Beauty in Imperfections

I want to share something that I don't usually share with people or talk about. It's something that runs deep within...

I feel ugly.

I feel like one of the most imperfect people there is.

I am very self conscious.

I don't even like to look at myself in the mirror most of the time.

A lot of this stems from the abuse from my childhood and the shame that goes along with it. I grew up being taught not to care about myself. I was taught to be used and thrown away. I was taught over and over that I'm worthless trash. I grew up in a poor family that couldn't afford dental care or other things to make me look better. We could never afford braces and we still can't. The first time I was taught to put makeup on was a few days before going to college. I was neglected at a prime time for a girl to grow up and learn those types of things.

A few weeks ago, I went to a friend's house and a neighbor's young girl came over and the first thing she said to me was "You are beautiful no matter what." I don't know why she said that to me but it ran deep inside. It made me feel so different than how I usually feel... better.

Why do we tend to neglect the beauty in the simple things when we grow up? Why do we start to judge so easily?

Sometimes we don't feel perfect, because, let's face it, we're not! We have imperfections running through our very veins. We have feelings inside of us that need healing. But what we can take away is that although we are not perfect, we have a God who is and he makes us beautiful...

For you created my inmost being;
 you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

-Psalm 139:13 (NIV)

So stand tall and be who you are. Because nobody can be you...

The Freeing Grace

“One of the tragedies of our life is that we keep forgetting who we are and waste a lot of time and energy to prove what doesn’t need to be proved.”

-Henri Nouwen

“Owning our own faults, blind spots and failures in the presence of a God who already knows us can be a freeing thing. God doesn’t love us more when we are right than when we are wrong.”

-Adele Ahlberg Calhoun, Invitations from God

I love being right. When I enter into arguments or debates with others, I often think that I have all of the facts, that I know every detail there is to know on the topic. But the more and more I heal, the less and less I need to be right all of the time. The more humble I become. I'm not perfect in any way, shape or form and I still often make mistakes of being too prideful. Just this morning at church, I told a few people that I was happy that I passed my classes this semester despite missing nearly 5 weeks of classes.

But the more I heal, the more I know the truth in what Adele Ahlberg Calhoun says.

How freeing is it to know that God’s love does not depend on us being right or perfect?

To me, it is truly one of the most freeing realizations and discoveries I have had lately. It honestly takes a whole lot off of my shoulders. I've heard it before, but it never spoke to me in a way as it has recently. I often feel like I have to prove that I can be all, do all and overcome everything in order to be cared about.

You see, my need to be right is part of something much deeper hidden inside my past. I was often physically abused as a child by my father and when I told him to stop, he laughed and he teased me. He never listened to my pleas for him to stop, even when I cried. He just laughed and called me “stupid” and other names hundreds of times. He physically hurt me even when I saw him in supervised visits. In doing so, I was taught that I was worthless and not worthy of love.

When I was neglected as a teenager, I was taught that I meant nothing and I was not important. I was taught that I basically was a nobody and didn't deserve to be treated right or cared for.

As I grew up in a family torn apart and ravaged by drug and alcohol abuse, I was told by many outsiders that I would become just like everyone else in my family. Some people didn’t think I’d amount to much or that I wouldn’t make it out of my situation to break the cycle.

All of my life, I have always felt like I had to prove others wrong- that I was capable, that I was worthy of love, that I did deserve to be cared for. All of those years, I hid within myself the hidden feelings of unworthiness.

Now that I am in the healing stages of my life, I have come to realize that God loves me no matter what. No matter what has happened in the past. No matter what is happening now. No matter what will happen in the future. Nothing I can do or say makes me any more worthy of His love. I do not have to prove to anybody anything because God loves me for who I am. Already.

I am slowly coming to the realization that I have nothing to prove because God loves me just for who I am, not my grades, not how many people I help or how much I overcome. I am free to be who I am. This is not an easy realization for me to come to because I have built my life upon proving to others that I am capable, that I am not stupid and that I deserve to be listened to, not tormented and abused. I built my life upon proving others wrong because of the deep emotions I dealt with my entire life. That little hurting child within me is rejoicing as I move forward into more healing because I realize that I am enough.

