A Letter From God

Something that has been helping me is to write different letters. Today, I decided to write a letter to myself but from the perspective of God writing the letter to me. I based it on things that I have been learning about God and I wanted to share the letter because I thought it might help others.

My dear child,

I want you to know that I have forgiven you. Those parts of your past in which I wept with you and held you, trying to calm you down, I was with you. I was cheering you on, helping you to conquer your fears and doubts about yourself, the world and me.

You questioned me a lot. You asked me if I would forgive you, for both your unintentional and intentional mistakes. You asked me where I was when you were abused and neglected, when evil things invaded your life. You asked me why I allowed you to go through those things. You were angry at me. I understand. In many of those times in your life, you felt like I was absent. Not listening.

But my answer to those questions was, is and always will be…

I have redeemed you.

I have loved you.

I have carried you.

I have mounted you up on eagles’ wings so that you could soar over the storms in your life.

I gave you the strength you needed to fight the battles.

There truly is nothing, no battle too big for me. You see, I created the world and I know your pain. I have seen your pain and I wept with you throughout your painful moments, until we had no more tears to cry. I was angry and upset with you, that you had been so hurt. I was there for you every step of the way. I will never abandon you. You are my precious child.

No matter what the world says, no matter what others around you say or do, always stick to the truth that you have found through me. Always know that you are my precious child and I would never do anything to harm you. I am so sorry you went through all of those things, but I truly strengthened you through those circumstances. I gave you my strength so that you could fight the battles. I gave you courage and wisdom to get to where you are now. I gave you a purpose and meaning for your life, something that nobody except me could give you. I will always comfort you and I hope you know how much I care about you. I know those moments were tough, but I am so proud of how far you have come.

There is nothing too difficult for me. I know you are scared about the future and the unknown but I will help you through everything. Never give up. Keep fighting. Never stop leaning on me for strength. Put your full trust in me because I have carried so many others through difficult circumstances. There is nothing too dark or evil for me to handle. We will get through this and I will help you continue to move forward.

Take my hand and let me lead the way…

Going Through the Emotions

“The process of metamorphosis is going to hurt. Let it hurt. The more you fight it the longer it takes and the worse the pain seems…Even though change hurts, it is better than living in constant misery and discouragement. Let God do whatever He needs and wants to do in you.”

-Joyce Meyer, The Battle Belongs to the Lord

I am going through a time of metamorphosis in which I am dealing with my past. It is not easy, but sometimes we have to go through difficult times in order to move forward into what God has planned for us.

Sometimes that means feeling the pain and the despair of past hurts and regrets.

Sometimes that means letting God be God and allowing Him to work in us, within us and through us.

Lately, I have had feelings of immense guilt over things that I did in the past, some of which people say is not my fault and that I should not feel any guilt or shame from. However, there is a lot of shame associated with the guilt. I have points in which I feel like an absolute nobody, especially when I remember times when I was not treated well. I realize that I am not worthy of what Jesus did on the cross.

But the truth is that none of us is worthy of the mercy and grace that God has shown us. As much as I want to do good things and love everyone, I will make mistakes and sin. I sin every day. That is what makes Christ’s death on the cross so beautiful and powerful.

A few months ago, I entered intensive treatment for my PTSD. The treatment program was based on prolongued exposure therapy. In order to get into the program, I had a 7-hour long interview session, in which I gave details about my past- the traumatic experiences, the abuse, the neglect, the homelessness, the loss, the drug abuse, etc… All of it.

Prolonged exposure therapy is unique in that it entails going back and going through the trauma detail by detail. I had to go back and deal with the worst times in my life head on, reliving the details. I was unable to continue the treatment since I began to have flooding memories to the point that I could not function.

However, I know that there is a lot of psychological backing to the idea that if you want to overcome negative feelings, sometimes you need to go through them and live in them. You need to feel in order to move forward. It doesn’t mean that we should feel those negative feelings all the time. I would not be able to function if I lived in my flashbacks all the time. Currently, I have about 10 a day and that makes it somewhat difficult to function. But it does mean feeling them completely, not running away from the hurt, the pain, the obstacles, the struggles.

