Glimpses of God

I can remember my nightmare this time extremely vividly. Usually they fade away in a few minutes when I wake up. But lately, my nightmares have stuck with me longer...

This time, I was on a field trip with kids from my high school French class. There they were, as I remembered. Our bus driver was crazy. At one point, he reached behind his seat to put money in what was supposed to be his backpack, but it was actually mine, as I was sitting in the seat behind him. I told him he put the money in my backpack. He said thanks and I put the money in his backpack.

Now for the nightmare part of my dream...

He was pulling up to an area that looked much like an area that my local bus pulls up to on my trip to the mall, except that there was an abandoned old building and the road was big wooden pieces floating on what looked like the ocean. Everyone in the bus thought we were going to drown, but the bus driver put the bus in full gear and sped across the wooden pieces, nearly drowning. We waited until the bus had gotten across to breathe. It was absolutely terrifying. We went low into the water as we crossed, but we did not drown.

I have had this type of dream quite a lot. The almost drowning in a car has been in a few of my dreams before, especially drowning going around a bend... But that was not the end of the dream.

We begged the bus driver to stop and go to the abandoned building. He finally gave in. The abandoned building was full of holes and there were no walls, so we had to be very careful. As careful as I tried to be, I seemed to keep falling, except someone always was there to catch me. I must have fallen about 10 times and they were frustrated with me, but each time, they caught me.

It was scary to fall, but I imagine after waking up from the dream, that those people were like God. He catches us when we fall, no matter how many times, no matter how far, He is there. He rescues us no matter how frustrated He is with us. No matter how scary this life is, He is there...

I think this is the first time in my life that I saw glimpses of God in a nightmare...

Paranoid Dream

"Someone said something unkind about me...Should I ignore or challenge? No, I will let it go...Nothing can hurt me unless I allow it to. When I am pained by anything that happens outside of myself, it is not that thing which hurts me, but the way I think and feel about it."
-One Day at a Time (Alanon book), Jan. 7 devotion

I came across this devotion this morning, even though it was yesterday's devotion. It was as if this was written for me this morning...

You see, I had another nightmare last night. I've been having them every night, sometimes multiple each night. I don't know if it is my medications or what, but I wish they would stop.

In this nightmare, I had gotten a gift card to Sears and so I went to the store after school. I had been planning to go there before meeting up with friends to work on a school project. I was in the process of looking at shirts when my friends arrived. Anyways, someone stole my backpack.... One of my friends did. And there was some private stuff in my backpack. They were tossing it to each other and they wouldn't give it back. They all laughed at me... People who I have known for years and years, real people in my life were laughing hysterically at me. I screamed at them to stop. I told them it wasn't funny. I tried to get the sales associates at Sears to help me, but they just joined in with the laughter. I was at a loss...

When I woke up from this nightmare, it was a huge relief. My mom actually woke me up as she got ready for work. Their laughter stuck with me. I don't usually remember my nightmares in such vivid detail; usually they fade away and are forgotten, but this one reached into my heart and tore it up. People who I have cared about in real life were making fun of me. It was as if my paranoia has crept into my nightmares.

Part of my paranoia is that people are laughing at me or making fun of me. I told my therapist the other day that when I go to the lake, my home away from home, the place where I feel peace and calm, sometimes I'm so paranoid that when I see a group of people laughing, I believe their laughter is aimed at me. I constantly think people are making fun of me and I want it to stop.

That's just part of being paranoid. It creeps in to every aspect of my life, even my nightmares.

Either way, I don't want to sleep tonight....

I know I have to let it go and let God take care of me, but this is getting unbelievably difficult. My nightmare last night hurt very deeply. I know it wasn't real, but it cut deep into my soul. I just want my nightmares to stop...