I'm Possible

"The trials of life are sent to make us, not to break us...So if God places or allows anything difficult in our lives, we can be sure that the real danger or trouble will be what we will lose if we run or rebel against it."
-Maltbie Babcock, Streams in the Desert, Nov. 23 Devotional

 How true is this quote?

I know personally that the trials of this life can be blessings. I have shared in the past about how being homeless was actually a blessing in a way to me. I have shared how God spoke to me and helped me through last semester when I dealt with mania, depression, psychosis and paranoia.

I think we find our strength in the trials through our relationship with God. Or at least I do.

Despite 5 hospitalizations and dealing with schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar) and PTSD every day, I am set to graduate with a Masters in Biomedical Engineering on Dec. 14th. I want to graduate for all those who were told they couldn't do something or they thought their trials in life were so difficult that they couldn't go on.

My motto is Never Give Up.

I am actually graduating early. I took 13 credits this semester to finish, which is an overload of credits for graduate school. It has been a rough semester, as I've struggled with paranoia and psychosis and my classes were very academically challenging, but I am doing it.

I have 3 exams, a homework assignment and a quiz left.

I know personally that God turns the impossible into I'm possible.

Change

Yesterday, I went to group therapy and we did this exercise. It was after a difficult discussion with someone about moving forward and I felt that it was ironic that this was the exercise. And that I was the only one who showed up.

In case you can't read it, at the top it says "Why do people not change?" and around the circle it says "They can't," "They do not want to change," "They do not know what to change," and "They do not know how to change."

Below this circle were questions, "Which one are you? Why? What do you need to change?"

As I thought about the exercise and my conversation with the person earlier, I thought that I am closest to "They do not know how to change." I know that I am close to making big changes in my life and moving forward, but I'm still frustrated with having PTSD and paranoia. I don't really know how to explain my frustration. It's hard to put into words what it feels like to take 2 steps forward and 1 step back because of my illnesses when I want to take 10 steps forward.

I feel as if they are holding me back from what I could be. I'm still frustrated that I have flashbacks every single day and that the past is still interfering with my present. I want to move forward but a big part of me is still stuck in the past. I want to let go, but I don't know how. Maybe I am holding on? But it's not like I can just forget 23 years of trauma. Especially not with PTSD.

Do I believe I can be healed? Absolutely! Without a doubt. I'm just waiting for the answer to how. Maybe I'm searching in the wrong places? My dream is not to be stuck in the past. Absolutely not!  My dream is to move forward and not have the past overwhelm me anymore. Right now, that is my main goal.

I no longer want to be bogged down by the past. I want to make a big difference in this world. And I know I can't do that with one foot in the past.

This is one of my favorite songs about change...

Straining Toward What Is Ahead

To tell you the truth, when I woke up this morning, I had no clue what I was going to write about. Most times, I know what I'm going to write the night before. However, I just came across a quote that really, really spoke to me and resonated with me from a book I read a few weeks ago. 

You know how you just know that God is speaking to you and He brings something into your life when you most need it?! This quote is exactly what I needed to read this morning.

"Whatever happened in the past is over and done with. You cannot change it, you can only channel it. That means you take whatever pain you lived through and channel the power of it into something meaningful today. Today you are a survivor...You must refuse to ruminate about the past that is over and wake up to the life you have now, focusing on the opportunities before you."
-Stephen Arterburn, Reframe Your Life

Every single part of this quote made me think this morning as I read and reread it. Sometimes I struggle a lot with rumination over the past, due to the intrusive memories and flashbacks that come with my PTSD. But someone in my life is really challenging me to move forward, to move past the past to the opportunities ahead of me.

I know this quote is God encouraging me to move forward, to realize that I am a survivor and not a victim anymore. God wants me to move forward and not be stuck back there. I don't want to be stuck back there. I don't want to be back there at all. I want to move forward with my life, moving forward into the wonderful plans God has for me.

"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead."
-Philippians 3:13b (NIV)

I believe that God has great plans for each of us and He does not want us to be stuck in the past. "The past is over and done with." And so we strive to move forward every single day. We strive to make each day a new one instead of living in the past. We strive to find meaning in the past, but not get stuck back there.

