Prayer in the Rough and Good Times

"If the problems I have to face seem beyond my endurance, I will not explain them to God; He already knows. I will not tell Him what I expect Him to do about my difficulties; He knows what is best for me. When I am faced with something which it is beyond my power to perform, to decide, or to cope with, I will not struggle with it by myself. I will ask Him to show me what steps to take."

-One Day at a Time in AlAnon, Jan. 22 Devotion

This passage from the devotion really made me think about prayer and how we should pray to God. It made some points that God already knows what's best for us and we don't need to pray for certain things, just guidance.

To me, prayer is an ongoing conversation with God, through nature, through every part of my life, through the sunsets and the sunrises. He communicates with me in  nearly every aspect of my life.

I used to be a prayer minister for a prayer hotline until my mental illness got so bad. I loved being able to pray for others. There was an old man who used to call every Sunday morning. He used to tell me what he was going through at the time and also different parts of his life. I was thinking about this man yesterday when I was reminded of the prayer line.

I used to wait for him to call, because he was such a joyful man despite his difficulties. I think he just wanted someone to talk to honestly. It was such a joy to listen to him talk about his life. And over the times that I talked to him, I grew to know him. It would not be an exaggeration to say that I miss talking with him. I loved hearing about how God was working in his life, even through small things.

I believe that prayer brings us closer not only to God, but it has the power to bring us closer to others, especially those who we pray for. It's not only about praying for the negative stuff in our lives but also rejoicing in the beautiful and wonderful things that God is doing in our lives...

Waiting...

"God's timing is not ours to command. If we do not start the fire with the first strike of our match, we must try again. God does hear our prayer, but He may not answer it at the precise time we have appointed in  our minds. Instead, He will reveal himself to our seeking hearts, though not necessarily when and where we may expect."
-Streams In The Desert, Nov. 17 Devotion

I think this is one of the toughest things to learn and understand. In our society, everybody wants things immediately. You answer emails on your cell phone 2 seconds after receiving them. You check your Facebook incessantly to see if there are any new notifications to be addressed. And that immediacy has transformed our relationship with God in a way.

But God doesn't always answer immediately. 

God is not on speed dial. 

Sometimes prayers are answered months or even years later. And sometimes we don't always know why, but when the prayers are answered, it makes it all the more exciting if it takes a long time. Not answering the prayers fast enough does not mean that God does not care; it means that He knows the intricate time when the prayer will best be answered.

The things that are the most worth it are the ones we have to wait for... 

Power of Prayer

"Recently I directed a three-day silent retreat... I met briefly with each woman and asked her to write on a sheet of paper the one grace that she would most like to receive from the Lord. A married woman...told me she wanted more than anything to actually experience just one time the love of God...

The following morning this woman (whom I'll call Winky) arose before dawn and went for a walk on the beach which was less than fifty yards from our house. Walking along the seashore barefoot, with the chilly waters of the Atlantic Ocean lapping against her feet and ankles, she noticed some one hundred yards away a teenage boy and a woman fifteen yards behind walking in her direction. In less than a minute the boy had passed by to her left, but the woman made an abrupt ninety-degree turn, walked straight toward Winky, embraced her deeply and kissed her on the cheek. She whispered 'I love you,' and continued on her way. Winky had never seen the woman before. Winky wandered along the beach for another hour before returning to the house. She knocked on my door. When I opened it, she was smiling. 'Our prayer was answered.' "
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

Do you ever have a moment in your life when your prayers are answered so obviously that you are just in amazement? Have your prayers ever been answered in an unexpected way?

On Sunday night, I went to a bible study with other graduate students and oddly enough, the conversation was about prayer. I think it's kind of odd that I put off reading the rest of the chapter in The Ragamuffin Gospel until now. I left off right at this story. As I read this powerful story, I was just amazed at how the woman's prayer was answered. Even more so because quite a few of my prayers have been answered in the past two days.

I am writing this on Monday night and editing it Tuesday morning, not my usual routine but I've done it a couple times. I wanted to write in the heat of the moment and I also feel like I am in the writing mood.

God answered my prayers in a big way today and I know he answered my mother's as well. That's because I shared some news with her and she was so excited that she was crying tears of joy. We both shared the excitement since we have both been praying about something in our lives and God answered in a strong way, much like the woman's prayers.

