A Letter to the Abused

This is a letter I wrote while in the hospital.

To those who have been abused,

I have been where you are. I have felt the despair of being made to feel inferior, used and demeaned. Trust me when I say that I have felt the great depths of the human condition. I have felt great pain but I have also felt the great heights of God's unconditional love.

You are loved. You are cherished by a power greater than yourself or I could ever be. I can tell you that this life is worth more than gold and it is worth more than what you have been through. I can tell you that you do not have to forgive, for forgiveness should never be forced. I highly encourage you to forgive though.

People are not meant or made to be abused. We were made for true agape, unconditional love- a love that knows no bounds and is there at all times.

You are deeply cared for. There are really good people out there who will love you no matter what. There are people out there who will treat you in the way you deserve to. I am one of them. I have been abused very severely and yet I know that love. I know and understand a deep love that is not sexual but rather loves without condition. A love that looks beyond mistakes and darkness. A love that drives out hate, as Dr Martin Luther King Jr. spoke of.

Hate has no place in this world. Only love can transform this world in a way that is unimaginable and beyond that which we can ever speak of or think of. Anger has a place in this world as well but forgiveness is worth so much more. Forgiveness can transform our hearts in unimaginable ways. It feels very good to release the anger that find a place in our hearts.

Release that fear and anger. It is not correct to create fear in this world. Release the fear that drives hate and anger. Release all the tension of what you have been through.

I say that I do not want people to pity me about what I have been through because pity does not get me anywhere. It is just pity. I find great strength in helping others and healing people who have been through what I have been through. I find strength in transforming the world with what little I have. To know that I have made a difference in another person's life helps all the mistakes and all the evil in my life worth it. It makes my life meaningful.

I am sorry for what you have been through. You did not deserve it. You are stronger than the circumstances you have found yourself in. You are more than the evil. You are a great person who was born todo something with your life. You do not have to change the world. All you have to do is change the world for one person. If I've met you, you've made a difference in the world because you helped me to transform the world. Please take this life seriously because you only have one. Make the most of it.

You are deeply loved. Deeply cherished for being you. You are a beautiful child of God. You are to be respected. You are wanted, needed and accepted for you. You have a place in this world. You are to be loved in an appropriate manner. You are not to be used or disrespected. You are wonderful. You are a beautiful being with feelings, emotions and behaviors. You are not an object. You are to be loved and cherished from the moment you are born to the moment you take your last breath. We all make mistakes but know that I love you.

Love,
Chelsea Kowal (Mother Chelsea)

Every Twist and Every Turn

In the past two days, I realized how far I have come emotionally and mentally. Last semester was full of unexpected twists and turns and hospitalizations. I feel as if I am on such a better level than I was last semester. It feels like a fog has lifted. I know all of that is behind me and I am ready to step into the future God has planned for me.

I have some great news too!

My PTSD and paranoia seem to be much better in the past few days. I had less flashbacks, actually significantly less. In fact, the number of flashbacks I'm having each day is in the single digits, something that hasn't happened in probably over a year. Yesterday, I only had 5!

Yesterday, I was on my way to therapy when the song "Not For a Moment" by Meredith Andrews came on. I heard it once again last night in worship at my church. As I listened to the words, it really spoke to me about how good, gracious and merciful our God really is. It hit me how great God has been in my life and how I need to be grateful to Him for everything that's happened.

The chorus goes like this:

After all You are constant

After all You are only good

After all You are sovereign

Not for a moment will You forsake me

God is constant.

In this life, we may encounter ups and downs. In fact, we are almost guaranteed to. Last semester, I had four hospitalizations. I thought the road to recovery was impossible and yet, in a few days, I will celebrate five months without a hospitalization. Though our time here on earth may be full of turmoil, we can have faith that God never changes. He is constant. His love is always there for us. His peace is always there for us.

God is only good.

We also are bound to encounter evil things on this earth, but God is not a part of those things. He is purely good. Being good, He can change the negative things we go through for good. I grew a lot last semester having gone through so many difficulties. I had to lean on God more than ever before and in a different way than ever before, so my relationship with Him grew. I spent a lot of time with Him at the lake, growing in my faith every step of the way.

God is sovereign.