This life is a journey, often challenging but worth every moment.

Moving Forward

"As I have stated in the pages of this book, so many have tried to get me to say that my accident forty-three years ago was never part of God's plan. That my paralysis was never His intention. That quadriplegia was never necessary. That chronic pain didn't have to be. That suffering was never part of His plan. That the many tears and groans and struggles and sleepless nights were needless and a waste of my energy and my life.

I think differently.

It was all planned long ago, and God brought it about in His perfect faithfulness. And because He allowed it and permitted it, because He has walked with me through every moment of it, His plan has been marvelous for [me]."
-Joni Eareckson Tada, A Place of Healing

To tell you in a few words, this book helped change my life in the past two days. It only took me a few hours to read, yet it helped me more than words can say.

I made a few really deep realizations through reading this book, not necessarily things that were explicitly stated in the book but things I came to realize nonetheless.

I realized that I have been living in the past, somewhere that God does not want me to dwell. What's done is done. Gone and over with. I've let my flashbacks and PTSD keep me stuck somewhere that I don't need to be anymore. I am not an abused child anymore. I am a child of God.

I believe I am on the road to complete recovery. I wholeheartedly believe that my PTSD can go away, something that has been hard for me to believe for most of my life since I have been dealing with it for 11 years.

I realized, like Joni has, all that God has done in my life despite the challenges I have faced and that the difficulties are not mistakes but part of God's glorious plan. I have done great things despite endless challenges. I can't let the past overwhelm me because God has great plans for me.

I realized that the past was part of God's plan. I may not have liked it or like it now, but God allowed everything to happen in my life for a reason. I am putting my full trust in Him and His beautiful plan for my life.

I think my greatest realization is that I can heal. I don't necessarily know what healing will look like for me but I know that I don't have to be stuck in the past anymore. I can walk forward, knowing that the past is the past and that I don't have to be overwhelmed by the past in the present time. What happened is done and it's not happening anymore. I can walk into the future, with my hopes of being healed from my PTSD.

Healed Nonetheless

I began reading A Place of Healing by Joni Eareckson Tada yesterday. I actually nearly read the entire book yesterday because it is so powerful. Apart from doing homework, I sat in my apartment reading.

Joni has had a series of unfortunate events during her life. When she was younger, she was in a diving accident that left her a quadriplegic for over 40 years. She also has endured many years of severe chronic pain. Not only that, but recently, she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

To say her life has been challenging is an understatement. I related to her in many ways, and I really look up to her and the fact that she kept her faith despite everything she endured.

God won’t  always change our circumstances, but if we ask Him, He will often step in to change our perspective! He will help us catch a glimpse of life through the eyes of faith, as He sees it. And that glimpse is worth everything.

-Joni Eareckson Tada, A Place of Healing

How true is this?

Part of her book was spent on explaining that we are not always healed. She said that God heals as He sees fit. Joni has been confined to a wheelchair for over 40 years and has tried many ways to be healed but nothing has worked. However, she says that she has been healed on the inside and that's all the more meaningful.

Sometimes we are not healed in the way we expect but we are healed nonetheless.

I've looked for healing for my PTSD. I've been to some healing services. I've sent up many prayers for healing. I've been dealing with complex PTSD for 11 years and I was recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. However difficult it is to deal with these disorders, God is doing great works on the inside and healing me in ways that I never could have expected. He is giving me that "glimpse of life through the eyes of faith." He's showing me that there is more to life than my challenges.

I want to end this blog post with a Bible verse that gave me great comfort yesterday when I read it.

We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God. 

-Acts 14:22

SAP

Last night was the first night in four nights that I didn't have a nightmare. Progress.

Nightmares and flashbacks tend to increase my anxiety, which worsens my schizophrenia and bipolar. You see, I have something I'll call SAP, or selective attention paranoia. I don't believe that's actually a technical term but it best describes what happens.

A few days ago, when my anxiety and paranoia were very bad, I went to talk to an on call therapist. in order to divert a hospitalization. My anxiety was skyrocketing and I knew that if I didn't talk to someone, I'd be headed straight to the hospital.