Sometimes you just never know when your prayers will be answered, but when God does answer them, all you can do is stand in awe and amazement.

I also posted on Sunday on my Facebook about my "funk" that I've been in lately. All I've wanted to do is curl up in a ball and sleep all day and all night, not do anything. I think it's a bout with depression. Anyway, I asked for prayers. Yesterday, my prayers were answered and today, I continue to be out of the "funk." I'm feeling better each day and the depression seems to have subsided.

Sometimes you just need to wait, but there is unimaginable power in prayer.

Powerful Prayer

I am mentally, physically and spiritually drained. A lot is happening in my life right now and I don't really know what to do except crawl up in a ball. The past few days, all I've wanted to do is sleep. I'm trying to figure out if it's just that I'm really tired or if I'm depressed or if it's the meds. Whatever it is, yesterday was the first day I felt a bit out of the "funk."

I just came across a prayer that I wrote in my journal last semester and I want to share it. I want to share it because I think it's awesome to see that God truly answered my prayer through some of my greatest difficulties last semester. He strengthened me in a way I never expected and it was very meaningful to read it this morning. It was a powerful reminder that God answers prayer and helps us through difficulties.

Lord, I don't know what you are going to do through me but I keep praying and trusting that you will take all of the garbage that's happened in my life and help me to become who you want me to be. Thank you so much for the ways you are healing me and transforming me. I ask that you continue to mold me and remind me that I am cleansed and redeemed. I am not a little child anymore. I am not a lonely teenager anymore. I am your precious child and I thank you for ever single day that I live, even the most difficult ones- even the ones when I ask myself why I am still fighting. I know that you are on my side and I have felt you in so many ways these last few weeks...

I pray that you would take away the anxiety and fill me with your peace which surpasses all understanding. I pray that you continue to strengthen me every day and give me the courage and bravery I need to overcome all of this. Please help me not listen or give into the enemy's attacks because I know that good will win. I know that I am not a victim, but a victor in you.

Please remind me of positive things in my life when the evil and bad memories come. Please tranform the pain and darkness in my life into joy, peace and love. Please let me see your light even in the darkest times. Let me never lose sight of the hope I can only find in You.

Continue to heal me, restore me, trasnform me, mold me, cleanse me, redeem me and refresh me.

A True Miracle

A few days ago, my mother reminded me of a miracle that happened nearly a year ago when I was in the hospital. I asked her to write about the miracle so that I could post it on my blog. I wanted to share with all of you this awesome miracle that happened.

Last October I received a phone call from my 23 year old daughter Chelsea.  She was having spasms after having a shot of Benadryl and Reglan for a migraine headache and a mild concussion.  She had bumped her head at work after retrieving her phone charger under her desk.  After a few days of her nonstop spasms I boarded a plane to Gainesville, Florida to help her. 
 
When I got there she was having trouble walking and talking due to the spasms.  After several trips to the hospital and several series of different drugs I called 911.  Frustrated that the symptoms were not subsiding I was scared and concerned for her health.
 
Once in the emergency room she was seen by a few doctors.  The doctors took Chelsea off all drugs at this time.  The third emergency room doctor came in and talked to me as Chelsea finally fell asleep for a few hours. As Chelsea slept the doctor said sometimes there isn't an explanation to the medical problems she was experiencing.  She said they would see how she did without any medication.  I had told the doctor that Chelsea had spoken earlier to a Christian radio announcer at Joy FM.  The doctor then said that while 
the doctors may not have an explanation to what was going on with Chelsea - God did! I asked the doctor to pray for my daughter.  At that time, the doctor said she would pray for my daughter right in the emergency room.  We laid hands on my daughter as she slept.  I could feel the power of God in the room.  
 
The following morning, I went to see Chelsea in the room she had been transferred to.  When I got to the room I was documenting her experience.  As we went through each day I was writing down everything Chelsea could remember.  Chelsea said "I can speak."  I told her to wait as I was finishing writing down what she was saying.  Again, Chelsea said "I can speak." I looked up at her and realized she was speaking without spasms.  The joy I felt at that time cannot be explained in words. I knew at that time she was finally healed.

I will never forget the doctor's expression when he came into the room that morning and I was sitting up and talking normally. I will never forget the nurses walking by my room and saying "4B is healed!"

