A Letter to the Abused

This is a letter I wrote while in the hospital.

To those who have been abused,

I have been where you are. I have felt the despair of being made to feel inferior, used and demeaned. Trust me when I say that I have felt the great depths of the human condition. I have felt great pain but I have also felt the great heights of God's unconditional love.

You are loved. You are cherished by a power greater than yourself or I could ever be. I can tell you that this life is worth more than gold and it is worth more than what you have been through. I can tell you that you do not have to forgive, for forgiveness should never be forced. I highly encourage you to forgive though.

People are not meant or made to be abused. We were made for true agape, unconditional love- a love that knows no bounds and is there at all times.

You are deeply cared for. There are really good people out there who will love you no matter what. There are people out there who will treat you in the way you deserve to. I am one of them. I have been abused very severely and yet I know that love. I know and understand a deep love that is not sexual but rather loves without condition. A love that looks beyond mistakes and darkness. A love that drives out hate, as Dr Martin Luther King Jr. spoke of.

Hate has no place in this world. Only love can transform this world in a way that is unimaginable and beyond that which we can ever speak of or think of. Anger has a place in this world as well but forgiveness is worth so much more. Forgiveness can transform our hearts in unimaginable ways. It feels very good to release the anger that find a place in our hearts.

Release that fear and anger. It is not correct to create fear in this world. Release the fear that drives hate and anger. Release all the tension of what you have been through.

I say that I do not want people to pity me about what I have been through because pity does not get me anywhere. It is just pity. I find great strength in helping others and healing people who have been through what I have been through. I find strength in transforming the world with what little I have. To know that I have made a difference in another person's life helps all the mistakes and all the evil in my life worth it. It makes my life meaningful.

I am sorry for what you have been through. You did not deserve it. You are stronger than the circumstances you have found yourself in. You are more than the evil. You are a great person who was born todo something with your life. You do not have to change the world. All you have to do is change the world for one person. If I've met you, you've made a difference in the world because you helped me to transform the world. Please take this life seriously because you only have one. Make the most of it.

You are deeply loved. Deeply cherished for being you. You are a beautiful child of God. You are to be respected. You are wanted, needed and accepted for you. You have a place in this world. You are to be loved in an appropriate manner. You are not to be used or disrespected. You are wonderful. You are a beautiful being with feelings, emotions and behaviors. You are not an object. You are to be loved and cherished from the moment you are born to the moment you take your last breath. We all make mistakes but know that I love you.

Love,
Chelsea Kowal (Mother Chelsea)

Journey Through Trauma

I’m sitting here reading a book about paranoia and terrorism. I wanted to share a quote from the book that really struck me.

“At this point [after 9/11], for many Americans, a fire alarm in a public place… can access “stuck” memories established in a time of great fear, in a way similar to what the backfiring of a car, or holiday fireworks… can do to the brain of a shell-shocked veteran…We feel and behave in ways that are somewhat more anxious and suspicious than our usual reactions… To varying degrees, the emotional systems of our brains were overwhelmed, and our minds became more cluttered than we knew with unprocessed fragments of emotion, image and fear-laden sensation. These chaotic shards of memory soon started to be triggered , and to ambush us at unpredictable times, altering our feelings, our moods, and our behaviors.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

This is one of the best explanations of flashbacks that I have come across.

I have been dealing with nightmares and flashbacks since I was 13 years old, possibly earlier. I bought this book because I thought it might be interesting to learn more about paranoia, since I’ve been dealing with it for a few months.

Traumatic experiences alter our behaviors. They cause us to become anxious. My experiences have caused me to be paranoid.

When I was abused for 7 years, I was overwhelmed with fear and terror. That’s why I have 10-20 flashbacks a day.

Martha Stout talked earlier in the book about the fact that people have flashbacks because of unprocessed memories. I think that’s why I’m still dealing with complex PTSD. Many years later, I still haven’t been able to fully process my memories of the abuse. It's too confusing. Broken pieces.

I often wish my paranoia, psychosis, flashbacks and nightmares would just go away. Just like that. A wave of a wand and woosh! Everything goes away.

But life is not that easy.

It’s a journey.

And journeys mean that we have some ups and downs. All stories have to have conflict, or else it’s not a story. And some of us have more conflict than others. That’s just life.

No matter how much conflict you encounter in your life, you can always have hope because we have a God who loves us very deeply.

When I was abused for many years, I often thought that God was not listening to my prayers. I often felt desperate and unheard.  But God listens. My pastor said in a sermon a few weeks ago something that really helped me. She said “God journeys with us in the seeming answered and seeming unanswered prayers.”

No matter what, we are not on this journey alone.

Taking Back Control

There's something about moving to a new place that is so exciting. I've spent the last two days or so discovering things about my new place and seeing how close I am to places (or how far).

One of the things I love about my new place is that people actually decorate the outside of their apartments. So I joined the club this morning and decorated the outside of my apartment with a table and a chair that I found yesterday. It's a perfect place to sit out and read.

People at my new apartment are so nice. I've had a chance to meet quite a few of my new neighbors in the past few days and it's been a blessing. Not to mention that at my last apartment, I didn't know anyone on my floor until 3 months after I moved in. I love the environment of my new apartment.

I am currently reading a book about paranoia and terror. It was written by a trauma therapist and so I have found it incredibly interesting and helpful even though it's focused on the aftermath of 9/11. I wanted to share a passage that really spoke to me yesterday.

"The [terrorist's] strategy is that of a playground bully who targets someone for random ambush beatings. Of course, the bully may get a charge out of watching his victim suffer physically...but ultimately, it is a psychological game that he plays. What even the grade-school tyrant enjoys most is knowing that his victim feels helpless, and far too hopeless...In this way, he gains influence over another person- keeps him in a state of fear and dread, not just at the time and place of the beatings, but day in and day out."
-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

As I read this quote, I thought to myself, That's what happened to me on a smaller scale in the years of abuse I endured!