When I was in therapy, the counselor said something that explains my SAP very well. 

Have you ever played the game Punch Buggy? If you haven't, I'll quickly explain the game. 

When you are driving or riding in a car, you look for buggies and if you see one, you punch someone next to you and say "punch buggy no take back." The first person to punch someone wins.

Anyways, the therapist explained that because of my hypervigilance, I am more aware of certain things that most people are not aware of (heightened awareness), just like when your attention is on something, like a buggy, you become more aware of it. All of a sudden, you notice more buggies than you did when your attention was not on them. Same thing with my paranoia. My attention is heightened towards certain things that trigger my PTSD and paranoia.

I hear people whispering behind my back while walking to class. 

I think it's about me.

I hear people coughing behind me or around me. 

I think it's about me. 

Someone follows me for a long time as I walk to class. 

I think they're following me.

Normal everyday things become abnormal.

So how do I work through this? How do I learn to get rid of or lessen the selective attention paranoia?

Well it's not easy but it's doable. Every time I think that something is about me, I tell myself "It's not about me and it means nothing." It actually helps a lot. I just repeat it until my paranoia goes away. The first part reminds me that everything that's happening is not about me (people are just living their daily lives) and the second part reminds me that what others are doing really has no meaning- i.e. they're just coughing, not doing it towards me- it's not aimed at me in any way.

SAP is frustrating, because I don't want to believe that people are after me or spreading rumors about me. I just want to be normal and lead a normal life. Yet my brain is wired in such a way that I pay attention to the little things, the details and add some hidden meaning to it.

Desperate for a Miracle

I had another nightmare last night. For the third night in a row. There are really no words for my frustration right now.

I wish it all would go away. The flashbacks, the nightmares, the hypervigilance, the fear, the anxiety… I’ve been dealing with chronic/complex PTSD since I was 13 years old- for eleven someodd years.

I hate saying this but to be honest, I don’t know if God will ever heal me from my mental illnesses. I know He can, but I’ve been asking Him to for so long. I've kind of lost hope in that respect. I’m frustrated. I’m exhausted. I’m broken inside. Sometimes, I’m just so tired of fighting.

I want to be healed. I need to be healed.

I’ve tried tons of medications. I’ve been to healing ministries. I’ve been in therapy since the age of 6. None of it has fully healed me.

I want it all to go away.

I don’t want to have the “worst case” of PTSD my therapists and doctors have ever seen. I just want to get better and not have to be reminded constantly of the abuse I endured. I don’t want to be affected by the abuse anymore. I want to move forward. I want to be free. But I feel like I’m stuck and there’s no way to move forward.

I’m frustrated.

I’m tired.

I’m weary.

I don’t want this stuff to hold me back anymore from God’s plans for me. I know it’s not God’s plan for me to be stuck like this. It can’t be. There is more to life than suffering.

I hear about people being healed in the Bible all the time in church. Nothing can really explain how much I want to be healed. Nothing. I want to be healed like them. I want to be free like them.

I am desperate for a miracle.

This song just came to my mind...

I am ready.

Barely Breathing

I had an absolutely terrifying nightmare last night. I woke up and could barely breathe. It took me a few minutes to come back to reality. It also took me about an hour and a half to fall back asleep. I was terrified to go back to sleep but I knew I had to in order to be able to work today.

It was nighttime. I was in my bed in the bedroom I grew up in, the room in which I was abused for many years. In the room, there were three windows facing the front lawn. My father was outside trying to get inside the house so he could kill me. I watched as my mother went around the house making sure all the doors and windows were locked, but I still felt like he was going to get inside. There was still some way he could get in. I was not safe at all. At one point, he even went up to the three windows in my bedroom to look inside to see if I was in my room. When he did, I was so scared. Petrified. I was curled up in a ball in my bed, trying not to be seen.

What was so scary about the dream was how realistic it was. My home looked the way it did when I grew up. It wasn’t "off" at all. You know how in some dreams, you can tell it’s a dream even while you're dreaming. This nightmare wasn’t like that. 

It was real.

I’ve had nightmares of my father for as long as I can remember. It’s part of having PTSD. A few years ago, I had them so often that I hated sleeping.

