Pivotal Attitude

"The time has come for me to realize that my attitude toward the life I am living and the people in it, can have a tangible, measurable effect on what happens to me day by day."
-One Day at a Time in AlAnon, p. 246

This quote was in today's reading in Hope for Today, my favorite Alanon book. I haven't been to AlAnon in a few years and I only went a few times but I choose to read the devotions every day because they help me deal with the day to day of my being on this earth.

I like this quote because it shines light on our attitude towards life. Ever heard of the quote "Attitude determines altitude?" I have...

Our attitudes in this life determine a lot of where we go and what we do.

When I was in and out of hospitals in the Spring semester of last year, missing over 2 months of school, I was determined to finish the semester strong. Each time I got out of the hospital, I caught up with my work within 3 days of being discharged. I was given extensions by my professors, most of which I did not use.

The fourth time I was in the hospital, I was told by the doctors to withdraw from my courses, saying that it wasn't worth failing. To them, they thought I was failing all of my courses because I missed nearly half the semester. But after I got out, I talked to my professors and they all said to stay in.

So I was determined... The last two weeks of classes, I had two big papers to write. One I wrote on a creative idea to help with the treatment, diagnosis and research of cancers through the use of quantum physics. The other paper was on synchronization and phase amplitude coupling of brain signals.

Needless to say, I buckled down, read over 80 papers in the last two weeks of classes and wrote those two papers.... Right after getting out of the hospital.

I received an A, a B, and a B+ that semester, something that I attribute to my attitude about what I was dealing with. I easily could have given up on the semester, but I did not. I kept moving forward, forging ahead through the difficulties and came up on top.

I believe wholeheartedly that our attitude towards the life we lead is extremely important. Without a positive attitude, this life is meaningless and we are just drifting. But if we have an attitude of overcoming obstacles and nothing can get in our way, we can overcome anything.

On the Other Side

"Every difficult task that comes across your path- every one that you would rather not do, that will take the most effort, cause the most pain,  and be the greatest struggle- brings a blessing with it... Every battlefield you encounter, where you are required to draw your sword and fight the enemy, has the possibility of victory that will prove to be a rich blessing to your life. And every heavy burden you are called upon to lift hides within itself a miraculous secret of strength."
-J.R. Miller, Streams in the Desert, Dec. 21 Devotion

Boy, do I love this quote...

I can tell you from experience (and you may be able to as well) that when the going gets rough, sometimes it's hard to see the grass on the other side; it's difficult to see the blessings hidden within the challenges and obstacles.

It's been a few days now since I graduated but the excitement is still so real. There were some points last semester that I wondered how I would pass my classes. I did not do well on a few exams but I pressed on, hoping for the best. I trusted that God would help me through everything.

And He did...

As He always does...

I had my mind set on graduating, but I was dealing with severe side effects from my medications and paranoia and psychosis were still a daily struggle. I couldn't remember things as well as I used to, whatsoever. I was frustrated beyond belief. But I kept pressing on. I found a strength inside me that I didn't know was there.

Graduating made me realize that I can achieve anything I set my mind on, because I overcame great difficulties to get to graduation.

The motto that I told myself over and over last semester...

Never give up. You got this. Keep moving forward.

Even if you are terrified of the future or even the present, keep moving forward and never give up. You never know what's on the other side...

Last 10 Minutes

"God actually chooses people on purpose who actually cannot do what He is asking unless they allow Him to do it through them."
-Joyce Meyer, Power Thoughts

I don't know why exactly this quote stood out to me yesterday as I read it, but it did. I guess.. because maybe I still feel like the fact that I received a Masters degree is a compete miracle.

You see, what makes this achievement so special to me is that it took everything I had and that I had to overcome such tremendous odds to get it. I had to fight in order to receive it. It was not just handed to me. It only took me a year and a half to get the degree and in that time, I was hospitalized five times and missed over 2 months of school. Not only that, but I had to deal with paranoia, psychosis and mania on a daily basis.

