Spreading Love and Hope

"You have gone through more than anyone I have ever met."
"I have never heard of someone going through so much as you have."
The list goes on of similar things I have heard from people all throughout my life.

I am not out for pity. I am not quite sure if I am even out for empathy, but definitely not sympathy.

Yes, I have been through a lot in my 25 years. But more than that, I have been blessed 10 fold. It may not seem that way but nearly 5 years ago, I nearly took my last breath. The doctors said I hit a tree, which broke my fall. My back was broken and several of my vertebrae were shattered. They took multiple MRI scans to make sure I did not require surgery. I walked two days later, once they created my body cast that I would wear for the next 3 months. I was not supposed to walk or ever run again. And I will repeat, I was not even supposed to be alive.

But I am...

Getting up from that fall was difficult, but it was somewhat of a turning point in my life. I walked at my college graduation, with a GPA of 3.736, one of the highest, Magna Cum Laude in the Honors Program. I received numerous awards. I had a full ride, full salary position to get my PhD, straight from my Bachelors, which is somewhat unheard of.

But things in this life are not perfect. I received my Masters last December and am currently not working due to mental health issues. But that is absolutely no reason to pity me. Some days are hard, some days are easier. But who of us cannot say that about their own lives? So why would you pity me?

Instead I want to spread hope, hence the title of this blog, which I chose over a year ago. Hope is what carries us through whatever we are going through, whether it be a breakup, a hospitalization, a difficult professor, or even the loss of a loved one. To me, there are not levels of pain. We all experience pain and to compare is to try to minimize our own situation instead of allowing ourselves to feel what we need to feel and express what we need to express.

I understand that some people say "well, at least I'm not as bad off as them." "Them" may be people living in third world countries or wartorn countries. Whoever "them" is to you (if you do this), let me ask you a question. What are you grateful for? What brings you hope? And now an even deeper question which I have pondered many times... Instead of sitting around wondering about the people around the world who are "worse off" than you, what can you do for them? (And trust me, you can).

With the internet growing at nearly impossible speeds, we have access to change the world for the better, instead of getting stuck in our own little worlds (which I have done myself- I know the term "pity party"). Our society (primarily Western culture) is absorbed with immediate answers and pleasures (a.k.a. me, me, me all the time!).

And what I'm saying about changing the world does not even have to be limited to third world countries. Saying a kind word to a stranger or even a loved one can lift their spirits. Opening a non-automatic door for a woman pushing a stroller may make her day and make her feel cared for, even only for an instant. Calling an elderly woman or visiting a nursing home can help people feel loved and cared for.

I used to volunteer on a prayer line. I was so terrified my first time someone called me (in the comfort of my own home, no less). But I had prayed for the Holy Spirit to speak through me for 10 minutes prior. People cried and said what I prayed was beautiful but it was not me.

No matter what religion or non-religion you believe/non-believe, we are in this world to not just tolerate each other but to love each other. That is what all of the most well-known prophets throughout our history have taught. Love.

So what is my main point for this post? I started off with my own story of struggle to success (me, me, me) and then I expanded the idea that all of us go through times of struggle (none larger than the rest mentality) and ended with how we can be grateful for our lives and spread hope throughout every corner of this world. If you've turned on the news in the past few weeks, you know we need to do this more than ever.

Love of God

"In a world filled with turmoil and hopelessness, we are to pray, and we are to do all we can to alleviate suffering and bring Christ's love to others."
-Billy Graham, Hope for Each Day, Feb. 6 Devotion

I know quite a few people who are suffering.

It is our duty on this earth to help others and make sure others know about the love of God. We make His love known through how we live our lives.

In every interaction we have, we have an opportunity to shine Christ's light and love in this world. We have a choice to make of whether or not we want to help others.

I think it is a privilege to be able to help others. Every day, I try to make sure I help at least one person. It's not how good I am but how good God is.

Some know that I have been close to death a few times. I often feel as if I am on borrowed time. So I make the most of every day...

Hippy Jesus

"Jesus was drawn to those who were powerless, those who were marginalized, those who needed help and admitted it. The same is true today."
-Rebecca Lutzer, Jesus, Lover of a Woman's Soul

As I read this just a few minutes ago, I was reminded of many conversations that I've had over the years with friends about Jesus and what He stood/stands for.

A few months ago, I was talking to one friend who is an atheist, he said that he liked my idea of Christ, much like the one above, calling it a "Hippy Jesus." I do not necessarily think of Jesus as a hippy but rather someone who cares and understands us on a deeper level than anyone can. He accepts our faults and loves us regardless of them. He welcomes the ones who others do not welcome. He opens his arms to all and loves the marginalized, the hurt and the desperate.