God rules over this earth. He is the divine Ruler. He is a just God. I feel like we shouldn't have any worries, knowing how powerful God is. Our lives are ultimately in His hands and He has great and wonderful plans for each of us.

Not for a moment will God forsake us.

Even though the roads in our lives may have a lot of twists and turns, God never leaves us. He is with us every step of the way, every twist and every turn. Step by step, day by day.

Praise Him in the Hallway

I came across a quote on Facebook this morning that really resonated with me.

"Until God opens the next door, praise him in the hallway."

How true is that?

Sometimes I feel so confused about my future, not sure of what will come next. Currently, I am going into my last semester of graduate school (for now at least) and I am not sure where God will lead me next. I know that at any point, my mental illnesses can worsen. I don't know how difficult next semester will be.

But no matter what, no matter where we are in this life, we must praise God.

Someone recently mentioned to me how amazing it is that I have not lost my faith through all of the battles I've gone through.

To me, there's no other choice.

Without my faith, I would not be fighting.

We need to praise God in every place we are in life. He created us. He gives us the strength we need to keep going. I would not be the strong person I am without God's strength in me.

I believe that faith is born in our moments of confusion, despair, doubt, fear and desperation.

It's in those moments when God's strength comes into us and we are able to do the impossible.

Through Him, we can conquer anything. Through Him, we are able to press on. Through Him, we can find hope in the hopeless. Through Him, we can find light in the darkness.

Be Strong and Courageous

I went to the movies last night and I was paranoid. I saw a few people stick their tongues out at me. It might sound funny but it's really not. Paranoia and believing others are after you or talking behind your back is terrifying. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and I am honestly one step away from going to the hospital again because it's also triggering depression and my PTSD.

Today, I'm trying to avoid all confrontation with others by just staying at home. I want to avoid people in general, because I'm not paranoid if I'm not around people.

I have therapy on Monday and a psychiatry appointment on Tuesday so I am just trying to make it to those. 

I just want to get better. I wish all of this would go away.

My mom asked me a good question yesterday and it was "Where is God in all of this?"

I have to say that I have had to put my full trust in God through all of this. I have to believe that something good will come out of this chaos. That I will be able to move on without the paranoia or psychosis. What I'm going through is very confusing, but life in general is confusing. Life sometimes makes no sense and that's why we have to put our belief in God at the forefront.

I wouldn't be fighting this if I didn't believe in God, in something greater than myself, in something greater than my battles. He strengthens me. He helps me. He guides me. He restores me.

I want to end with a verse that I think of often when I am going through a lot.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
-Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

Settling For More

I want to share two quotes from a book I read a few months ago, Jesus, Lover of a Woman's Soul by Erwin and Rebecca Lutzer.

"The battle will rage but victory is possible through Jesus Christ our Lord."

"The past cannot be changed, but the power of the past can be diminished and broken."

I wanted to share these quotes because I know I am not the only one who feels like they're fighting a battle. For me, the battle that rages on inside my soul is my past. But others might be battling other illnesses, or things that hold us back from God. 

The battle for our lives can be won in Jesus. With Him, we do not have to worry about the future or where we are going next. We just need to trust...

God will take care of you. 
God loves you. 
God is there for you, especially when there is no other place to run.

How do I know?

Because I have been there.

I was there last week. 

I was terrified. My paranoia was skyrocketing. I was afraid of everybody. It got to the point that I considered going to the hospital. So I went to my doctor and got on a new medication. I had that appointment set up for about a month but God knew exactly when I needed that appointment.

It's been three days since I started my new medication and the paranoia has subsided. It's still there very weakly and I expect it to continue to go away as my body gets used to the new medication. Today was my first day at work without paranoia and it felt different. I almost got used to being paranoid.

The second quote speaks to the power that the past can have in our lives. The past cannot be changed, but sometimes it can take on so much power in our lives.

How do I know?

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to many years of abuse. I avoid certain things or places that remind me of the abuse. I even dropped a class in college because the professor reminded me of one of my abusers. Sometimes I live my life in a way that I try to not be reminded by my past, but then I end up being reminded of it even more. I deal with intrusive memories of the past, uncontrollable videos that run through my head at various points in my day.

