we pick ourselves up from these attacks which instill so much fear in us? How do we move forward to become a more peaceful nation and world?

I believe that it begins with each one of us.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; 

but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

-2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)

I believe that in order to move forward, we need to remember who our Creator is and though these attacks are becoming more frequent, we serve a God who is in control. He is more powerful than we can imagine. We can trust in Him through any attacks, whether on a personal or national level. I do not have the answers to why God would allow these attacks to happen, but what I do know is that God hurts with us, He was and is not absent, that He wants us to heal and is there for us as we heal.

Personally, I have put a lot of trust in God these past few days, having lost my job. I fully trust that He will lead me to where I need to go and what I need to do. I believe that this is not only applicable to my own life, but to all of our lives and our nation as a whole. No matter what, we need to trust God.

As someone who lives with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), an anxiety disorder, I often live in panic. I have a lot of fear not only during my nightmares and flashbacks, but also of when I will have the next one. On top of that, I have been having psychotic episodes due to schizoaffective disorder. At the onset of the psychotic episodes, I become very paranoid. I live in a state of fear that everyone is talking about me and conspiring to get rid of me.

Living in a state of fear all the time is not how God intends us to live. Just like it would be insane and unhealthy for Boston to have a complete shutdown all the time, it is unhealthy for us to be in such a state of fear that we emotionally and mentally have a complete shutdown.

That's just not how we are meant to live.

I believe that the peace in our world begins with each one of us. It involves praying for those who are in the affected areas of all the disasters and attacks. It involves donating blood or signing up to be an organ donor. It involves showing others the love of God and that the God we serve is not part of these attacks or disasters. It involves moving forward from these attacks in such a way that the fear doesn't rule our lives or our nation. We cannot give fear control.

We serve a God who heals. We serve a God who protects. We serve a God who picks us up. We serve a God who loves us unconditionally. We serve a God who is there each step of the way during recovery. We serve a God who is not just a God in the sky but One who is with us and within us.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear."

-1 John 4:18a (NIV)

My prayer is that through each of us, God's love and light shines brightly to those around us. Whether or not you are in Boston, you can make a difference in the world.

In every interaction we have an opportunity to either make someone's day brighter or make it worse. Just this morning, I had an opportunity to make someone's day. I was waiting for the bus and there was a blind man beside me. A few buses came by and I told him which bus number it was after he told me which one he needed to take. When the correct bus came, I told him it was the one and he thanked me. This interaction took a matter of ten minutes, but I was able to help him and show that I cared. I tell this story not to say how great I am, but to show that we cannot just rely on the lawmakers to make our world more peaceful; we need to work together, with each of us playing a role.

How can each of us help each other through this darkness, fear and confusion?

Each of us needs to make the most of every opportunity and interaction to make a difference in this world.

More laws may help us but a more peaceful world honestly and truthfully begins with each one of us. Through us, the light and love of God can shine to make this world more peaceful and hopeful.

The Synchronization of Change

Lately I have been reading a lot of research papers in order to prepare a paper for one of my classes. The papers have been on various studies that looked at the synchronization and desynchronization of neural signals.

When our neural signals are synchronized and working together, the signals are amplified. However, when the signals are desynchronized, there are a lot of issues, such as disorders like schizophrenia and Alzheimer’s. There is a lot of chaos in desychronization.

I was thinking about this phenomenon on a personal level. When things in my life seem chaotic and my life seems like it is in a million scattered pieces, I don’t function well. Currently, I am trying to integrate the two major parts of my life- the very successful person who has made an impact in the world and the very deeply hurt child who wants to heal. Because my life is kind of split, it has caused a lot of chaos in my life. I believe that with the integration of the parts of my life, my life will, in essence, be amplified. My message of hope and healing to others will be amplified.

I also thought about this with respect to our world as a whole. Watch the news and you are bombarded with news that shows that our world is scattered. People are killed every day, intentionally and unintentionally. People are hurting. People die from hunger and thirst. Women.  Men. Children. Our world as a whole is hurting.

And that is where unity comes in. It is in our unity that we can find peace.

“For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith;  if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach;  if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.”

-Romans 12:4-8 (NIV)

We all have gifts, whether or not you are Christian. We all have talents that we can use to make this world a better place. But it takes each one of us to make this world more peaceful.

I am frustrated with the news. I am frustrated that everywhere I turn, there is bad news. I am frustrated that women are raped, that people are judged incorrectly, that there is not more justice and truth in our world. I am frustrated that our world is not more peaceful. I truly have a dream for a more peaceful nation and world. I have a dream that we will unite, not just as Christians, but as people. I have hope that this every person on this world will feel loved, appreciated and accepted.

It takes each one of us to turn this chaos into beauty.

My question to you is: will you join me?

It does not take much to make someone’s day. A simple smile can make someone’s day. A simple five minute conversation can tell someone that they matter and that you care about them.

If we want the world to change, we must stop the cycle and learn from our past. We need to stop the chaos and the desynchronization in our world. During the learning process, neural signals are strengthened through synchronization and coherence. Response times for various tasks are shortened.

In the same way, we need to look back on all of the negative events in our world and learn from them so that we can not only respond quicker, but that we can use the learning process to move forward into a more peaceful world.

If we really want the world to change, we need to unite. Our signals inside of us need to be synchronized. Our signals towards each other need to be synchronized. I have had enough of the desynchronization and chaos. We need to unite together.

This world needs to change.