Bigger than the Battle

This morning at church, we sang one of my favorite songs, Fail Us Not by 1000 Generations.

There is a part in the song when we sing:

You are bigger than the battle

You are bigger than the battle

You are bigger than the battle has ever been.

As we sang those words, I couldn't help but raise my hands up to God. Those words mean more to me than anything. It's hard to describe what it means to know that God is bigger than the battles we face. Those words are a reminder that no matter how difficult this life gets, no matter how many people hurt us, no matter what obstacle we are facing, God is stronger and bigger than the battle.

And sometimes that doesn't necessarily mean taking the battle away.

As a child growing up being abused, I asked God all the time to stop my father. I didn't know what he was doing was bad, just that I didn't like it. For a long time, I was angry at God for allowing everything to happen to me for so long. Didn't He care? Things just continued to be difficult.

I believe that God doesn't always stop our battles, but He gives us the courage and strength to overcome them and go through them.

In most of my childhood photos, I am smiling. As I look back, I often wonder to myself, How could I be smiling when I was going through all of that? How could I look so happy even when I was being abused?

I believe the answer is God's strength. There really is no other answer.

Healing takes time. And healing takes strength and courage. It means that we have to come face to face with the battles that we have had to face and that we are currently facing.

Nothing can take away what has been done to me- the years of abuse, neglect, homelessness, etc. Nothing can take it away, but over time I can heal and recover from it. Over time, I can come to terms with my past and move forward.

"Inner healing might be described as sanctifying the past... Now that we are walking with Jesus, we can invite him into our past and walk with him there."

-John Eldredge, Walking With God

This thought was interesting to me. Walking with Jesus through my past. But deep down, that is what I am trying to do. I am trying to see the good in my past. Trying to see how God helped me through the severe abuse. I want to walk with God through the parts of my life that I have tried to hide for so long because all it is full of is pain. It's about inviting God to heal that little child within me, the hurting child waiting to be loved.

For most of my life, I don't think I actually knew what real love was. I thought to be abused was to be loved. That has complicated my relationships, because I'm used to being taken advantage of or used. I'm used to not being treated right.

But as I invite Jesus to walk through my past with me, he is revealing to me what true love is. He is showing me what a real childhood is like. He is restoring my innocence, which was taken from me as a child.

I had five flashbacks during church this morning and to say it was hard is an understatement. But as I always have, I try to cover up the pain. I don't want to be a burden to others. As we sang that song, I truly gave my battles to God- my battle for healing and restoration, my battle against mental illness... I gave it all to God, with my arms lifted high.

I want my inner child to heal and to hope in a bright future. I want her to know real love, real peace, real joy, and real hope.

Because no matter how difficult the battles we face are, we can always have hope in God. That is why I fight through each day.

Because no battle we face will ever be too big for God.