I live with PTSD because I have lived a very traumatic life, one in which my life was often threatened by my father. My PTSD affects every part of my life, even sleep.

But I am moving forward. 

When I woke up from my nightmare, I kept telling myself that I was safe, that my father was not going to get me, and that I was far away from him. I also talked to my mother for a little bit last night after I woke up.

Recovering from trauma is difficult, but not impossible.

Don't Waste It

"This moment, right now, is all God has given us. He may give us tomorrow, or another decade, or another fifty years. But he hasn’t yet. All he has given us is this present moment. All he asks of us is this moment. It’s all we have to give him. It’s all we can ever give him.

So embrace it. Accept it. Don’t waste it."

-Steven James, Becoming Real

This morning as I write this blog post, this quote really spoke to me.

I had a very hard and emotional day yesterday. I found out some very difficult news. Reading this quote reminded me to make the most of the present time, no matter how challenging it gets.

One of the most difficult things to do while having PTSD is to stay in the present moment. Every so often, I am taken back to the past. I am absorbed in traumatic experiences I went through as a child.

It's also just not that easy to embrace each moment. Hard things happen to us all the time and we are not always ready to embrace life.

But how true is the quote above?

God really has given us this moment to cherish, no matter how difficult, no matter how painful. He has given us life and we are called to make the most of it.

Though it may not always feel like it, this life is a precious gift.

Don't waste it.

Journey Through Trauma

I’m sitting here reading a book about paranoia and terrorism. I wanted to share a quote from the book that really struck me.

“At this point [after 9/11], for many Americans, a fire alarm in a public place… can access “stuck” memories established in a time of great fear, in a way similar to what the backfiring of a car, or holiday fireworks… can do to the brain of a shell-shocked veteran…We feel and behave in ways that are somewhat more anxious and suspicious than our usual reactions… To varying degrees, the emotional systems of our brains were overwhelmed, and our minds became more cluttered than we knew with unprocessed fragments of emotion, image and fear-laden sensation. These chaotic shards of memory soon started to be triggered , and to ambush us at unpredictable times, altering our feelings, our moods, and our behaviors.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

This is one of the best explanations of flashbacks that I have come across.

I have been dealing with nightmares and flashbacks since I was 13 years old, possibly earlier. I bought this book because I thought it might be interesting to learn more about paranoia, since I’ve been dealing with it for a few months.

Traumatic experiences alter our behaviors. They cause us to become anxious. My experiences have caused me to be paranoid.

When I was abused for 7 years, I was overwhelmed with fear and terror. That’s why I have 10-20 flashbacks a day.

Martha Stout talked earlier in the book about the fact that people have flashbacks because of unprocessed memories. I think that’s why I’m still dealing with complex PTSD. Many years later, I still haven’t been able to fully process my memories of the abuse. It's too confusing. Broken pieces.

I often wish my paranoia, psychosis, flashbacks and nightmares would just go away. Just like that. A wave of a wand and woosh! Everything goes away.

But life is not that easy.

It’s a journey.

And journeys mean that we have some ups and downs. All stories have to have conflict, or else it’s not a story. And some of us have more conflict than others. That’s just life.

No matter how much conflict you encounter in your life, you can always have hope because we have a God who loves us very deeply.

When I was abused for many years, I often thought that God was not listening to my prayers. I often felt desperate and unheard.  But God listens. My pastor said in a sermon a few weeks ago something that really helped me. She said “God journeys with us in the seeming answered and seeming unanswered prayers.”

No matter what, we are not on this journey alone.

Hypersensitivity and Hypervigilance

It’s Friday! It’s the most exciting day for most people who work and I am right there along with them. This week has been very tiring but I successfully made it through another week at work.

Paranoia is one of the most frustrating things I have been through. I am honestly frustrated when people say I’m hallucinating things that I see. I get frustrated because I see those things and yet nobody seems to understand my frustration. My therapist told me for about twenty minutes yesterday that what I am seeing is not aimed at me. She repeatedly told me that it’s not about me, there are no rumors, etc. My perceptions are off and I’m hypervigilant.

