The Number 5

I've been noticing my tendencies to do things in 5's a lot lately.

At work, I clean things in 5's. I fill boxes in numbers of 5's. I work on the 5th floor. Everything that I make has to be in an amount divisible by 5. I take sips from the water fountain in multiples of 5.

On the bus, I sit in the back left corner nearly every time. In the back of the bus, there are always 5 seats. I feel comfortable there.

At home, I kiss my teddy bear in 5's. I take out library books in multiples of 5. I make food that can be made in minutes which are a multiple of 5, like 5 or 10 minutes. When  I read, I read 5 pages or a multiple of 5 pages at a time. I don't like when the chapters end on numbers that aren't a multiple of 5.

My favorite bus to take is Route 5. It's one that I take to my doctor appointments and my church.

I don't like prime numbers. There's something so blank, so boring about them. I like to play with numbers and they are the most uninteresting numbers there are. They only divide by 1 and them self. You can't really "play" around with them.

When I was last in the hospital, I told another patient about my obsession with 5. I guess they noticed me doing everything in 5's, because they mentioned it later to me.

I don't know if it's obsessive compulsive behavior or what but I feel like multiples of 5 are organized. 5 is the easiest number to multiply by. I also like that the multiples always end in 5 or 0. Zero is one of the most interesting numbers that exists. If you study graduate abstract mathematics like I have, then you know how truly interesting it is.

I don't really know where my obsession with 5 came from, other than that I absolutely love numbers and I notice numerical patterns very easily, even abstract ones. I took graduate abstract mathematics courses without the prereqs and without being a math major and as an undergraduate. My professors both wondered what I was doing in their classes but when I started tutoring other students, they stopped questioning. I talked a lot with one of my professors about more in-depth, higher level material than was being taught in class because I was genuinely interested. Math is so elegant.

It makes you think. It makes you wonder. It makes you question... which is a lot like faith.

My Escape

Ever since I posted a few days ago about my Aspergian quirks, I've been noticing them even more. It seems that numbers and patterns invade my life even more than I initially thought.

The following picture may seem simple and blank to most...

but to me, it is a pattern... an intricate beautiful pattern of lopsided squares (rhombi). I count them in 5's and go onto the next column after I get to a multiple of 5. I think about interchanging them, like permutations. How many different combinations can I get of the squares? If every square contained a prime number, what would be the sum? Fibonnaci numbers?

Not only is it about numbers but this picture is a reflection. I think about the angle of the sun and the various physics concepts that go along with light. I think about photodynamic therapy and photon emission.

My mind thinks of these things all day long. I like to play games like this. I like to think about quantum physics. I like to keep my mind busy in order to keep it off the stuff from my past. Numbers, patterns and permutations have nothing to do with the abuse and neglect I endured for most of my childhood and teenage years. 

They are my escape.

I find comfort in numbers. I think, for some reason, it makes me feel like I am in control. I can figure out mathematical games. Numerical questions are problems that I can fix, whereas my past is something I just have to live with.

The same photo above not only reminds me of numbers, but it also reminds me of how for so long, I felt like a captive or a prisoner in my childhood home. And every day, I am getting closer and closer to breaking free of that captivity. Due to my PTSD, I am still held captive in many ways.

Numbers are numbers. They are defined. 

So many things in this life are not defined and slowly but surely you have to get closer to the truth... of who you are in God. You can't let circumstances define who you are. There are so many things in this life that we can't answer but we just have to have faith and move forward.