I AM ENOUGH JUST THE WAY I AM!!!!!!!!!

Wow, that is so amazing to say!

And I say to you who read my blog that you are enough just the way you are. I am honestly humbled that there are people reading my blog and coming with me through this healing journey.

I want to leave you with a beautiful song that I heard on the radio last night. I’ve heard this song before but God brought my attention to the words and I started crying as I listened. It is a song about how much we truly need the grace that Jesus offers us- the grace to be free and to be who we are, the grace to know that we are loved no matter what.

Our True Home

“We validate our existence with a flurry of activity. We do more, buy more, achieve more.” –Max Lucado, Grace

How true is this?

Every day we are bombarded with everything that we have to do. We try to do everything we possibly can do to be successful.

What if I said that none of that matters… That there is more to life than everything that you do to be successful?

I am going to say that. Because a few months ago, all I cared about was being the best I could be at everything I did. I wanted to be the best and all I cared about was awards.

As I knelt down on the floor of my apartment and prayed in October, crying out to the Lord for him to humble me, I had no idea what would happen in the past few months. I had no idea that the very next day, I would find myself in the hospital with a concussion. I had no idea that over the next 8 days, I would be battling a dystonic reaction or that I would have bouts of spasms and stuttering throughout the past few months. God answered my prayer in a very difficult way but I see all of the challenges I've faced as a tremendous blessing. It has humbled me. I still have some struggles with pride, but God continues to help me through that. I do not believe the journey is over.

Every day, God shows me that there is so much more than the nitty-gritty, mundane things of life. There truly is so much more to this life than what’s on TV tonight or how much homework you have to finish by tomorrow.

The more I spend time in God’s presence and hear His voice, the more I am truly in awe of Him. The more time I spend at the lake, just being still and in His presence, the more joyful I feel even though I am going through a very difficult period of my life. The more I center my life around God, the more happiness I feel.

Our God is truly beautiful.

When we stop to be still, we start to see the beauty beyond all of the stuff in our way which blocks us from seeing the beauty in this world.

Max Lucado goes on to say…

“Your identity is not in your possessions, talents, tattoos, kudos, or accomplishments. Nor are you defined by your divorce, deficiencies, debt or dumb choices. You are God’s child.” –Max Lucado, Grace

Read that again. I had to read it quite a few times myself.

Isn’t it incredibly powerful to have our true identity as God’s child? I think it’s pretty awesome.

I just graduated college in May 2012. I graduated at the top of my class, with a Bachelors with two minors in the Honors program. In college, I worked on five research projects at five separate universities across the country. Needless to say, I was a bit crazy in college.

I worked hard, but does that all really matter?

The more I focus on God, the more I see the greater picture of life. The more I realize that there is so much more than being the best. So much more than getting ten million awards.

I think our main goal in this life should be to allow God to be the center of our lives. Because no matter who hurts you, no matter what obstacles come your way, He will be there. He will be there when there is no one else. He’s not just there, either. He gives you the strength and guidance to get through. Sometimes, He even carries you.

Some people say that being Christian or religion is too “restrictive.” They think that becoming a Christian means that all the joy and fun is taken out of life.

I beg to differ.

The more I get to know God, the more excited I get about life. The peace and joy I feel honestly make no sense, especially at such a difficult time in my life. Yet I still wake up every morning, with such joy and excitement, because I know that I will see the beauty of God. I know that God will lead me through the challenges. I know that through Him, I will continue to make a difference in this world.

I wanted to share something I posted on Facebook this morning, because it is something that God is teaching me:

Each new day is a gift, a blessing from God. Each new day is an opportunity to make the most of our precious time here. Each new day is an opportunity to move forward, not to look back but to continue to crawl, walk, run or sprint towards God's loving arms. Each day is an opportunity to make the world a better and more peaceful place. Each day is new for a reason. Today can be different than yesterday and tomorrow can be different than today. So make the most of your time. Spread a message of love, hope, peace and joy. 

As I have shared throughout many posts, I grew up in a very difficult family situation. I even had points in my life when I “couch-surfed” from home to home after running away and then becoming evicted. Through those situations, I came to realize that a home is not just a building. Our true home is in God’s loving arms. Our true home is peaceful, not full of hate. Our true home is full of love, not fear. In our true home, unconditional love takes us in.