One reason I like this quote is that Jesus was drawn to "those who needed help and admitted it." The first step of AA is that people realize that they need help. They become willing to fix what they are doing wrong in order to become better people. Jesus opens his arms to those who seek help.

We all have faults but Jesus looks past them and loves us as we are.

Today, instead of finding faults in others, embrace those who you would not normally embrace, love those who you would not usually love and share the love of God with everyone you encounter.

What Love Is

"No one has ever done more to show you that you were unloved than God has done to show you that you are loved."
-Beth Moore, Breaking Free

Have you ever been hurt? Have you ever been in pain because of someone else? Have you ever had someone say something that made you cry because it hurt so bad? Have you ever wondered what love really is?

I have and I'm sure you probably have.

But as much as others have hurt you, God has shown you love even more. I know this is true for me.

I think it's quite a miracle actually.

God has shown me love through the most difficult circumstances someone could go through. He has shown me His grace and mercy in the most challenging and arduous times. He has shown me what love is when I didn't know what it was. He has brought people into my life that showed me what it means to be loved.

Accepting Oneself

I am mentally drained from school this week and my week is not done yet. I handed in a 20 page homework full of mathematical calculations yesterday and I have an exam tomorrow that I've been studying for all week. But I took a break and went to Bible study last night.

We are reading The Ragamuffin Gospel and so far, the book is amazing. It has really opened my eyes in many ways.

One quote really stuck out to me while reading.

"When we accept ourselves for what we are, we decrease our hunger for power or the acceptance of others."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

To tell you the truth, I don't know if I've truly accepted myself. I worry a lot about what others think about me and that tends to be because of my paranoia and psychosis. I still worry if people are spreading rumors about me. Deep down, I don't think I feel worthy of others' love and affection. I often feel like a burden to others. I feel like if I open myself up and tell others what I'm dealing with, I become a burden. I feel that the only way people can show me love is if it's superficial or that they "have to."

But God's love is different. He is opening my eyes to this fact. God loves us in a deep way and we are never a burden to Him. He won't spread rumors about us. He cares about us when no one else will. He created us and loves us deeply.

Through this realization, I am continuing to move forward and learning to accept myself. It's not an easy task but it's worth every moment.

Unjudgmental Unconditional Love

"[C.S. Lewis] notes that there is someone I love, even though I don’t approve of what he does. There is someone I accept, though some of his thoughts and actions revolt me. There is someone I forgive, though he hurts the people I love the most. That person is me. There are plenty of things I do that I don’t like, but if I can love myself without approving all I do, I can also love others without approving of all they do… No matter what a person has done, God’s uncensored grace is available. No matter what they are going through, there is hope.”

-Jud Wilhite

I just finished reading unChristian and I found this quote in the chapters about Christians being judgmental. Sometimes we are so quick to judge others, even though we may have the same issues.

I love that Jud points out that what we've done (or not done) doesn't stop God's grace and mercy from entering our lives in a powerful way. God's grace is more powerful than anything else we can experience, I believe, because sometimes it makes no sense. 

Why would God love us despite all we've done? Despite all of our shortcomings?

Because He does.

He created us and molded us. 

Have you ever created something you loved? You poured your heart and soul into making it, shaping it, drawing it, etc. At the end, you see it as a masterpiece and you want to do all you can to take care of it. It might fall down and break a bit, but you still love it. You still care for it.

God loves us despite our shortcomings. God loves us despite our sins and mistakes. There is nothing more powerful than that. And we are called to love others despite their sins and mistakes. None of us are perfect. We are called to show unconditional love towards those around us, those we interact with.

We may not always agree with others, but one thing we can agree on is that we all need to be loved.

Spread a Message of Love

As many of you know, I am reading the book unChristian, a book about what nonChristians believe about Christians and Christianity as a whole. Some of the topics are controversial and I want to blog today about one such topic. I usually try to steer away from controversy but this is a very important topic to me.

Many nonbelievers believe that Christians are antigay. As a Christian who grew up in the church, I have been taught that homosexual acts are sins. However, I have sinned and therefore I believe I have no place to judge others about their sins. As a Christian, I am called to love everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation. Love, not just tolerate.

“We are all sinners. No one is any more likely or less likely to receive God’s free gift of grace. All have fallen short of God’s standards.”

-David Kinnaman, unChristian

 There is one passage that often comes to my mind when thinking about sins.