I'm still reading Joyce Meyer's book and I have to say that I do not always agree with what she has to say, but I do agree when she says that our thoughts play a huge role in how we live. If we think negative thoughts, then our lives tend to be more negative... Ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecy?!

I made a choice that I would receive my degree and that nothing, absolutely NOTHING, could stand in my way, not even schizoaffective disorder or PTSD.

I had three major exams at the end of the semester and I realized that they could make or break me receiving my degree. I had had a previous exam earlier in the semester that I failed because I totally blanked out and could not remember anything that I had studied... Needless to say, I was scared that this would happen again.

But I got into a routine before I took my exams. I studied for many hours, going over the material again and again. I took the exams at an exam center for students with disabilities so I went there a few hours before to study. But when it came to ten minutes before the exam, I put on my headphones and jammed out to inspirational songs I have on my iPhone. I did not spend the last 10 minutes studying. Instead, I chose to listen to music so I could calm my anxiety and get in the right state of mind for my exams. This worked!... Going into the exam, I felt energetic and peaceful, ready to take it and pass. I knew I could do it.

I believe that our thoughts really do help us through difficulties and that we have a choice over what to think.

What will you choose?

Not Ashamed

My paranoia has been going away the past few days and I feel myself coming back to my normal state. Paranoia is terrifying and takes you away from "normal." It puts you in a state of constant, uncontrollable fear and dread. Every interaction with others is full of fear. It took all of me to go to work, because the paranoia even invaded my job, although I tried to hide it as much as possible.

Today marks three months since I got out of my last hospitalization. With 5 hospitalizations in the last 10 months, this is the longest stretch of time I've had out of the hospital since my move to Florida. It is refreshing and encouraging. Even though I've dealt with intense paranoia and psychosis while out of the hospital, I've been able to maintain my new job and move forward through therapy and meeting with my psychiatrist. 

I've been able to move forward despite the challenges.

If anything, I wish that more people knew what it was like to have a mental illness or were at least more aware of what it's like. People are all too quick to judge someone with mental illness and sometimes that's because it's kind of an "invisible" disability. Even though it's "invisible," it can have devastating consequences on someone's life. 

I would never wish it upon anybody, but I wish there was more understanding. I've been vocal about my disorders because I'm not ashamed. It's not my fault that I have mental illnesses. They are very challenging and I am proud of how far I've come. I am proud that I've lived on my own and fully financially supported myself for the past year. My mental illnesses are extremely difficult at times, especially when I feel alone because nobody understands, but I take every day as it comes.

I'm not ashamed to be mentally ill.

God created me with the mental illnesses and so I am going to live to the best of my ability and shine His light in the darkness on this earth.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made"

-Psalm 139:14(NIV)

Sit With Me For Awhile

I went to the lake this morning. I haven't been there in a few weeks and I definitely was due for some lake time. As I walked around, I took photos because it was absolutely beautiful. Photography is my way of expressing myself and I want to share the following poem that I wrote as I walked around the lake this morning.

Sit with me for awhile.

Listen to my story.

This is what I'd tell you.

I'd tell you how I have felt broken inside,

that every part of me couldn't go on.

I felt like I couldn't fight any longer.

I'd tell you about how my life has been twisted at times,

never knowing what will come next.

I'd tell you how I put my faith and trust in God in those times.

I'd tell you how God brought beautiful things into my life

when I most needed them.

He brought me to gorgeous places

that helped me be come closer to Him

and to continue the fight.

I'd tell you of how His light has shone brightly 

in my darkest and most twisted times

I'd tell you about the many hours I have spent sitting alone

contemplating the beauty and awe of God.

I'd tell you I'm amazed about how God has shown Himself.

I'd tell you that sometimes His light shone so brightly

that I was overwhelmed by His goodness, grace and mercy.

I couldn't help but see His works in my life.

I'd tell you how God shines through

even the most simplest of things on this earth.

I'd tell you His beauty is everywhere,

all around us.