What this quote made me realize is that I really do have the control of how much power I give my abuser. It's a "psychological game." For years, I was frightened as a child, but I don't have to let that be my life for the rest of my life. That was then and this is now. It's a new day.

I've had people tell me that the abuse is not actually about the abuse but instead it's about power and control. I think I know what that means now.

I want to take back the power that was stolen from me... I feel that this new move is a great way to begin my process of taking back control.

Three Magic Words

Someone said three magic words to me yesterday.

Not "Thank you, ma'am."

Not "I love you."

But "I believe you."

When people have been through so much trauma as I have, sometimes it's hard to believe everything I've been through. I first started telling a few people about my childhood trauma when I was 13 years old since I started to have nightmares and flashbacks. Mostly, I was met with opposition and disbelief. I felt like my voice was not heard. I doubted myself. My father said to me often during the abuse that nobody would believe me. I started to think he may be right.

I don't think it's that people mean harm when they tell me they don't believe me but rather they don't want to believe that someone has gone through so much. They don't want to believe it happened for so long. They don't want to think that nobody tried to stop it.

I endured 7 years of abuse by my father and oldest brother. I was neglected for 3 years by my mother. I grew up in a family of drug dealers, alcoholics and drug addicts. I lost my oldest brother to suicide. I've been homeless. I've been diagnosed with multiple serious mental illnesses.

Put simply, I've been through a lot and continue to fight to this very day.

But when somebody says "I believe you," it means so much to me. It means that my voice is being heard and that my father was wrong. It means that there really are people out there who care enough to listen. It validates me and tells me I'm not crazy like my father wants me to believe.

The one thing I've realized by going through everything and dealing with peoples' reactions is that you should believe someone if they care enough to share their story, no matter how hard it is to believe.

It kills you inside when you're not believed. It strikes to the core and you start to not believe yourself. For me, it's also been a part of my paranoia. When I was psychotic in the hospital, the voices were telling me I was lying, so I told all the doctors that I lied about what happened. The voices made me doubt myself. The voices made me believe I was a horrible person.

When I hear "I believe you," it gives me a lot of hope that things will get better.

A Healing Journey

My paranoia is nonexistent currently. It feels so great. A lot of people say "it gets worse before it gets better" and that was very true of my experience. Late last week was the worse and it was a few days after starting my new medication. I was paranoid, psychotic AND depressed. My PTSD symptoms were crazy too. I was so close to a hospitalization that I nearly called my mom to tell her I was going.

But I stuck in and the medications finally kicked in... And all is good with the world again.

Yesterday, I was talking to someone about the child abuse that I endured for a good part of my life. They were trying to tell me that it's not my fault that I let it happen. But so easily, I want to blame myself. For goodness sake, it happened for 7 years. I feel like I should have stopped it. To someone else, I think it's confusing that I blame myself so much.

It's so much easier for me to look at someone else in a similar situation and say it wasn't their fault- that it never should have happened. But for me, I carry a ton of shame and blame from it.

I think it goes into the fact that I've been practically brainwashed by my main abuser. He told me constantly that it was my fault. He even emailed me a few years ago saying I was a fraud and that I was messing up the family. I was yelled at by my aunt at my brother's wake. Meanwhile, my brother has PTSD from watching me be abused.

Oh, and I made my brother have PTSD? I just somehow brainwashed him? Put things in his head?

My abuser has even told me he would sue the hospitals and therapists I've seen for "brainwashing" me.

A part of me is livid. That part wants him to pay for my suffering. But another part of me is full of shame.

Moving forward, I want to continue to heal from all the trauma I've been through. I don't know how I will heal, I just know I will. Because I've fought through everything that's come my way and I'm not about to let go now.

Last night at Bible study, we were asked to create a "Life Rule" and mine was...

Always move forward and help others along the way.

It's about not getting stuck in the past, but moving forward. I also think it's imperative that we help others along on our journey. This life is not just about us. It is about what we can do for others. It's about sharing our journey with others. Each of us has difficulties, so we each have important things to share.

To Be Welcomed

Today was a better day than most I've had lately.

I had therapy early this morning. I talked to my therapist about the fact that people keep licking their lips or sticking their tongue out at me, making me paranoid. Most of the conversation was her reiterating that the probability that all these strangers are aiming at me is highly unlikely. If they are sticking their tongues out at me, then there is something wrong with them, not me. She said I probably am more susceptible to focusing on it because of my PTSD.

I went to work after therapy and I saw only a few people stick out their tongue. But what was new was that I didn't become paranoid from it. I think this is because my therapist/psychologist practically nailed it into my mind how unlikely it is that others are doing it at me. I also think it's because I didn't go anywhere on Saturday so my paranoia was nonexistent. It gave my mind time to cool down.

She told me that I have social anxiety. I have to say that I agree with that. It takes all of me to go to social events and I only usually go if I have an escape route, some way to leave early if I feel uncomfortable. At social events, I usually stand or sit alone. I'm not good at small talk. Never have been. I either want to talk about deep things or just not talk. Small talk for me is awkward. Unnatural.

If I had my way, I would live at the lake... alone. Just me and God.

But that's not reality. The reality is that I have to face my fears and get up and meet the day. I need to meet the challenges I've been given. The fact is that I need to be with others, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me.

I don't think anybody truly knows how much it means to have someone sit down next to me at church or another event or how much it means to be given a hug and welcomed. As someone who feels somewhat of an outcast, it means the world. 

It means the world to be welcomed...

Moving Onward

Today has been a better day. I started the new medication this morning and the paranoia/anxiety has been nonexistent this morning.

It took all of me not to cry tears of joy in the store this morning when I was walking by people and not having paranoid thoughts. It was amazing how calm I felt. Having paranoid thoughts all day long is not a way to live. It is exhausting. We were not meant to be anxious every second of our lives. We were not made to live in fear. I had gotten so used to living with paranoia that I forgot what life is like without it.

Now what caused me to be paranoid?

