This is a letter I wrote while in the hospital.
To those who have been abused,
I have been where you are. I have felt the despair of being made to feel inferior, used and demeaned. Trust me when I say that I have felt the great depths of the human condition. I have felt great pain but I have also felt the great heights of God's unconditional love.
You are loved. You are cherished by a power greater than yourself or I could ever be. I can tell you that this life is worth more than gold and it is worth more than what you have been through. I can tell you that you do not have to forgive, for forgiveness should never be forced. I highly encourage you to forgive though.
People are not meant or made to be abused. We were made for true agape, unconditional love- a love that knows no bounds and is there at all times.
You are deeply cared for. There are really good people out there who will love you no matter what. There are people out there who will treat you in the way you deserve to. I am one of them. I have been abused very severely and yet I know that love. I know and understand a deep love that is not sexual but rather loves without condition. A love that looks beyond mistakes and darkness. A love that drives out hate, as Dr Martin Luther King Jr. spoke of.
Hate has no place in this world. Only love can transform this world in a way that is unimaginable and beyond that which we can ever speak of or think of. Anger has a place in this world as well but forgiveness is worth so much more. Forgiveness can transform our hearts in unimaginable ways. It feels very good to release the anger that find a place in our hearts.
Release that fear and anger. It is not correct to create fear in this world. Release the fear that drives hate and anger. Release all the tension of what you have been through.
I say that I do not want people to pity me about what I have been through because pity does not get me anywhere. It is just pity. I find great strength in helping others and healing people who have been through what I have been through. I find strength in transforming the world with what little I have. To know that I have made a difference in another person's life helps all the mistakes and all the evil in my life worth it. It makes my life meaningful.
I am sorry for what you have been through. You did not deserve it. You are stronger than the circumstances you have found yourself in. You are more than the evil. You are a great person who was born todo something with your life. You do not have to change the world. All you have to do is change the world for one person. If I've met you, you've made a difference in the world because you helped me to transform the world. Please take this life seriously because you only have one. Make the most of it.
You are deeply loved. Deeply cherished for being you. You are a beautiful child of God. You are to be respected. You are wanted, needed and accepted for you. You have a place in this world. You are to be loved in an appropriate manner. You are not to be used or disrespected. You are wonderful. You are a beautiful being with feelings, emotions and behaviors. You are not an object. You are to be loved and cherished from the moment you are born to the moment you take your last breath. We all make mistakes but know that I love you.
Love,
Chelsea Kowal (Mother Chelsea)
Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts
Sunday, January 5, 2020
Thursday, July 11, 2013
A Healing Journey
My paranoia is nonexistent currently. It feels so great. A lot of people say "it gets worse before it gets better" and that was very true of my experience. Late last week was the worse and it was a few days after starting my new medication. I was paranoid, psychotic AND depressed. My PTSD symptoms were crazy too. I was so close to a hospitalization that I nearly called my mom to tell her I was going.
But I stuck in and the medications finally kicked in... And all is good with the world again.
Yesterday, I was talking to someone about the child abuse that I endured for a good part of my life. They were trying to tell me that it's not my fault that I let it happen. But so easily, I want to blame myself. For goodness sake, it happened for 7 years. I feel like I should have stopped it. To someone else, I think it's confusing that I blame myself so much.
It's so much easier for me to look at someone else in a similar situation and say it wasn't their fault- that it never should have happened. But for me, I carry a ton of shame and blame from it.
I think it goes into the fact that I've been practically brainwashed by my main abuser. He told me constantly that it was my fault. He even emailed me a few years ago saying I was a fraud and that I was messing up the family. I was yelled at by my aunt at my brother's wake. Meanwhile, my brother has PTSD from watching me be abused.
Oh, and I made my brother have PTSD? I just somehow brainwashed him? Put things in his head?
My abuser has even told me he would sue the hospitals and therapists I've seen for "brainwashing" me.
A part of me is livid. That part wants him to pay for my suffering. But another part of me is full of shame.
Moving forward, I want to continue to heal from all the trauma I've been through. I don't know how I will heal, I just know I will. Because I've fought through everything that's come my way and I'm not about to let go now.
Last night at Bible study, we were asked to create a "Life Rule" and mine was...
But I stuck in and the medications finally kicked in... And all is good with the world again.
Yesterday, I was talking to someone about the child abuse that I endured for a good part of my life. They were trying to tell me that it's not my fault that I let it happen. But so easily, I want to blame myself. For goodness sake, it happened for 7 years. I feel like I should have stopped it. To someone else, I think it's confusing that I blame myself so much.
It's so much easier for me to look at someone else in a similar situation and say it wasn't their fault- that it never should have happened. But for me, I carry a ton of shame and blame from it.
I think it goes into the fact that I've been practically brainwashed by my main abuser. He told me constantly that it was my fault. He even emailed me a few years ago saying I was a fraud and that I was messing up the family. I was yelled at by my aunt at my brother's wake. Meanwhile, my brother has PTSD from watching me be abused.
Oh, and I made my brother have PTSD? I just somehow brainwashed him? Put things in his head?
My abuser has even told me he would sue the hospitals and therapists I've seen for "brainwashing" me.
A part of me is livid. That part wants him to pay for my suffering. But another part of me is full of shame.
Moving forward, I want to continue to heal from all the trauma I've been through. I don't know how I will heal, I just know I will. Because I've fought through everything that's come my way and I'm not about to let go now.
Last night at Bible study, we were asked to create a "Life Rule" and mine was...