Conversations with God

“Prayer is the process of shedding out lies, our masks, and our inhibitions, and standing in God’s presence as we really are- neither proud nor ashamed, simply accepted and loved and heard.”

-Steven James, Becoming Real

Do you pray?

I pray but not usually with my head bowed down and my eyes closed.

You see, I believe that God hears us whether or not our head is bowed down or our eyes are closed.

He hears us all the time, whether our words are eloquent or not.

Last year, I volunteered as a prayer minister for a prayer hotline. I prayed for about 10 people every shift. My first time on the hotline, I was absolutely terrified. But I prayed before I started. Every time my shift started, I prayed for the Holy Spirit to speak through me. And He did. Many people who I spoke to cried after I prayed and told me I said exactly what they needed to hear. It certainly wasn’t my own doing.

I believe prayer is something absolutely beautiful that connects us to God and the Holy Spirit.

I pray every time I go to the lake. God uses everything at the lake to speak to me. 

The flowers...

The water...

The birds...

The trees...

The clouds...

The sunsets...

I believe part of prayer is opening up ourselves to be able to listen to God through the many ways He speaks to us. There are endless ways He can speak. Every day, I am astounded by how God speaks to me.

Prayer is a conversation with the One who made this world, the One who created each of us. He cares for each of us and we are not too little for Him to ignore.

Prayer is powerful.

Working It All Together

To be completely honest, I don't even know where to begin this blog post. God's goodness, grace and mercy is very overwhelming for me.

For the past few months, I have had to overcome many hurdles to get ready for my last semester of graduate school. Due to my hospitalizations and inability to complete all of the PhD work necessary, I lost my fellowship. A huge hurdle.

I have taken the past month or so off so that I could take care of myself and get better. It's been almost two months since my last hospitalization, so I feel stable enough now to take care of things.

For the past few months, I have been praying to God, trusting in Him and believing that a miracle would come along regarding my financial aid situation.

And this past week, my prayers have been answered in a huge way.

At first last week, I got bad news. I found out that one of the four courses I was supposed to take was cancelled for the Fall semester. Another huge hurdle. I was frustrated because that would mean I had to find enough financial aid for two semesters since I would have to stick around in the Spring just for one course.

However, I received an email saying that I could substitute the course with another course so I could finish in the Fall. Miracle number one.

Last Friday, I got news that I was offered a new job. It was the first job I applied to and to be honest, I was shocked. My interview was a few minutes long and I did not tell the interviewer about any of my struggles. This job is exactly what I have been praying for.  Miracle number two.

This morning, I got news that I received almost enough financial aid for the semester. It was by far more than I thought I would receive. Miracle number three.

You wanna know the craziest thing?

The amount I will be paid for my new job is the same amount that I need to have just enough for next semester. With all of my money I have saved, the financial aid and the money from my new job, I will have just enough for next semester.

Now only God could pull this off. It all is coming together in ways I never could have expected.

God truly works miracles and I am so overwhelmed today. He kept telling me to trust Him. I looked back on all of the times that I've worried about financial aid and it's come through. I trusted God to do the same this time and He has answered my prayers in a big way.

It's not easy to trust God. Every time I caught myself worrying about everything, I kept telling myself "Trust God. He's got this. Don't worry."

No matter what you're going through, trust God. Trust that He will shine through in your life and that He will help you through the difficult times. You never know how much of His goodness will come into your life.

As I was writing this blog post, I thought about the song Blessings by Laura Story. At the end of the chorus, she sings "What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise." I came across the video I am posting below that is her story behind the song. I love how she says that maybe God blesses us through not giving us what we want or allowing us to go through hard times. Sometimes the hard times are exactly what we need to get through to see how truly blessed we are in this life. Sometimes trials in our lives can have hidden blessings within them.

The Long Journey

“If we will not wait, we will not receive the many blessings the Lord intends for us. The Lord is not a God of quick fixes and fifteen-minute spiritual tune-ups, but a God of long-term, and indeed eternal promises.” 

- Thomas D. Williams, Can God Be Trusted?

I have had many points in my life in which I was frustrated about how long it seemed that God was taking to answer my prayers.

Growing up, I was and still am the only person in my family who has not dealt with drug or alcohol addiction. As I watched drugs and alcohol tear my family apart, I spent countless hours praying and reading Scripture. I cannot even begin to tell you how many prayers I said for each of my family members.

