A Letter to the Abused

This is a letter I wrote while in the hospital.

To those who have been abused,

I have been where you are. I have felt the despair of being made to feel inferior, used and demeaned. Trust me when I say that I have felt the great depths of the human condition. I have felt great pain but I have also felt the great heights of God's unconditional love.

You are loved. You are cherished by a power greater than yourself or I could ever be. I can tell you that this life is worth more than gold and it is worth more than what you have been through. I can tell you that you do not have to forgive, for forgiveness should never be forced. I highly encourage you to forgive though.

People are not meant or made to be abused. We were made for true agape, unconditional love- a love that knows no bounds and is there at all times.

You are deeply cared for. There are really good people out there who will love you no matter what. There are people out there who will treat you in the way you deserve to. I am one of them. I have been abused very severely and yet I know that love. I know and understand a deep love that is not sexual but rather loves without condition. A love that looks beyond mistakes and darkness. A love that drives out hate, as Dr Martin Luther King Jr. spoke of.

Hate has no place in this world. Only love can transform this world in a way that is unimaginable and beyond that which we can ever speak of or think of. Anger has a place in this world as well but forgiveness is worth so much more. Forgiveness can transform our hearts in unimaginable ways. It feels very good to release the anger that find a place in our hearts.

Release that fear and anger. It is not correct to create fear in this world. Release the fear that drives hate and anger. Release all the tension of what you have been through.

I say that I do not want people to pity me about what I have been through because pity does not get me anywhere. It is just pity. I find great strength in helping others and healing people who have been through what I have been through. I find strength in transforming the world with what little I have. To know that I have made a difference in another person's life helps all the mistakes and all the evil in my life worth it. It makes my life meaningful.

I am sorry for what you have been through. You did not deserve it. You are stronger than the circumstances you have found yourself in. You are more than the evil. You are a great person who was born todo something with your life. You do not have to change the world. All you have to do is change the world for one person. If I've met you, you've made a difference in the world because you helped me to transform the world. Please take this life seriously because you only have one. Make the most of it.

You are deeply loved. Deeply cherished for being you. You are a beautiful child of God. You are to be respected. You are wanted, needed and accepted for you. You have a place in this world. You are to be loved in an appropriate manner. You are not to be used or disrespected. You are wonderful. You are a beautiful being with feelings, emotions and behaviors. You are not an object. You are to be loved and cherished from the moment you are born to the moment you take your last breath. We all make mistakes but know that I love you.

Love,
Chelsea Kowal (Mother Chelsea)

Smile a Little More

"I may never completely eliminate the effects of alcoholism on my life, but I can stop allowing them to affect me...Each minute, each hour, each day, I smile a little more, let go of yesterday a little more, and live in today a little more. Each moment becomes the one I have always been waiting for. Each day becomes a precious collection of the many instances when I see myself as I truly am, a child of a loving Higher Power."
-Hope For Today (Alanon book), Jan. 3 Devotion

I do not know if the hurt of having alcoholics in my family will ever completely go away, but I continue to move forward each minute, each hour and each day, thanks to my relationship with God.

I guess I still have some anger but it is slowly fading away. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have faced unspeakable circumstances, but those circumstances don't have to rule my life. I am not those circumstances. Rather, I can use them as stepping stones on the path to a better day, to a life I never dreamed possible.

And that is because all of us are children of God. We all make mistakes. We all fall short of the glory of God. And yet He loves us deeply, in a way nobody in this world can. He loves us even despite our faults.

I've been talking to some other people about the new pope and everybody absolutely adores him. I have yet to come across someone who is against him.

Why?

Because he looks past the faults in others. Every time I hear about him in the news, he's welcoming someone else into the church. He's loving someone like Christ would love them.

I want to be like that. I want to "smile a little more, let go of yesterday a little more, and live in today a little more." I want to keep moving forward...

Forgiveness and Peace

Something odd just happened...

Really odd....

I woke up from a dream with somebody in it that I have been harboring some anger against for many years. They hurt me very badly as a teenager and in this dream, I finally came to peace with them.

But that's not the odd part.

I woke up and checked my email and this was in my email.

A quote from Rodney King... It did not say who sent it or where it was from.

"As far as having peace within myself, the one way I can do that is forgiving the people who have done wrong to me. It causes more stress to build up anger. Peace is more productive."

-Rodney King

Now there is a lot of truth in this. And through my dream, I feel like I came to a sense of peace about this person for the first time in my life. I woke up with no anger towards this person. Only love.

