Challenging the Past

Woooooo... I am trying to recover from an intense but good therapy session earlier this afternoon. It was challenging because I talked about some of the details of the abuse I endured for most of my childhood.

I have been in and out of therapy since I was six years old. I owe my life to the many therapists that have helped me get to where I am and were there for me when my family was not. They have helped me get further than I ever thought was possible. Honestly, as a teenager I didn't know if I would make it to 18 years old. I was thinking about that earlier this week. I realized I'm 24, an age I never thought I'd get to. I thought it was out of the question.

Therapy to me is an opportunity to open up the doors to the deepest, darkest areas of your life that is hard to let anyone else into. It is a chance to try to figure things out and make sense out of the nonsensical. I personally don't like therapy unless I'm challenged in some way. I like therapy to difficult, not just going on and on about the surface stuff. Unless it's one of my first sessions with a new therapist. I like when my feelings are challenged, those dark thoughts become more positive, the lies destroyed and become seen for what they are.

While I have been in therapy for as long as I can remember, I have never actually gone through all of the details of the abuse. We always had other things to talk about like neglect, my family's alcohol and drug abuse and homelessness. But today I opened up about the abuse. When I opened up about some of the stuff I remember, it was hard. And therapy can be hard. I believe it's supposed to be difficult sometimes. It's through therapy that you grow and become more of who you are and less of what is in your past. You open yourself up to growth, change and transformation.

One of the things that surprised me about therapy today was that my therapist asked me for the details. She asked questions as I shared and I have to admit that I'm not used to that. I'm used to people just taking my abuse for what it is and not questioning how I feel about it. Most just feel terrible and don't say anything in response, because I think for most, the details are very hard to hear. 

But with my therapist, I'm not just spitting out the gritty details but there was a conversation. She asked me things that really made me question some of my beliefs and feelings. And it was helpful. In many ways. There is someone helping me make sense of the feelings I have. The anger. The frustration. The confusion. The terror. The shame.

I think the fact that most people don't say anything in response to the details of my life comes from the uncomfortable feelings that come up when one talks about an awful past full of abuse, neglect and homelessness. People just don't know what to say. I think many people don't know how to respond. And I admit that if someone came and told me the same life story, I might not know what to say.

But I wish that people didn't feel bad. I hope that by sharing about my experiences that people don't feel pity towards me but that they see how God has carried me so far. I hope they see the miracle that I call my life. Because I've made it further than I ever thought possible. I hope that they know that the impossible truly can be possible. My hope in sharing my journey of healing is that I can let others know that healing is possible.

Tomorrow will mark the end of the first month (May) that I have not been hospitalized this year. And that is a huge step forward, more like a leap. Huge progress. And I am extremely excited. My life has gotten to the point that I celebrate every good day when it comes. A good day is a huge step forward. And I have had a good day today.