Recently, my family has begun to come together and overcome the addictions. As frustrating as it was to pray for many years, it is very encouraging how far my family members have come.

However, my oldest brother committed suicide in 2007. After years of dealing drugs, spending many hours in various prisons across the East Coast and with the FBI after him at one point, he gave up the fight.

So did God not answer my prayers?

I believe He answered my prayers in an unexpected way. God used his death to do something wonderful…

His death brought my family together. Not just my immediate family, but my external family on my mother’s side, who had not talked to each other in many years.

God truly can take the worst situations and make something great out of them. Often, though, this is a very long process. I spent most of my life praying for my family and just in recent years, I have seen my prayers being answered.

I have been hospitalized nine times in the past seven years. In that same time, my doctors gave me 14 different medications. During my most recent hospitalizations, I had almost given up hope on my doctors ever finding the right medication.

But once again, God answered my prayers, even though it took seven years. The medication I am currently on has had very positive effects on me. I sleep better.  I think more clearly. I eat better. I am able to control my emotions easier. I am able to concentrate.

As frustrating as it is to wait for God to answer our prayers, when the victory comes, it is felt even stronger. The darker the pit, the more glorious the light of God looks. The more time we spend in despair, the more our hearts are full of joy when God's love shines through.

One of my favorite movies of all time is Facing the Giants. In this movie, a football coach faces various obstacles but he finds faith in God throughout the movie. At the end of the movie, one of his biggest prayers is answered. In a few words, he summarizes what it is like when God answers our prayers, no matter how long we have to wait: God, I’m overwhelmed.

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Psalm 40:1-3

“I waited patiently for the Lord; 

and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. 

He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, 

out of the miry clay, 

and set my feet upon a rock, 

and established my goings. 

And he hath put a new song in my mouth, 

even praise unto our God: 

many shall see it, and fear, 

and shall trust in the Lord.” 

–Psalm 40:1-3 (KJV)

I promise that if you wait for God to answer your prayers, knowing that He never gives up on you or abandons you, He will surprise you. He not only answers prayers but sometimes He answers prayers in a completely different way than you expected… most often much better than you expect.

Will you wait for His answers? What will you do as you wait?

Renewed Day By Day

“If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith!”

-Luke 12:28 (NIV)

This verse came to my mind this morning as I took this photo:

I’m going to admit it. Sometimes it is hard to trust God.

Growing up, there were many times when my family was not sure how much food we would have for the next week. But God always shown through.

God always provides, maybe not when we want Him to or how we want Him to, but He always does...

When my mother lost her job when I was growing up, we were worrying a lot about money. When she was volunteering as a teacher for Vacation Bible School at our church, one of the other women asked me to get the key to our family van. I did not think twice so I got the key. Later, when we were getting ready to leave the church, we opened up the van. Our van was full of food and supplies. I still cry to this day thinking about it. One of the women at my church decorated the van with Bible verses, including this one:

“For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.”

-Psalm 91:11 (KJV)

In high school, when I was going through a period of “couch-surfing” due to being evicted, one of my teachers gave me a huge bag of really nice hand-me-down clothing. It did not matter to me that the clothes were used. It meant the world to me to have "new" clothes to wear to school.

After we moved in to a new apartment in the middle of my senior year of high school, I started to receive college acceptance letters. Our new fear was now how I was going to finance college. The money that my grandparents had saved up for my education went towards my oldest brother's funeral costs. I was literally left with nothing. But that did not phase God for a second.

Once again, God provided and I recently graduated from college.

I cannot even begin to tell  you how many hours I spent in college trying to figure out how I was going to pay the tuition, how many sleepless nights…

“Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

-Matthew 6:27 (NIV)

None of us truly can add an hour to our lives by worrying.

Since I have an anxiety disorder, sometimes it is very challenging to not worry. But when I start to worry about things, I try to remember how far I have come and how much God has helped me through every single obstacle I have faced. Why would He stop now after everything He helped me get through?

The question becomes not about if He is going to provide or answer my prayers, but how He will.

With God, we truly have nothing to fear, because He is always on our side.

I’m going to admit it… I think our world needs to change in major ways. I am deeply saddened to know how many people do not pray on a daily basis. Prayer, to me, is the essence of our relationship with God.