I guess the greatest explanation I’ve come across regarding my paranoia is that others are doing what I see, but I’m just hypersensitive to it and it makes me paranoid. I think that makes the most sense.

I just can’t even explain my frustration when people say I’m hallucinating what I see. To me, it’s reality and I don’t understand how what I see is not actually happening.

How would you like people constantly questioning your reality?

But another part of me understands what they’re saying because I know I’ve had auditory and visual hallucinations.

It’s very confusing.

Fortunately, my medications have worked to the point that I see what’s happening (at least, I think I do), but it doesn’t really make me paranoid. The medications calm me down so I’ve not on overdrive and hyperly hypersensitive (yes, that’s a word).

Despite the paranoia, I move forward each day and that’s all I can ask for.

Three Magic Words

Someone said three magic words to me yesterday.

Not "Thank you, ma'am."

Not "I love you."

But "I believe you."

When people have been through so much trauma as I have, sometimes it's hard to believe everything I've been through. I first started telling a few people about my childhood trauma when I was 13 years old since I started to have nightmares and flashbacks. Mostly, I was met with opposition and disbelief. I felt like my voice was not heard. I doubted myself. My father said to me often during the abuse that nobody would believe me. I started to think he may be right.

I don't think it's that people mean harm when they tell me they don't believe me but rather they don't want to believe that someone has gone through so much. They don't want to believe it happened for so long. They don't want to think that nobody tried to stop it.

I endured 7 years of abuse by my father and oldest brother. I was neglected for 3 years by my mother. I grew up in a family of drug dealers, alcoholics and drug addicts. I lost my oldest brother to suicide. I've been homeless. I've been diagnosed with multiple serious mental illnesses.

Put simply, I've been through a lot and continue to fight to this very day.

But when somebody says "I believe you," it means so much to me. It means that my voice is being heard and that my father was wrong. It means that there really are people out there who care enough to listen. It validates me and tells me I'm not crazy like my father wants me to believe.

The one thing I've realized by going through everything and dealing with peoples' reactions is that you should believe someone if they care enough to share their story, no matter how hard it is to believe.

It kills you inside when you're not believed. It strikes to the core and you start to not believe yourself. For me, it's also been a part of my paranoia. When I was psychotic in the hospital, the voices were telling me I was lying, so I told all the doctors that I lied about what happened. The voices made me doubt myself. The voices made me believe I was a horrible person.

When I hear "I believe you," it gives me a lot of hope that things will get better.

15 Things You May or May Not Know About Me

I'm doing things a little bit differently today and I am going to tell you some fun facts about myself that you may or may not know.

1. I am currently on 6 different medications. I have morning, afternoon and night meds and I often feel like an old person with my little pill box.

2. I donate plasma and platelets once a month because I believe it is a simple way to give back to the community and to help save lives. I also am a registered organ donor.

3. I play piano. In the past, I've played clarinet, acoustic guitar, recorder, harmonica, harp and french horn. Ever since I was little, I have always loved music.

4. My Bible is literally falling apart because I love it so much. It's over 10 years old and it's been with me throughout many hospitalizations and it's carried me through a lot of pain and hard times. Everybody says I should get a new one, but I refuse because this Bible is like a friend to me.

5. You may think I'm a little kid with these art supplies, but I still love to color and draw. It helps relieve my stress and express myself. It also reminds me of the good times I had as a child....makes me feel like a kid again.

6. I love to read books. I read 14 books in May alone. If I am interested in something, I will most likely read about it. If I had a choice, I would live in a library.

7. When I was little, I used to make jewelry out of small beads and sell them at the boardwalk. Funny thing is that I have never really liked wearing jewelry. One summer I made over $1000 in one week at the beach. I think that beading helped me to cope with a lot of the challenges I faced. I love doing things that are repetitive because they are soothing to me.

8. Through the Charity Miles app, I've walked and ran over 470 miles since May 3rd. I've raised over $100 for different charities. I've fed over 250 people!

9. Maybe it's because I grew up poor and was even homeless at one point, but I love everything that I have. I use everything I own until it breaks or I can't use it anymore. I get the most "bang for my buck", as they say. For example, the last pair of sneakers I had lasted me a whole year and by the end, there were holes.

