The Freeing Grace

“One of the tragedies of our life is that we keep forgetting who we are and waste a lot of time and energy to prove what doesn’t need to be proved.”

-Henri Nouwen

“Owning our own faults, blind spots and failures in the presence of a God who already knows us can be a freeing thing. God doesn’t love us more when we are right than when we are wrong.”

-Adele Ahlberg Calhoun, Invitations from God

I love being right. When I enter into arguments or debates with others, I often think that I have all of the facts, that I know every detail there is to know on the topic. But the more and more I heal, the less and less I need to be right all of the time. The more humble I become. I'm not perfect in any way, shape or form and I still often make mistakes of being too prideful. Just this morning at church, I told a few people that I was happy that I passed my classes this semester despite missing nearly 5 weeks of classes.

But the more I heal, the more I know the truth in what Adele Ahlberg Calhoun says.

How freeing is it to know that God’s love does not depend on us being right or perfect?

To me, it is truly one of the most freeing realizations and discoveries I have had lately. It honestly takes a whole lot off of my shoulders. I've heard it before, but it never spoke to me in a way as it has recently. I often feel like I have to prove that I can be all, do all and overcome everything in order to be cared about.

You see, my need to be right is part of something much deeper hidden inside my past. I was often physically abused as a child by my father and when I told him to stop, he laughed and he teased me. He never listened to my pleas for him to stop, even when I cried. He just laughed and called me “stupid” and other names hundreds of times. He physically hurt me even when I saw him in supervised visits. In doing so, I was taught that I was worthless and not worthy of love.

When I was neglected as a teenager, I was taught that I meant nothing and I was not important. I was taught that I basically was a nobody and didn't deserve to be treated right or cared for.

As I grew up in a family torn apart and ravaged by drug and alcohol abuse, I was told by many outsiders that I would become just like everyone else in my family. Some people didn’t think I’d amount to much or that I wouldn’t make it out of my situation to break the cycle.

All of my life, I have always felt like I had to prove others wrong- that I was capable, that I was worthy of love, that I did deserve to be cared for. All of those years, I hid within myself the hidden feelings of unworthiness.

Now that I am in the healing stages of my life, I have come to realize that God loves me no matter what. No matter what has happened in the past. No matter what is happening now. No matter what will happen in the future. Nothing I can do or say makes me any more worthy of His love. I do not have to prove to anybody anything because God loves me for who I am. Already.

I am slowly coming to the realization that I have nothing to prove because God loves me just for who I am, not my grades, not how many people I help or how much I overcome. I am free to be who I am. This is not an easy realization for me to come to because I have built my life upon proving to others that I am capable, that I am not stupid and that I deserve to be listened to, not tormented and abused. I built my life upon proving others wrong because of the deep emotions I dealt with my entire life. That little hurting child within me is rejoicing as I move forward into more healing because I realize that I am enough.

I AM ENOUGH JUST THE WAY I AM!!!!!!!!!

Wow, that is so amazing to say!

And I say to you who read my blog that you are enough just the way you are. I am honestly humbled that there are people reading my blog and coming with me through this healing journey.

I want to leave you with a beautiful song that I heard on the radio last night. I’ve heard this song before but God brought my attention to the words and I started crying as I listened. It is a song about how much we truly need the grace that Jesus offers us- the grace to be free and to be who we are, the grace to know that we are loved no matter what.