The points in my life when I had the most doubts about God were not only the most difficult points in my life, but they also were the times when I was not in communication with God. It was not that He was there… I was just too stubborn to listen. I thought I could handle things on my own. It is really difficult to think about some of the things I said about God. I literally thought I could do everything by myself.

The more I have been in communication with Him lately, I have realized how much I need God to get through the storms. I also realized that our world needs to listen to Him more than ever.

My family has not had a car for six years. I never got my license because the car I was supposed to drive ended up being totaled by a family member. I spent a lot of time frustrated at this family member. How could they leave our family without a car? How could they do that to me? How could they make me have to ask for rides all the time?

But the more I am without a car, I realize how tremendous of a blessing it is not to have a car. I feel like when people drive, they miss out so much of the beauty of God. As they rush to the next meeting or their next destination, they do not have a chance to enjoy the beauty of the sunsets, the sunrises and the beauty of nature. Instead, they are buried in rage at other drivers or so distracted by where they have to get to that they miss the beauty.

I feel completely blessed to not have a car. I highly prefer to walk everywhere I have to be, because I get an opportunity to enjoy all of God’s creation. He speaks to me through nature.

Many people ask me where I take my photos. Most are shocked when I tell them that it is somewhere they pass by all of the time.

I am left asking, When did our society get too busy for God? Why is our only communication with God usually the one hour service on Sunday?

The more time I have spent with God lately, the more I realize how powerful, how majestic, and how beautiful He is…

I am literally going through one of the most difficult times in my life, but the more time I spend with Him, the more I realize that God’s got my back when nobody else does. He can piece together my life in a way that nothing and nobody on this earth can. He is not just a crutch… He holds my life together when I literally feel everything falling apart. He weeps with me, empathizes with me, and is there when my surroundings seem dreary, cloudy and dark.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” 
-2 Corinthians 4:16 (NIV)

Let God renew your life. I can promise you from experience that it will be the best step you ever make in your life. Allow Him to be the center of your life. Allow Him to take away your fears and doubt.

And it’s not just a two-second decision. Walking with God is a process and a journey. I did not just wake up one day and say “Hallelujah! Jesus is the center of my life.” For me, God has shown Himself in so many parts of my life that I have no other decision but to believe in Him and spend my life getting to know Him.

My pastor posted this video and I wanted to share it, because I think it really illustrates how God can take our brokenness, the points when we feel “worn,” and make something absolutely beautiful with the mess. He truly can take the worst situations and turn them into something absolutely gorgeous and amazing.

I cried the first time I watched this video because I have felt "worn." I have had many moments in my life when I felt like I couldn't go on. My prayer is that no matter where you are at, no matter how difficult things are in your life, that you allow God to work through you and in you.

Serenity Within the Battle

“Trust in God allows us to accept the many ups and downs in life with the assurance that he has a bigger plan, and that he knows what he is doing.”

- Thomas D. Williams, Can God Be Trusted?

There are so many things in this life that are so tough to accept.

My maternal grandfather took his life when I was just seven years old. If you read my diaries from when I was a little child, I admired him so much. Needless to say, I was very upset when I learned of his death. My early diary entries were all questions about what heaven was, where grandpa was, when I would see him again, if he was with God...

As a little child, it was so difficult for me to accept that my grandfather was gone.

My grandfather's favorite prayer to say was a well-known prayer, The Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
-Reinhold Niebuhr

There are so many things in this life that we wish never happened or that we could change. But our past is out of our control. It is done with. Over. We cannot change anything that has happened in our past. Often, I want to change what happened in my childhood. I have a lot of quotes on my wall and one of my favorite ones says "It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else." It is a reminder that I can only control what happens now and I do not have to let the regrets of the past rule over my life.

Staying in the present is really difficult for me as I deal with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). In a matter of seconds, at random points of each day, I am back in various traumatic experiences I endured as I grew up. All of my senses tell my brain that I am back there. My muscles tense up. I do not hear anything around me, except what happened in the past. The fear and terror invade my mind. I am no longer 23 years old. I am back there, fighting for my life.

Whether or not you struggle with PTSD, I think that every human being deals with the constant battle of either going back to the past or worrying about the future. We spend a lot of time regretting past mistakes or worrying about how we are going to pay the bills.

But God wants us to be in the present, to feel His presence in any circumstance and to move forward with our full trust in Him. No matter what circumstances we are in, no matter how challenging the mountains in front of us seem, He is with us.