And I think the magical part of life is when our anger and bitterness is turned to love and peace within ourselves.

And whoever sent me that quote, thanks....

Not Perfect By Any Means

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I am reading unChristian by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons. One of the characteristics that nonChristians say that Christians have is that they are hypocritical- you know, say one thing and do another.

“We cannot hope to shed our hypocritical label if our lifestyles offer no proof of the ‘fruit’ of Christlikeness.”

This quote really spoke to me because I honestly don’t always think my behavior represents God. As much as I try to be Christlike, I am not. Far from it. I would truly like to apologize to anyone who has seen me during my unChristlike moments.

I think that Christianity is summed up nicely in another quote from the book.

“We are fallen people who desperately need God in our lives- everyday.”

Can I be real?

I am not perfect by any means.

I have been trying to get rid of the anger I have towards some of my family members for the years of neglect and abuse I endured as a child, but I have not been able to. I harbor bitterness inside. I think that this anger spills into some other parts of my life, including relationships with others. I am not always the kindest person. One of my ongoing prayers is to gain a spirit of forgiveness so that I can truly forgive them.

One of my greatest sins is pride. It is strange because it’s also paired with the feeling that I’m not good enough to be God’s child. I think I try so hard to be all and do all that sometimes I forget the real meaning of life. As a child, I was always told I was not good enough, that I am less than, so I’ve spent most of my life trying to prove otherwise.

I’ve tried to hide behind my successes. When I came to Florida to start the PhD program, I was quite possibly the most prideful person on campus. I thought I was “all that” because I got a ton of awards in college and I got a full ride to the PhD program. But I was far from being "all that." And it pains me to this day as I think about the many people I hurt by being prideful. 

Another ongoing prayer is that I really take it in that I am God’s child and no matter how many good things I do, I don’t have to be the best at everything. I don’t have to be good at things or do good things for God to love me. I just have to be me.

Sometimes I get angry at people I shouldn’t get angry at. Sometimes my patience flies out the window. Sometimes I don’t show strangers the love that I should show them- the love that can be found in Christ. Sometimes I judge people too quickly. Sometimes I try too hard to be someone that I’m not instead of becoming who God wants me to be.

My biggest hope while reading this book and sharing what I am learning from this book is that I can be real with others about what it means to be a true Christian, one with multiple mental illnesses. At times, it’s hard but being a Christian can lead to a very fulfilling life.

Redeeming Love

There is a story in the Bible about a prostitute who knelt at Jesus’s feet and washed his feet with her tears. I heard a sermon about this story a few weeks ago and then it came up in the book I’m reading.

“When Jesus looked at [the prostitute], he saw a woman- a woman with great love. He saw past her sin. He saw past her past…Jesus looked at her and saw more than just her sin. He saw her faith and her love.”

-Steven James, Becoming Real

I’ve been reading this book for a few weeks now. It’s really powerful and dense so it’s taking a bit to get through, but the quote above really spoke to me.

I think it really sums up what it is to be redeemed. God doesn’t look at our past mistakes and think we’re disgusting or dirty. He doesn’t think we’re weird. He sees us as beautiful. He accepts us fully as we are. He understands us on a deeper level than anyone can.

I went for a walk this morning, and, of course, I came across some squirrels. Some ran across the street to get away from me. One started to climb a tree. I went up to the tree and it knew I saw it. So then it moved so I couldn’t see it anymore. It did this a few times. It was like I was playing hide and seek with the squirrel.

I think in a lot of ways we’re the same with God. We try to hide our past, our regrets and our mistakes. But the truth is God knows it’s still there, just like I knew the squirrel was hiding behind the tree. No matter how many times you try to hide it, it’s still there. The crazy part is that God knows what’s happened in our past and He looks beyond it. He forgives us for our past mistakes, for those things we’d rather hide forever.

I’ve honestly had a hard time understanding redemption because I’ve made a lot of mistakes that haunt me to this day. I carry a lot of “baggage,” as they say. It’s sometimes really difficult to understand that God would just look past all of that and see me for who I really am.

But He does.

And that’s what is so beautiful and powerful about faith. We are redeemed. Our sins are forgiven. Our past mistakes now gone.

A Healing Journey

My paranoia is nonexistent currently. It feels so great. A lot of people say "it gets worse before it gets better" and that was very true of my experience. Late last week was the worse and it was a few days after starting my new medication. I was paranoid, psychotic AND depressed. My PTSD symptoms were crazy too. I was so close to a hospitalization that I nearly called my mom to tell her I was going.