I'd tell you of how I felt so small

and I've seen how big God is.

I'd tell you how I learned what it meant

to become a flower in the mud,

rising up against all the odds.

I'd tell you that life is worth living,

no matter how hard it gets.

Moving Onward

Today has been a better day. I started the new medication this morning and the paranoia/anxiety has been nonexistent this morning.

It took all of me not to cry tears of joy in the store this morning when I was walking by people and not having paranoid thoughts. It was amazing how calm I felt. Having paranoid thoughts all day long is not a way to live. It is exhausting. We were not meant to be anxious every second of our lives. We were not made to live in fear. I had gotten so used to living with paranoia that I forgot what life is like without it.

Now what caused me to be paranoid?

My doctor thinks it is my PTSD being very high, which may be due to the intensive trauma therapy I'm going through. The new medication I started today is supposed to help with PTSD symptoms. My mother thinks that my past is way too traumatic to go through at this time. I'm still not sure because I've dealt with some of the past before.

Whatever may be causing the paranoia, I am glad that the paranoia seems to have gone away on the new medication. The paranoia was so bad that I was starting to prepare to go to the hospital.

Having three disorders that are mixed can complicate things and sometimes is very frustrating, but no matter what, I move forward. I take it one day at a time and each day that I feel better is a victory. God gave me this life for a reason and I'm going to make the most out of it.

I want to share another song by the band I saw on Wednesday. The song is called Busted Heart by for KING & COUNTRY. It's a song about God being there for us and holding on to us, even when things get really complicated.

No matter what we go through in this life, God holds on to us. We can find hope even in the most dire circumstances.

To Stand in Truth

Today has been a difficult day.... Just a day full of struggling to get through without ending up in a hospital.

I just talked to my mom about what has been going on and she thinks I may be hallucinating. I don't know exactly what's been going on but I've been dealing with it for about a month. And it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Struggling with paranoia and psychosis is difficult in that the line between reality and fantasy become mixed and it's hard to dissect what's really going on. On one hand, I'm experiencing the world in one way and on the other hand, I have people telling me it's not real. I've had to talk through a lot of my observations and thoughts. I believe in many ways that people are after me or know more about me than I think they know- that everyone is plotting something against me. I've been waiting for their plot to come to an end. But I'm not even sure there is a plot.

I think my history of going through abuse and neglect has a lot to play into my paranoia and psychosis. My PTSD is mixed in with the chaos of my paranoia and psychosis. I was constantly threatened as a little child. My father tried to kill me multiple times. When I was a teenager, my mom's ex boyfriend almost hired a hitman to kill my father for what he had done to me.

Point blank... My life has been very complicated and frightening at times.

Which is all the more reason I cling to the love, hope and peace in God. I find comfort and truth in Him. It is only through God that I can dissect what's real and what's not. It's a constant battle, but I'm willing to fight it. I've already overcome so much.

I was thinking earlier about the fact that I have three very serious disorders- schizoaffective disorder (mix of schizophrenia and bipolar), Asperger's syndrome and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder- but I still function pretty well. My friend last night said that I hide everything well. Other than writing on my blog, I do not really let a lot of people into what's going on in my head. Partly because I think people don't know how to deal with it.

I'm just trying to make it through each day in one piece without going to the hospital. It's quite a journey but God has called me to this life for some reason. Someone was wearing a shirt at the concert I went to last night that said "It's not easy to be me but somebody's gotta do it." No matter how bad the days get, God has called me to triumph over my difficulties.

The lyrics of one of my favorite songs, Stand by Britt Nicole say:

When I feel like giving up 

When my heart has hurt too much 

Feels like I've reached the end

No, I won't turn and run

This battle will be won

When I've done all I can

I stand

Defeating the Past

I watched the movie Scott Pilgrim vs. The World last night. At first, I thought it was just one of those strange and awkward films, but the more I watched it, the more I saw how relevant it is to my life and life in general.