I do not know about you, but I find that very exciting. It is comforting to know that no matter how lonely I feel, I truly am never alone.

“Be still, and know that I am God.” –Psalm 46:10a (KJV)

How many times do we truly stop and just take in the awesomeness, goodness and grace of God?

I was very frustrated with some stuff this past week. My frustration led my stress and anxiety to get very high at various points this past week. But I realized that instead of worrying, I could control my reactions in a healthy way and move forward. I stopped, realized how high my anxiety was and I prayed about the entire situation. I read Scripture. I stopped what I was doing and listened to God clearly. I can say that God answered my prayers in amazing ways. Not necessarily how I expected... Actually better than I expected.

I know personally that the more time we stop our busy lives to be still in God’s presence, the less time we spend on our regrets or those things in our past, the less time we spend worrying about the future and the more we accept where we are in this life and that God goes with us.

Many people know that I fell about 40 feet off a four story building a few years ago. Not only did the police officers tell my family that a tree saved my life by breaking my fall, but the doctors told my mother that they were very nervous about my spine due to various burst fractures in my vertebrae. For three months after the fall, I had to wear a body brace. My mother told me that if I did not wear it, my body would literally fall apart. My vertebrae were shattered. 

Every morning for those three months, I woke up and put the body brace on. My body brace felt like a breastplate so each morning as I put on the brace, I prayed that God would help me put on the armor of God.

"Wherefore take up the whole armor of God, 

that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, 

and, having done all, to stand.

Stand therefore, having girded your loins with truth, 

and having put on the breastplate of righteousness,

and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

withal taking up the shield of faith, 

wherewith ye shall be able to quench 

all the fiery darts of the evil one.

And take the helmet of salvation, 

and the sword of the Spirit, 

which is the word of God."

-Ephesians 6:13-17 (ASV)

With the armor of God and with God all around us and within us through the Holy Spirit, we can get through any storm that comes our way.

This life gets very difficult and many times, we do not know how we will get through the day. Trust me, I know…

But God promises us that He will never leave us nor forsake us. He goes with us, so we do not have to be afraid of our future. We have to stick in the present, accept that we cannot change the past and know that our future is in God’s hands.

“Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: 

for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; 

he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.” 

–Deuteronomy 31:6 (KJV)

I want to end this blog with my favorite version of two well-known hymns that really illustrates what it is like to put our faith in God and to know that He walks with us.

If we let Him lead us, there truly is nothing to fear…

Drawing Strength from Others

I have been reading and learning so much about God lately that often I find it incredibly difficult to choose one thing that I want to blog about. I could write about everything but nobody would read my posts if they were longer than they already are. I came across this quote earlier today and it spoke very clearly to me ...

"Even Jesus needed to draw strength that comes from those who knew Him the best and accepted Him without great expectations.”
-Dr. Erwin Lutzer and Rebecca Lutzer, Jesus Lover of a Woman’s Soul, pg. 120

Lately, it has been very difficult to ask for help and create a support network since I moved here in August. I am not sure if it is the fact that I moved very far from the majority of people I have ever known. It could be, but I think it is something that runs deeper.

Sometimes it is so often difficult to ask for help, because we do not want to be a burden. I find that sometimes I share some of the issues I deal with and I feel as if I am a huge problem. It’s not even my problems that are the problem anymore. I am the problem.

As humans, however, we are not meant to be alone. We cannot survive alone. Maybe for a few days or even months, but not an entire lifetime. God created all of us so that we can support and walk through this life together.

Isn’t it awesome to think that our Creator, our God, the One who created this universe, even needed support and help in His ministry and during his time here on earth?

Sometimes when you ask for help, you are not the only one who is blessed. More often than not, everyone in the situation is blessed.

I have been without a car for over six years. At first, it was incredibly frustrating having to rely on other people to get to different things all the time and to figure out the bus and train routes to various destinations. It took a ton of humility and strength to call and ask people to drive me. It was awkward to be so dependent on others. However, I was able to form incredibly strong relationships with those who drove me to church or my medical appointments. They are still very close to me to this day.

In our society, we are so often taught that we are individuals and it is weak to ask for help. Even more true for men. We are taught to be 100% self-sufficient and that if you ask for help, it automatically means you are weak. No wonder men do not like to ask for directions.