A Love That Never Fails

A few weeks ago, quite a few bloggers posted about something that hurt autistic people and those who care about them. If you were unaware, if you Googled “autistic people should" a few weeks ago (I believe it has since changed), the autofill feature came up with phrases such as “be killed,” “be eradicated,” and “be cured.”

As someone who was diagnosed with Aspergers, a form of autism, twice in the past few months, seeing this and hearing about it hurt me deeply. To me, having Aspergers is a gift, not a negative thing. In fact, I love that it makes me see the world differently. I love that I am obsessed with numbers and patterns. I love that I think of different songs all day and that I have a neverending database in my head, every day, all day long. I love that I notice the details of everything around me. I love that I sometime stare at trees because I am obsessed with the fractal patterns of their branches.

I love it because it is part of what makes me ME.

Yes, there are difficulties that I have to “deal with” as someone with Aspergers. But everyone has difficulties. Everyone has struggles they have to overcome.

Thinking about this on my way home from church tonight, one of my favorite movie scenes came to my mind.

We are all human beings and as God’s children, I believe that we all deserve to be told how unique we are, how precious we are in this world.

You are loved.

There is a God who loves you unconditionally. You do not have to do anything in particular to deserve His love. You cannot earn it. His love is given without conditions. No strings attached. No hidden fees. No fine print. He created you and He loves you as one of His beautiful creations.

You are wonderfully and fearfully made.

There is no one like you on this earth. While there are other people that may be like you, there is absolutely no one exactly like you. You are created differently from anyone who has ever lived on this earth, in the past, in the present and in the future. You are you. And that means the world because you have a unique perspective, a unique voice.

So what do I believe that people with autism should do?

I believe people with autism should do and deserve the same things that I believe every other human beings should do and deserve. After all, autism is a label. It is not the people who are diagnosed with it.

Every human being should be loved.

Every human being deserves to be loved and cared for.

Every human being deserves to be listened to and to have a voice.

Every human being deserves to be cherished and appreciated.

Every human being deserves to be accepted, not just tolerated.

Every human being deserves to be helped when they need help.

Every human being deserves to be protected from putdowns and bullying.

Every human being deserves to be protected from injustice.

Every human being deserves to feel peace and to live in a peaceful place.

Every human being deserves to be who they are.

In the past few months, I have had bouts of stuttering and spasms. During those bouts, I had to walk around town and take buses. There were quite a few people who stared and some even laughed. At first, it hurt me deeply that people would laugh at something that I could not control, something that embarrassed me on a deep level.

But over time, I realized that they did not know everything that I am dealing with, everything that I have had to deal with to get to where I am and why I was having the physical symptoms. Slowly, my anger and hurt turned into forgiveness. During the bouts, I started to repeat over and over in my head, “Forgive them for they do not know what they do.”

Jesus said those words on the cross, as he was being killed by those who he loved so deeply.

Jesus came to heal and transform people on a personal level, but also on a worldly level. He broke many of the traditions of the society of his day. He loved the outcasts; in fact, he searched them out. He did not turn away anyone. He welcomed those whom everyone else wanted to turn away. He talked to those who no one else wanted to talk to. He did not hate anyone. While some people might have frustrated him, he always showed love towards everyone.

Whether you believe in Jesus or not, I hope that before you judge anyone that you interact with, that you stop and think. The next time you want to judge someone, imagine that the person you are interacting with is living through the worst day of his or her life. You never know… By showing a little kindness towards someone or doing a random act of kindness, you could truly transform that person’s life.

I want to end this blog with one of my favorite passages in the Bible. It is quoted often during sermons about love, but it talks about unconditional love in such a great way.

As a world, we need to strive to show everyone the kind of love that is explained in this passage. No matter who you are. No matter what you have done. No matter what you have not done. No matter where you are from. No matter what you believe in. Love is the most powerful thing we have in this world…

Love is patient, love is kind. 

It does not envy, it does not boast, 

it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, always trusts, 

always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. 

