"The journey toward greater things is marked with setbacks and real suffering."
-Steven Furtick, Greater
I want to share my story, the story of how God has
continually saved my life and helped me through difficulties and hardships. I
hope that through sharing my testimony, others will be blessed. Please feel free to share this testimony.
On April 10, 1989, I was born in a hospital in
Newark, NJ. For anybody who knows Newark, it is one of the most dangerous parts
of New Jersey.
My earliest memory of being abused was when I was
3 years old. I was abused in every way by my father from when I was 3 to 6
years old. Severe abuse. I am not going to tell the details because only a handful of people know them. Just know that it took a lot of
strength to survive all of it and I am lucky to be alive.
My mother and father separated when I was 6 years
old. On the morning of the last day they were together, I watched my mother
being abused to the point that she was almost murdered in front of me. A few
months after they separated, I nearly died in a house fire. Thanks to quick
thinking, I called 911 at the exact moment that I needed to. The firemen said
that if I had called any later, I probably would have died.
Things did not get any better with my father out
of the house, though. I was abused by my oldest brother for a few years. Around
that time, he started getting into drugs and eventually started dealing them. I
have many memories of my mother fighting with him about the drugs. I remember
him stealing things in the house. I also remember him selling his beloved train
collection in order to get high on drugs.
My mother and father finally were divorced when I
was 13 years old. As far as I know, my father went to prison for what he did to
me for a little bit, but then he was released.
Soon after the divorce, we moved into a home down
the street. This was when I started to be neglected by my mother. She was never
home because she started to date a man, who I later found out was a drug dealer.
He even tried to get my other brother to deal drugs. I slowly lost my mother to
alcoholism.
I was home alone most of the time. I studied
extremely hard in school. Around this time, my relationship with God really
grew. I covered the walls of my room with Bible verses. I talked with my pastor
a lot. She told me that it was not normal for a 13 year old to be home
alone and that I belonged in foster care.
I remember going to a beach home with my mother
and her boyfriend. Her alcoholism was so apparent. I remember running up to
my room, weeping. My mother came in and I said to her “I want my mother back.”
It was around this time that I ran away to a
friend’s home in order to try to get into foster care. I could not deal with the
family issues any longer. Those around me considered me an "at-risk" teenager. My other brother had left the home earlier due to his
own drug addictions. The last straw was when my mother was arrested for a drunk
driving accident.
I wanted to move forward. I lived in various homes
during that time- different homes of my friends. My mother and I eventually
became evicted and homeless. At that point, I wanted nothing to do with her so
I went from home to home, wherever I could stay so that I did not have to live
on the streets. At one point, we stayed together for a few weeks in a home near the projects in Newark.
What carried me through this time was my faith in
God. I read the Bible all the time, listened to worship songs and tried to go
to church when I could. I was confirmed and even gave a children’s sermon on
Youth Sunday. I went on various mission trips and volunteered with different
charities. Worshiping God took my mind off of everything going on at home.
When I first got into high school, I was in
remedial science and English classes. However, through determination and hard
work, I ended up taking 5 Advanced Placement courses and 2 advanced courses during my senior
year, despite being homeless. This was unheard of at my school and many of my peers thought I was crazy. But school was my escape. It was something I became very good at, especially since I focused most of my energy on my schoolwork in order to escape what was going on personally.
My mother and I eventually were reunited halfway
through my senior year of high school as we moved into an apartment. Things
were really rocky between us since we had reversed roles. A few months after
moving into the apartment, my oldest brother committed suicide. He had been
addicted to heroin and crack. He was in and out of jails for most of his life,
for various things including dealing drugs. I had forgiven him for what he had done to me, so it was
very hard to lose him.
His death made everything very hard for my family,
especially my other brother, who was dealing with drug abuse and alcoholism.
Around the time of my brother’s death, I was accepted into nine colleges and
waitlisted from MIT, Columbia and Johns Hopkins. I graduated at the top of my class in high school. Needless to say, I was excited
about the prospect of moving away from my family situation.
College was great for the first two years. I did
very well, getting straight A’s in an overload of courses. During the summer
after my freshman year, I went to another university to do cancer research. In
the next summer, I worked at another university on a project that allowed
people with spinal cord injury to move their paralyzed arms. But during that
summer, I was harassed by my father through email. Even though my parents
had divorced, my father still was in my life.
Things got really hard and during my junior year,
I attempted suicide. The doctors and police told me I had come very close to
death. I narrowly escaped a spinal cord injury. I was forced to take a medical
leave. At first I was very upset and disappointed that I had to take the time
away from school, but during my time off, my relationship with God really grew. At this time in my life, I finally obtained a restraining order against my father so I have nothing to do with him anymore. I eventually went back to college, finished up and graduated at the top of my
class, despite being hospitalized three times during my senior year for
suicidal ideation.
I was offered a PhD position last year, of which I
have been in since August. I recently had to stop my research due to various recent
hospitalizations that I have had. In the past few months, I have had a lot of
diagnoses thrown at me- Aspergers, ADD, PTSD, bipolar, schizoaffective
disorder. The doctors do not seem to know, but I think my most recent diagnoses
of PTSD and schizoaffective disorder are the most accurate.
In sharing my story, I do not want your pity. I do not want you to say you’re sorry I have gone through so much. I want you to see how God has truly carried me through such difficulties. He truly can carry us through anything. I know the difficulties are not ending, but I have a lot of faith and excitement for the future. When my life seems confusing, I always go to God's Word, because it is in the Bible that we find the truth of who we are in God.
I want those who read this blog to know that the words I speak about God are genuine and real. I do not try to sell anything. My faith is real and very important to me and I want to share it with others. I want to share what I learn about God with others. God truly can take our misery and make something beautiful with it and I hope my life testimony is a testament to God's grace and mercy.
Every day is still a struggle but I am still here fighting because God never abandoned me. He never stopped loving me. He never stopped strengthening me. He never stopped molding me into who He wants me to be. He was always there for me, especially in the times when I had no one else. Even in the times when I felt He was silent and absent.
And He does the same for you, no matter what you're going through or have gone through...
Every day is still a struggle but I am still here fighting because God never abandoned me. He never stopped loving me. He never stopped strengthening me. He never stopped molding me into who He wants me to be. He was always there for me, especially in the times when I had no one else. Even in the times when I felt He was silent and absent.
And He does the same for you, no matter what you're going through or have gone through...
But they that wait upon the Lord
shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles;
they shall run, and not be weary;
and they shall walk, and not faint.
-Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)