“Jesus went across to Mount Olives, but he was soon back in the Temple again. Swarms of people came to him. He sat down and taught them. The religion scholars and Pharisees led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery. They stood her in plain sight of everyone and said, “Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?” They were trying to trap him into saying something incriminating so they could bring charges against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, “The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone.” Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt. Hearing that, they walked away, one after another, beginning with the oldest.”

-John 8:1-9 (MSG)

In this passage, Jesus tells the men who were going to stone the adulteress that if they are without sin, then they can stone her. But all of them left, because all of them had sinned. Jesus showed grace towards the woman who sinned. This passage is important because I believe that in the same way, we are called not to judge others for their sins because we all have sinned. We all should drop our stones and walk away.

We need to spread love, not hate. Jesus never had a message of hate.

Jesus reached out to the outcasts, the marginalized, the judged, the destitute, the homeless, the lonely, the desparate… and I believe He calls us to do the same today. As a Christian, I believe I am called to show unconditional love towards everyone I interact with.

Am I perfect? No not at all. And that’s why I need Jesus in my life. I need His help to get through every day and to unconditionally love those around me.

Where Is The Love?

I just began reading unChristian by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons. I first became interested in reading this book when I heard a sermon about it at my home church in NJ last summer. I have been looking for the book ever since then but was unable to find it in local libraries. I finally came across it at a book fair.

This book is quite, I don’t know how to say it, hard to read at times… hard to digest in some ways?!?

The book discusses how the Christian faith and Christians in general are viewed by people who are not Christian.

One of the interviewees said, “Christians have become political, judgmental, intolerant, weak, religious, angry and without balance. Christianity has become a nice Sunday drive. Where is the loving God, the Holy Spirit, an amazing Jesus, the love, the compassion, the holiness?”

While I can’t say that I am a perfect Christian by any means, I hope that my actions and words can represent God somehow.

When I was going through a lot of struggles a few years ago, I kept asking one of my best friends why she cared about me so much, why she spent so much time listening, why she didn’t judge me. Her answer was that she wanted to show unconditional love towards me. She saw that the horrible things I had gone through as a child made it hard for me to know what unconditional love is.

I can tell you that my friendship with her really did help me to understand what it means not to be judged or seen as less than. Unconditional love goes much deeper than that.

A question from the book that really got me thinking was “What is missing in our portrayal of the Christian faith to new generations?”

I’m not going to answer that question because I think it’s personal for each of us, but I will say that I wish and hope that the unconditional love that God shows towards us is portrayed to those around us. I wish that love, not hate, was spread. I wish that we would learn to not judge but rather love those around us- no matter who they are, where they come from, what they’ve done, what they’re doing. I wish that we could spread the love to the people who need it most.

We need more unconditional love in this world.

Conscience

“Conscience is a compelling feeling of obligation that is always based in our proclivity to bond with others, our (nearly) universal ability to love. Once we understand the true nature of conscience, we can appreciate that it is precisely our capacity to form emotional attachments that gives rise to moral character.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

Reading this quote, I find it interesting that one of the first things that is affected by my paranoia is my conscience. The voices that I hear when I’m psychotic tell me I’m an awful person,  that I don’t deserve to live, etc. It doesn't help that the voices I hear are those of people I've known.

It’s like my conscience is on overdrive.

In one of my hospitalizations, I walked around to all the other patients and told them I was sorry for hurting them. I remember one woman telling me, "But you helped me."

After awhile, I tend to believe the voices though. Maybe I am a bad person.

A few weeks ago, my mom and I were talking on the phone and she kept reminding me that I’m a good person. She also reminded me that others are generally good people, and they would not be spreading rumors or trying to make my paranoia worse.

I genuinely care about others. I believe we are put on this earth to help others along our path.

It bothers me that people are homeless when there are so many vacant homes. It bothers me that I have enough food to eat when others are starving. It bothers me that I have shoes to wear and others are walking around without shoes. It bothers me that I am free and there are millions of slaves around the world.

I want to do something to help. That’s why I’ve walked nearly 600 miles this summer for different charities. That's why I donated my hair to cancer patients. That's why I've donated blood four times this year and I'm going to try again tomorrow.

I want to be the change I wish to see. I want to make a real difference.

I want to spread love.

I may have gone through a lot of obstacles in my life, but I am very fortunate. I want to help others because I feel so blessed. A pastor said to me when I was younger, “You’re going to be a lover of people.”

I want to testify to the love that we can find in God, the love that I’ve found in Him. The love that carries me through difficult times. The love that knows no bounds. Endless love. The love that gives life meaning.

Transformative Love

I came across the following quote in my journal...