Without giving too much away, Scott Pilgrim wants to date a girl named Ramona Flowers. In order to do so, he has to defeat her seven "evil exes." What stood out to me as I watched the movie was how the past intruded the present. The past haunted both Scott and Ramona. It was something to defeat. Something to overcome. Their past was always "just around the corner," waiting for another fight. You never knew what was to come in the next scene.

In the same way, I am trying to defeat my past. The past haunts me through flashbacks and nightmares. Each and every day I relive traumatic experiences from my past. My past is something to overcome.

I had therapy this morning and to say it was difficult is kind of an understatement. I am exhausted from therapy, especially today. I talk about the extreme abuse, the details that nobody wants to hear, the details that I have held in for so long, the details that invade my mind at various points during the day. It kind of feels like opening Pandora's box. 

But in order to move on from the past, I have to go through it and deal with it. In going through it, we can overcome it in a way that it no longer has the power it does. That's exactly what Scott Pilgrim did. He courageously fought the past and even himself.

At one point in the movie, someone says to Scott "If you want something bad, you have to fight for it." He was referencing Ramona but I believe it applies to anything that we truly want in this life.

What I strive for each day is to feel freedom in Christ. I do not want my past to intrude into my present anymore. I want to be free from my past. And that is what I'm fighting hard for. I'm fighting to get rid of the shame. I'm fighting to get rid of the paranoia. I'm fighting to take back control. That's why I continue to go to therapy and talk through some of the most difficult things one can endure. This life is not easy sometimes, but if we want to move forward, we have to fight through the darkness and chaos.

At another point in the movie, Scott says to Ramona that he doesn't care about her past- that he still loves her even after dealing with her past exes. I believe that's how God looks at us. He doesn't see our pasts. He sees the present and the future. He wipes away every mistake, every regret and helps us to move forward.

This movie helped me to understand what it means to face our past headon. It's scary. It can be difficult. It can take all of our energy and can feel like it takes all of us to defeat it. But we can do it if we set our eyes on God and move through those deep, dark places.

Bent But Not Broken

Here is one of my favorite photos of me when I was a kid.

I love it because it looks like I'm ready to conquer the world or soar up into the sky. This picture was taken when I was still being abused. I think it shows my resilience- that even though I was being abused and my family was starting to be torn apart, I was able to smile.

And that brings me to what I wanted to blog about today: conquering difficulties.

Many of you know that I struggle with multiple disorders. Fun times. Sometimes it can get downright discouraging and difficult. But no matter how difficult things get, I aim to never give up.

A few months ago, I was paranoid and psychotic. I thought the FBI was after me. I thought everyone was against me. I thought people were never going to talk to me again. I was about to give up. I wanted to give up. But what happened next shows the determination that I had not to give up. I called the police to get me to the hospital. I was terrified of the police, but I knew that if I had any chance of getting better, I had to go to the hospital.

Sometimes what we are called to do during difficult times seems insurmountable. Sometimes when we are called to conquer things, it takes all of us. But God's strength inside of us gives us the courage and determination we need to rise, get up and conquer our difficulties.

At bible study last night, we talked about how to get through the difficulties and we read the following verse. I've often read this verse when I feel like giving up or that my difficulties are too big to conquer.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; 

perplexed, but not in despair; 

persecuted, but not abandoned; 

struck down, but not destroyed."

-2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (NIV)

No matter how painful, how challenging, how difficult things get, we must never give up. When things get difficult, we need to turn to God and rely on His strength to get through. We can trust in Him, that He can get us through anything. I know personally because I've gotten through extreme abuse, neglect, homelessness, grief/loss, and multiple disorders. I know what it's like to want to give up. But I also know what it means to get up and conquer obstacles. I believe that the more difficult things get, the greater God's strength will show through. The deeper the pain, the greater God's light.

I want to share one of my favorite songs, He Said by Group 1 Crew. I listened to this song when my circumstances kept getting worse earlier this year. It has been a reminder to me of God's strength and His love. In the chorus, they sing:

"I might let you bend, but I won't let you break"

No matter how broken you feel or seem, nothing is too big for God to handle or to fix. So we must never give up.

