The Incomprehensible Truth

The past few days have been very difficult, to be truly honest. I have had some hypervigilance and some points in my days in which I just completely started sobbing. Yesterday, before I went to the Good Friday service at my church, I spent half an hour in the shower weeping. As I weep, I feel a release of all of the burdens I have carried ever since I was a little child.

The mind and the brain are very interesting. Lately, I have felt that some people question my memories of growing up because of the fact that I had a psychotic breakdown a few weeks ago that led to my ninth hospitalization. But my memories are what led to that psychosis. Right before my hospitalization, I had flooding memories. Memories of nearly every part of my life, whether good or bad, just came into my mind and I could not stop it. The flooding was just uncontrollable. It was almost as if the neural networks in my brain were on overdrive.

As the memories came, I tried to piece them together, trying to make sense of them. Not all of them were new memories. As I tried to make sense of the memories, that was when the psychosis began.

When I was in the hospital, I thought that all of the other patients were people from all throughout my life. They even took on the voices of different people who have been in my life, people who I have not even talked to since I was a little child. Their voices were clear as day.

As I started to take the medications, the voices of the people throughout my life started to fade. The other patients and the doctors around me took on their normal voices and I “woke up.” I realized that they were not people from throughout my life. But the memories were still there and still are.

The reason I wanted to share this is because sometimes we want to know “why.” We want God to explain Himself, why He allowed very difficult things in our lives. If you watch the mass media after any disaster, they immediately try to figure out what happened and "why." As humans, I think that we always want answers, especially since so much information is available in our society. 

As my memories started flooding, I immediately wanted to explain everything. I wanted answers. I wanted the truth from lies that I have been told throughout my life. I wanted to know how all of those things could have happened to me for so long. I wanted to know why I felt like people were questioning the validity of my memories, which I have had my entire life.

But the more I asked those questions, the more I searched for the answers to “why,” the more psychotic I became. The more hypervigilant I was. The more other people questioned the validity of what my mind had pieced together with all of the memories.

Currently, I am still having a lot of memories. The other morning, I saw a picture from when I was in elementary school and the memories began flooding again. I still want the answers of “why.” Why was my family the way it was? How could all of that stuff happen to me? Where was God? Why did He not stop it? 

I still want to search for the truth. I still want justice to be served for the people who made my childhood and my life in general miserable at times. I want to know the truth, because I have been told many lies throughout my life, especially the last few years.

I read something very powerful the other day. Jesus even felt alone. He even felt what it was like to ask God where He was? Why did He not save Jesus on the cross?

"About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lemasabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”)" -Matthew 27:46 (NIV)

I think that even Jesus felt frustrated at God. At the darkest time in Jesus's life, God did not show up and take His son off the cross. He allowed His son to go through a miserable death on the cross.

The more I think about everything, the more I am coming to realize that the truth is something that I may never know. Never see. Never understand. Never fully comprehend. I do not know if I will ever know or be able to understand and explain everything that I have been through.

Because sometimes evil is incomprehensible.

The most important truth is that I am God’s child, as we all are. The truth is that we are unconditionally loved by our Creator, even when we do not trust others on this earth to love us. When God says that He loves us, He truly means it. He means it in a way that I do not think anybody could mean when they say “I love you.”

When God says that he loves me, it is usually through nature. Every time I see a sunrise or a sunset, I hear Him say “I love you.” I do not actually hear a voice, but He speaks through the beauty of the clouds. He speaks through the beauty of a butterfly flying around me. He speaks through the beauty of a white bird coming to sit by me at the lake. That is how He chooses to comfort me throughout this difficult time.

Through nature, He says to me “I am with you through this storm. I will get you through this. Keep trusting me.”

I wanted to leave this post with a song that really has helped me in many ways, especially through this time of grieving my childhood and realizing some things about my past which I have either denied or kept in for most of my life.

At the most difficult times in our lives, I believe that we truly are called to “Cry Out to Jesus.” When others do not have the words to say to us in order to comfort us, He always has the words to comfort. He is the ultimate Comforter. The ultimate Healer. The ultimate Transformer.

Walking Through the Valley Unafraid

I am going to admit it.

This life is difficult and we will face challenges.

The past two days, I have been very hypervigilant, particularly in the afternoon. Very jumpy. I jump at the slightest clap or loud noise.

But the greatest thing is that I was able to control my hypervigilance for the first time yesterday. I stopped it before it became a bigger issue.

How?

I reminded myself that God was with me. I said Psalm 23 over and over in my head. Whenever I’ve been having flashbacks lately, I have been reminding myself that God is there and He will never let me go, never leave me, never abandon me.