My doctor thinks it is my PTSD being very high, which may be due to the intensive trauma therapy I'm going through. The new medication I started today is supposed to help with PTSD symptoms. My mother thinks that my past is way too traumatic to go through at this time. I'm still not sure because I've dealt with some of the past before.

Whatever may be causing the paranoia, I am glad that the paranoia seems to have gone away on the new medication. The paranoia was so bad that I was starting to prepare to go to the hospital.

Having three disorders that are mixed can complicate things and sometimes is very frustrating, but no matter what, I move forward. I take it one day at a time and each day that I feel better is a victory. God gave me this life for a reason and I'm going to make the most out of it.

I want to share another song by the band I saw on Wednesday. The song is called Busted Heart by for KING & COUNTRY. It's a song about God being there for us and holding on to us, even when things get really complicated.

No matter what we go through in this life, God holds on to us. We can find hope even in the most dire circumstances.

Transformative Love

I came across the following quote in my journal...

"The prostitute's tears cleansed the feet of the most perfect man on earth; His forgiveness cleansed the soul of the most sinful woman in town! She instantly made the transition from self-loathing to peace when Jesus forgave her and restored her dignity."
-Rebeeca Lutzer, Jesus Lover of a Woman's Soul

As someone who has suffered abuse for many years, I often deal with shame and feelings of guilt. But something that I have been realizing these past few months is the beauty in Jesus's redemption. Redemption to me means that I am no longer guilty or dirty, but cleansed.  The past is over and done with. 

God can turn the impure into pure. He can turn the impossible into the possible. He can transform the broken into a beautiful masterpiece. He is bigger than anything we will be faced with.

God is helping me understand my past in a different way. I've often blamed myself for the abuse I endured, partly because I was told it was all of my fault. Slowly I am learning that I did not cause any of it. And it's not my fault. I was an innocent child who was taken advantage of. The feelings of guilt and shame are slowly going away as God is restoring me. He is renewing my life and helping me work through the feelings that accompany many years of abuse.

Something that spoke to me is that Jesus allowed the prostitute to wash his feet, something that at the time was seen as making him unclean. He allowed it. He welcomed her. He cared for her. He forgave her sins. He didn't see her as an outcast. As someone who has been abused and who has often felt too unclean for God to love me, this story means a lot to me.

To me, redemption means a clean slate. It means that no matter what happened in the past, it's in the past. Even if it made us impure. Even if it hurt us. Even if we are unclean. God loves us no matter what.

I want to share a song that means a lot to me that relates to this. It's called At the Foot of the Cross.

The Trust Battle

Trust.

I am currently dealing with issues with trust. I have dealt with these issues for the majority of my life. When I was abused by my father and oldest brother, my trust was betrayed. When I was neglected by my mother, my trust was betrayed. I've had issues with trusting that others really care about me or that they'll be there for me when I need them to be. For so many years, people I loved and cared for weren't there for me when I needed them.

It makes a lot of sense that I am dealing with trust to this day.

Currently, I am dealing with what a friend of mine calls "personalization." It is a part of paranoia that you see things that others are doing and you point it all back on yourself. You morph it into everybody being after you. It's like if someone gives me a certain stare, I think I did something wrong. It's gotten to the point that I think others are speaking bad about me. And it's not that fun.

I don't know if raising my medication will help it. I think it's something I need to work on through my therapy. It's remnants from my paranoia and psychosis. As someone said, medication can only go so far and the rest is up to hard work. I am currently in trauma therapy, dealing with things like flashbacks and the paranoia. My traumatic experience is mixed in with the paranoia and lately I think that people are after me to kill me or to abuse me. I've thought that my father has turned everybody against me. For years as a child my father threatened to kill me. He even tried to kill me a few times.

Point blank, it's not a great way to live.

But today, I started to do something different. I started to say "Hi, how are you?" and "Have a good day" to all of the people I think are after me. And it's actually alleviating my paranoia. Nobody told me to do this, but I thought that talking back to the paranoia would help.

Life can get difficult but through God's strength, we can overcome anything.

"Jesus came to save the lost. His blood-stained hands, feet, and side are proof of the death-defying power of his love for us. There is no place his love cannot reach."
-Jan Kern, Scars that Wound, Scars that Heal

I wanted to end on this quote, because this life can be scary. This life can be downright terrifying at times. I've been through my fair share of frightening circumstances and I may always have some trouble trusting others due to how I was raised and all that I've had to overcome. But that does not mean I have to live terrified or frightened. I may have flashbacks and nightmares of the abuse for the rest of my life, but that does not mean that they have to overwhelm my life.

I can move forward, knowing that Jesus has my back and He will guide me and help me through everything. Nothing that I have gone through or will go through is too big for Him.

I wanted to share a song that has helped me tremendously. I actually met Kirk Franklin during college and told him how much this song meant to me. I had a chance to talk for about 10 minutes to him about how much it helped me through my healing. The song is Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin. It's about letting go of the pain that others caused and moving forward into the hope of God.

Clean Break for the Positive

I was watching an episode from Duck Dynasty a few days ago. I haven't really watched any TV since last August, but I have wanted to start watching some new shows. I have to say that there are some pretty interesting shows on TV.

Anyways, one of the characters of Duck Dynasty said something that really resonated with me. I was not expecting this amidst all the jokes of the show. I really was not expecting anything deep. But it was deep.

Part of the show, Kay is selling stuff in the front of the family home, attempting to get rid of the old and bring a new beginning into her home. At the end of the show, someone said (I don't know the characters well enough to know which one):

"People are nature's number one creature. We tend to hold to get comfortable, stuck in our ways and we fear change. We like to hold onto old things in order to hold onto old memories when usually it keeps us from making new ones. Sometimes you gotta bite the bullet and make a clean break from the past to start a fresh beginning."

Again, I was not expecting anything deep, but I think this resonates with me because I am trying to start a fresh beginning in my life. I am trying to replace all the negativity of my past with positivity for the future. As painful as it is to admit, I've gotten used to things being difficult. I've gotten used to being hurt. I've gotten used to things being out of control in a lot of ways.

