Positive Outlook

"You have to stop thinking bad things are going to happen and look forward to all that is waiting for you. There's a good life ahead of you, but only if you choose to accept it."
-R.B.Mitchell, Castaway Kid

This quote stood out to me this morning, because I realized that lately, I have been thinking more positively about my future. I am really positive about moving home to NJ and finding a job.

A few months ago, my pastor said to me, "You have a story whether or not something tragic happens this year." It was in this moment that I realized that I had a choice to make about whether or not I would be positive about my future, despite my mental illness and other challenges. It made me realize that the rest of this year didn't have to be full of hospitalizations.

I had a choice.

I think it is this positive outlook that has carried me so far without a hospitalization. When I first got out of the hospital in April, each day was a challenge and I thought I was headed back to the hospital "any day now."

But now, almost 8 months later, I don't live my life like that anymore. I live it, knowing that if I take my medications and go to therapy and psychiatrist appointments, I do not have to go to the hospital. I know I can stay stable and function successfully.

I don't live my life each day wondering if I'm going to go back to the hospital anymore. I live knowing that I have a bright future despite dealing with multiple mental illnesses. I live knowing that I can stay out of the hospital.

I am graduating with a Masters in Biomedical Engineering in 7 days, despite 5 hospitalizations and dealing with schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar) and PTSD. I am not only the first person in my family to graduate from college but I am also the first one to graduate with a Masters.

There is something to be said about having a positive attitude. Nothing is impossible.

15 Things You May or May Not Know About Me

I'm doing things a little bit differently today and I am going to tell you some fun facts about myself that you may or may not know.

1. I am currently on 6 different medications. I have morning, afternoon and night meds and I often feel like an old person with my little pill box.

2. I donate plasma and platelets once a month because I believe it is a simple way to give back to the community and to help save lives. I also am a registered organ donor.

3. I play piano. In the past, I've played clarinet, acoustic guitar, recorder, harmonica, harp and french horn. Ever since I was little, I have always loved music.

4. My Bible is literally falling apart because I love it so much. It's over 10 years old and it's been with me throughout many hospitalizations and it's carried me through a lot of pain and hard times. Everybody says I should get a new one, but I refuse because this Bible is like a friend to me.

5. You may think I'm a little kid with these art supplies, but I still love to color and draw. It helps relieve my stress and express myself. It also reminds me of the good times I had as a child....makes me feel like a kid again.

6. I love to read books. I read 14 books in May alone. If I am interested in something, I will most likely read about it. If I had a choice, I would live in a library.

7. When I was little, I used to make jewelry out of small beads and sell them at the boardwalk. Funny thing is that I have never really liked wearing jewelry. One summer I made over $1000 in one week at the beach. I think that beading helped me to cope with a lot of the challenges I faced. I love doing things that are repetitive because they are soothing to me.

8. Through the Charity Miles app, I've walked and ran over 470 miles since May 3rd. I've raised over $100 for different charities. I've fed over 250 people!

9. Maybe it's because I grew up poor and was even homeless at one point, but I love everything that I have. I use everything I own until it breaks or I can't use it anymore. I get the most "bang for my buck", as they say. For example, the last pair of sneakers I had lasted me a whole year and by the end, there were holes.

10. Music is my life, in case you didn't know. I can't live without music, literally. I go nuts. I am always listening to music. When I'm in my apartment, I listen to the radio. When I'm out and about, I'm in my own little world with my headphones blasting music. 

11. This may or may not surprise you, but I LOVE Gospel music. Sometimes I even dance to it when I'm alone (never in front of others). Gospel music has helped me be tough and get through a lot of things.

12. I absolutely love photography except I've never had a professional camera. The photos I take are from smartphone cameras. I love using simple technology to capture the beauty of this world that God has created. There is a lot of beauty in simplicity.

13. I consider myself an artist. My perceptual reasoning (visual) skills are in the 99th percentile and I try to use those skills in my daily life through my art.