Challenging the Challenges

Today has been a better day than the last few. I've been battling against some paranoia. But today it has been almost nonexistent. 

Why? 

Because I've been challenging the thoughts. I've been questioning the thoughts that come into my head. When I think that everybody in town is after me and they are all conspiring to get me, I question it. I ask myself questions like, How possible is it that thousands of people are after me?

I've also talked to people who I know and trust and they've helped me to realize that my thoughts are false. They've reassured me that everything is okay and nobody's after me. It took a few people telling me this for it to finally sink in.

Part of my treatment is about questioning my negative thoughts or ideas. It's about challenging the challenges that I've been faced with. Challenging the negative thoughts is difficult, especially when you've learned negative thinking your whole life through abuse. For many years, all I really knew was fear. I've been told I am nothing and treated like I am nothing for so long that I've taken it in.

Slowly I am learning what it is to be loved. To be someone. To be greater than the negative.

I think a big part of our lives lies in our ability to challenge our challenges. Challenging the negative thoughts that we face. Finding the truth of who we are and what we're made of.

I want to share another scene from a movie I love, The Pursuit of Happyness. No matter how many times I watch the movie, I cry at the end when the main character gets the job despite all the challenges that he has faced, namely homelessness. My mother got me this movie after our own period of homelessness. The last scene makes me so excited because getting the job was so difficult, and yet he did it.

I've had my own moments of joy when I've raised my arms and cried. I have overcome extreme abuse, neglect, homelessness, and loss. I've had to overcome the challenges of having PTSD and schizoaffective disorder. I've had to overcome enormous challenges to get to where I am. I graduated at the top of my high school class and the top of my college class. I graduated with honors with a Bachelors in Biomedical Engineering despite four hospitalizations. I made it through my first year of graduate school with a 3.5 GPA, despite five hospitalizations and missing nearly two months of classes.

I think the greater the challenges, the greater the success feels.

I've had to challenge the challenges that I have gone through. And each day that I move forward is a new day, a new opportunity. Every day that I make it through and I accomplish something, I celebrate "happyness" despite all the negativity. I think that's one of the greatest things we can experience here on earth: joy amidst suffering.

Find the good despite the bad...

The Trust Battle

Trust.

I am currently dealing with issues with trust. I have dealt with these issues for the majority of my life. When I was abused by my father and oldest brother, my trust was betrayed. When I was neglected by my mother, my trust was betrayed. I've had issues with trusting that others really care about me or that they'll be there for me when I need them to be. For so many years, people I loved and cared for weren't there for me when I needed them.

It makes a lot of sense that I am dealing with trust to this day.

Currently, I am dealing with what a friend of mine calls "personalization." It is a part of paranoia that you see things that others are doing and you point it all back on yourself. You morph it into everybody being after you. It's like if someone gives me a certain stare, I think I did something wrong. It's gotten to the point that I think others are speaking bad about me. And it's not that fun.

I don't know if raising my medication will help it. I think it's something I need to work on through my therapy. It's remnants from my paranoia and psychosis. As someone said, medication can only go so far and the rest is up to hard work. I am currently in trauma therapy, dealing with things like flashbacks and the paranoia. My traumatic experience is mixed in with the paranoia and lately I think that people are after me to kill me or to abuse me. I've thought that my father has turned everybody against me. For years as a child my father threatened to kill me. He even tried to kill me a few times.

Point blank, it's not a great way to live.

But today, I started to do something different. I started to say "Hi, how are you?" and "Have a good day" to all of the people I think are after me. And it's actually alleviating my paranoia. Nobody told me to do this, but I thought that talking back to the paranoia would help.

Life can get difficult but through God's strength, we can overcome anything.

