Overwhelming Flood

Today is a great day.

Why, you ask?

Well today marks four months since my last hospitalization. That’s a third of the year! One of my main goals with dealing with my mental illnesses is to stay out of the hospital. It has not been easy, especially with my paranoia and psychosis acting up.

But I did it!

Today has also been challenging. I woke up and realized that I ran out of lithium. I have a refill at one pharmacy, but that pharmacy is closed today. I have been on the phone with a doctor for a bit trying to get them to call in the refill to another pharmacy that's open. I NEED my medication.

Good grief!

I believe I am moving forward in a positive direction. Staying out of the hospital takes sheer determination.

And therapy.

“In therapy, before we could begin to deal with the lasting neuropsychological effects of the trauma [my patient] endured, we needed to address her mind’s subsequent conversion of an ordinary truck driver into a shadowy figure who was scheming and evil.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

One of the things I addressed in my last blog post is the belief that people are generally good.

Paranoia blocks that belief. It questions it to the core.

The negative thoughts just come. They permeate my mind like an overwhelming flood.

When I’m paranoid, I think everybody is out to get me. I think that nobody cares about me. I believe I'm the worst person on earth.

I think part of it is that I struggle with trust issues due to my past. When I told someone about some of the abuse I endured, they said to me, “I hope you can come to realize that most people you meet in life will treat you better than that.”

That’s difficult for me to believe sometimes.

I want to believe it with all of my heart, soul and mind.

But I was abused and mistreated by the people who should have cared about me the most. They should have protected me, but they didn’t.

It’s really hard to fully trust someone.

Nearly impossible.

I always have my suspicions about people. 

Maybe they’re only caring about me because they want something. 

Maybe they’re only caring because it’s part of their job. 

Maybe I really am worthless and only deserve to be used.

That’s often my train of thought. And I wish it wasn’t.

I wish I could see that I am worth it.

I want to believe it.

But when you’re mistreated for many years, it starts to get to you and you stop believing that people have your best interests at heart. I wish people understood that I want to trust them, but it’s just not that easy.

I want to trust.

I really do.

It takes all of me to trust.

But I'm willing to do anything to get rid of these trust issues.

To Be Welcomed

Today was a better day than most I've had lately.

I had therapy early this morning. I talked to my therapist about the fact that people keep licking their lips or sticking their tongue out at me, making me paranoid. Most of the conversation was her reiterating that the probability that all these strangers are aiming at me is highly unlikely. If they are sticking their tongues out at me, then there is something wrong with them, not me. She said I probably am more susceptible to focusing on it because of my PTSD.

I went to work after therapy and I saw only a few people stick out their tongue. But what was new was that I didn't become paranoid from it. I think this is because my therapist/psychologist practically nailed it into my mind how unlikely it is that others are doing it at me. I also think it's because I didn't go anywhere on Saturday so my paranoia was nonexistent. It gave my mind time to cool down.

She told me that I have social anxiety. I have to say that I agree with that. It takes all of me to go to social events and I only usually go if I have an escape route, some way to leave early if I feel uncomfortable. At social events, I usually stand or sit alone. I'm not good at small talk. Never have been. I either want to talk about deep things or just not talk. Small talk for me is awkward. Unnatural.

If I had my way, I would live at the lake... alone. Just me and God.

But that's not reality. The reality is that I have to face my fears and get up and meet the day. I need to meet the challenges I've been given. The fact is that I need to be with others, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me.

I don't think anybody truly knows how much it means to have someone sit down next to me at church or another event or how much it means to be given a hug and welcomed. As someone who feels somewhat of an outcast, it means the world. 

It means the world to be welcomed...

Moving Ahead

I don't normally blog twice a day, but I wanted to talk about a few things that I have read this afternoon that opened my eyes.

"All of our lives and all of our pain cannot be blamed on someone who neglected, abused and hurt us."
-Stephen Arterburn, Reframe Your Life

I admit that I tend to focus on the hurt that has done to me. After all, I was abused for 7 years and neglected for 3 years. Add to that the fact that I have PTSD, in which I relive the trauma every single day. Needless to say, I feel entitled to be angry about my past.

But I really do have a choice.

I can either let my father, who I haven't talked to or seen in years, continue to rule my life or I can move ahead into God's plans for my life. 

Sometimes I blame him for everything that has happened to me, but moving forward is up to me and more than ever before, I want to move ahead. I don't want to let the flashbacks rule my life anymore.

I do not think I have fully forgiven my father for everything he's done. Sometimes I still feel angry about what my mother did. I admit that forgiving may be one of the hardest things I will ever do. But it's a step that I need to take in order to live a fulfilling life.