14. Along with being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and PTSD, I have been given a diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome twice this past year.

15. This list of things about me had to have a multiple of 5 things, because I love the number 5. I have an obsession with 5's. Everything that I do involves the number 5 somehow.

I hope you enjoyed this as much as I have.

A Healing Journey

My paranoia is nonexistent currently. It feels so great. A lot of people say "it gets worse before it gets better" and that was very true of my experience. Late last week was the worse and it was a few days after starting my new medication. I was paranoid, psychotic AND depressed. My PTSD symptoms were crazy too. I was so close to a hospitalization that I nearly called my mom to tell her I was going.

But I stuck in and the medications finally kicked in... And all is good with the world again.

Yesterday, I was talking to someone about the child abuse that I endured for a good part of my life. They were trying to tell me that it's not my fault that I let it happen. But so easily, I want to blame myself. For goodness sake, it happened for 7 years. I feel like I should have stopped it. To someone else, I think it's confusing that I blame myself so much.

It's so much easier for me to look at someone else in a similar situation and say it wasn't their fault- that it never should have happened. But for me, I carry a ton of shame and blame from it.

I think it goes into the fact that I've been practically brainwashed by my main abuser. He told me constantly that it was my fault. He even emailed me a few years ago saying I was a fraud and that I was messing up the family. I was yelled at by my aunt at my brother's wake. Meanwhile, my brother has PTSD from watching me be abused.

Oh, and I made my brother have PTSD? I just somehow brainwashed him? Put things in his head?

My abuser has even told me he would sue the hospitals and therapists I've seen for "brainwashing" me.

A part of me is livid. That part wants him to pay for my suffering. But another part of me is full of shame.

Moving forward, I want to continue to heal from all the trauma I've been through. I don't know how I will heal, I just know I will. Because I've fought through everything that's come my way and I'm not about to let go now.

Last night at Bible study, we were asked to create a "Life Rule" and mine was...

Always move forward and help others along the way.

It's about not getting stuck in the past, but moving forward. I also think it's imperative that we help others along on our journey. This life is not just about us. It is about what we can do for others. It's about sharing our journey with others. Each of us has difficulties, so we each have important things to share.

Making Me New

Last night, I watched an episode of Extreme Weight Loss. In the episode I watched, a woman named Meredith works to reach her goal of weighing 155 pounds. She has tried everything she could to lose weight but she's been unsuccessful. And that's why she has to get to the root of her overeating: the fact that she was given away and adopted as a baby. She has felt the sense of rejection for the majority of her life. As she works through the feelings associated with the adoption, she finds acceptance and her real meaning in life.

Sometimes what we need to do in order to move forward is get at the root of the negative things in our lives.

Right now, in my own recovery, I'm working to get to the root of my illnesses: the abuse and neglect I endured for many years as a child and teenager. There is a ton of hurt, distrust and other negative feelings that come with being severely abused for so many years. I deal with feelings of rejection, betrayal and hurt among a myriad of other associated feelings.

For the past month or so, I've been dealing with paranoia. I've been working through the paranoid thoughts with my therapist. I've been working to find truth in the paranoia, to reach down into my trust issues and find out what's real. I think that distrust is the root of my paranoia. On one hand, I am sucked into believing that everybody is plotting against me.  But the other hand says that people are not after me, that there are people who care deeply about me. Sometimes I really want to react to others if I think they're after me. But when I do, I instead think to myself, "They're not after you. You'll be okay. Just move forward." I try to think about the logic of everyone conspiring against me.

After Father's Day a few weeks ago, my therapist told me to reframe the holiday by doing something nice for families, like cleaning up a park where families go... something to support good fathers. My therapist has started to help me reframe my past and look at it in a new light so it doesn't have the control it's had in my life for so long. I'm starting to go away from my comfort zone to overcome the negative feelings that have haunted me for so long. It's a struggle but it's a battle I'm willing to fight.

In a way, it's making the negative into positive. It's looking at my past in a different way that can help me move forward. For me, it means moving forward in spite of all the garbage I've been through and are going through.