"Jesus came to save the lost. His blood-stained hands, feet, and side are proof of the death-defying power of his love for us. There is no place his love cannot reach."
-Jan Kern, Scars that Wound, Scars that Heal

I wanted to end on this quote, because this life can be scary. This life can be downright terrifying at times. I've been through my fair share of frightening circumstances and I may always have some trouble trusting others due to how I was raised and all that I've had to overcome. But that does not mean I have to live terrified or frightened. I may have flashbacks and nightmares of the abuse for the rest of my life, but that does not mean that they have to overwhelm my life.

I can move forward, knowing that Jesus has my back and He will guide me and help me through everything. Nothing that I have gone through or will go through is too big for Him.

I wanted to share a song that has helped me tremendously. I actually met Kirk Franklin during college and told him how much this song meant to me. I had a chance to talk for about 10 minutes to him about how much it helped me through my healing. The song is Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin. It's about letting go of the pain that others caused and moving forward into the hope of God.

Getting Up From a Fall

Today was the first day of my new job and to say I was excited is a little bit of an understatement. It is something new mixed with things that I have done. But most of all, going to work this morning meant that I was getting up and taking a huge leap forward in my healing process. I am getting up from a few months of being in and out of hospitals. I am getting up from the thoughts and the voices inside my head that said I would never get a job again, that I would never recover or learn to deal with my disorders.

I am getting up.

This past week was an incredible week for me. I got a job, I secured enough financial aid for my last semester, and I signed a lease for a new apartment.

With all of this moving forward and getting up business, I've been wondering what it means to get up after a storm. What does it mean to have hope again after feeling so hopeless and helpless?

Part of getting up is having hope again. It's knowing that no matter how bad things are, they have the potential to get better. When I was in and out of hospitals, I thoughts my hospitalizations would never end. I thought it was an endless cycle and that I would be institutionalized for the rest of my life. I was so scared that I would never get up again.

But I clung to God and the hope that can be found in Him.

Part of getting up is relying on God. There are things on this earth that are not meant to be done alone. For a few weeks, I had no idea how I was going to fund my last semester of graduate school. I had no idea where I would live. But I put my faith and trust in God and He worked things out better than I could have expected. It's alright if we don't have all the answers, as long as we trust God.

Part of getting up is to do some things we are not comfortable doing. In order to take care of business, I had to do some things that I am not so comfortable doing, like going to a job interview. I love my new job, but I don't like job interviews. Recently, I was on the phone with people in the billing office at the hospital, which is also one of my least favorite things to do. But it had to be done. And when you do those things that are necessary but not your favorite, you feel relieved. Because you got things done. It's hard stuff getting up after a fall, but if you want to get up, you need to go through the difficult things.

Part of getting up is knowing that this too shall pass. Most difficult things we go through tend to get better with time. As I said, I thought my hospitalizations would never end. But yesterday marked two months out of the hospital. You have to cling to the hope that things can and will get better. I often wish I could flick a finger and everything would be a-okay. But life doesn't work like that. However, they do get better over time. It's about progress.

Part of getting up is knowing that God is bigger than anything we face here on earth. Things can get downright hurtful and painful on earth, but something that always helps me is to remind myself of how big and powerful God is. Nothing that we face here is bigger than Him. Ultimately, He can take care of us and He will, if we allow Him. This has taken me a long time to understand. I've often asked myself why if He is so powerful did I have to go through so much. Why didn't He stop it? I believe the answer is He could have but there is more to the story that I don't know. But the ending is good. He is interweaving everything according to His will in only a way He can.

As I continue to get up and move forward, I have gained a new sense of hope. I have learned a lot about myself and who God is.

I want to share with you a song I've been listening to, Lessons Learned by Carrie Underwood. It explains beautifully how we can learn from the most difficult things we face in life.

Run Forrest Run

For some reason I was reminded of a scene in the movie Forrest Gump and I cannot get it out of my head. The scene occurs where his friend tells Forrest to run with his braces on and he runs. She yells "Run, Forrest. Run." He continues to run, with his braces falling off. He does the seemingly impossible. I tried to find the scene on Youtube but due to copyright infringement, I couldn't find a video. If you haven't seen the movie, I highly recommend it. Who hasn't seen it? It's a classic.