Sometimes I pray for my father. I do not hate him. In fact, I do not hate anybody. But I also do not like him. I may not know why he did what he did to me, but I know that he is not all bad. I know that there has to be some good in him, even if I cannot see it. And I do wish and hope that he knows about God. I want him to know that God has forgiven him, even though it may take some time for me to forgive him.

"Every one of us has messed up, and we are all fellow strugglers. When we acknowledge this, we take away our entitlement to blame and shame. We take a little focus off the evil done to us, and put a bit more emphasis on the reality of today and our current struggles as fallible human beings... Without this hurt, life would still not have been a piece of cake, because we, in and of ourselves, would have sinned and made mistakes and fallen short and messed it up in other ways."
-Stephen Arterburn, Reframe Your Life

The last sentence really struck me. I always blame my horrible childhood for making me feel so hurt. I blame my father for almost ruining my life. But the truth is that we all are imperfect and no matter how much we try to live a perfect life, nobody can. We all fail and make mistakes. Sometimes I focus on how evil the stuff my father has done to me is without realizing that I am suffering because of my own imperfections.

A few months ago, my mother sent me something that talked about suffering. It basically said that we have the choice to continue to suffer or to move ahead. At first, I was frustrated that it seemed like she was blaming me for my suffering when I believed I was suffering because of what my father did. But really deep down, to come out of suffering is to change how we see what was done to us. It takes courage to leave the past behind us, especially such a difficult past. It is about realizing that we live in a fallen world and that we have a choice about how we want to live our lives.

All I know is I want to move ahead into God's beautiful plan for my life. I am done being stuck on the negative events of my past. I want to truly heal and I want to forgive.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future."

-Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Talking Back to the Negative

As I'm reading a book about reframing, I wanted to do an exercise in reframing some of my negative thoughts. To do this, I wrote down some negative thoughts that I've thought and then I'm writing back to those thoughts what I believe to be the positive truth. I wanted to share this because others may have the same thoughts. Sometimes we get stuck in the negative and it's important to get out of it.

"It is our choice how we see things and the light we allow them to cast upon our lives."
-Stephen Arterburn, Reframe Your Life

I deserve what was done to me as a child. There must be something wrong with me.

There is nothing wrong with you. Nobody deserves to be abused or neglected by their parents. It was something that happened to you, not because of you. Absolutely nobody deserves to go through what you went through, and you are very strong because of how you overcame all of it. I know it's hard to understand why all of that was done to you, but know that it wasn't because of you. In fact, God knew that you would be strong enough to overcome it.

Nobody cares about me.

First of all, God cares about you, deeper than anybody you will ever meet. And His love cannot be earned. Second, there are many people in this world who care deeply about you but sometimes your past has tainted how you see their love. Because your parents' love was often conditional, you have a hard time understanding unconditional love, but know that there are people who care about and love you without hidden motives. Open yourself up to that love. I know it's difficult to trust, but open yourself to love.

I am an accident, a mistake.

I know that you often feel like a mistake because of all the negative things in your life. You wonder why God would bring you into the world if all of this stuff was going to happen. Didn't He know? But the fact is that you were born and you are a miracle. Not a mistake. Or an accident. You've made it through some of the most difficult circumstances a human can go through and you've risen above them. And that's how I know you're not a mistake. I know your parents have treated you like you were an accident by not being there when you needed them at different points in your life, but that was their mistake. It had nothing to do with you. It had everything to do with them. And you can learn from their mistakes. You can continue to rise above, reminding yourself that God makes no mistakes.

It's easier sometimes to just give up the fight.

I know that you have attempted to take your life at various points in your life, but know that you should not give up this fight. God had a reason for bringing you into this world. God has wonderful and amazing plans for your life and you won't get to know what those are if you give up. No doubt that giving up is easier than fighting but I know that you are strong enough to continue on the path before you. Keep staying on the path. Keep fighting. Keep overcoming the struggles. Do not give up. Don't give in. I know you have the strength and will to live within you. I have seen you fight through the seemingly impossible. I know you can do it.

Things are always going to be extremely difficult.

Not necessarily. Try to stay focused on the positive. Look at how far you've come despite your challenges. Yes, your challenges were difficult but you learned from them. Life is always going to have some challenges, but that doesn't mean your life is always going to be bad. By the way, your life isn't all bad. You've met some great people. You've found a strength inside that you never knew existed. God continually uses your challenges to help you to grow and become who He wants you to be. There are reasons for the challenges in your life. You may not always understand it, but one day you might.