-1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV)

Can't Keep Me Down

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."

-Romans 12:2 (NIV)

I just started reading Almost Home, a book by Kevin Ryan, President of Covenant House, and Tina Kelley.  This book takes a look at the lives of six homeless youth and Covenant House, a system of shelters around the world, focused on helping homeless youth.

Fortunately, I have not had to live on the streets. But I was so close when my mom and I got evicted that we had to live in different homes of friends. Within a few months, I lived in over six homes and even before the eviction, I had lived in a few different homes after I ran away to try to get into a foster home.

I shared this morning on my Facebook about how I realized early on as a child that school was my way out from the issues and problems going on in my family. I knew that if I focused on my education, the most stable thing I've had in life apart from God, then I could possibly get out of the cycle and do something awesome with my life. I knew that without money I had no chance to go and since I grew up in a poor home, I had to work hard to get scholarships. My grandparents did save up money for the education of me and my brothers, but that money ultimately went towards drug addictions and my oldest brother's funeral costs. Having a dead-beat dad not paying child support did not make matters any better either...

As I watched my last family member get arrested by police at 3:16 in the morning at the age of sixteen, I promised myself that I would never do drugs or drink or let them rule over my life. To this day, I have never even touched alcohol or drugs. I did not sleep that night but I went to school the next day. I remember that the police came searching my home at 3:16am, because even though I felt extremely worried, scared and alone, the verse John 3:16 came to my mind the second I looked at my alarm clock and a sense of peace overwhelmed me.

I've had a lot of naysayers in my life, telling me that I wouldn't make it. Even people who encouraged me I often felt that inside, they thought I wouldn't break the cycle and get out of my situation. People still today ask me how I've made it so far having grown up in the type of home I did.

But am I mad at those naysayers?

Actually, not at all. 

Having people who told me that I would not make it just fueled my motivation to prove them wrong and to depend on God for the strength and courage necessary to keep going in a positive direction.

Granted, I have had quite a few people who have taken time out of their lives to encourage me, listen to me, pray with me and support me. It is difficult to put into words what it meant and still means to have people care so much after being treated like I was and am not a person to be cared for, someone unworthy of true love and compassion... I have definitely had points in my life where I felt like a nobody and that all of my hard work was for nothing.

This life is not easy by any means, but we are blessed to live life, no matter how difficult it gets. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second is a precious gift from God. 

Even more so, we are so incredibly blessed to have a God who is there for us 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. He is not only there, but He is all around us and within us.

My greatest prayer while growing up in the situations I did was that God would use the situations to help me become more Christlike. If you think about it, Jesus broke all the traditions in society.

I was thinking about this earlier today and it occurred to me that I have broken quite a few "traditions" of society. When I was a teenager, I was known as an "at-risk" teenager due to my problems at home. But now I am a doctoral student (a female engineer) studying in one of the most difficult fields of study.

We do not have to let our circumstances rule our lives.

I had all the excuses in the world to end up in jail, dealing drugs or living on the streets.

But I did not want to.

I have always felt called by God for more. I've always felt that there's a much greater purpose for my life. So through the worst of times, I kept moving forward and today, I am thriving. Whenever the good Lord does take me home, I hope that I have left this world and the people who I interacted with in a better state than before I came into this world.

As I observed and lived through my family falling apart due to drugs and alcohol, the following verse really helped me to continue to keep my eyes, ears, soul, mind and spirit focused on God.

"And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit"

-Ephesians 5:18 (KJV)

When we are filled with the Holy Spirit, magical things can happen.

One of the greatest influential people in my life once said that everybody has things that they deal with that are out of their control, but what we can control are our reactions to those things.

While I am not perfect in so many ways, I am glad to have the strength of God to help me through my trials and to help me break the cycles within my family.

In Christ, we are called to be separated from this world because we realize that we are not of this world. Our home is so much more than the places we live on this earth.

Throughout my teenage years, I listened to a lot of emo, rap and punk rock songs and the following song really helped me overcome my struggles as a teenager. This song came into my life at the perfect time. Every time I listen to this song, it reminds me that we do not have to let the negativity bring us down and most importantly, keep us down. Whenever somebody says or does something very hurtful towards us, we have a choice: we can let them keep us down or we can continue to get up and keep fighting for a better day. I know that this song is far from a Christian song (there is a curse word in the song), but this song has been an important song in my life.