My mom sent me some stuff a few weeks ago, including a devotional called Streams In The Desert by L. B. Cowman. I wanted to share something from today's reading.

"There may be a great work occurring in your life when things seem their darkest. You may see no evidence yet, but God is at work."
-L. B. Cowman

As I look back in the past few months, I know that God has been at work. The past few months have been some of the most difficult months in my life. I felt like nobody believed my symptoms. I felt alone. I felt misunderstood. I was frustrated. I couldn't see how I would get through or that everything would get better. I saw no clear path to the future. Many people did not know how to help me.

I do believe that God works miracles in the darkest times in our lives.

I am grateful for the miracles that God has performed in my life and that He has strengthened me through the storms.

I want to share another quote from the devotional reading yesterday.

"Gently rebuking His disciples, Christ asked, 'Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?' (v. 40). In effect, He was saying 'Why didn't you face the storm victoriously and shout to the raging winds and rolling waves, 'You cannot harm us, for Christ, the mighty Savior, is on board'?"
-L.B. Cowman

That's the kind of faith that I want and that I feel we are called to live. The type of faith that is so confident in the midst of storms, knowing that God is at work and that He has us in the palm of His hands. The type of faith that no matter what happens, we can say that Christ is in our lives. The type of faith that is not shaken by the storms of life.

I want to live out that kind of faith. A faith that yells at the storms, the challenges and the raging winds, saying that I will continue to run this race that God has put before me.

I want to run like Forrest.

As Grace Flows Down...

At church this morning, we sang a few songs that really spoke to me. I thought deeply about the lyrics and they really touched me in a way that I know only God can speak to me.

A verse of one of the songs, Desert Song, goes like this.

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

I had no choice but to raise my hands up high to God, to worship Him as I sang this song, because I know that God is there during every season of our lives. Even when we may not feel it, we have a reason to worship and sing. I have felt God even in the worst moments in my life. Part of trusting God is believing that He's there even when we feel abandoned or lonely. Because the truth is we are never alone. Even when the storms are raging in our lives, we can trust Him. Sometimes it's hard for me because I feel alone and as if nobody can relate to what I've gone through but I am always reminded that God understands. And that is more than enough for me.

Even in the chaos, God is still God. God will always be God.

We all go through tough times in our lives, seasons where we don't know what's going on. Since I suffered a head concussion at the end of last year, I've had nonstop medical issues. Including the hospitalization in October, I have had 5 hospitalizations totalling up to about 2 months in the hospital. It was frustrating. Downright difficult. Hard stuff. But God truly never abandoned me and He is showing His goodness, mercy and grace in my life. And I am very grateful for that.

Another song that we sang was All Who Are Thirsty, in which the verse says:

Let the pain and the sorrow

Be washed away

In the waves of his mercy

As deep cries out to deep

During the early few months of this year, I thought my disorders would never get better. To tell you the truth, I was terrified that I would end up in a state mental institution since I was hospitalized so much. Either that or the endless hospitalizations would never end. The pain and the loneliness I felt were tremendous, but I never gave up. And these lyrics meant a lot to me because deep down, I feel all the bad stuff being slowly washed away. I feel as if I am finally going to be able to move forward with my life.

Having PTSD, I feel like you know that you're getting better when you don't think about the past as much. The memories and flashbacks become less intrusive. For the past few days, they've been getting better. I'm not having as many flashbacks and memories. They're still there but things are getting better.

Part of the sermon this morning was about trusting God to do more than you ever could imagine. As I go through this healing process, I have had to trust God in so many ways, and He is answering my prayers and truly healing me in ways that I never could imagine. It's not easy to trust. I have a lot of trouble with trusting, but I look back throughout my life and see how God has helped me through the seemingly impossible. I have no choice but to trust.