I'm actually glad that a few people have said that the medications will not really help the paranoia I'm dealing with. They told me I have to work through the paranoia by challenging my thought patterns. I like challenging the negative thoughts because it is about taking back power and control. It's about standing up for what I endured as a child. It's one of the most difficult things I've done but I'm up for the challenge. It's truly helping me to heal.

"this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, 

and reaching forth unto those things which are before"

-Philippians 3:13 (KJV)

"Therefore if any man be in Christ, 

he is a new creature: 

old things are passed away; 

behold, all things are become new."

-2 Corinthians 5:17 (KJV)

Each new day is an adventure and part of the struggle to take back my life that was taken, but it is an opportunity to become new in Christ. It is a chance to heal in a way I have never done before.

Burst with Joy Amidst Difficulty

I did something extremely difficult today. I talked about the details of my abuse with my therapist. She asked me questions and I told her the nitty gritty details of what happened to me for 7 years.

Part of me doesn't like telling the details because my PTSD tends to be heightened and the pain of going through it by speaking about it is tremendous. For most of the day after therapy, it was hard to take my mind off of it. Another part of me doesn't like telling the details because I don't know how the other person or people will react. Because I was told for so many years that nobody would ever believe me, it's kind of gotten ingrained in my head.

But today was different. She asked me questions and did not seem to be overwhelmed with what happened to me. I've had a few therapists even cry when I told them. And I wonder why. Because I don't usually cry about it. I think I've been kind of desensitized in a way.

The past few times I've told a lot of details, I've thought the people I was telling didn't believe me. As I told one therapist about my life, her eyes kept getting wider and wider. She looked confused and in disbelief. So I asked her, "Why are you looking at me like that?" She said, "I'm trying to take it all in. That's a lot for one small person to go through." You're telling me.

Therapy is something that I've usually found to be beneficial. Given the right therapist, I have been able to talk about my issues and move forward. Currently, I am talking about my traumatic experiences and also working on challenging my paranoid thinking.

As I've posted in recent posts, I've been dealing with some paranoia. I think that others are after me and that people are talking behind my back, conspiring against me. The last few days, I've been talking to people and they've been helping me to challenge these thoughts. For instance, I keep thinking about the possibility that everyone in town is against me. Wouldn't I know if everyone was? Why would everybody be after me?

Paranoia and psychosis are tricky to deal with. But through therapy, I'm managing the paranoia quite well. My therapist agreed that the paranoia is something that the meds might not help so I have to cognitively work through the paranoid thoughts. With the medication, it's at a level that I am able to do this.

Mental illness is not easy, especially with a history of abuse, neglect, homelessness and loss. But moving forward can be done. Slowly but surely. I am amazed at how resilient I have been and at how far I have come. Not a day goes by that I am not amazed that I am getting a Masters in December. I've been told that I've endured more than most people go through in a lifetime and I've accomplished so much. I've had people tell me they'd buckle under only one of the things I've gone through. My resilience comes from God's strength. I get up every morning because I know that each new day is from God.

A scene from Sister Act 2 just came into my mind, when a young boy sings "Oh Happy Day." When he first sings, he is really shy and you can barely hear him. But then Whoopi encourages and helps him. He bursts out with an absolutely beautiful voice. I think in the same vein, we need to give this life all we got inside of us. With the right encouragement, courage and strength, we can burst with love, peace and joy because no matter how difficult this life gets, we always know that God is beside us and within us. We can sing our song of God's goodness and grace to those around us.

Here's the scene:

Embrace the Beautiful

I've realized that after being in and out of hospitals in the beginning months of this year, I've grown to appreciate the little things in life in a whole new way. Each new day is a blessing after struggling for so long. I still struggle sometimes, but I have come a long way in a few months. Monday will mark two months since I was released from my last hospitalization. To me, that's a huge accomplishment and blessing from God.