As I’ve mentioned before in previous posts, I grew up in a very difficult family situation. I grew up knowing almost every police officer. I grew up hearing “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.” I grew up watching my family being torn apart by violence. Threats. Punching walls. Stealing to pay for drugs. You name it, I saw it.

Part of my hypervigilance comes from not being understood or believed. This stems from feeling alone my entire life. I felt like nobody had my back, except for God.

I clung to Scripture because it has always given me so much hope, even in the darkest times in my life. When I felt alone, when I cried myself to sleep, I clung to the hope found in the Bible. I clung to the hope that there really is a God who loves me and my pastors at my church were really telling the truth. I decorated my room with Scripture. I read my Bible day and night as a teenager. I even gave a children’s sermon at my church on Youth Sunday. I went to church when nobody else in my family wanted to go.

Why?

Because there is so much power in God, Christ and the Holy Spirit. There is so much grace and mercy found in Jesus.

I broke down this morning. I was praying at church during a 24 hour prayer time as I looked up at a cross. It really spoke to me. Christ humbled himself and suffered for all of us. There is so much power in that. I do not know if I can really get it across in a blog post how truly magnificent and powerful that is. God loved us so much that He sacrificed His son.

Through my anxiety and the different issues I deal with on a daily basis, much of which is a result of my upbringing, I realize that we are truly never alone. No matter how alone you feel, no matter how dark your life feels, no matter how bad you think you cannot go on any longer, know that there is a God who loves you unconditionally. No matter what you’ve done or not done.

And he understands you…

I wrote this poem a few years ago when I felt very misunderstood.

I am

Was

Will be

Misunderstood

The pain

No one understands

The tears

No one understands

The fear

No one understands

The nightmares

No one understands

The flashbacks

No one understands

Reliving day after day

What made me

Different

What made me feel

weird

disgusting

Misunderstood

No one understands

But God

I can say all I want about God, but honestly I do not know everything about Him. What I have said in this blog comes from years and years of studying the Bible, listening to sermons, attending and leading Bible studies and just being in the presence of God.

But His Word, His truth, His strength, and His presence in my life is what has carried me this far.

It honestly is not by my strength. Yes, I’ve worked hard to get to where I am. But God has continually saved my life, literally. He has been and always will be the only stable thing in my life.

When all else fails, He understands, He cares, He loves, He forgives, and most importantly, He helps me continue to move forward.

And He does the same for you.

“If God be for us, who can be against us?” –Romans 8:31 (KJV)

No matter what you’re going through, I hope you know that you can continue to fight, knowing that God is with you every step of the way.

There have been many songs on my playlist that have been on replay, specifically about overcoming fear so I wanted to share one of my favorites: Unafraid by Joy Williams

Faith in the Storm

“Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.” 

–Matthew 16:24 (KJV)

As I continue to open up about my faith and the obstacles that I have had to face to get to where I am now, I have faced a lot of opposition. Lately, it feels like people, especially those who do not believe in God, are questioning everything I talk about regarding my faith.

I have talked to friends from all different faiths throughout my life, because I do not believe in blindly following something, especially someone or something I cannot see. I also love to learn more about different cultures and how different people live.

Many people think that once you surrender your life to God, your life will all of a sudden become super easy. Money will start pouring in from nowhere. Success will be yours.

However, as someone who has believed in God throughout my entire life, I can say that I feel like sometimes the struggles become greater when you surrender to God.

I believe that it’s not because He’s a terrible God. I actually think it’s because He knows what He is doing, even when it seems like He doesn't. I completely believe that He gives us challenges to mold us into who He wants and needs us to be. I want to share some of my favorite Bible passages that speak about how God works in our lives through the obstacles we face.

“Count it all joy, my brethren, when ye fall into various temptations, knowing that the proving of your faith works endurance. But let endurance have [its] perfect work, that ye may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” 

–James 1:2-4 (Darby)

“Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ” 

-1 Peter 1:6-7 (KJV)

“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” 

-2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (KJV)

“we also boast in tribulations, knowing that tribulation works endurance; and endurance, experience; and experience, hope; and hope does not make ashamed, because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by [the] Holy Spirit which has been given to us.” 

–Romans 5:3-5 (Darby)

God does not promise us an easy life. Jesus did not have an easy life either. He was persecuted, mocked, ignored, ridiculed, tested, bruised, broken and murdered so that we could be free. He was betrayed by one of his followers, Judas. He loved everyone, even those who hurt him deeply.