"The prostitute's tears cleansed the feet of the most perfect man on earth; His forgiveness cleansed the soul of the most sinful woman in town! She instantly made the transition from self-loathing to peace when Jesus forgave her and restored her dignity."
-Rebeeca Lutzer, Jesus Lover of a Woman's Soul

As someone who has suffered abuse for many years, I often deal with shame and feelings of guilt. But something that I have been realizing these past few months is the beauty in Jesus's redemption. Redemption to me means that I am no longer guilty or dirty, but cleansed.  The past is over and done with. 

God can turn the impure into pure. He can turn the impossible into the possible. He can transform the broken into a beautiful masterpiece. He is bigger than anything we will be faced with.

God is helping me understand my past in a different way. I've often blamed myself for the abuse I endured, partly because I was told it was all of my fault. Slowly I am learning that I did not cause any of it. And it's not my fault. I was an innocent child who was taken advantage of. The feelings of guilt and shame are slowly going away as God is restoring me. He is renewing my life and helping me work through the feelings that accompany many years of abuse.

Something that spoke to me is that Jesus allowed the prostitute to wash his feet, something that at the time was seen as making him unclean. He allowed it. He welcomed her. He cared for her. He forgave her sins. He didn't see her as an outcast. As someone who has been abused and who has often felt too unclean for God to love me, this story means a lot to me.

To me, redemption means a clean slate. It means that no matter what happened in the past, it's in the past. Even if it made us impure. Even if it hurt us. Even if we are unclean. God loves us no matter what.

I want to share a song that means a lot to me that relates to this. It's called At the Foot of the Cross.

The Father's Love

The following is a passage in my journal from a few months ago:

I've been taken advantage of so many times, hurt so many times, betrayed so many times that it is sometimes just so difficult to think that there is someone greater than this earth that truly cares about me and loves me in a kind way, with no ulterior motives and no plan to hurt me.

Most of the times I feel God are in the quietest, simplest moments in life. Lately, it's been my moments sitting at the lake or stargazing... I feel completely at peace and am filled with God's love and hope. 

If I had to describe feeling God, it's that I feel this warmth envelop me and sometimes I get chills and feel His presence. I get this sense of calm and peace, even if everything around me is chaotic. There's usually little going on and it feels like it's just me and Him. Other people can be around but they don't usually matter in these moments because I'm so focused on the love I feel in His presence.

The love and hope and peace I feel in those moments is so completely different from how I felt in the presence of my earthly father or how I felt during his abuse. With him, I feel completely terrified, my heart starts pounding, I feel intensely ashamed, like an entire part of me has been taken away- missing or destroyed. I feel hopeless, like I'm just living- nowhere near the thriving feeling I feel in God's presence.

In God, I feel cleansed, refreshed and renewed. I feel a hope I never thought I would ever feel when I was a child. I get excited about life and what God will do in my life, where I will go. I'm not just merely trying to make it through the day. I feel a huge sense of joy. I don't feel trapped in a dark room- my hands are free- I can raise my arms to praise the One who has freed me, rescued me and is redeeming me. The love I feel in God's presence is nothing like the love I thought I was receiving from my earthly father. He wanted control and to feel powerful over me and he stole a part of me. But God is continually making me feel whole again.

He's taking that huge gaping hole in my soul- the shattered pieces, the brokenness, the frustrations, the endless anxiety, the panic, the horrible memories, flashbacks and nightmares- and He is filling it with His love, peace, hope and joy. He's giving me the strength I need to overcome and to keep on fighting so that I do not feel trapped and alone or that nobody cares. In His presence, I know that there is One who cares more deeply for me than anyone on earth ever can. He can cleanse me like no one can. I think the greatest thing about God and being in His presence is that He is everything I've always wanted in my earthly father.

He is proud of me and not just because I did what he told me to to. He's not going to beat me up if I don't do something He wants me to do. He's not going to use me just to hurt me or because I'm smaller than Him. He has a lot of power but He doesn't use it to harm me. He softly and tenderly reminds me and shows me what true love is...I've spent most of my life wondering what it's like to have a father who loves me...The truth is that I do have a loving father who shows me unconditional love every moment of my life.

If I mess up, he doesn't beat me up, tell me I'm stupid or say I'm good for nothing except to be used and abused. He tells me gently what's right or wrong and gently tells me how to make it better- He transforms me gently into the person He wants me to be.

He taught me right from wrong when all that my family taught me was wrong. He taught me what it means to be loved and not abused even when all I knew was not real love but a love that hurt and was not correct. He loved me and was there for me when nobody else was- when I thought all I was good for was to be used and abused, mistreated and thrown away...