But God doesn't intend for us to get used to pain and misery. Yes, it is a part of life that we all have to go through, but it's only a part not the whole. The problem begins when pain becomes the only part of life we see and experience.

I love that he says we gotta bite the bullet and move forward into a new beginning. That is the phase of my life that I am currently going through. I am trying to make a clean break for the future that God has in store.

I fear change, though. In many ways, I feel much more comfortable in difficult circumstances and situations than easy ones. If things aren't difficult, I get anxious and feel weird. If things are going well, most often I feel like things are too good to be true. It feels awkward. To me, things aren't supposed to be good. They've always been insanely difficult.

But that's not how life is supposed to be.

I'm not saying things are always going to be peachy keen and hunky dory but we also are supposed to live in the light, hope, peace, joy and love of God.

As I move forward, I am trying to make the past what it really is: the past. It is gone, over and done with. It really is history. And now I am attempting to create positive memories instead of the constant negative memories I relive through my PTSD.

The lyrics of History by Matthew West, one of my favorite songs which I was just reminded of, says:

Yesterday is history

And history is miles away

So leave it all behind you

Let it always remind you of the day

The day that love made history

Challenging the Past

Woooooo... I am trying to recover from an intense but good therapy session earlier this afternoon. It was challenging because I talked about some of the details of the abuse I endured for most of my childhood.

I have been in and out of therapy since I was six years old. I owe my life to the many therapists that have helped me get to where I am and were there for me when my family was not. They have helped me get further than I ever thought was possible. Honestly, as a teenager I didn't know if I would make it to 18 years old. I was thinking about that earlier this week. I realized I'm 24, an age I never thought I'd get to. I thought it was out of the question.

Therapy to me is an opportunity to open up the doors to the deepest, darkest areas of your life that is hard to let anyone else into. It is a chance to try to figure things out and make sense out of the nonsensical. I personally don't like therapy unless I'm challenged in some way. I like therapy to difficult, not just going on and on about the surface stuff. Unless it's one of my first sessions with a new therapist. I like when my feelings are challenged, those dark thoughts become more positive, the lies destroyed and become seen for what they are.

While I have been in therapy for as long as I can remember, I have never actually gone through all of the details of the abuse. We always had other things to talk about like neglect, my family's alcohol and drug abuse and homelessness. But today I opened up about the abuse. When I opened up about some of the stuff I remember, it was hard. And therapy can be hard. I believe it's supposed to be difficult sometimes. It's through therapy that you grow and become more of who you are and less of what is in your past. You open yourself up to growth, change and transformation.

One of the things that surprised me about therapy today was that my therapist asked me for the details. She asked questions as I shared and I have to admit that I'm not used to that. I'm used to people just taking my abuse for what it is and not questioning how I feel about it. Most just feel terrible and don't say anything in response, because I think for most, the details are very hard to hear. 

But with my therapist, I'm not just spitting out the gritty details but there was a conversation. She asked me things that really made me question some of my beliefs and feelings. And it was helpful. In many ways. There is someone helping me make sense of the feelings I have. The anger. The frustration. The confusion. The terror. The shame.

I think the fact that most people don't say anything in response to the details of my life comes from the uncomfortable feelings that come up when one talks about an awful past full of abuse, neglect and homelessness. People just don't know what to say. I think many people don't know how to respond. And I admit that if someone came and told me the same life story, I might not know what to say.

But I wish that people didn't feel bad. I hope that by sharing about my experiences that people don't feel pity towards me but that they see how God has carried me so far. I hope they see the miracle that I call my life. Because I've made it further than I ever thought possible. I hope that they know that the impossible truly can be possible. My hope in sharing my journey of healing is that I can let others know that healing is possible.

Tomorrow will mark the end of the first month (May) that I have not been hospitalized this year. And that is a huge step forward, more like a leap. Huge progress. And I am extremely excited. My life has gotten to the point that I celebrate every good day when it comes. A good day is a huge step forward. And I have had a good day today.

Feelings Hidden Within

Something has been on my mind lately. I'm going to the dentist soon.

I see how others look at my teeth. Anybody who knows me knows that my teeth are not in good shape.

I know people make fun of my teeth. I see their stares. One memory hurts the most. 

I was walking to my dorm a few years ago on Halloween and a guy came up to me with his friends and he said "Oh, are your messed up teeth fake?... Oh, wait a minute, those are your real teeth!" He laughed and walked away, with his crew laughing with him. Every time I think back to that encounter, it hurts deep within. I do not think he knew how his words hurt me deeply.

Little does he know that I survived years of severe abuse by my father, in which he treated me like an animal. I can't even look at dogs without being reminded that I was treated less than human for so many years. The memories come back to me each and every day. I avoid dogs as much as I can. Not because I'm scared of them. But when I see them, I am reminded of the abuse. I am reminded of my feelings hidden deep within, the feelings of unworthiness and shame. The feelings that I am less than human.

Little does he know that I was neglected for years by my mother, the person who was supposed to care for me the most. She wasn't around to make sure I was taking care of myself. During my teenage years, she chose her drug dealer boyfriend over me. She chose drugs and alcohol over me. And it still hurts. How could she care about someone else more than me? How could she care about drugs more than me?

Little does he know that I come from a poor family, and we didn't have enough money to go to the dentist as much as others. Little does he know that no matter how much I wanted to get braces, my family could not afford them.

Little does he know that I spent many years of my life trying to understand why people treated me like I was less than human. If you're treated like you're nothing for long enough, you start believing it. It wears you down. It invades every part of your life. I've taken in a lot of negative thoughts regarding myself due to how I was treated as a child and a teenager. I still have trouble taking care of myself sometimes, because I grew up with people who had a hard time showing love to me. If they didn't care about me, why should I?

