Hang In There

It’s been very cloudy for the past few days here in Florida. It’s been raining off and on and according to the Weather app on my phone, this is how it’s going to be for a few more days.

Needless to say, I am a bit upset because I miss my days of sitting by the lake and reading. I’ve been, for the most part, stuck inside reading on my couch. I’ve still been going for walks around a pond near my house, obviously with an umbrella. Walking helps me to destress and alleviate any anxiety I have. Being in nature helps me to feel close to God.

All of this bad weather and rain has got me thinking about storms. Not the kind that has been going on here in Florida, but the figurative storms we deal with throughout our lives.

Some storms we can see off in the distance. We know something is coming in our lives that is difficult and immensely painful. We want to escape it, but we know we just have to continue to move forward. Though we are afraid, we walk forward.

We take a few steps forward, hesitantly, but we walk forward, trusting in God. We trust that His plan for our lives is greater than any storm we will come across. We trust that He will carry us through the storm.

After taking ten months off of college to heal after my suicide attempt, I was hesitant to go back to school in some ways. I knew people would have questions. I knew that some people would not know how to react to me being back in college. I knew there would be answers I would not be able to give, but I trusted God and He provided me the courage and strength I needed to go back to college. He brought people into my life who truly helped me through that transition. I ended up being very successful, graduating at the top of my class.

Other storms just come out of nowhere. If you’ve lived in Florida for any period of time, you probably know what I mean. A few weeks ago, I was walking on my way to church on a Sunday morning. I got about halfway to the church when all of a sudden, it poured. When I say it poured, I mean IT POURED! I quickly got under a doorway to a restaurant and stayed there for about ten minutes. It didn’t seem like the storm was stopping anytime soon, so I called a friend and they drove me to church. My clothes were absolutely drenched.

Have you ever felt a storm come on like that in your life? Out of nowhere, it just starts pouring in your life. Difficulty after difficulty. Obstacle after obstacle. Struggle after struggle.

I have.

Within a few months, my mother and I had been evicted from our home, became homeless, found an apartment, she lost her license so we had no car anymore, and I lost my oldest brother to suicide. It all happened at the same time, and I was left asking God, Why? Why everything at the same time? What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to pick up the pieces?

But through all of those difficulties, God carried me. At the same time, I began receiving college acceptance letters.  The ray of light was in those letters. The way forwards was in those letters. I saw hope in those letters. We learned to live without a car and we have actually been without a car for almost 8 years or so. I gave speeches to other students at my high school about suicide and drug prevention, in memory of my brother.

I believe one reason I am still here on this earth is to tell others that there is always a ray of light in the darkness of the storms. Our storms in this life are ephemeral and temporary. So just hang in there. Things will get better.

Still other storms start accumulating over time. The storm clouds roll in one by one and then the rain starts, but it’s gradual. It’s not as quick as the drenching, flooding storms. But nonetheless, these storms are very difficult to go through and overcome.

When I am manic, I tend to lose sleep. Over time, I need less and less sleep. My psychotic episode in March began with me sleeping only about five hours a night. I wanted to sleep more, but I just couldn’t. It went from 8 hours to 7 hours to 6 hours to 5 hours. Slowly, the paranoia and anxiety got worse and worse, until I ended up in the hospital.

It’s in these storms that we learn to listen to the alarms. The warning signs. Our life begins to deteriorate and the storm is rolling in.

No matter what storm we are going through, we always know that God holds us. He carries us. He cares for us. No matter how difficult things become, we can put our full trust in Him. He will never leave us nor forsake us.

“We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed;

we are perplexed, but not in despair;

Persecuted, but not forsaken;

cast down, but not destroyed”

-2Corinthians 4:8-9 (KJV)

I want to leave you with a song that I have been listening to a lot lately. Listen to the words. Let the beauty in these words and lyrics sink in.