I know that the power of my past can be broken, but right now I'm not sure it is. I'd say that its power is slowly diminishing. The past still haunts me through my PTSD. But every day, I feel stronger against my past. Every time I talk to someone about it, the past seems a little weaker and I feel stronger. There is something extremely empowering about talking about the abuse.

I believe that God does not call us to get used to living with our past having so much power over us or whatever it is that haunts us and keeps us from Him. He tells us "Don't get comfortable... I'm going to do something great in your life."

Don't settle for less...

Run Forrest Run

For some reason I was reminded of a scene in the movie Forrest Gump and I cannot get it out of my head. The scene occurs where his friend tells Forrest to run with his braces on and he runs. She yells "Run, Forrest. Run." He continues to run, with his braces falling off. He does the seemingly impossible. I tried to find the scene on Youtube but due to copyright infringement, I couldn't find a video. If you haven't seen the movie, I highly recommend it. Who hasn't seen it? It's a classic.

My mom sent me some stuff a few weeks ago, including a devotional called Streams In The Desert by L. B. Cowman. I wanted to share something from today's reading.

"There may be a great work occurring in your life when things seem their darkest. You may see no evidence yet, but God is at work."
-L. B. Cowman

As I look back in the past few months, I know that God has been at work. The past few months have been some of the most difficult months in my life. I felt like nobody believed my symptoms. I felt alone. I felt misunderstood. I was frustrated. I couldn't see how I would get through or that everything would get better. I saw no clear path to the future. Many people did not know how to help me.

I do believe that God works miracles in the darkest times in our lives.

I am grateful for the miracles that God has performed in my life and that He has strengthened me through the storms.

I want to share another quote from the devotional reading yesterday.

"Gently rebuking His disciples, Christ asked, 'Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?' (v. 40). In effect, He was saying 'Why didn't you face the storm victoriously and shout to the raging winds and rolling waves, 'You cannot harm us, for Christ, the mighty Savior, is on board'?"
-L.B. Cowman

That's the kind of faith that I want and that I feel we are called to live. The type of faith that is so confident in the midst of storms, knowing that God is at work and that He has us in the palm of His hands. The type of faith that no matter what happens, we can say that Christ is in our lives. The type of faith that is not shaken by the storms of life.

I want to live out that kind of faith. A faith that yells at the storms, the challenges and the raging winds, saying that I will continue to run this race that God has put before me.

I want to run like Forrest.

Unseen Blessings

“The true transformation in the journey [through trauma] comes when you see the amazing beauty of the place you’ve been trapped.”

-Laurence Gonzales, Surviving Survival

I just began reading Surviving Survival yesterday. Through telling various stories of survival, Gonzales explains the neuroscience behind trauma and the recovery from traumatic experiences. As someone who has studied neuroscience and has also lived through many traumatic experiences myself, this book has been an interesting read so far.

It has made me wonder, What makes us humans resilient?

To me, resilience is all about attitude. It is about how you see yourself and the life you are leading. Though I have spent some time being depressed about my past and some of the things I have gone through, overall I have a very positive outlook at life. I do not ever wish that anybody would have to go through what I have gone through, but I feel greatly blessed to have gone through so many challenges.

Why?

Because it was exactly in those times, the deep, dark traumatic experiences in my life that I found out about God. The deeper I have gone, the more apparent the love of God has been in my life. The more challenging the storm, the greater I saw God’s wings lifting me up. The more grace and mercy I have felt. The more joy I have felt. The darker things are, the more visible the light becomes. Just go out and stargaze and you’ll see what I mean. The longer you are in the darkness, the more stars become visible.

Having been homeless reminds me how lucky I am to have my own apartment. Having been abused reminds me how lucky I am to have survived and how blessed I am to have people around me who do care and would not harm me. The greater the victory is when I learn to trust someone. Because I was abused, I have a lot of empathy for those who feel unloved, ignored and forgotten.

It is exactly the “disasters” in my life that are the truest blessings. Often, when I went through the struggles, I did not see or feel the blessings. Sometimes I did. However, looking back on everything that I have been through, God is so evident and the blessings are beyond comprehension.