When the world tells me I am not good enough, not beautiful enough, not clean enough, not pure enough, it feels so extremely good to have a heavenly Father who tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made- that I am not an accident, not a mistake, that I have a purpose in life and that He loves me.

He is breathing new life into me, making me new again...

"Let the little children come to me, 

and do not hinder them, 

for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."

-Mark 10:14 (NIV)

To Be Loved...

A friend posted this video and I wanted to share it. It is a simple yet profound video that speaks about the challenges that we each face as human beings. We often have no idea what others are dealing with.

"Even at age seven, I could see that kids preferred poverty if they were loved, rags if they were cared for, and homelessness if someone wanted them."
-R.B. Mitchell, Castaway Kid

Love is very important to us as human beings and most often, we would give anything to receive it.

Love is one of the most precious gifts that we can give to others in this life. Feeling loved, appreciated and cared for makes a huge difference in our lives. Having grown up in a household full of severe abuse, I often wondered what it meant to be loved by a father. I still do. I would give anything to know what it feels like to be truly loved and cared for by a human father.

I am very fortunate to know the love of my Father in heaven. I know that for many who grew up with an abusive father, it is difficult to trust God. For many years, it was nearly impossible to call God my Father. I could barely even say "Our Father" in church during the Lord's prayer. However, God has revealed His love for me in many ways. His love means more to me than anything and He is why I choose to fight through the rough days. He gives me the strength I need to get through each day.

To feel love means that there is someone who truly cares for you and would fight for you. That there is someone who would help you through the good, the bad and the awful. Not just here for the good. Not just here for a day or two. But here in the long run.

That kind of love means more than words can express.

As you look around yourself today, see how you can love those around you. Be a blessing to others. Treat others as if they are having the worst day of their lives. Because they might be. They might be battling with something you may know nothing about.

Take the opportunity you've been given in this life and open your heart to love.

Love in a Dark World

I just finished reading Night by Elie Wiesel. As someone who survived living in concentration camps during the Holocaust, he shared his story so that others would hear of the horror and terrible things done to the Jews.

As I read the book, it continued to make me wonder where everyone else was in the world. How could this tragedy happen? As Elie asked where God was, I myself was wondering how this could happen in this world. On a smaller scale, I went back to the abuse and neglect I survived while growing up. I had often wondered where God was. I often pleaded with God to stop the abuse. The abuse I endured continued on and off for seven years. The neglect went on for a separate three years. I often wonder why God let it continue for so long, but I am so grateful for how far I have come and that I survived my own tragedy.

One of the reasons I want to speak out about what has happened to me is so that others will find they have a voice as well. In a way, I want to be a voice for the thousands who have been silenced. So often, we are too ashamed to come forward and speak, but there is something so awesome, so empowering, so wonderful about speaking out. And it’s not only about the horrible abuse. It’s about the hope that we find by hearing others speak about how they overcame the awful and unspeakable. It's about the hope we have to offer the world as a whole.

We speak so we do not forget.

“If we forget, we are guilty, we are accomplices.” 

–Elie Wiesel, Nobel Peace Prize speech

“Having survived, I needed to give some meaning to my survival.”

–Elie Wiesel, Night

I find meaning in my survival when I have opportunities to help others. I have devoted my life to making a difference in this world and in the lives of the people around me. Lately, I have been walking a lot and raising money for various charities that feed the hungry and funds for research of AIDS, cancer and malaria. Whenever I walk, I am not only helping myself mentally, but I am helping others these charities. In a small way, I am making a difference in this world.

This morning, I had the wonderful opportunity to donate blood.

It is such a blessing to be able to donate blood because it is one of the easiest ways to save lives. With my blood type being AB+, I am a universal donor of plasma, so I went through what is called an apheresis process. As you may know, blood is made of three different components- red blood cells, plasma and platelets. The apheresis machine separates the blood into these components so that a person can donate certain parts of their blood, or they can choose to donate whole blood. I chose to donate plasma and platelets this morning.

It means more than I can say to have a chance to help others who are fighting for their lives. Each day is a struggle for me, but I cannot imagine what some of the people who will receive my donation are going through. Some may be people who have been severely burned. Some may be fighting against leukemia or another form of cancer. It matters more than I can express to be able to give back in such a small way to make a huge difference in the lives of total strangers. All I know is that I spent two short hours donating blood this morning and those were two hours well spent.