10. Music is my life, in case you didn't know. I can't live without music, literally. I go nuts. I am always listening to music. When I'm in my apartment, I listen to the radio. When I'm out and about, I'm in my own little world with my headphones blasting music. 

11. This may or may not surprise you, but I LOVE Gospel music. Sometimes I even dance to it when I'm alone (never in front of others). Gospel music has helped me be tough and get through a lot of things.

12. I absolutely love photography except I've never had a professional camera. The photos I take are from smartphone cameras. I love using simple technology to capture the beauty of this world that God has created. There is a lot of beauty in simplicity.

13. I consider myself an artist. My perceptual reasoning (visual) skills are in the 99th percentile and I try to use those skills in my daily life through my art.

14. Along with being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and PTSD, I have been given a diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome twice this past year.

15. This list of things about me had to have a multiple of 5 things, because I love the number 5. I have an obsession with 5's. Everything that I do involves the number 5 somehow.

I hope you enjoyed this as much as I have.

An Undeserved Kindness

The story that the sermon at my church was based on this morning was the story of the Good Samaritan. Many people know this story, about a man who was beaten and left for half dead. Two men pass by him. Then a Samaritan comes and helps him, showing mercy and love to him.

I was thinking about the message today and I realized that I don't think I realized how much mercy plays a role in my day to day life of being paranoid and schizophrenic.

The whole world is after me. The man sitting next to me is part of the FBI and they're watching my every move. They even had people follow me to my apartment so they know where I live. The man next to him on the other side is taking pictures of me, to help track me down. The more evidence, the better. The woman on the other side of me is mad at me for some reason, I mean, really angry... REALLY angry. She is glaring at me and staring at me. Everybody in the world is mad at me. Everybody hates me. I'm a nobody... scratch that, LESS than a nobody. I'm not even human. Why don't they do what I'm expecting them to do and throw me in the lake with the gators?

If you've ever wondered what day to day life with paranoia is like, the paragraph above is how I experience it. The paranoia and psychosis work together to create a cobweb of lies, doubt and terror.

I've come out of psychotic breaks three times now. Each time, there comes a point when I realize that nobody's after me and most of the things I had seen and thought were unreal. When I come out of a psychotic episode, I am relieved to find out the truth. I feel the merciful grace of God come into my life as I realize that I am safe and that I am going to be okay. It's a huge turning point in my disorders. It's also a huge relief. 

Nobody should live a life of terror.

To me, mercy is when we are expecting the worst thing imaginable and then it does not come. It's like living in terror but then a feeling of restoration and refreshment comes in instead. It is undeserved kindness and peace.

A Healing Journey

My paranoia is nonexistent currently. It feels so great. A lot of people say "it gets worse before it gets better" and that was very true of my experience. Late last week was the worse and it was a few days after starting my new medication. I was paranoid, psychotic AND depressed. My PTSD symptoms were crazy too. I was so close to a hospitalization that I nearly called my mom to tell her I was going.

But I stuck in and the medications finally kicked in... And all is good with the world again.

Yesterday, I was talking to someone about the child abuse that I endured for a good part of my life. They were trying to tell me that it's not my fault that I let it happen. But so easily, I want to blame myself. For goodness sake, it happened for 7 years. I feel like I should have stopped it. To someone else, I think it's confusing that I blame myself so much.

It's so much easier for me to look at someone else in a similar situation and say it wasn't their fault- that it never should have happened. But for me, I carry a ton of shame and blame from it.

I think it goes into the fact that I've been practically brainwashed by my main abuser. He told me constantly that it was my fault. He even emailed me a few years ago saying I was a fraud and that I was messing up the family. I was yelled at by my aunt at my brother's wake. Meanwhile, my brother has PTSD from watching me be abused.

Oh, and I made my brother have PTSD? I just somehow brainwashed him? Put things in his head?

My abuser has even told me he would sue the hospitals and therapists I've seen for "brainwashing" me.

A part of me is livid. That part wants him to pay for my suffering. But another part of me is full of shame.

Moving forward, I want to continue to heal from all the trauma I've been through. I don't know how I will heal, I just know I will. Because I've fought through everything that's come my way and I'm not about to let go now.