I received my grades for last semester early this morning. To tell you the truth, I was nervous. Everyone at the hospital told me to withdraw from the semester since I had been hospitalized four times and missed over a month of classes. But they did not know that every time I got out of the hospital, I got caught up with all of the work. I did all of the assignments that were due. Towards the end of the semester, I worked even harder, to make sure that my final papers were great. After receiving my grades, I was very excited because I knew I had made it through the most difficult semester in my life. I truly survived this semester and thrived as well. No matter how many people told me I could not finish the semester successfully or that I would fail, I took what they said with a grain of salt and did my work. I worked even harder to prove the naysayers wrong. And I was successful.

To me, this life is all about attitude. Storms are bound to happen, but you have a choice to make. Get caught up in the storm or move forward and through the storm.

The challenges I have been through in my life have molded me and shaped me into who I am today and I am extremely grateful for that. Even though life is still a day to day struggle, I am so grateful for life and that I am still here. I strive to make a difference in the world every single day. To me, there is no other choice. I feel like I’m on borrowed time since I have had so many moments when I nearly lost my life. I wake up each morning, ready to greet the day because I know that I will make it through the day. I know how much each day truly is a blessing. Each new day is a chance to bless others and be blessed by learning more about who God is.

I feel so lucky to still be living, no matter how difficult life becomes, because I know God will carry me through anything that comes my way. I know, because He has gotten me through the unthinkable, the unspeakable.

He can carry each of us through our storms…

The A-maze-ing Life

“The deeper the darkness… the greater we’ll value the light when it returns.”

-Cecil Murphey, Seeking God’s Hidden Face

As I walked around campus a few days ago, I was overjoyed as I saw graduates with their caps and gowns. It brought me right back to my own college graduation last May. I felt the overwhelming joy again, knowing that I graduated at the top of my class. I DID IT!,  I thought to myself last year. I made it!

Graduation is always a special time because school is not easy. Neither is life. When I graduated, I became the first person in my family to graduate. I graduated with honors. I received numerous awards and graduated in the Honors Program.

College for me was not easy. I was hospitalized four times throughout my four and a half years in college (including a ten month medical leave after a serious suicide attempt). But I made it through, with the support and encouragement of many people. It has always been easier for me to focus on integrals and derivatives (yes, I'm an engineer) than focusing on the fact that my brother was in and out of hospitals or that my father was sending me harassing emails. School was my escape and I have always been good at it. It’s where I found my success. It's where I found my key to the freedom I always desired. The key to break the cycle of drug and alcohol abuse in my family.

The reason I’m talking about all of this is that I want to focus on the joy that I felt at graduation. When we go through difficult times in this life, when things look dark, the brighter the joy becomes that we feel when we overcome those difficulties. My joy during my graduation was hard to contain. When we spend a lot of time in the darkness, in those deep, dark times in our lives, the light of God that shines in our darkness becomes much brighter.

“In the waiting God had been quietly, secretly shaping and changing me. I was already being molded, remolded, and remade by the paths through which the Spirit led me.”

-Cecil Murphey, Seeking God’s Hidden Face

I do not know where God is going to lead me. I still am in kind of a waiting period because I am waiting to figure out my financial aid situation in order to complete my Master’s. I am continually praying to God to show me what He wants me to do and where He wants me to go once I hopefully graduate next May.

This made me think of an activity that my reverend made us do in youth group once. There was a mat on the floor with a maze. We had little toy cars that went all through the maze. We are those little toy cars. All we can see is our past and our present but our future remains largely a mystery. But from up above, we see the whole picture. We see the beginning from the end. And that is what God sees. God looks down on our maze and sees an intricately designed masterpiece, with all of its twists and turns adding up to a life worth living. God gives meaning and purpose to our lives, if we let Him guide us.

We may not know what God is doing in our lives or where we are going to go next, but we have faith that God will carry us through and that He has a beautiful plan set up for us. When I get nervous about the future, I remind myself of all that God has brought me through. He has used everything in my past to shape me and mold me into who He wants me to be. I thank Him for the challenging times because I would not be who I am if I had not had to go through them.

No Matter What

I was listening to a Christian radio station this morning and a song that I have heard hundreds of times came on. You know how sometimes you listen to a song so many times that you listen “blindly”? You no longer listen to the lyrics and the song kind of becomes a background noise?

Well, this time I attentively listened to the lyrics and they really spoke to me.