But asking for help, support and prayers does not make us weak. I think it shows a huge amount of strength and courage.

Even Jesus asked for help. His ministry would not have been what it is without the help of the men and the women who followed Him and ultimately carried His story throughout the world. All of the people who still reach out and carry His message throughout the world play a huge role in His ministry today.

We cannot get through the struggles and our obstacles alone. We are not meant to. When I have isolated myself, my depression and anxiety almost always has gotten worse. The only healthy isolation I believe that we can have as humans is time in the full presence of God, alone. To me, that means spending several hours outside at the lake reading Scripture and books about the Christian faith. No music. Nothing but me and God.

It is often in the times that we reach out for help from others that we realize that we are not alone in our obstacles. That realization in itself can feel like a large part of the weight we carry on our shoulders is being lifted.

One of my favorite poems of all time is Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson. I quoted it last week when I was in the hospital. The entire poem is extremely powerful, but these lines particularly have been going through my head a lot lately.

“As we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson

As we share the deep, dark things that hurt us and give us pain and stress, we undoubtedly help others in the process. In our darkest times, we see the light of God. I have seen that light all throughout my life and that is why I have been so adamant about sharing what God has done in my life. We are called to share the light of God to every part of this earth, just as we are called to be there for each other, in the good, the bad and the incredibly ugly moments in life.

I will leave you with a song that has been on replay for the past month or so…

Resilience and Peace

Last night, I had a difficult time falling asleep. But unlike most nights, my mind was not overflowing with worried thoughts. Instead, my mind was overflowing with positive memories of something that God has been using to bring peace into my life…Birds.

This song kept coming to my mind last night and this is a song that I have listened to hundreds of times. I used to listen to it and sing it all day long, in the same room where so many of the most difficult times in my life happened. To me, it has always been a reminder that God is always there. Because God is love.

Listen to Twila Paris singing "Love's Been Following You."

As a Christian, I have often been asked when I first believed in God. I have never really been able to pinpoint one point in my life when I knew or when I completely surrendered my life to Him. He has always been a huge part of my life. I have definitely had periods when I have felt closer to Him than others. Sometimes He has seemed as far as He could possibly be, and in those times, doubt crept in. But fortunately those times of doubt usually were very short because God always brought me back. Not because of anything anyone else said. But because of things that He did in my life.

When people have heard my testimony, one of the first words that they say is “Resilience.” I have heard this word a lot throughout the past few weeks. While God has always been a big part of my ability to be resilient, I think the actual first time that I truly devoted my life to Him and surrendered everything to Him was last October, the moment I was praying on my knees asking Him to take my pride away. Ever since then, no matter how difficult things have gotten, I have never lost my hope and there has not been doubt about how He is working in my life.

I had so many nightmares as a child and unfortunately, I can remember quite a few of them. I had quite a few that had variations but I was always being chased by something that scared me. I was overcome by fear and the closer these “bad guys” got to me, the more afraid I became. And there would always come a point when I would bend my knees and jump and I would quickly be soaring in the sky. Sometimes the sky would be dark but most times, the sky would be light as day. I would just fly until my eyes opened and I was back in reality. I am not sure but maybe this is why I have always loved birds. I always wanted to fly like them, to feel the freedom that I felt in those dreams.

The bedroom I grew up in had three windows and it was in the front of the house. There was a huge tree right outside the window. I am not sure how old I was, probably around 9 or 10. I would have to ask my mom, but one day, a bird started to build a nest in that tree. Every day, I would spend a lot of time watching this bird and its babies. I cannot explain what it was like for me to watch the bird take care of its babies and then there came a point when the birds became old enough to try to fly. I was honestly scared for them. They were so little and I feared that they would try to fly and fall and get hurt. No words can really describe my excitement when I saw them fly. I also became sad, because I came to realize that all the time I had spent watching them grow up and transform was coming to an end and that nest would soon become quiet as they flew away.

In the second house I lived in right down the street from the first home I lived in is my second significant memory of a bird. Although this bird was not real. Yet it has still had a profound impact on me to this day. My family argued a lot as I grew up. One night, my mom and brother had their worst argument that I had ever witnessed and at the end of it, my brother came into my room. He gave me a bird sculpture that he had created. He may not have known it at the time, but I felt that through that gift, God was telling me that I had to let him go and give him to God. My brother ended up leaving that night and then my family became just my mom and I. I grew up watching my family literally fall apart. My father was the first to leave, then my oldest brother left, then my other brother left, and then my mom left for a period and it was just me. My brother often apologizes for leaving me when I needed someone. But I am not mad at him, as I am not really angry at any of my family anymore. Of course, I have been angry at them all before, but God has helped me transform that anger into peace and forgiveness.