Last night at Bible study, we were asked to create a "Life Rule" and mine was...

Always move forward and help others along the way.

It's about not getting stuck in the past, but moving forward. I also think it's imperative that we help others along on our journey. This life is not just about us. It is about what we can do for others. It's about sharing our journey with others. Each of us has difficulties, so we each have important things to share.

Lifting the Stigmas

So just like that... the paranoia has lifted. The fog is gone.

I saw some people licking their lips but it doesn't really phase me anymore. I just moved on. I think part of my success is the new medication kicking in and the other part of it has been therapy, working through the paranoid thoughts.

People know I'm vocal about my disorders. I don't think people should have to be ashamed of having mental illness. There is nothing shameful about having a misbalance in the chemicals in the brain, the most complex organ in our bodies. For me, I have come across many stigmas dealing with mental illness. But fortunately, they haven't stopped me from getting help.

I think all too much, stigmas have stopped many people from getting the help they need. It is annoying at times that many other disorders or diseases have no stigmas, but if I tell someone I have mental illness, they suddenly turn away. It's like people want to run away from me; I have an adult case of the cooties.

Mental illness is not something to make fun of or run away from. It can be devastating. But with proper help, it can be treated. With therapy and medications, I have stayed out of the hospital for almost 3 months, despite having bad paranoia and PTSD. I am moving forward in a lot of ways.

If you care about mental illness or people with it, please watch this video I found yesterday and share it with others. We have a voice and together, we can fight the stigmas.

Be Strong and Courageous

I went to the movies last night and I was paranoid. I saw a few people stick their tongues out at me. It might sound funny but it's really not. Paranoia and believing others are after you or talking behind your back is terrifying. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and I am honestly one step away from going to the hospital again because it's also triggering depression and my PTSD.

Today, I'm trying to avoid all confrontation with others by just staying at home. I want to avoid people in general, because I'm not paranoid if I'm not around people.

I have therapy on Monday and a psychiatry appointment on Tuesday so I am just trying to make it to those. 

I just want to get better. I wish all of this would go away.

My mom asked me a good question yesterday and it was "Where is God in all of this?"

I have to say that I have had to put my full trust in God through all of this. I have to believe that something good will come out of this chaos. That I will be able to move on without the paranoia or psychosis. What I'm going through is very confusing, but life in general is confusing. Life sometimes makes no sense and that's why we have to put our belief in God at the forefront.

I wouldn't be fighting this if I didn't believe in God, in something greater than myself, in something greater than my battles. He strengthens me. He helps me. He guides me. He restores me.

I want to end with a verse that I think of often when I am going through a lot.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
-Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

Want to be Normal Again

My paranoia and psychosis is really bad again. I see people sticking out their tongues or licking their lips everywhere I go and I think it's aimed at me. They look at me when they do it, so I know it's aimed at me. I don't know what I did to make them do it but I feel like someone spread a rumor about me.

My mom thinks that I'm hallucinating them sticking out their tongue, but her disbelief in my reality is just making things worse. It's making me question whether it's really happening and it's making me feel hopeless because I see them do it. I don't want to have hallucinations if that's what this is.

Point blank. I want to know if what's happening is real or not. And I want it to stop, because it's not funny if people are purposely making my paranoia worse. It's triggering my depression and making all my symptoms worse. I cry at several points during my day because it hurts. I've tried my best to avoid people in general.

I wish that more people knew that mental illness is not a joke. Yeah, I may do funny things but having mental illness can be devastating, especially when you have multiple illnesses. When I was in the hospital with psychosis a few months ago, I thought my oldest brother had faked his suicide and he was still alive. It took all of my strength when I realized that my oldest brother really is dead. My mind believed that he was alive.

I just really want this chaos in my mind to stop. I want my depression to go away. I want my flashbacks to go away. I want my paranoia to go away. I want to be "normal" again.

I'm trying my best to move forward in my life but there's still a lot holding me back. It's taking all of me to press on, but I know that things will get better. I have faith that they will.

Paranoid Thoughts

It's been 4 days since I started my new medication and increased the dose of my antipsychotic. Today, I had some mild paranoia.