As difficult as it was for me to go through the interview, it was very empowering to speak about what I went through in order to get to where I am. I have tried my whole life to hide my past from most people. I did not invite friends over to my house so that they wouldn't see the alcoholism in my family or the fact that I was poor. But in trying to hide such a big part of what makes me who I am, I internalized the shame. Now I am slowly picking up those pieces and trying to make sense of my past so that I can move forward.

I do not know about you but if someone tells me not to think about something, I usually end up thinking about that thing more. So by going through the negative emotions and feelings, sometimes it helps us to truly deal with them.

In her book, Joyce Meyer mentions some of her difficulties in her childhood, of which I can relate and I believe that many others can. Some of us have had difficult childhoods. Mine was full of terror and I had to fight through many obstacles even to survive. In many ways, I feel as though I grew up much quicker than anyone should have to.

Although we cannot change the past, we need to deal with our past so that it does not ruin the future that God has for us.

“I saw that I could not do anything about what I had lost, and I started looking at what I had left. For one thing, I had the rest of my life, and so do you. Even if the years you have lived weren’t pleasant, you still have your future.”

-Joyce Meyer, The Battle Belongs to the Lord

This is not easy. I personally am working on reconciling the various parts of my life so that I can be whole. I have been extremely successful academically and in various other areas of my life, but at the same time, I am constantly reliving the worst times of my childhood. I am a 24 year old 80% of the time and an abused, neglected, hurt, and frightened little girl the other 20% of the time. Who I am is torn. The feelings I feel are shattered and conflicting. Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. I have often told people that I feel as though I'm living two lives. Being bipolar does not help things as my emotions constantly cycle from being very excited about life to being very depressed.

But God brings peace and calm into my chaotic life every day, as He tells me the truth. I am amazed every day at how awesome God truly is.

Though it’s difficult, I take life one day at a time, hoping and praying for wholeness. I feel that we are all called to move forward, no matter how difficult things get. This too shall pass...

I want to leave off with a song that speaks about taking life one day at a time and learning to breathe.

Compassionate Letter #2

Something that has been therapeutic for me is something that I recently started doing. I write compassionate letters to myself as if I am writing to someone else who is going through what I am going through. It is very helpful because sometimes it's easier to comfort someone else more than myself. I wanted to share my most recent letter in hopes that it may help someone else.

I know that you are going through a difficult phase in your life right now. I am sorry that you have to go through this but keep trusting in God.

I know that your life is heading in a different direction than you planned and that you are coming to terms slowly with this, but continue to hold onto the promises of God.

Sometimes when something does not work out like you planned, God has something better in store. So do not worry. Throw your worries out the window and be filled with trust. Look at how God has carried you through so many obstacles. Why would He abandon you now?

He won't.

God will be there for you every second of your life journey. He has carried you through worse situations.

I know that you are upset and are dealing with many obstacles but God is your comforter. He can heal you. He may not heal you physically or mentally or in a way that you wish, but He can heal you in ways that you never could have even imagined.

God will never let you go or give up on you, even when it seems like everybody in your life is giving up on you. Find your strength in Him. Find your courage to get through this in the shadow of his wings. With Him, you will thrive and rise above these storms, as you have done in the past.

Yearn for God's presence. Be still and know that He is always with you and He never abandons you. Continue to find blessings in the little things of life- in the sunsets, the birds and the butterflies.

God created them and He created you. You are His precious child and though it may seem like He is distant or does not care, He cares more for you than anyone on this earth will ever care for you. You are extremely precious and beautiful in His eyes. Do not let disappointments and discouragements distract you from this truth.

I know this is a scary and confusing time for you, but know that God is there for you. He always was, always is, and always will be.

Let God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit cleanse you, refresh you and calm the raging storms within yoursoul. Find the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I know that you struggle with feelings of guilt, but know that you are forgiven by God. He has already forgiven you for the past. He wants you to be fully in the present. He wants you to forgive those who you need to forgive- those with which you harbor anger. Don't let the anger and the guilt overrule your life. Step into the light and love of God.

Let God heal you and transform your life. Don't hold onto the past. Hold onto hope. The hope that you can only find in God. Hold onto strength. Hold onto courage. Hold onto the outstretched hands of God, waiting to embrace you and comfort you through this difficult time.