I was damaged as a child, and each day, I still am recovering from that abuse. It is not an easy road at all. I wish people would not judge me on first glance, but that they would understand. I wish more people understood how truly damaged I still feel, especially as I relive the memories each day. I wish they wouldn't just write me off the minute they see how I look. Because there is more hidden behind my looks than one first impression can give. There is turmoil and beliefs that I am not worthy of love or to be cared about or to be treated like any other human being. Because that's what I grew up being taught.

Each new day it gets easier. My mother has come a long way and is helping me.

Slowly but surely, God is healing me and the hidden, hurt and damaged child within me. I want that little girl to know that she is loved and will be loved, not judged or made fun of. I want that little child to smile again. To smile without being stared at or mocked. I want her to laugh again.

More than anything I want her to find hope again. I want her to find the light that God shines through the darkness and turmoil within our souls. I want her to see that light and shine.

I want her to know what it means to be loved.

Being and Doing

It makes sense now. It all makes sense.

That “it” is my survival. For many people, it hasn't made sense how I could survive many years of multiple traumatic experiences. But now, as I finished reading Surviving Survival by Laurence Gonzales, it makes sense.

He explained how many different people who have gone through traumatic experiences pick something that they can do, often something that has a repetitive pattern, such as knitting. By doing these activities, they activate an area in the brain that has to do with reward.

When I was going through multiple years of abuse and neglect, I chose to do many things that had repetitive patterns. Patterns have always been a strong point in my life. I do not function unless I have order or some sort of structure. For example, I have been on summer break for almost two weeks and I already have set up a sort of schedule for myself.

As a little child, I spent hours doing puzzles, trying to take my mind off of the traumatic experiences. And it worked. For a little while during the day, I forgot what was happening. I escaped into the world of pieces that needed to be put together. I felt an accomplishment when I finished the puzzles. In a way, as I put those puzzles together, I was hoping to piece together my life. I also escaped through music. Some of my earliest memories are of listening and singing to kid’s songs on my tape player. I spent many hours escaping through music. As I sang the songs, I forgot the abuse. I didn't think about what was happening. And years later, as I deal with the aftermath of my traumatic experiences, I still escape through music. I listen to music everywhere I go, because it helps me to stay in the present.

You see, music has patterns. There’s a verse, a chorus, a verse, chorus, etc. After my father left the house, I began to learn to read music and eventually taught myself how to play the clarinet and piano. As I tried to forget the abuse, almost being killed in a house fire and watching my mother be almost murdered in front of me, I found beauty and life in the patterns. I do not think I would be here if it weren't for music.

Last summer, I went through neuropsychological testing, which involved getting an IQ test. My score for the perceptual reasoning skills was in the 99^th percentile. The psychologist said I have a real gift. I see patterns in everything, which has helped me greatly in school. School has been my escape for most of my life. In his book, Gonzales explains that learning itself can help greatly with overcoming trauma.

During the great majority of my sophomore year in college, I spent it in deep depression. However, I went to classes and received straight A’s. During my second semester in sophomore year, I received 11 100’s on exams. My nickname became "robot." But when I attempted suicide in my junior year, everybody, including my professors, was shocked. 

To the outside world, I seemed like I was functioning well. People saw my grades and had no idea what I was hiding beneath the grades. They said that they had never seen  a student do so well in spite of such deep depression. But inside, my mind was in turmoil, being depressed nearly every day. I suspect that the reason that I did so well is that I was desperately trying to cope with what was going on in my life- the PTSD, the flashbacks, the depression- and so I threw myself into my work. I found it easy to memorize numbers and equations. I found comfort in physics, chemistry and biology because it had nothing to do with my trauma. I learned to deal with the pain in a positive manner, except that I did not let anyone in to the pain I was enduring.

Having my psychotic episodes this semester was very traumatic for me. I have flashbacks of many events in my life and now sometimes I have flashbacks of my psychosis. But what kept me going and what keeps me going is learning and having something to do. I always need to be occupied, whether it’s running, walking, going to the library, reading, listening to music, taking photography. I find my escape from the reality through doing these things. I find my escape from my flashbacks through these things.

I process by expressing myself, whether through music, writing or photography. Writing this blog helps me to process what is going on with my brain and my life. It helps me to process what has happened and what is going to happen. Not a day goes by that I am not scared that I am going to have another psychotic episode, but the further away it gets, the better I feel.

Sometimes, very rarely, I express myself through art and drawing. I do not draw usually at all, but I am very good at it because I pay a lot of attention to detail, something that comes naturally with good perceptual reasoning skills. I drew the following picture during my depression in college. It is supposed to represent my inner child. Inside her eyes, I imagine that her depth of her sadness lies. Her pain can be felt by looking into her eyes. You can see in her face the silence but the want to talk- the need for a voice. I believe I have been given my natural artistic abilities so that I can deal with all of the trauma I've been through. Without art, without music, without photography, without writing and poetry, I would not be able to cope. I would not be here.

I want to leave with a quote near the end of Surviving Survival because it beautifully illustrates what it means to live beyond trauma:

“We are, all of us, desperately here, desperately trying to be and do here; and if we are not in passionate pursuit of our doing and being, we’re missing the entire show.”

-Laurence Gonzales, Surviving Survival

Mounting on Wings Like Eagles: My Testimony

"The journey toward greater things is marked with setbacks and real suffering."

-Steven Furtick, Greater

I want to share my story, the story of how God has continually saved my life and helped me through difficulties and hardships. I hope that through sharing my testimony, others will be blessed. Please feel free to share this testimony.

On April 10, 1989, I was born in a hospital in Newark, NJ. For anybody who knows Newark, it is one of the most dangerous parts of New Jersey.

My earliest memory of being abused was when I was 3 years old. I was abused in every way by my father from when I was 3 to 6 years old. Severe abuse. I am not going to tell the details because only a handful of people know them. Just know that it took a lot of strength to survive all of it and I am lucky to be alive.

My mother and father separated when I was 6 years old. On the morning of the last day they were together, I watched my mother being abused to the point that she was almost murdered in front of me. A few months after they separated, I nearly died in a house fire. Thanks to quick thinking, I called 911 at the exact moment that I needed to. The firemen said that if I had called any later, I probably would have died.