Part of what has been aggravating my PTSD and schizophrenia is that I see people sticking out their tongues wherever I go. I don't know why they're doing it, but it makes me very uncomfortable. Seeing people do it increases my PTSD and paranoia. I wish it wasn't happening. My therapist and a few other people say I'm probably hypersensitive to people's facial expressions but I'm not sure.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, it is very hard not to act upon the paranoia. It takes all of me not to go up to someone and ask why they are making a face at me. 

A few weeks ago I made the mistake of doing that. I was walking down the street and a man made an odd face at me. When he got near to me, I asked him "Why are you making that face at me?" The man behind him came up to me and said, "Well that wasn't really a nice social interaction." I didn't mean to be rude to the man at all. It's just his facial expression made me feel very uncomfortable and I wanted to know why he was doing it at me. I thought it was directed at me, just as I believe people are sticking out their tongues at me. I know it sounds funny and I'm still not sure if it's my mental illness or not.

I wish that people knew more about mental illness and they didn't joke about it. Maybe I seem "crazy" at times, but I've been through a load of crap and I'm just trying to make it through this life. Mental illness is not funny. I spend my whole day everyday battling thoughts that people are after me to abuse me and kill me. I feel alone, misunderstood and it takes all of me not to give up. Living with multiple mental illnesses is one of the most difficult things I've ever been called to do.

Part of my journey is sharing it with others so they can understand what mental illness is like.

Even thought it's rough, I won't give up this fight for freedom from my mental illnesses. I wake up each day, knowing that each day is a struggle to get through. But I hold on to the promises that God has given. I want to stay in this fight.

I want to share a song that has been on replay on my iPhone these past few days. It is called We Won't Be Shaken by Building 429.

Whatever will come my way

Through fire or pouring rain

We won't be shaken

No we won't be shaken

Whatever tomorrow brings

Together we'll rise and sing

That we won't be shaken

My prayer is that no matter what you're going through, that you will cling to God through it, knowing that He is there for you, no matter what.

Settling For More

I want to share two quotes from a book I read a few months ago, Jesus, Lover of a Woman's Soul by Erwin and Rebecca Lutzer.

"The battle will rage but victory is possible through Jesus Christ our Lord."

"The past cannot be changed, but the power of the past can be diminished and broken."

I wanted to share these quotes because I know I am not the only one who feels like they're fighting a battle. For me, the battle that rages on inside my soul is my past. But others might be battling other illnesses, or things that hold us back from God. 

The battle for our lives can be won in Jesus. With Him, we do not have to worry about the future or where we are going next. We just need to trust...

God will take care of you. 
God loves you. 
God is there for you, especially when there is no other place to run.

How do I know?

Because I have been there.

I was there last week. 

I was terrified. My paranoia was skyrocketing. I was afraid of everybody. It got to the point that I considered going to the hospital. So I went to my doctor and got on a new medication. I had that appointment set up for about a month but God knew exactly when I needed that appointment.

It's been three days since I started my new medication and the paranoia has subsided. It's still there very weakly and I expect it to continue to go away as my body gets used to the new medication. Today was my first day at work without paranoia and it felt different. I almost got used to being paranoid.

The second quote speaks to the power that the past can have in our lives. The past cannot be changed, but sometimes it can take on so much power in our lives.

How do I know?

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to many years of abuse. I avoid certain things or places that remind me of the abuse. I even dropped a class in college because the professor reminded me of one of my abusers. Sometimes I live my life in a way that I try to not be reminded by my past, but then I end up being reminded of it even more. I deal with intrusive memories of the past, uncontrollable videos that run through my head at various points in my day.

I know that the power of my past can be broken, but right now I'm not sure it is. I'd say that its power is slowly diminishing. The past still haunts me through my PTSD. But every day, I feel stronger against my past. Every time I talk to someone about it, the past seems a little weaker and I feel stronger. There is something extremely empowering about talking about the abuse.

I believe that God does not call us to get used to living with our past having so much power over us or whatever it is that haunts us and keeps us from Him. He tells us "Don't get comfortable... I'm going to do something great in your life."

Don't settle for less...