Always move forward and help others along the way.
It's about not getting stuck in the past, but moving forward. I also think it's imperative that we help others along on our journey. This life is not just about us. It is about what we can do for others. It's about sharing our journey with others. Each of us has difficulties, so we each have important things to share.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Moving Ahead
I don't normally blog twice a day, but I wanted to talk about a few things that I have read this afternoon that opened my eyes.
"All of our lives and all of our pain cannot be blamed on someone who neglected, abused and hurt us."
-Stephen Arterburn, Reframe Your Life
I admit that I tend to focus on the hurt that has done to me. After all, I was abused for 7 years and neglected for 3 years. Add to that the fact that I have PTSD, in which I relive the trauma every single day. Needless to say, I feel entitled to be angry about my past.
But I really do have a choice.
I can either let my father, who I haven't talked to or seen in years, continue to rule my life or I can move ahead into God's plans for my life.
Sometimes I blame him for everything that has happened to me, but moving forward is up to me and more than ever before, I want to move ahead. I don't want to let the flashbacks rule my life anymore.
I do not think I have fully forgiven my father for everything he's done. Sometimes I still feel angry about what my mother did. I admit that forgiving may be one of the hardest things I will ever do. But it's a step that I need to take in order to live a fulfilling life.
Sometimes I pray for my father. I do not hate him. In fact, I do not hate anybody. But I also do not like him. I may not know why he did what he did to me, but I know that he is not all bad. I know that there has to be some good in him, even if I cannot see it. And I do wish and hope that he knows about God. I want him to know that God has forgiven him, even though it may take some time for me to forgive him.
"Every one of us has messed up, and we are all fellow strugglers. When we acknowledge this, we take away our entitlement to blame and shame. We take a little focus off the evil done to us, and put a bit more emphasis on the reality of today and our current struggles as fallible human beings... Without this hurt, life would still not have been a piece of cake, because we, in and of ourselves, would have sinned and made mistakes and fallen short and messed it up in other ways."
-Stephen Arterburn, Reframe Your Life
The last sentence really struck me. I always blame my horrible childhood for making me feel so hurt. I blame my father for almost ruining my life. But the truth is that we all are imperfect and no matter how much we try to live a perfect life, nobody can. We all fail and make mistakes. Sometimes I focus on how evil the stuff my father has done to me is without realizing that I am suffering because of my own imperfections.
A few months ago, my mother sent me something that talked about suffering. It basically said that we have the choice to continue to suffer or to move ahead. At first, I was frustrated that it seemed like she was blaming me for my suffering when I believed I was suffering because of what my father did. But really deep down, to come out of suffering is to change how we see what was done to us. It takes courage to leave the past behind us, especially such a difficult past. It is about realizing that we live in a fallen world and that we have a choice about how we want to live our lives.
All I know is I want to move ahead into God's beautiful plan for my life. I am done being stuck on the negative events of my past. I want to truly heal and I want to forgive.
"All of our lives and all of our pain cannot be blamed on someone who neglected, abused and hurt us."
-Stephen Arterburn, Reframe Your Life
I admit that I tend to focus on the hurt that has done to me. After all, I was abused for 7 years and neglected for 3 years. Add to that the fact that I have PTSD, in which I relive the trauma every single day. Needless to say, I feel entitled to be angry about my past.
But I really do have a choice.
I can either let my father, who I haven't talked to or seen in years, continue to rule my life or I can move ahead into God's plans for my life.
Sometimes I blame him for everything that has happened to me, but moving forward is up to me and more than ever before, I want to move ahead. I don't want to let the flashbacks rule my life anymore.
I do not think I have fully forgiven my father for everything he's done. Sometimes I still feel angry about what my mother did. I admit that forgiving may be one of the hardest things I will ever do. But it's a step that I need to take in order to live a fulfilling life.
Sometimes I pray for my father. I do not hate him. In fact, I do not hate anybody. But I also do not like him. I may not know why he did what he did to me, but I know that he is not all bad. I know that there has to be some good in him, even if I cannot see it. And I do wish and hope that he knows about God. I want him to know that God has forgiven him, even though it may take some time for me to forgive him.
"Every one of us has messed up, and we are all fellow strugglers. When we acknowledge this, we take away our entitlement to blame and shame. We take a little focus off the evil done to us, and put a bit more emphasis on the reality of today and our current struggles as fallible human beings... Without this hurt, life would still not have been a piece of cake, because we, in and of ourselves, would have sinned and made mistakes and fallen short and messed it up in other ways."
-Stephen Arterburn, Reframe Your Life
The last sentence really struck me. I always blame my horrible childhood for making me feel so hurt. I blame my father for almost ruining my life. But the truth is that we all are imperfect and no matter how much we try to live a perfect life, nobody can. We all fail and make mistakes. Sometimes I focus on how evil the stuff my father has done to me is without realizing that I am suffering because of my own imperfections.
A few months ago, my mother sent me something that talked about suffering. It basically said that we have the choice to continue to suffer or to move ahead. At first, I was frustrated that it seemed like she was blaming me for my suffering when I believed I was suffering because of what my father did. But really deep down, to come out of suffering is to change how we see what was done to us. It takes courage to leave the past behind us, especially such a difficult past. It is about realizing that we live in a fallen world and that we have a choice about how we want to live our lives.
All I know is I want to move ahead into God's beautiful plan for my life. I am done being stuck on the negative events of my past. I want to truly heal and I want to forgive.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)