We don’t have to do anything drastic in this world. After all, you and I are only two people. But together, we can change this world. Some may call me a dreamer. But I have seen how small deeds can make a big difference. I am not trying to win a Miss America pageant. I only want to spread the message of hope and love. God has shown me love in every aspect of my life. How else can you explain that I grew up in such an unloving environment yet all I want to do is show love to others? The answer is God's love. The answer is that I have seen His light in my darkness. I have found the hope to continue living my life because of Him.

Let us not forget the horrors of yesterday, but let us walk into a more peaceful and loving tomorrow. It begins with each of us. To create a world full of love takes each and every one of us making a difference in a small way.

The greatest commandment we have been given and the greatest gift we can offer this world all comes down to one word: love.

“Greater love hath no man than this, 

that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

-John 15:13 (KJV)

Living Each Day to the Fullest

I have spent more time with God than I have in any other point in my whole life. I have experienced Him- all of Him, His love, His grace, His mercy, His peace- in a way that I have never experienced before. I know that I am transforming and becoming who He wants me to be. And in a big way, it took me giving up something that I had been holding on to for a long time- my goal to get a PhD. I'm not saying I may never get a PhD, but right now, I do not believe that is what God is calling me to do.

Lately, I've been doing some things I did as a child, like swinging. I think part of it is because I want to heal my inner child and part of it is that I want to create a new childhood. My real childhood was full of abuse. I have never told anyone this but I often refer to it as The Dark Ages. All I remember from that point in my life is darkness. Thank God I made it through those years and that I am finally healing and able to move forward. I've had points in my life when I've moved forward and healed, but I think that this time, it's on a whole new level. I feel the healing. I see the healing. I experience the healing every single day.

Lately, I've also been trying to live each day as if it were my last. Just savoring each moment as it comes. Just being still and knowing God. Experiencing God in a whole new way. Being with God from sunrise to sunset. Embracing the good and the bad. Just loving the life I have, even with all of the dark times. Loving where I am in life and rejoicing in how far I've come. Discovering things about me and the world I never knew before.

Speaking of discovery, I found a new area near the pond that I walk around- an area I never discovered until yesterday. As I walked around this area, I felt like I was walking through uncharted territory- a whole new natural oasis for me to figure out. As I walked around, I felt like a child because I didn't know what was in the area and I want to share some photos that I took of this area. I had so much fun taking these photos, even though other people probably thought I was interesting. I was actually asked the other day by a stranger if I'm taking photos for a class.

As I took the photos, I tried to capture the beauty in the little things around me. God designed this whole world for us to live in and I think that sometimes we don't always appreciate the smallest things. It's so important that as we live our lives, we don't just live with the "day in and day out" mentality, but each day, we are called to discover more about ourselves, God and the world. That is why my life has taken a very exciting turn.

And here come some baby photos of me (Lord, help us all)...

Sometimes in life we just have to laugh and have fun...

Even when we're dazed and confused...

But we need to smile and enjoy the life we have...

Seize the Moments of Today...

I hope that today is not just another day for you, but that you live it as if it is your last- that you truly savor every moment, no matter how difficult today is. Seize the day, as they say.

I want to leave you with a song that I have listened to many times. It is about living like we're dying. It's about saying "I love you" to others before it's too late. We never know when our last day will come, but what we do know is that this life is extremely precious and that we have been blessed with the life we live. God gave us this life so we need to make the most out of it.

To Find Meaning and Hope

You may or may not know that I do not have a TV. I actually have only watched probably a total of 3 or 4 hours of TV since last August. I have no idea about different TV series and I only learn about news through friends. If it's important, I hear about it. I don't miss TV and I don't really even have time to watch movies. But today, I wanted to share with you some Youtube videos that I have come across recently that have great meaning and worth.

But first, someone from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) contacted me a few days ago about my blog and they gave me some resources that may help those of you who are struggling along with me in this fight against mental illness. Please feel free to check out these resources.

They have a toolkit with various resources, including:

*fast facts about mental illness

*treatment and recovery information

*a "Voices of Recovery" page

Now for the videos...

The first video I came across a few days ago. It is an excerpt from a graduation speech and quite often, graduation speeches are some of the most inspirational speeches given anywhere, in my opinion. In this speech (without giving too much away), the speaker talks about the banality of the every day life- the "day in and day out of adult life." He says that our true education and learning lies in the choices we make and our decision to know that this life is not all about us. One of the most poignant parts of this video is when he says that maybe everyone around us is going through really difficult things as well. Sometimes it's hard to take our focus off of our own frustrations and things we're dealing with, but that is what gives our life meaning. I often try to treat others as if they're going through the worst day possible.

