Last 10 Minutes

"God actually chooses people on purpose who actually cannot do what He is asking unless they allow Him to do it through them."
-Joyce Meyer, Power Thoughts

I don't know why exactly this quote stood out to me yesterday as I read it, but it did. I guess.. because maybe I still feel like the fact that I received a Masters degree is a compete miracle.

You see, what makes this achievement so special to me is that it took everything I had and that I had to overcome such tremendous odds to get it. I had to fight in order to receive it. It was not just handed to me. It only took me a year and a half to get the degree and in that time, I was hospitalized five times and missed over 2 months of school. Not only that, but I had to deal with paranoia, psychosis and mania on a daily basis.

I'm still reading Joyce Meyer's book and I have to say that I do not always agree with what she has to say, but I do agree when she says that our thoughts play a huge role in how we live. If we think negative thoughts, then our lives tend to be more negative... Ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecy?!

I made a choice that I would receive my degree and that nothing, absolutely NOTHING, could stand in my way, not even schizoaffective disorder or PTSD.

I had three major exams at the end of the semester and I realized that they could make or break me receiving my degree. I had had a previous exam earlier in the semester that I failed because I totally blanked out and could not remember anything that I had studied... Needless to say, I was scared that this would happen again.

But I got into a routine before I took my exams. I studied for many hours, going over the material again and again. I took the exams at an exam center for students with disabilities so I went there a few hours before to study. But when it came to ten minutes before the exam, I put on my headphones and jammed out to inspirational songs I have on my iPhone. I did not spend the last 10 minutes studying. Instead, I chose to listen to music so I could calm my anxiety and get in the right state of mind for my exams. This worked!... Going into the exam, I felt energetic and peaceful, ready to take it and pass. I knew I could do it.

I believe that our thoughts really do help us through difficulties and that we have a choice over what to think.

What will you choose?

Positive Outlook

"You have to stop thinking bad things are going to happen and look forward to all that is waiting for you. There's a good life ahead of you, but only if you choose to accept it."
-R.B.Mitchell, Castaway Kid

This quote stood out to me this morning, because I realized that lately, I have been thinking more positively about my future. I am really positive about moving home to NJ and finding a job.

A few months ago, my pastor said to me, "You have a story whether or not something tragic happens this year." It was in this moment that I realized that I had a choice to make about whether or not I would be positive about my future, despite my mental illness and other challenges. It made me realize that the rest of this year didn't have to be full of hospitalizations.

I had a choice.

I think it is this positive outlook that has carried me so far without a hospitalization. When I first got out of the hospital in April, each day was a challenge and I thought I was headed back to the hospital "any day now."

But now, almost 8 months later, I don't live my life like that anymore. I live it, knowing that if I take my medications and go to therapy and psychiatrist appointments, I do not have to go to the hospital. I know I can stay stable and function successfully.

I don't live my life each day wondering if I'm going to go back to the hospital anymore. I live knowing that I have a bright future despite dealing with multiple mental illnesses. I live knowing that I can stay out of the hospital.

I am graduating with a Masters in Biomedical Engineering in 7 days, despite 5 hospitalizations and dealing with schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar) and PTSD. I am not only the first person in my family to graduate from college but I am also the first one to graduate with a Masters.

There is something to be said about having a positive attitude. Nothing is impossible.