Things did not get any better with my father out of the house, though. I was abused by my oldest brother for a few years. Around that time, he started getting into drugs and eventually started dealing them. I have many memories of my mother fighting with him about the drugs. I remember him stealing things in the house. I also remember him selling his beloved train collection in order to get high on drugs.

My mother and father finally were divorced when I was 13 years old. As far as I know, my father went to prison for what he did to me for a little bit, but then he was released.

Soon after the divorce, we moved into a home down the street. This was when I started to be neglected by my mother. She was never home because she started to date a man, who I later found out was a drug dealer. He even tried to get my other brother to deal drugs. I slowly lost my mother to alcoholism.

I was home alone most of the time. I studied extremely hard in school. Around this time, my relationship with God really grew. I covered the walls of my room with Bible verses. I talked with my pastor a lot. She told me that it was not normal for a 13 year old to be home alone and that I belonged in foster care.

I remember going to a beach home with my mother and her boyfriend. Her alcoholism was so apparent. I remember running up to my room, weeping. My mother came in and I said to her “I want my mother back.”

It was around this time that I ran away to a friend’s home in order to try to get into foster care. I could not deal with the family issues any longer. Those around me considered me an "at-risk" teenager. My other brother had left the home earlier due to his own drug addictions. The last straw was when my mother was arrested for a drunk driving accident.

I wanted to move forward. I lived in various homes during that time- different homes of my friends. My mother and I eventually became evicted and homeless. At that point, I wanted nothing to do with her so I went from home to home, wherever I could stay so that I did not have to live on the streets. At one point, we stayed together for a few weeks in a home near the projects in Newark.

What carried me through this time was my faith in God. I read the Bible all the time, listened to worship songs and tried to go to church when I could. I was confirmed and even gave a children’s sermon on Youth Sunday. I went on various mission trips and volunteered with different charities. Worshiping God took my mind off of everything going on at home.

When I first got into high school, I was in remedial science and English classes. However, through determination and hard work, I ended up taking 5 Advanced Placement courses and 2 advanced courses during my senior year, despite being homeless. This was unheard of at my school and many of my peers thought I was crazy. But school was my escape. It was something I became very good at, especially since I focused most of my energy on my schoolwork in order to escape what was going on personally.

My mother and I eventually were reunited halfway through my senior year of high school as we moved into an apartment. Things were really rocky between us since we had reversed roles. A few months after moving into the apartment, my oldest brother committed suicide. He had been addicted to heroin and crack. He was in and out of jails for most of his life, for various things including dealing drugs. I had forgiven him for what he had done to me, so it was very hard to lose him.

His death made everything very hard for my family, especially my other brother, who was dealing with drug abuse and alcoholism. Around the time of my brother’s death, I was accepted into nine colleges and waitlisted from MIT, Columbia and Johns Hopkins. I graduated at the top of my class in high school. Needless to say, I was excited about the prospect of moving away from my family situation.

College was great for the first two years. I did very well, getting straight A’s in an overload of courses. During the summer after my freshman year, I went to another university to do cancer research. In the next summer, I worked at another university on a project that allowed people with spinal cord injury to move their paralyzed arms. But during that summer, I was harassed by my father through email. Even though my parents had divorced, my father still was in my life.

Things got really hard and during my junior year, I attempted suicide. The doctors and police told me I had come very close to death. I narrowly escaped a spinal cord injury. I was forced to take a medical leave. At first I was very upset and disappointed that I had to take the time away from school, but during my time off, my relationship with God really grew. At this time in my life, I finally obtained a restraining order against my father so I have nothing to do with him anymore. I eventually went back to college, finished up and graduated at the top of my class, despite being hospitalized three times during my senior year for suicidal ideation.

I was offered a PhD position last year, of which I have been in since August. I recently had to stop my research due to various recent hospitalizations that I have had. In the past few months, I have had a lot of diagnoses thrown at me- Aspergers, ADD, PTSD, bipolar, schizoaffective disorder. The doctors do not seem to know, but I think my most recent diagnoses of PTSD and schizoaffective disorder are the most accurate.

While my current diagnoses and their symptoms are difficult to deal with, I know that God will carry me through the difficult times ahead. He already has carried me through so much. I am thriving where I am because of His strength and the gifts He has given me, including my creativity. Three of my professors in the past year told me that three separate theories/ideas of mine could win the Nobel Prize if I can prove them experimentally. Though it has been a hard road for me in many ways, I am very thankful for what God has given me.

In sharing my story, I do not want your pity. I do not want you to say you’re sorry I have gone through so much. I want you to see how God has truly carried me through such difficulties. He truly can carry us through anything. I know the difficulties are not ending, but I have a lot of faith and excitement for the future. When my life seems confusing, I always go to God's Word, because it is in the Bible that we find the truth of who we are in God.

I want those who read this blog to know that the words I speak about God are genuine and real. I do not try to sell anything. My faith is real and very important to me and I want to share it with others. I want to share what I learn about God with others. God truly can take our misery and make something beautiful with it and I hope my life testimony is a testament to God's grace and mercy.

Every day is still a struggle but I am still here fighting because God never abandoned me. He never stopped loving me. He never stopped strengthening me. He never stopped molding me into who He wants me to be. He was always there for me, especially in the times when I had no one else. Even in the times when I felt He was silent and absent.

And He does the same for you, no matter what you're going through or have gone through...

But they that wait upon the Lord 

shall renew their strength; 

they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 

they shall run, and not be weary; 

and they shall walk, and not faint.

-Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)

Going Through the Emotions

“The process of metamorphosis is going to hurt. Let it hurt. The more you fight it the longer it takes and the worse the pain seems…Even though change hurts, it is better than living in constant misery and discouragement. Let God do whatever He needs and wants to do in you.”

-Joyce Meyer, The Battle Belongs to the Lord

I am going through a time of metamorphosis in which I am dealing with my past. It is not easy, but sometimes we have to go through difficult times in order to move forward into what God has planned for us.