No matter what, I’m gonna love You

No matter what, I’m gonna need You

I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain

But it not, if not, I’ll trust You

-Kerrie Roberts, No Matter What lyrics

I went outside this morning for a walk and it was still raining out and I started thinking more about the storms in our lives.

When storms come our way, we have a tremendous choice that we need to make. 

We can dwell in the pain, dwell in our sadness, disappointment, frustration and anger. Or we can get up and face another day. We can go through the anger and the frustration but we can praise God at the same time, knowing that He has a greater plan for us. The storms in our lives are temporary and with God’s strength, we can get up and go through our storms.

At one of the lowest points in my life, I attempted to take my life. I believed that because of all the struggles I had gone through and was going through at the time, there was no way that I could continue living. I felt like a huge burden to those around me. I thought I would never be able to function in society or make a difference in the world.

I woke up in the hospital with a broken back. Not only did the police say it was a miracle I was still alive, but the doctors who treated me could not believe that I could walk. I remember being fitted for a body brace. A few of my vertebrae in my spine had burst fractures. I remember all I wanted to do was get up and walk around the hospital. I walked two days after entering the hospital and I remember my mother telling me that my uncle heard that I walked and he got on his knees and wept. As I walked around the hospital, one of the nurses said, "Well, look who's up and walking." Nothing could keep me from walking around that hospital, even an IV stuck in my arm. Even though it had been a few days since my attempt, I wanted to get up and face the day.

I was forced to take a 10 month medical leave from school. I went back home with my family and I entered an intensive outpatient program (IOP). I was still wearing my body brace, which I had to wear for 3 months. One of the other patients in the IOP told me that she did not know how I found the strength to wake up every morning and put the back brace and show up at the IOP. To me, there was no choice. I had to get up. I wanted to get better. God had saved my life in a big way and the least I could do was show up for my treatment.

And the minute I got home from my doctor's office at the 3 month followup scan for my back, I took my brace off and went for a run. Earlier this year, I was training for a half marathon and I was running 6 minute miles.

Needless to say, when people say that something is impossible, I want to say "Just let me and God show you how possible it really is."

Sometimes in life we hit rock bottom. Sometimes we do not know what our next move is. But we keep trusting God. We have faith that He will continue to work in our lives. We know He holds our lives in His precious hands and He will always be there for us. We know that with His strength, we can get up and face the day.

God worked in my life in tremendous ways since my attempt and I have come a long way. Every morning when I put on my body brace for those 3 months, I thought of it as putting on the armor of God. The body brace looked like a breastplate. During the time after my attempt, He spoke to me in many ways. He spoke to me in so many ways that often I was overwhelmed. I learned more about who He was and is. I watched sermons. I read books. I fell in love again with God. He not only helped me survive but He has helped me to walk forward after more struggles have come my way since then. No storm is too big for him. No problem I face is too scary for Him.

He can overcome anything and through His strength, I am not overwhelmed by the storms.

No matter what, I will praise Him. No matter what, we get up and face each day.

Meaning in the Darkness

“I realized that my sorrow gave me the opportunity to know him with a depth I had not experienced before, in a way I could not have known him without going through deep sorrow myself… It’s in our suffering that we can truly begin to identify with his. We can finally get a tiny taste of what he was willing to endure out of his love for us.”

-Nancy Guthrie, Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow

As I read this last night, it occurred to me that this was different than how I’ve looked at my sorrow and that of Jesus. I always looked at Jesus’s suffering as him coming down to earth to understand my suffering.

But as I read this, I was overwhelmed with a profound understanding that switched what I had thought.

As we go through difficulties, hardships, and struggles in this life, I do not believe that it is God punishing us. Rather, I believe that through those difficulties, we understand what Jesus went through in order to save us. In order to heal us. In order to restore us. It is in our suffering that we come to know Jesus in a much deeper way than we ever could without going through those tough times.

I grew up in extremely bad situations, having been abused, teased, and neglected for many years. But throughout those times, I kept hoping. Though I still face various difficulties today, such as the loss of my job a few weeks ago, I still have that hope. In fact, that hope has grown…

A few months ago, I was walking around campus on the phone. At the time, I was stuttering and I had uncontrollable arm spasms. With tears running down my face, I talked to my brother, telling him that the dystonic reaction was back. "Oh, no," I heard him say. I heard terror in his voice. There were other students walking around me, and some were laughing at me. I did not understand how they could laugh at me.