The second video I want to share is one that I came across that really speaks about how we view ourselves. When I go through times of depression, I am highly critical of myself and the world. It's the Negative Chelsea. The Not So Happy Chelsea. The Desperate and Alone Chelsea. I believe nobody cares about me. Nobody thinks positively about me. Everybody dislikes me. I'm unlovable.  I'm not worthy to be cared for. Nobody will ever love me just for who I am. Basically, the world is coming to an end. Or at least "my world."

But this video shows that a lot of the times, what we think about ourselves is much more critical than how others view us. What others think of us often is much greater than what we think others think of us. We are all lovable. We are all worthy of being cared for.

The last video I wanted to share is of a lovely elderly couple. The husband takes care of his elderly wife and does everything for her. It spoke to me because it is a beautiful illustration of how we are supposed to love each other in the midst of good times and the bad times. He has such an inspirational love for her that is so true and genuine. Even in the roughest of times, we need to love each other deeply and take care of each other.

I hope you enjoyed these videos as much as I have. I personally wish that more uplifting videos were shown on TV. It's videos like these that remind me of why life is so meaningful and precious- why I live day in and day out even despite all of my struggles.

I want to leave you with a picture I took this morning at the lake. I hope that you find much hope, joy, peace and love today and in the coming days.

Freedom To Soar

Today is May 1^st. And tomorrow will mark one month since I went to the hospital in April. Since January, I have been in the hospital four times, every single month. In three days, I will celebrate one month since I’ve had any paranoia or psychosis. Needless to say, I am pretty excited. (Just a tad?!?!?!)

Never mind... I want to scream it on the mountaintop. MY MEDS ARE WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today feels like a major victory and a major leap forward in the positive direction.

My mom and I talked briefly this morning on my way to a therapy appointment. I said to her during our conversation, "All I know is it's May 1st and I am not in a hospital." We both started crying, actually weeping for joy. If you have been with me through the battles in the past four months, you know why this is monumental. 

She and I talked about another miracle that happened a few months ago. A few months ago, I finally found the lake where I would spend much of my time in the past few months.

Birds have been a huge theme in my life. After my father left the house when I was six and I was recovering from his abuse, I came to love watching the movie “Fly Away Home.” It is about a little girl who loses her mother in a car accident and she falls in love with a flock of geese and helps them to fly. During the abuse that I endured as a child, I would often dissociate and imagine I was soaring in the sky like a bird. I felt like I was flying. That is how I survived and how I escaped the miserable pain. I would often have nightmares that I was being chased by “bad guys” but as soon as they became close, I would bend my knees and jump up, soon flying far away from them. I would turn around and look down at them, but the “bad guys” couldn’t fly so they were running after me on the ground. I can still feel the freedom that I felt as I flew through the sky.

During my time at the lake, I have spent a lot of time with wildlife. In March, there were a few weeks in which I would go to the lake, and at least one white bird would always come right up to me and stay with me while I was at the lake. One time there were about 9 or 10 of the white birds. Another day, I was at an opposite side of the lake and I saw hundreds of the white birds flying over the lake. My heart literally was leaping for joy. Every time I saw the white birds, my mind would be silenced and my heart would be full of peace and hope.

Except one day, my anxiety and paranoia got to be too much. There were 5 or 6 white birds above me as I walked around campus. They were hovering above me, just a little bit ahead of me. I knew I had to go to the hospital, and they literally guided me to the hospital. They hovered above me the whole way to the hospital. I don’t really remember anything about how I got to the hospital, just that those white birds helped me get there. I literally followed them to the hospital. Within a few hours of being in the hospital, I became catatonic. I did not eat, sleep or talk for two days. My body went into complete shutdown. I often wonder what would have happened if I had not followed those birds, if they had not guided me.

Now some of you may think this story is crazy, that maybe I hallucinated those birds. I kept this story hidden  inside for a few weeks, kind of because I was both in awe of what happened, but I also did not think that anyone would believe me. My mother even said she had been hesitant to ask me how I got to the hospital. The doctors were shocked that I even made it to the hospital in my condition. But I choose to tell this story about the birds because it is a true miracle, and not the first miracle God has done in my life. Also, I saw other people looking at the white birds. I know other people saw them. I had grown to love those white birds in the weeks leading up to my hospitalization.

Since I got out of that hospitalization, I have not seen the white birds as much. I feel deeply that God brought them to me at exactly the appointed time that I needed them. They brought me calm, peace and hope at a time that I desperately needed them. They were there for me.