I try to embrace each morning and each new day. I try to appreciate everything, even the difficult things. I am so fortunate to be getting better and to have things going well.

In some ways, it's like becoming a child again. Being excited about everything, each new day. In a lot of ways, dealing with my struggles has made me more serious than I want to be. I want to have fun again. I was told by a little girl a few days ago, "You're beautiful just the way you are." Just that simple gesture made my day. In the simplicity of the statement, it made me feel much better.

One of the small things I love to do when I'm out in nature is to watch the sun shine through the trees. I believe the sun is one of the most magical things on earth. Through the clouds and the trees, it shines in ways that are sometimes breathtaking.

I took a short video of the sun shining through the trees when I was on the swing the other day. The video is okay but it was even more beautiful in real life.

A few months ago, I visited some relatives in a town nearby and they told me to take a walk down the street and they live in the country area. I was taken aback by the wondrous beauty of the trees and the country side near where they live. I was so taken in that I walked right by their house on the way back. I honestly could not take my eyes off the sun, the trees and the beautiful countryside. The beauty was just overwhelming.

Beauty is all around us. The beauty of what God has created is all around and it is up to us to embrace it and celebrate it- to take it all in.

I believe that the magic happens when we stop dwelling on the negative and we start appreciating the beautiful world that God has given us. The magic happens when we begin to breathe in the positive things around us, embracing the beauty. The magic happens when we stop dwelling on the negatives in the past and we start to move forward into what God has planned for us.

I want to share the opening scene of one of my favorite movies, August Rush. Like the little boy says, all we need to do is listen and open ourselves up. As you watch the clip, look at how beautiful the scenery and the words he says are.

Embrace the beauty. Embrace the wonderful. Embrace the positive. Embrace life as it is.

Clean Break for the Positive

I was watching an episode from Duck Dynasty a few days ago. I haven't really watched any TV since last August, but I have wanted to start watching some new shows. I have to say that there are some pretty interesting shows on TV.

Anyways, one of the characters of Duck Dynasty said something that really resonated with me. I was not expecting this amidst all the jokes of the show. I really was not expecting anything deep. But it was deep.

Part of the show, Kay is selling stuff in the front of the family home, attempting to get rid of the old and bring a new beginning into her home. At the end of the show, someone said (I don't know the characters well enough to know which one):

"People are nature's number one creature. We tend to hold to get comfortable, stuck in our ways and we fear change. We like to hold onto old things in order to hold onto old memories when usually it keeps us from making new ones. Sometimes you gotta bite the bullet and make a clean break from the past to start a fresh beginning."

Again, I was not expecting anything deep, but I think this resonates with me because I am trying to start a fresh beginning in my life. I am trying to replace all the negativity of my past with positivity for the future. As painful as it is to admit, I've gotten used to things being difficult. I've gotten used to being hurt. I've gotten used to things being out of control in a lot of ways.

But God doesn't intend for us to get used to pain and misery. Yes, it is a part of life that we all have to go through, but it's only a part not the whole. The problem begins when pain becomes the only part of life we see and experience.

I love that he says we gotta bite the bullet and move forward into a new beginning. That is the phase of my life that I am currently going through. I am trying to make a clean break for the future that God has in store.

I fear change, though. In many ways, I feel much more comfortable in difficult circumstances and situations than easy ones. If things aren't difficult, I get anxious and feel weird. If things are going well, most often I feel like things are too good to be true. It feels awkward. To me, things aren't supposed to be good. They've always been insanely difficult.

But that's not how life is supposed to be.

I'm not saying things are always going to be peachy keen and hunky dory but we also are supposed to live in the light, hope, peace, joy and love of God.

As I move forward, I am trying to make the past what it really is: the past. It is gone, over and done with. It really is history. And now I am attempting to create positive memories instead of the constant negative memories I relive through my PTSD.

The lyrics of History by Matthew West, one of my favorite songs which I was just reminded of, says:

Yesterday is history

And history is miles away

So leave it all behind you

Let it always remind you of the day

The day that love made history