The Good, The Bad and the Mania

“My mania, at least in their early and mild forms, were absolutely intoxicating states that gave rise to great personal pleasure, an incomparable flow of thoughts, and a ceaseless energy that allowed the translation of new ideas into papers and projects.”

-Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind

As I read these words, I was reminded of my travels just a few months ago. Last June, my mother, I and a few other people who knew me well became suspicious that I may have been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. I went through neuropsychological testing with a psychologist. The results of that testing revealed that I had Asperger’s syndrome and I became undiagnosed with bipolar disorder. The test results were “counterindicative of bipolar disorder.”

So I went off my bipolar medications…

Thus entered the journey of this year…

I slowly weaned myself off of lithium, Risperdal and Prazosin. Lithium is a mood stabilizer, Risperdal an antipsychotic and Prazosin a medication used to treat nightmares and flashbacks of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I started walking a lot and then began running. So much so that I signed up for my first half Marathon. I guess then some people may have had their suspicions that I was manic. In fact, some asked, but my reply always was that the testing was counterindicative of it- I couldn’t have it. Everything seemed so good. To everyone, it looked like being off the meds was helping me. I was energetic and very lively. Often I felt like things were too good to be true. I felt so great. I was losing the weight that I gained on the medications. I quickly dropped to 105 pounds in a few months. I dove into my new job, working sometimes 10 or 11 hours a day. Nobody questioned that. But maybe they were suspicious.

But then came the bad side of mania… The psychotic and paranoid side of mania. That part of the mania that I hated with a passion. That part which I was so scared of. That part which I didn't know existed but I may have felt twitches of it earlier on in my life. When I entered that part of the mania- the unspeakable side- I had no choice but to come to terms with the fact that I had been manic and indeed, being bipolar is another part of my life.

Due to two extremely serious psychotic episodes in which I lost all function and capacity to think clearly, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, and PTSD. The two of these disorders are mixed and together, become extremely serious. For those who are not familiar, schizoaffective disorder is a disorder in which one exhibits symptoms of both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I often wondered if I had a form of schizophrenia- always had my suspicions. Even one of the students I tutored told me that I write like a schizophrenic- don't really know what that means. Needless to say, schizoaffective disorder is a complex disorder and I often wonder why God would allow me to have even more struggles.

But I press on…

Always…

Never, never give up and always, always move forward…

I was placed back on lithium and a new antipsychotic. I am having similar side effects to the meds I was on before, but this time, my stability is more important to me. I have no choice but to take the meds.

You see, it’s very difficult to make friends when I am in and out of hospitals. People don't know how to respond to my psychotic ideas and delusions. When I was having symptoms of bipolar disorder, people didn’t know which Chelsea they were going to meet- the happy, go-lucky, on top of the world, overly productive and enthusiastic Chelsea or the depressed, this world stinks, I want to sleep all day and crawl up in a ball Chelsea. People didn’t know if I would be in the hospital today or the next day. And so until my medications have been smoothed out, I was often avoided. In a way, I understand.

As my therapist and I discussed earlier this week, stability is very important in this life. Relationships require stability. Jobs require stability. And as I move forward, stability is key for my success on this earth.

“I cannot imagine leading a normal life without both taking lithium and having had the benefits of psychotherapy. Lithium prevents my seductive but disastrous highs, diminishes my depressions, clears out the wool and webbing from my disordered thinking, slows me down, settles me out, keeps me from ruining my career and relationships, keeps me out of a hospital and makes psychotherapy possible.”

-Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind

Though I often miss the “high” of my manic episodes, the amazing memory that I had that is now gone due to the medications, only sleeping 4 or 5 hours to be overly productive, I am happy to say that I am stable and moving forward. I have to agree with Kay Redfield Jamison that taking lithium is key to living a productive life. I have no other choice. Since I have been on it once again, I have been able to manage putting the shattered pieces of my life together- the pieces that were torn and shattered by my mania, psychosis and paranoia.

Sometimes, I feel the need to look behind me as I walk down the street, a bit paranoid that I am being followed- only a bit of my mania peeking through in my head, but when I am on the medications, I am able to function and be a productive person in society, which is key in this life. I am able to stay out of a hospital and each day I can stay out of one is a huge blessing from God.