No matter what comes into your life or however many times you fall down, I hope you continue to get back up, allowing the arms of the Healer to lift you up.

The Bigger Picture

“Disasters clarify our values, challenge our faith, and reveal who we really are. If we are rooted in the promises of Jesus, we can endure.”

-Erwin Lutzer, Where Was God?

I just finished Erwin Lutzer’s book, Where Was God? in which he addresses philosophical questions about how natural disasters fit in with the character of God.

If you’re “normal” like me and millions of other human beings on this earth, when we see natural disasters occurring around the world, we ask how a caring God can allow such things to happen.

I am not God so I do not know everything about why natural disasters happen, but what I do know is that disasters on every level on this earth can be used by God to teach us and to help us learn more about ourselves, the world and who God is.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” – Genesis 50:20 (NIV)

This verse was said by Joseph, who went through an entire series of very difficult events in his life. He was sold into slavery by his brothers, by his own family. Joseph continued to overcome obstacle after obstacle and by the grace of God, he came to be the second most important person under the Pharaoh.

This quote is what he said to his brothers. This verse has so much meaning to me and so many other people because so many times, we are hurt by other people. However, God truly can turn the most difficult things in our lives into blessings. I have encountered this in my own life.

When my family was evicted the summer before my senior year of high school, we quickly had to figure out where I would stay for the summer. The mother of a friend of mine at church helped me to get connected to a camp for children and adults with special needs. I also had been set up to go on a mission trip to build homes in the Appalachian area for people who needed them.

The day I found out we were evicted, I was so incredibly frustrated, so angry. How could God let this happen? Didn’t He care?

That summer will forever be etched in my memory as one of the best summers I have ever lived through. It was not easy, but it was so blessed. I fell in love with everyone I worked with at the camp. Many of the other camp counselors were from other countries and they asked me how I was volunteering as a camp counselor for free. I told them that I did not care about the money. Seeing smiles on the faces of the campers, receiving their hugs, and having a bed to sleep on with a roof over my head meant more than any money could give. Helping build a porch and working on a team of my peers and some adults from my church was more than I ever could have wished for that summer.

You really never know how God is going to use the obstacles in your life.

Growing up in a family that did not have a lot of money taught me that money is just a material thing that can be used to obtain material possessions. Our worth in this life is not defined by this material thing. Rather, I believe that most of the valuable things on earth are immaterial.

These immaterial things include our capacity to love, our capacity to care, our capacity to share the love of God, and our capacity to forgive those who have harmed us very deeply. Time is immaterial as well and without time, we would be nothing. Without God, we are nothing. Without God’s love, we are nothing.

Two of the most well-known and most used Scripture verses are the following:

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

-Romans 8:28 (KJV)

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

-Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

How many times have you just wished that you could snap your fingers and all your struggles could go away? All your illnesses would go away in a second? All your anger, your deep hurts and resentments would go away in a flash?

I sure have… But that is not what these verses are saying.

I am not saying that miraculous healings don’t occur. I fully believe that God has all the power in the world to take all the negative things out of our lives in a second.

So why does He not do that?

While I am not God, I can say from my experiences that going through the difficult times in my life truly helped me and continue to help me learn about God. The trials allow me to grow closer to Him and to truly see how His strength helps me through them.

Many people see the verses above and believe that once they believe in God and once they surrender their lives to Him that everything’s just going to magically be perfect.

I don’t believe that’s it.

I believe that when you truly trust God, love Him and communicate with Him on a deep level, it does not matter how much money you have, what kind of car you drive, how many children you have, how many friends you have… None of that matters, because you realize that God’s love is so much greater, so much deeper, so much wider, so much higher than all of that.

The trials that you and I face are seen through our eyes in the present time. A lot of times, I just feel so overwhelmed by the struggles in my life that I lose sight of the “bigger picture.”

