I'm a Dreamer

Today has been an incredible day. By today, I mean yesterday. I am writing this post on Sunday night but posting it tomorrow, which is today. How many people are confused?

I'm sorry for any confusion but I wanted to write this while I am still "in the moment."

Anyways, I want to tell you that today has been an awesome day because I decided that I am reapplying to PhD programs across the country. I came to this decision because of my ongoing stability on the medications I'm taking. I've been out of the hospital for 5 months and 5 days. It's also 3 and a half weeks into the semester and I'm not stressed out even though I'm taking an overload of courses. My stress level is at a healthy level- enough to make me do my work and study, but not enough to trigger my PTSD, bipolar and schizophrenia.

My point being... I am ready to make my dream of receiving a PhD happen.

I say this because I think many people give up on their dreams because things happen. As my calculus teacher in high school said, "Sith happens." Yes, Blogger, I spelled it right. Thank you very much. I think we all know what my professor was trying to say.

Last semester, I had four hospitalizations. I remember in my fourth hospitalization, the doctors, nurses and techs told me to withdraw from school. They told me not to take F's. They thought there was no way to pass my classes after missing nearly 6 weeks. Well, I worked my butt off the last two weeks of school and received an A, B and B+. What others thought was impossible was possible, because of my stubbornness and resilience. If I had listened to the nay-sayers, I often wonder where I'd be.

Last semester was chaotic, scary and all-out the hardest semester of my life, but I made it through because at the end of the day, I was resilient and never gave up. To me, withdrawing wasn't even an option. So I pushed on ahead.

Now, as I pick myself up, I am moving forward and fulfilling the dream I've had since I was in my first year of college.

Never give up. Go for your dreams. Go for the goals God has set in your head. Don't let circumstances ruin your dreams. You never know where your dreams will take you...

Be Free

“Healing is nearly completed when a victim can reclaim her courage and realign her choices with the dreams and values she has always cherished. We can recover from fear when we are able to remember who we are and always have been, and put that knowledge into action.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

This morning, as I finished The Paranoia Switch, I feel as if I am reclaiming my courage and healing in tremendous ways. I’ve had a few breakthroughs in my healing process in the past few weeks and I am really excited about the prospect of moving forward and doing what God has called me to do, the dreams which I believe He has put into my heart.

This summer has definitely been a healing one.

One of my greatest dreams is to help others through biomedical engineering. I want to make the lives of those with physical disabilities easier and more manageable. I am extremely excited about my last semester of the Master’s program. I believe that with my degree, I will have a great chance to help many. 

I'm at the point where I feel like nothing can stop me from achieving my dreams.

The quote above struck me because it is so concise and simple, yet so profound. I love the second sentence, in which Stout says that “we can recover from our fear when we are able remember who we are.”

Who are you?

I can honestly say that I know inside and out that I am a beautiful child of God.

That has not always been easy to say and recognize.

But I’m healing and I'm starting to really believe it.

I deal with multiple mental illnesses, which constantly affect me in ways that make me more fearful. Not only do I struggle with PTSD, an anxiety disorder, but I also have schizoaffective disorder, through which I suffer from paranoia and psychosis.

And that’s where trusting in God comes into my life.

No matter what comes my way, God is for me and not against me. I could be having the worst day imaginable, but God goes with me and is there for me every step of the way.

And He does the same for you.

“Freedom is frightening, and hard. It requires us to be brave and to remain in charge of our own minds.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

How true is that?

Freedom can be frightening and very hard. It's like diving into the unknown, diving into something different than you've ever experienced before. To be free in Christ is an adventure.

Part of it is about taking back control. It's about recognizing who we are in God- how precious we are to Him.

And that's the process I'm going through at this moment.

I want to leave you with a quote from the new book I'm reading.

"Imagine a life where we could... let the world see us for who we really are- vulnerable, valuable, hurting, hoping, dreaming, believing, wondering, wandering people who just want to be known and loved and accepted "as is"... both by God and by others."
-Steven James, Becoming Real

Let us all believe that we are to be loved, as we are.