I believe that God allows certain things to happen in our lives and some of those things are evil because we live in a broken world. However, God helps us to get through the challenges and obstacles. He gives us everything we need to get through them, especially the strength that only comes from Him.

I would not be here without His strength in my life. I would not be typing this blog post. It is only by His strength that I wake up each morning and fight through another day, even when it feels like I have no strength left.

Through the challenges, we grow and learn so much more than if we had not gone through those challenges. As we go through the painful moments, sometimes it is so difficult to see what God is going to do through the storms. But He is always with us, especially in the storms of life. We never are alone.

It takes faith in the storms to keep going, to believe that a better day is on its way.

Ultimately, we know that good will overcome and be triumphant. Jesus conquered sin, death and evil on the cross. No matter how many evil things happen in our lives, we know that good will win. 

Because it already has.

With our faith, there is nothing that we cannot do.

Walked Among Us

"But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;

the punishment that brought us peace was on him,

    and by his wounds we are healed."

-Isaiah 53:5 (NIV)

How powerful are these words?

As I read these words earlier today, I was overcome with a feeling of understanding of this passage that I have read so many times that I have never felt before. During this season of Lent, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on Jesus and His death and resurrection.

As someone who has both sinned and been sinned against in awful ways, it is so powerful to think that a man, God in flesh, died so that I could be forgiven. That all of us could be forgiven.  I often struggled with this idea when I was in college learning about science and engineering.

I often thought to myself, How could one man die for all of our sins, every single person on earth, in the past, in the present and in the future? How is that physically possible? How can I mentally wrap my head around that?

Through my doubts and questions about this most important concept in Christianity, I have come to believe that we are not actually meant to fully understand it. God is not to be fully understood in this lifetime.

As it says in 2 Corinthians 5:7, "We walk by faith, not by sight."

Faith is something intangible and so is forgiveness. We surely can see forgiveness played out in our lives and the lives of those around us, but forgiveness in itself is intangible.

And what I do know is that forgiveness for our sins as well as those of the people around us is a very powerful thing.

After eating lunch with my mom earlier today, she and I sat and we started discussing a book that I had finished reading last week that she had just started reading. The conversation became very serious but it was one of the most healing conversations we have ever had. I asked some really difficult questions that I have held in my heart, mind and soul for so long. She knows that I still carry some anger towards her and in my own way, I am slowly coming to terms with the obstacles I have faced. I also am finding that God is using every opportunity to help me forgive those who have hurt me as well as forgive myself. As we spoke and then prayed, I felt like a huge weight came off my shoulders. My mom and I cried with each other. But this was different. The tears were not of pain as much as they were tears of relief. I will never fully understand my childhood and all the challenges I faced as I grew up and still struggle with today.

There are so many questions that flow through our minds all the time that most likely will not get answered during our lifetime. However, we have the opportunity to believe that we are forgiven and that God can help us to forgive those who have hurt us deeply. He can also help us forgive ourselves.

I often find that it is more challenging to forgive myself than to forgive others. It's easier for me to make excuses for others than myself. The truth is that we all are forgiven by God and He yearns to show His grace and mercy in our lives.

No matter what sins you have committed or what sins were committed against you, I hope that you realize the power in the words above. Jesus came to live among us, to fully understand our temptations to sin, and to be crushed, mocked, beaten, abused, laughed at, and ultimately killed so that we would know that he understands our struggles.

It is so powerful to have a God who is so close to us, not just some man in the sky. God is so much more than that. He is both distant and near. It is so powerful to have a God who relates to us on so many levels. He could have come down to earth and lived a perfect life and died a natural death.

But He didn't.

He walked among us and He walks with us each day. He is within us through the Holy Spirit. He is all around us. He is in the people around us.

We all have pain. We all have struggles. It does not matter who or what you believe in. We all have obstacles that we have to deal with and overcome during our lifetime.

I forget where I saw this but I recently read that there is absolutely nothing that we are faced with in this world that Jesus did not go through or that He cannot relate to. That, to me, is so powerful. So wonderful. So amazing. We serve a real, authentic and genuine God. 

Personally, it feels so good to know that God truly and deeply knows what I am going through. He is all-powerful and all-knowing, yet He cares about us so much that He hurts deeply for us when we are in pain. God did not just create human beings. He knows what it is like to be a human being.

Through the struggles and obstacles you face, I hope that you never forget that no matter how alone you feel, we are never alone in the fight.

I want to end this post with a song that I listened to hundreds of times as a teenager when I felt alone when I was being neglected. The words of this song are so powerful and I pray and hope you are as blessed as I have been by this song.