If you’ve ever been on an airplane and looked out the window and seen the horizon with all the little houses and the little cars, you know what I mean by this bigger picture. We get so bogged down by daily chores and errands that we forget the bigger picture of life. We even may forget who holds our past, our present and our future.

We truly have nothing to fear even through the most difficult times, because God holds our lives, the lives of those around us, this world we call home and this universe we live in within His hands. All of it is within His ultimate control.

I want to leave you with a song that I have listened to many times lately and it got me through my recent hospitalizations.

The Twenty Dollar Bill

“First, [Mary Magdalene] was clean: the inner emotional turbulence had ended, and her tormented soul was at peace. Second she was given the gift of dignity and value. After years of hopelessness, she found someone who could free her. Someone who saw in her something worth saving, redeeming and loving…the weight of the world had been lifted from her fragile shoulders. It no longer mattered what others thought of her.” 

–Dr. Erwin Lutzer and Rebecca Lutzer, Jesus Lover of a Woman’s Soul

I read this quote earlier today as I sat at the lake. As I read these words, it really became apparent that God is doing this very same thing in my life. I often struggle with feeling not worth enough, not good enough, not this enough, and not that enough. In the process of trying to “fit in” with the people around me, sometimes my insecurity gets the best of me and I may boast about something that I did or do well.

But God loves humility. Think about it. Think about how different our world would be if Jesus had been all prideful and went around boasting about how many people he had healed or how many miracles he had performed.

As I have said in previous blogs, this Lent has been a journey in ridding myself of pride and the insecurities that lead me to be prideful. I know I have hurt many people in the process of trying to make myself feel less insecure. Each day, God is teaching me more and more about Himself . How powerful HE is. How gracious HE is. How loving HE is. How wonderful HE is.

This life is not all about us. It is about making some difference in the world we live in. This world we have been blessed to live on. And yeah… it is difficult.

I spent the past 9 days or so in a hospital and I cannot describe how blessed I feel to be alive… not only alive but that I can walk, talk, eat, run, read, write, draw, take photographs. I even have a smartphone! I am blessed beyond belief by God. People say I have a very difficult life, but there are people who have it much worse. This life is not easy and all of us deal with our own obstacles, but we have a God who is so much bigger than any of the obstacles we deal with here on earth.

A reason I really liked the quote above was that it broke what Jesus did for Mary Magdalene into two parts: cleansing/refreshing and the gift of dignity and value.

I personally struggle sometimes to feel worth it. Deep inside, I do not feel clean. I do not feel worthy of God’s love, especially because of all the mistakes I have made. It’s in those times that I remind myself that God forgives me. He already did. And He does. I believe that sometimes the most difficult forgiveness is actually forgiving myself.

The second part- the gift of dignity and value- is also something that I struggle with. So often I try to find my value in how other people view me. Do they like me? What do they think of me after that? Did I say the wrong thing? What do they think of me now?

Put simply, our greatest worth is found in God. I am God’s child. You are God’s child. We all have worth more powerful than any material possession we can find here on earth. The closer I feel to God, the less I care about what other people think of me, because God’s love is so much bigger, so beyond anything else on this earth that it fulfills me to the core. No matter what I’ve done, no matter what others have done to me, He loves me and always will. And that goes for you as well.

I’d like to end this post with something I heard many years ago at CreationFest, a festival with Christian music and speakers.

The speaker, who I cannot remember right now, held up a twenty dollar bill. He spat on it, crumpled it up, threw it on the ground, and moved his foot all over it, stomping on it and kicking it around. He then held it up and asked how much the bill was worth. The answer was that it was still worth twenty dollars.

That powerful illustration still encourages me to this day, because I (as well as so many) have felt spat on, crumpled up, thrown out and kicked around. I have had moments of being used, abused and taken advantage of.

But do those moments change how much you or I are worth to God and worth to this world?

Not at all.

When you find your worth in God, it truly does not matter how much money is in your bank account, if you have the perfect shirt or pants, or the perfect face. Because when you find your worth in God, you realize how precious and how fearfully and wonderfully created you really are.

Listen to God, because He always says, “You are worth it. You are my precious child. Nothing in this world, absolutely nothing can ever or will ever take away your worth. Find your dignity and value in me, not the things of this world.”