For me, birds have always signified freedom. The freedom to soar above the storms of life. The freedom to overcome difficulties and hardships. The freedom to live through another day, no matter how difficult it is. The freedom to just be, to just soar, to just fly.

For many years, as I was being abused, I did not have that freedom. I barely had any freedom whatsoever. But as I continue to move forward, into the future that God has planned for me, I continue to feel more free each and every day. I continue to feel free to soar over my storms. I feel free to be who God called me and who He continues to call me to be.

As I celebrate a new month and a new chapter in my life, I celebrate with the birds and I celebrate the freedom I have in Christ.

The Incomprehensible Truth

The past few days have been very difficult, to be truly honest. I have had some hypervigilance and some points in my days in which I just completely started sobbing. Yesterday, before I went to the Good Friday service at my church, I spent half an hour in the shower weeping. As I weep, I feel a release of all of the burdens I have carried ever since I was a little child.

The mind and the brain are very interesting. Lately, I have felt that some people question my memories of growing up because of the fact that I had a psychotic breakdown a few weeks ago that led to my ninth hospitalization. But my memories are what led to that psychosis. Right before my hospitalization, I had flooding memories. Memories of nearly every part of my life, whether good or bad, just came into my mind and I could not stop it. The flooding was just uncontrollable. It was almost as if the neural networks in my brain were on overdrive.

As the memories came, I tried to piece them together, trying to make sense of them. Not all of them were new memories. As I tried to make sense of the memories, that was when the psychosis began.

When I was in the hospital, I thought that all of the other patients were people from all throughout my life. They even took on the voices of different people who have been in my life, people who I have not even talked to since I was a little child. Their voices were clear as day.

As I started to take the medications, the voices of the people throughout my life started to fade. The other patients and the doctors around me took on their normal voices and I “woke up.” I realized that they were not people from throughout my life. But the memories were still there and still are.

The reason I wanted to share this is because sometimes we want to know “why.” We want God to explain Himself, why He allowed very difficult things in our lives. If you watch the mass media after any disaster, they immediately try to figure out what happened and "why." As humans, I think that we always want answers, especially since so much information is available in our society. 

As my memories started flooding, I immediately wanted to explain everything. I wanted answers. I wanted the truth from lies that I have been told throughout my life. I wanted to know how all of those things could have happened to me for so long. I wanted to know why I felt like people were questioning the validity of my memories, which I have had my entire life.

But the more I asked those questions, the more I searched for the answers to “why,” the more psychotic I became. The more hypervigilant I was. The more other people questioned the validity of what my mind had pieced together with all of the memories.

Currently, I am still having a lot of memories. The other morning, I saw a picture from when I was in elementary school and the memories began flooding again. I still want the answers of “why.” Why was my family the way it was? How could all of that stuff happen to me? Where was God? Why did He not stop it? 

I still want to search for the truth. I still want justice to be served for the people who made my childhood and my life in general miserable at times. I want to know the truth, because I have been told many lies throughout my life, especially the last few years.

I read something very powerful the other day. Jesus even felt alone. He even felt what it was like to ask God where He was? Why did He not save Jesus on the cross?

"About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lemasabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”)" -Matthew 27:46 (NIV)

I think that even Jesus felt frustrated at God. At the darkest time in Jesus's life, God did not show up and take His son off the cross. He allowed His son to go through a miserable death on the cross.

The more I think about everything, the more I am coming to realize that the truth is something that I may never know. Never see. Never understand. Never fully comprehend. I do not know if I will ever know or be able to understand and explain everything that I have been through.

Because sometimes evil is incomprehensible.

The most important truth is that I am God’s child, as we all are. The truth is that we are unconditionally loved by our Creator, even when we do not trust others on this earth to love us. When God says that He loves us, He truly means it. He means it in a way that I do not think anybody could mean when they say “I love you.”

When God says that he loves me, it is usually through nature. Every time I see a sunrise or a sunset, I hear Him say “I love you.” I do not actually hear a voice, but He speaks through the beauty of the clouds. He speaks through the beauty of a butterfly flying around me. He speaks through the beauty of a white bird coming to sit by me at the lake. That is how He chooses to comfort me throughout this difficult time.

Through nature, He says to me “I am with you through this storm. I will get you through this. Keep trusting me.”

I wanted to leave this post with a song that really has helped me in many ways, especially through this time of grieving my childhood and realizing some things about my past which I have either denied or kept in for most of my life.

At the most difficult times in our lives, I believe that we truly are called to “Cry Out to Jesus.” When others do not have the words to say to us in order to comfort us, He always has the words to comfort. He is the ultimate Comforter. The ultimate Healer. The ultimate Transformer.