I wrote on my Facebook. "People are laughing at me, mocking me, doubting me, and making fun of me. I forgive them, because that's what we do to God and He forgives us."

It was through my physical illness that I gained a deeper insight into how Jesus felt when He was betrayed, mocked and murdered on our behalf.

I feel as though the more difficulties I go through and continue to endure, the closer I become to God and the less my dire circumstances get me down. When I lost my job, I was disappointed but only for a little bit. I became so excited for what God has planned for me.  I have a deep sense of hope that God will get me through everything in the future and that everything will fall into place.

Why?

Because God got me through tremendously awful, unspeakable stuff in the past and He will continue to get me through stuff in the present and the future. Our God is one who never leaves us and who goes with us wherever we go.

I have asked the questions, “Why is this happening, Lord? Haven’t I had enough?” But God answers when He helps me through the difficult times. He says that there is a greater purpose for my suffering. No matter what comes my way, no matter how difficult it seems, no matter how horrible it looks, He will help me, guide me, protect me, and go with me. His grace will shine through.

"Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?"

-Job 2:10 (KJV)

We no doubt will face difficulties in this life, but as Romans 8:28 says, God can use the difficulties in ways that we never could imagine. We need to accept those times that challenge us.

It is through those difficult circumstances that I have had to face throughout my life and to this day that I have learned to rely on His strength, His courage, and His tenacity to get through each day. 

It is in those difficulties that I have seen who God really is. He is not a distant God who allows bad things to happen in my life to punish me or to not care. He is a God who has led me to great places and has held me during the rough times when I have cried. He was there when I was abused, teased, neglected and homeless. He was there when I was recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. He was there when I had no family to rely on. He has continually told me throughout my obstacles just how much He loves me.

He has used the obstacles in my life for a deeper purpose and He continues to.

If you do not believe me, please read this true story that I wrote which was published about how God helped me use my story to save someone from committing suicide.

He understands what each of us are going through, and through our obstacles, we understand what He did in order to die for us.

He loves each of us. He wants to restore us. He wants to renew us. He wants to refresh us.

And sometimes that means walking through difficult times… But never ever forget how much He loves you and that He will never leave you.

Always Keep Ya Head Up

As I sat in my chair at church this morning, I listened to my pastor ask important questions that made me think. The sermon was about how God creates new things; not only by creating new things, but also by renewing old things. I feel deeply that in the past few months, God has renewed me in a mighty way. He has helped me to understand who I am on a deeper level.

 “In love I am blessed, chosen, adopted, favored, redeemed and forgiven.”

-Beth Moore, Believing God

To me, these are not just cute or nice little words on a page of a book I’m currently reading. They are real in my life and they are becoming more real each and every day as I draw closer to God. The truth in those words is being revealed every second.

They are true for you as well.

I have often struggled with a kind of dichotomous view of myself. On one hand, I am a very successful person who has overcome tremendous odds to get to where I am. I believe I am strong and brave. But on the other hand, I feel intensely ashamed, alone, and frightened, as I relive past traumatic experiences on a daily basis through flashbacks due to PTSD.

Having PTSD is like a roller coaster ride. One minute, I'm with friends, happily talking and then the next minute, I'm back there, fighting for my life, holding back the tears. Needless, to say, it has taken a lot of strength and courage to get to where I am. Lately, I have been reminding myself after flashbacks that I am strong and brave.

No matter what others say to you, no matter what others do to you, you and I are still God’s children and we are part of a greater family. We should never forget who we are in Him; that we are His beautiful children.

No matter what happens in this life, we never lose our worth in God’s eyes.

Even if you’ve been abused for years.

Even if you’ve been neglected for years.

Even if you’ve been homeless.

Even if you’ve lost people close to you.

Even if you’ve had people call you stupid.

Even if you’ve had people tease you.

Even if you’ve had people tell you that you’re not going to get anywhere in life.