Sometimes that means feeling the pain and the despair of past hurts and regrets.

Sometimes that means letting God be God and allowing Him to work in us, within us and through us.

Lately, I have had feelings of immense guilt over things that I did in the past, some of which people say is not my fault and that I should not feel any guilt or shame from. However, there is a lot of shame associated with the guilt. I have points in which I feel like an absolute nobody, especially when I remember times when I was not treated well. I realize that I am not worthy of what Jesus did on the cross.

But the truth is that none of us is worthy of the mercy and grace that God has shown us. As much as I want to do good things and love everyone, I will make mistakes and sin. I sin every day. That is what makes Christ’s death on the cross so beautiful and powerful.

A few months ago, I entered intensive treatment for my PTSD. The treatment program was based on prolongued exposure therapy. In order to get into the program, I had a 7-hour long interview session, in which I gave details about my past- the traumatic experiences, the abuse, the neglect, the homelessness, the loss, the drug abuse, etc… All of it.

Prolonged exposure therapy is unique in that it entails going back and going through the trauma detail by detail. I had to go back and deal with the worst times in my life head on, reliving the details. I was unable to continue the treatment since I began to have flooding memories to the point that I could not function.

However, I know that there is a lot of psychological backing to the idea that if you want to overcome negative feelings, sometimes you need to go through them and live in them. You need to feel in order to move forward. It doesn’t mean that we should feel those negative feelings all the time. I would not be able to function if I lived in my flashbacks all the time. Currently, I have about 10 a day and that makes it somewhat difficult to function. But it does mean feeling them completely, not running away from the hurt, the pain, the obstacles, the struggles.

As difficult as it was for me to go through the interview, it was very empowering to speak about what I went through in order to get to where I am. I have tried my whole life to hide my past from most people. I did not invite friends over to my house so that they wouldn't see the alcoholism in my family or the fact that I was poor. But in trying to hide such a big part of what makes me who I am, I internalized the shame. Now I am slowly picking up those pieces and trying to make sense of my past so that I can move forward.

I do not know about you but if someone tells me not to think about something, I usually end up thinking about that thing more. So by going through the negative emotions and feelings, sometimes it helps us to truly deal with them.

In her book, Joyce Meyer mentions some of her difficulties in her childhood, of which I can relate and I believe that many others can. Some of us have had difficult childhoods. Mine was full of terror and I had to fight through many obstacles even to survive. In many ways, I feel as though I grew up much quicker than anyone should have to.

Although we cannot change the past, we need to deal with our past so that it does not ruin the future that God has for us.

“I saw that I could not do anything about what I had lost, and I started looking at what I had left. For one thing, I had the rest of my life, and so do you. Even if the years you have lived weren’t pleasant, you still have your future.”

-Joyce Meyer, The Battle Belongs to the Lord

This is not easy. I personally am working on reconciling the various parts of my life so that I can be whole. I have been extremely successful academically and in various other areas of my life, but at the same time, I am constantly reliving the worst times of my childhood. I am a 24 year old 80% of the time and an abused, neglected, hurt, and frightened little girl the other 20% of the time. Who I am is torn. The feelings I feel are shattered and conflicting. Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. I have often told people that I feel as though I'm living two lives. Being bipolar does not help things as my emotions constantly cycle from being very excited about life to being very depressed.

But God brings peace and calm into my chaotic life every day, as He tells me the truth. I am amazed every day at how awesome God truly is.

Though it’s difficult, I take life one day at a time, hoping and praying for wholeness. I feel that we are all called to move forward, no matter how difficult things get. This too shall pass...

I want to leave off with a song that speaks about taking life one day at a time and learning to breathe.

Transforming the Scars

“Only Jesus can make these scars beautiful. Only he can give meaning to them and bring healing to the hurt that lies behind them.”

-Jan Kern, Scars that Wound: Scars that Heal

There are a lot of difficult things going on in my life as I deal with emotional and mental scars from painful things I have endured throughout my life. There is so much power in the words above.

God truly can take our scars- anything that haunts us or harms us- and turn them into something beautiful. That is exactly what Jesus did on the cross. He was scarred so much that the scars were countless, and yet, a lot of healing and powerful things came from his death on the cross.

“But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.” 

–Isaiah 53:5 (KJV)

I am not going to lie. It is really difficult to deal with scars. But with God’s strength, we can do anything. I truly believe that God will take this difficult point in my life and do something incredibly powerful through it. He already has transformed me in many ways.

A few weeks ago, my physical symptoms (the spasms and stuttering) stopped but I have had bouts of flooding memories. When this happened, I had countless memories of my childhood-some very negative, some very positive. However, sometimes the flooding memories become uncontrollable.

I have had even more repressed memories surface from years of abuse I endured as a child. Needless to say, it is very rough. I have a ton of scars that still need to be healed. I believe that God knows I am strong enough now to work through those memories and heal. I have a lot of hope that I will get through this point in my life and emerge an even stronger person.

I believe that everyone has some sort of scar that they carry. Some people have many. Everyone has some deep hurt. I am here to say that no matter what scars you are dealing with, God truly can transform that hurt into something beautiful. I hope that my life can be a testimony to how God truly can heal us from the deepest and darkest hurts.

Life is not about being perfect. It is not about doing everything according to plan. Currently, I am dealing with the fact that my dream of getting a PhD is going to be put on hold for now so that I can focus on healing. It is very difficult for me to deal with that, but honestly, I know that God has something great in mind. He has a great plan for each of us. I know there is a reason for everything.

We have to put our trust in God, knowing that He has our best interests at heart and that He has something great planned for each of us.

I am going to admit that it is really difficult to put our full trust in something greater that we cannot see. But let me also tell you that it makes life easier to deal with when you trust God. When you trust in God, it is much easier not to worry because you know that no matter what comes your way, He will be there guiding you all the way. There is a ton of comfort in knowing that He’s got your back and He’s not going to abandon you.