God's mercy is so overwhelming. It is unbelievably good.

When His grace flows down, it is a miraculous thing...

Learning to Dance

I had another wonderful day and this blog post probably will be pretty short. But I am growing in ways I never could have imagined. Slowly but surely, I am piecing my life together again. Baby steps. I hung out with a friend, her husband and their 4-year old daughter for most of the day. They truly are a wonderful family and I love their daughter so much. She had me laughing nearly nonstop and I truly had a blast.

I wanted to share something that they had up in their home because it is something that so much of us need to learn during the hard times of life.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. 

It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Sometimes we can get so focused on the past or even our momentary struggles instead of looking forward to the wonderful plans that God has for us. The trust issues come in with God when we have to put our full trust in our futures we have in God. That even though our life looks stormy and it seems the struggles will never end, they will end eventually. Believing that God really and truly has wonderful plans for us.

Dancing in the rain, rejoicing in the midst of hardship and moving forward despite countless obstacles is what determines what we are made of. And as I move forward in my life, I am grateful to have such good friends. I have had friends from all walks of life reach out to me in the past few months and help me through my hard times. I am still picking up the pieces and struggling in some ways but I have come a very long way.

I appreciate the beauty of children so much and I have worked with children for most of my life. I was reminded today of how they are such a reminder of innocence and happiness and BOUNDLESS energy (don't let me get started!). They are a reminder that this life we have is precious and we need to enjoy it while we can.

Sometimes we need to be a kid at heart and continually be resilient, not letting the negative drag us down. Some days are harder than others (trust me), but that does not mean that we need to take steps backward every time we have a bad day. We need to praise God even in the storms and continually move forward.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me. God is answering your prayers and I have more than enough to be thankful for.

Together through the storms, we will not be shaken...

Huge Leaps Forward

Where do I begin?

My path for the past few months has been extremely rocky and difficult. With five hospitalizations during my first year of graduate school, I didn't know if I would ever get better. But today I am celebrating. For two reasons.

First, May is the first month that I have not had any hospital visits this year. To say that this is a huge accomplishment is sort of an understatement. I was scared last week when I was paranoid but after calling my doctor and getting an increased dosage of one of my medications, the paranoia went away. I knew that if I waited any longer, I might end up in the hospital. So I stopped it before it became a huge issue. This was a huge step forward for me. In a lot of ways, I am extremely fortunate that I recognize the warning signs. Some people with schizoaffective disorder don't remember their episodes so they cannot piece together the pattern of their paranoia and psychosis.

Second, I was offered a job. To say that it is the perfect job for me at this time in my life is quite an understatement as well. It is only a part time job and I'll be doing some stuff that I have a lot of experience doing, so it will hopefully be less stress. It is stuff I enjoy and I am really looking forward to it. It is something I could see myself doing well and enjoying it while I do it. I had been stressing about my finances, since I recently lost my job and I lost my fellowship, which included a tuition waiver, a stipend and insurance. I basically felt like I lost everything. I've been putting full trust in God.

I am very excited to be turning into a new chapter of my life, hopefully a less chaotic and more stable chapter in my life. It's kind of bittersweet because I know people who are going through some very difficult times with their health and I want to give them hope that things can get better.

Though things seem crazy and the world looks upside down, if you hang in long enough, there really is green grass on the other side. There is a chance to break the cycle and to move forward. A few months ago, I never could have imagined how far I've come. I thought I'd be in and out of hospitals for the rest of my life. But yet, its' been almost 2 months since my last hospitalization. And every day, I wake up and try to put the pieces together.

During my psychiatric appointment this afternoon, I saw one of my doctors from one of my hospitalizations. The first words out of his mouth were "You look so much better." Trust me when I say I feel better. Being paranoid is a whole different world.

Slowly but surely, my life is becoming better and things are looking up. There is always hope.

Always, always, always.

For some odd reason, I've been in the mood for country music so I want to share a song that is ringing true for me lately. It's Keith Urban's God's Been Good To Me.