All of those things have happened to me. I can honestly say that I have struggled to find my identity in Christ, especially when I think about what others have done and said to me. But each day, I am getting closer to the truth of who I am in Christ. I am not a victim in His eyes. I am a survivor because He carried me through everything. I have nothing to be ashamed of because He has forgiven me. He is the reason I am still here and He gives me the courage to move forward.

He wants to restore us. He wants to forgive us. He wants to help us move forward.

I want to leave you with a song that has given me a lot of strength since the first time I heard it. I can relate to this song on so many levels. It talks about the fact that sometimes our family hurts us or is not there for us and it takes many people to raise a child. As a teenager, trying to get into foster care, I often wondered what family was. I struggled to understand who I was through all the turmoil in my family. I had never known what it is like to have a family that was not in turmoil. I was told by a few people that I had to make my own family with those around me, since my real family was not there for me. Everywhere that I have moved, I continue to make a family with those around me. And along the journey, I try to continually figure out who I am within the family of God and who I am in Christ.

But one thing is for sure...

I am one of God's children.

Traveling Along the Trail of Life Through Nature

This morning, I successfully completed the Spring term of my first year in graduate school. This was no small feat due to four hospitalizations, bouts of dystonic spasms and stuttering, psychotic episodes, an episode of catatonia and being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and PTSD. The obstacles that I faced this semester were beyond difficult. It is a great relief to know that I have finished for the year.

In order to celebrate the completion of this semester, I went to the lake.

As you can see, today is a beautiful day at the lake.

After being at the lake for awhile, I decided to go on nature walks by the museum, something I have wanted to do all semester. I decided to be adventurous and walk the trails without a map so that I could get the full feel of not knowing where I was going and just to enjoy walking through nature.

As I walked, I realized how much walking through the nature trails is like life in general. So I decided to take photos during my walk to capture what the trails were teaching me.

Sometimes in life, we look beyond 

and we wonder how we will get through the obstacles in our way...

Sometimes we struggle to distinguish the path we should take from our surroundings 

and this creates confusion.

Sometimes we look ahead and our future looks bright,

but there still is something right in front of us that looks like a roadblock.

Sometimes we can see the path we should take,

but it looks like our surroundings are going to cave in on us,

like our life is going to fall apart.

We look ahead and the path looks very windy,

and we do not know when the next twist or turn in our life will occur,

but we continue to walk forward.

Sometimes in life, we look ahead

and it looks like we've gotten off the path,

so we step back onto the path and keep walking.

Sometimes our life looks very crooked,

maybe we said or did the wrong thing

and now everything looks chaotic and tilted.

Sometimes in life, a fog causes our view of the path to be blurry.

We do not know where to go, who to turn to, what to do,

but we continue to move forward,

attempting to alleviate the blurriness and confusion.

When we get past the point of confusion,

we realize that we are on a clear path,

still with its twists and turns,

but we bravely keep walking forward.

We keep walking and then we see a future bend in the path,

and we do not know where it will lead,

but we keep moving forward,

trusting that there is something great beyond the turn,

trusting in God's plan for our lives.

We may come to a clearing,

and we see the obstacles on the sides of the path,

and we choose to stay on the road

not looking from side to side

but focused on the future that we have in God.

But nothing is perfect on this earth,

so you see obstacles directly on the path.

The road ahead looks rough and unmanageable.

God helps you to step over the obstacles,

to rise above the storms of life.

Even though the road ahead looks dark and chaotic,

you keep walking and moving forward,

trusting in God.

You see right ahead of you a giant obstacle.

You look around for solutions,

but you're stuck.

But with God's help,

you move forward

and again, you go through the obstacle

and rise above

and keep walking forward.

 Even though this path called life

is riddled with obstacles,

you always move forward...

By going through the obstacles in life

and moving forward,

you learn to enjoy the little things in life

and to appreciate the beauty in the mundane.

You learn to live.

The Indestructible Hope

I was thinking about what I was going to blog about today, and the word “hope” kept running through my mind.

To me, hope is critical to life, especially a life that has meaning and purpose. Having been through so many difficulties in my life, I know I would be long gone if it were not for the hope God has instilled in me through my obstacles.