Let God transform your scars. Let Him make something beautiful out of the most painful and deep parts of your life. It’s not easy but it is definitely very powerful and encouraging.

I want to leave this post with one of the most powerful skits I have ever seen that shows how Jesus can help us overcome the negative things in our lives and how He can transform our lives.

Just Keep Moving Forward

In the past two days, I received some difficult news but I am very hopeful. 

Yesterday, on the morning of my 24^th birthday, I received a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. This was pretty rough to take in because it is one of the most severe mental illnesses. It is the combination of schizophrenia and bipolar I disorder.

I was released yesterday from my tenth hospitalization in the past seven years. Since I moved to Florida last August, I have had multiple health issues and complications, including a head concussion, dystonic reaction (spasms and stuttering), bouts of physical symptoms, and two psychotic breakdowns.

During my psychosis, I am completely disabled. I hear voices and see things that are not there. I do not want to talk to anyone because I believe they can read my mind. I completely lose touch with reality. My psychosis is very difficult for me to handle because it is terrifying. I believe everybody is out to kill me. A lot of my delusional thinking is based off of my post traumatic stress disorder. Put simply, I do not function.

Which brings me to the news of where I am going from here.

The news is that I probably am not getting a PhD. Well at least for now. I am going to try to get a Masters by next fall. I will not continue with any research so that I have time to heal.

This news is quite difficult to take in, but at the same time, it is extremely relieving to me. The only thing that is unclear at the moment is my financial situation, but I am believing and trusting God. At this time in my life, I really need to work on my healing process, especially with the onset of the schizoaffective disorder. Not having the pressures of research will allow me to take time to really take care of myself.

One of the things I really hope to do is make people more aware of mental illness. The stigmas are very challenging to overcome. If someone has a stroke or a heart attack, people are much more supportive usually of them than someone in and out of hospitals with a mental illness. I think most people do not understand that mental illness is just as much a physical problem as any physical illness. People treat it differently. But it's not that different. My brain literally goes haywire. The chemicals are messed up. I take medications, but my mental illness is something I deal with every single day.

I believe that many people with mental illness, with the correct medications and treatment, can live healthy and productive lives. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am going to have to deal with my mental illness for the rest of my life. It’s not something that can be cured. It’s something I just deal with and keep moving forward. I’ve had a lot of issues with my medications especially since my disorders seem to be resistant to medication. But I just keep pressing on.

Sometimes God changes the directions of our lives. Sometimes it looks bad. Sometimes it looks really good. But we have to keep trusting Him. I have a lot of faith that everything will work out. I know that God will lead me to where I need to go once I get my Masters. Sometimes what looks really scary or is full of unknowns is really a huge blessing from God. I don't know where God will lead me from here, but I will keep moving forward.

The Long Road to a Small Victory

I did something today that was terrifying for me, but it was a major leap forward.

As I’ve been posting about over the past few days, my anxiety has increased. This morning, I was still very hypervigilant, so I decided to go to the butterfly exhibit after going to work for a few hours. As I was there, I sketched this picture. I do not draw a lot at all, but when I do, I find it very therapeutic and calming.

After going to the butterfly exhibit, I took my first big step. I called the doctor’s office which I am supposed to go to in about a month for my first appointment to try to see if they could increase my medication dose. However, they said that they could not do anything and I was told that the only way that I could have my medications adjusted was to go to the Emergency Room.

When I heard this, my heart started racing even more. Every possible awful scenario went through my head. If I go, then I’ll be stuck there for a week and then I’ll be forced to go on a medical leave and then I’ll end up homeless with nowhere to go and basically…my life will cease to exist.

As this cycling of thoughts happened, I realized that there was another side. There was a great possibility that I could go and that I would not end up staying. I realized that if I did not go to the ER to get my meds adjusted today, then the anxiety very well could continue to worsen. I realized that if I “nipped it in the bud” now, then I may be able to stop it from getting to a point in which I would be forced to stay in the hospital.

So I walked to the ER…

As they took my vitals, my blood pressure was abnormally high. Everybody at the hospital was very nice. I ended up being in and out of the ER in just over three hours. My medication was slightly adjusted and we talked about a plan in case my anxiety gets worse again. 

As I walked out of the ER, I felt like a huge burden had been lifted.

I texted a few people to let them know what happened (I only let one person know I went to the ER). I was searching Google Maps to see if I could find a nearby pharmacy and something pretty funny happened. For some reason, when I typed in “CVS,” Google Maps gave me a route from where I was to about five states away. Yeah, Google... I'm in the mood to walk thousands of miles to a pharmacy right after spending a few hours in an ER. Right.

As I thought about it, I laughed but then something occurred to me.

Sometimes, it takes a very long time to move forward. Sometimes we have to go a very long route or we have to wait a very long time in order to take very big leaps forward in our lives. It seems like the negativity never ends. The difficulties will never cease. There will always be mountains to climb. Sometimes that long route may seem extremely frustrating, but when we finally look back on everything we have endured and overcome, it is incredibly satisfying as we take the major steps forward necessary to live a fulfilling life.

Having mental illnesses is not easy. Not only because it is chronic and I have to deal with it every day. But because many people around me do not know what to say or do. I do not want pity. I do not want attention. I just want to move forward and become a whole person. There are many stigmas about mental illness that I and millions of other people have to deal with. I think that many people do not understand it so they try to avoid it.

But I am a human being, just like everybody else. I may have days when I think the FBI is after me or my doctor is Michelle Obama, but there are days when I wake up and I make a difference in the world and in the lives of those around me. Yes, some days are worse battles than others, but who of us can say that everything is easy? We all have struggles.

Part of writing this blog is to help others understand not only how my faith has helped me overcome huge obstacles and struggles in my life, but also to share my healing journey with others. Sometimes out of the most difficult things we are faced with in life come the greatest triumphs. I want others to know that no matter what struggles we have to deal with in this life, there is hope. And sometimes that hope rises after the storm.

Today was a victorious day for me...

So I leave you with this song.