Over my many years of talking to doctors, therapists, friends, and pastors, many people have come to know that the verse I have thought about the most throughout my life is Isaiah 40:31, a verse that represents “resilience” in a way that is so true and real to me.

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; 

they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 

they shall run, and not be weary; 

and they shall walk, and not faint.” 

–Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)

Eagles are supposed to represent strength and resilience. I read once that they also often fly alone. They are known to wait for a storm and once the winds pick up, they use the winds to rise above the storm. I have shared this with so many people and one of my doctors recently told me that whenever she sees an eagle, she thinks of me.

The third home I lived in is right near a lake. We moved into that home after many months of living out of a suitcase. As I shared in another post, I lived in about 8 different homes over a period of a year or so.

God used that lake to transform and heal me through some extremely difficult times. It was at that lake that I met two swans. Every summer, I would walk around that lake watching the babies of these swans grow up. For many years in a row, I would be deeply saddened as I watched the babies slowly disappear. Year after year, none of their babies survived. This past summer, however, they had eight babies. I prayed every time I saw them and my heart was full of joy as I watched all of them survive this summer. I had a chance to visit them when I was home for the holidays. It was like visiting another family of mine.

What I learned through watching these swans was to never give up, especially on family. These swans went through the worst of the worst together, including Hurricane Sandy. There were so many times that I saw the parents protect their babies against people as well as the geese who also inhabited the lake. I have been extremely angry, upset and disappointed with my family at times, but I have never lost hope in them. I never stopped praying for them. I have asked so many of my friends to pray for them that I often felt like a broken record. But I knew that God would work in their lives and do things that I could not do myself.

My mom and my brother have come a very long way and we are learning slowly but surely what normalcy is, if such a thing exists.

Now as I am healing, does it surprise me that God would yet again use birds to speak to me or teach me a lesson? Not at all.

A few weeks ago, I was at my lowest point. I absolutely thought nobody was there for me and I felt completely abandoned. I did not want to see anyone. I did not want to talk to anyone. But I posted on my Facebook asking for prayer. I ended up walking about 4 or 5 miles to talk to someone I knew could help. I do not remember how I walked that far, except that I literally felt like I was being carried. I said “I need support. I need help.”

That day, I found the lake that I have spent the majority of my time at over the past few weeks.

This past week, I was extremely upset. So I went to the lake to cool down. My anxiety was extremely high and negative thoughts were flowing through my mind. I was listening to Pandora and all of a sudden, I felt this urge to look up. The second I looked up, I saw a white bird soaring and my anxiety and the thoughts just stopped… Abruptly stopped. I was overcome by a peace and calm that I cannot explain with words, something you have to experience to understand.

I called my mom and told her and I said it was a white bird. She kept asking me if it was white. I got frustrated and asked her why she kept asking me if it was white. I told her I know white when I see white. She told me she wanted to make sure she heard me clearly and explained that white birds are a symbol of peace. I did not put it all together until I remembered what I had grown up hearing about the Holy Spirit.

I have seen so many white birds this week since that day and every time I do, I am filled with that same peace and calm. Nine of them actually flew and landed close to me yesterday during the sunset.

I want to end this post with a video of my favorite movie of all time, “Fly Away Home.” When I was younger, I used to watch this movie so many times that my family thought I was crazy. One time I rented the VHS tape from the library and watched it 5 times in one day. They asked me, “You’re still watching that?”

At the beginning of this movie, the girl loses her mother in a car crash, one of the most difficult things that a human can endure. She finds peace and meaning in her life when she finds these geese eggs on her father’s farm. She takes care of the baby geese as they grow up. My favorite scene of this movie and the reason I can watch this movie so many times is at the end when she flies with the geese to their final destination after a very difficult journey over many miles.

This scene always makes me cry, not of sadness, but of great joy because throughout my whole life, this scene has always been a scene of overcoming the most difficult moments in our lives. It is in this scene that she finds peace with the loss of her mother and realizes the meaning in her life.