Hope is finding joy, truth and meaning in the obstacles of life. Hope is finding the light in the darkness in this world and in our individual lives. Hope is holding on to the promises of God, even when everything around us looks dim. It is that part of our soul that yearns for more of God, for more meaning. It is the part within us that cries out for God in desperation, holding on to His outstretched arms, waiting for answers to our prayers.

Growing up, my hope was that God would reveal Himself to me and help me to rise above my family situation. I prayed thousands of prayers asking Him to help me and guide me through the difficult times. I said thousands of prayers asking for God to help my family members.

My oldest brother, Michael, and I were close as children. He loved to take care of me as a baby.

We played countless hours of video games. My brothers absolutely loved to watch the Simpsons, especially during dinner time, which my mother did not really like or agree with. But my brothers watched it anyway.

I grew up with an acre of woods behind my home and we lived on a mountain, so our backyard was very steep. When it snowed, my brothers and I loved to sled down the mountain. We also used to swing on vines from the trees, twenty feet or so off the ground.

Mike especially loved to pull pranks on my other brother and I. When the Y2K bug was happening during the switch to the next millennium, my family gathered in front of the TV to watch the ball drop in New York City on New Years Eve. Mike slipped out of the room right before the countdown to supposedly go to the bathroom. We started to  count down and when it got to 1, all of the power in our home went out. My mother, other brother and I were very nervous and started to panic. Maybe the Y2K bug was real! Maybe the world really is ending!, we thought. Mike then turned all the power back  on, coming up from the basement with a huge smile on his face, laughing.

Mike loved trains. He worked at a train store. He built a whole village in our basement, with a train set that went through the village. During Christmas time, Mike used to set up a train set to go around the bottom of the tree. Countless hours were spent watching Santa go by in the train, around and around the bottom of the tree.

But...

The trains began to disappear. 

Mike started to forge checks and steal money. 

He got in trouble at his work. 

He eventually dropped out of high school. 

The brother I once knew left home. 

Numerous arguments between my mother and him occurred. 

Walls in the house were punched. 

Threats of breaking windows were made.

He was placed in an adult school at another high school at night. My mother and I went to drop him off in the dark of night. 

Then came the day when we found out that he skipped that school in order to hang out with friends.

Mike got involved with drugs big time. He started dealing. Every so often, my mother told me he was in this jail, that jail, this prison, that prison. The jail visits became so numerous that I lost count.

I felt like I lost Mike long before he committed suicide in 2007. The laughing, fun, exciting brother that I knew from my childhood became someone who was dealing drugs, who threatened people, stole from people. Marijuana, crack, heroin, ecstacy and countless other names of drugs became common terms in my home.

For years, I hoped, along with my mother, that Mike would quit doing and dealing drugs. We hoped against all hope that he would turn around. Many countless prayers were said, asking God to help him stop.

But Mike is gone.

Does that mean that God did not answer my prayers, that my hopes were not fulfilled?

Not necessarily.

I miss Mike all the time. Even though he abused me at various points while growing up, it was not entirely his fault. I understood that and I have forgiven him.

Because Mike died, a lot of my external family, which had argued and avoided each other until 2007, came together to mourn Mike’s death. Out of his death, my family united in an amazing way.

Since then, my mother and other brother have overcome their addictions as well. Mike’s death has made us all stronger than we were before. His death helped me to make a choice not to do drugs, deal drugs or drink alcohol. After his death, I gave speeches to students in different classes about not doing drugs. His death gave me the motivation I needed to get through college, something that I always hoped that I would do.

The point that I am trying to make is that sometimes we hope in things, but God may answer our hopes and our prayers differently than we expected. But we still need to have hope. We still need to try to make our dreams and our hopes become reality. Some hope for complete healing and they may not be completely healed. That does not mean that God is not working in their life in some way. It does not mean that God is ignoring us at all. It means that it may not be the right time.

Hope is that part of us that looks to the bright future which God has planned for us. Everything we hope for may not happen in this lifetime, but we are promised great things in our eternal life. That's why we strive to be as hopeful as we can be in this life. That's why we are motivated to make our dreams come true and give meaning to our lives. 

To me, there is no other choice than to be hopeful, especially in this world so full of confusion and darkness. We must not allow seemingly unanswered prayers stop us from hoping in great things.

"Hope deferred maketh the heart sick"

-Proverbs 13:12a (KJV)