But I stuck in and the medications finally kicked in... And all is good with the world again.

Yesterday, I was talking to someone about the child abuse that I endured for a good part of my life. They were trying to tell me that it's not my fault that I let it happen. But so easily, I want to blame myself. For goodness sake, it happened for 7 years. I feel like I should have stopped it. To someone else, I think it's confusing that I blame myself so much.

It's so much easier for me to look at someone else in a similar situation and say it wasn't their fault- that it never should have happened. But for me, I carry a ton of shame and blame from it.

I think it goes into the fact that I've been practically brainwashed by my main abuser. He told me constantly that it was my fault. He even emailed me a few years ago saying I was a fraud and that I was messing up the family. I was yelled at by my aunt at my brother's wake. Meanwhile, my brother has PTSD from watching me be abused.

Oh, and I made my brother have PTSD? I just somehow brainwashed him? Put things in his head?

My abuser has even told me he would sue the hospitals and therapists I've seen for "brainwashing" me.

A part of me is livid. That part wants him to pay for my suffering. But another part of me is full of shame.

Moving forward, I want to continue to heal from all the trauma I've been through. I don't know how I will heal, I just know I will. Because I've fought through everything that's come my way and I'm not about to let go now.

Last night at Bible study, we were asked to create a "Life Rule" and mine was...

Always move forward and help others along the way.

It's about not getting stuck in the past, but moving forward. I also think it's imperative that we help others along on our journey. This life is not just about us. It is about what we can do for others. It's about sharing our journey with others. Each of us has difficulties, so we each have important things to share.

Transformative Love

I came across the following quote in my journal...

"The prostitute's tears cleansed the feet of the most perfect man on earth; His forgiveness cleansed the soul of the most sinful woman in town! She instantly made the transition from self-loathing to peace when Jesus forgave her and restored her dignity."
-Rebeeca Lutzer, Jesus Lover of a Woman's Soul

As someone who has suffered abuse for many years, I often deal with shame and feelings of guilt. But something that I have been realizing these past few months is the beauty in Jesus's redemption. Redemption to me means that I am no longer guilty or dirty, but cleansed.  The past is over and done with. 

God can turn the impure into pure. He can turn the impossible into the possible. He can transform the broken into a beautiful masterpiece. He is bigger than anything we will be faced with.

God is helping me understand my past in a different way. I've often blamed myself for the abuse I endured, partly because I was told it was all of my fault. Slowly I am learning that I did not cause any of it. And it's not my fault. I was an innocent child who was taken advantage of. The feelings of guilt and shame are slowly going away as God is restoring me. He is renewing my life and helping me work through the feelings that accompany many years of abuse.

Something that spoke to me is that Jesus allowed the prostitute to wash his feet, something that at the time was seen as making him unclean. He allowed it. He welcomed her. He cared for her. He forgave her sins. He didn't see her as an outcast. As someone who has been abused and who has often felt too unclean for God to love me, this story means a lot to me.

To me, redemption means a clean slate. It means that no matter what happened in the past, it's in the past. Even if it made us impure. Even if it hurt us. Even if we are unclean. God loves us no matter what.

I want to share a song that means a lot to me that relates to this. It's called At the Foot of the Cross.

Moving Ahead

I don't normally blog twice a day, but I wanted to talk about a few things that I have read this afternoon that opened my eyes.

"All of our lives and all of our pain cannot be blamed on someone who neglected, abused and hurt us."
-Stephen Arterburn, Reframe Your Life

I admit that I tend to focus on the hurt that has done to me. After all, I was abused for 7 years and neglected for 3 years. Add to that the fact that I have PTSD, in which I relive the trauma every single day. Needless to say, I feel entitled to be angry about my past.

But I really do have a choice.

I can either let my father, who I haven't talked to or seen in years, continue to rule my life or I can move ahead into God's plans for my life. 

Sometimes I blame him for everything that has happened to me, but moving forward is up to me and more than ever before, I want to move ahead. I don't want to let the flashbacks rule my life anymore.

I do not think I have fully forgiven my father for everything he's done. Sometimes I still feel angry about what my mother did. I admit that forgiving may be one of the hardest things I will ever do. But it's a step that I need to take in order to live a fulfilling life.

Sometimes I pray for my father. I do not hate him. In fact, I do not hate anybody. But I also do not like him. I may not know why he did what he did to me, but I know that he is not all bad. I know that there has to be some good in him, even if I cannot see it. And I do wish and hope that he knows about God. I want him to know that God has forgiven him, even though it may take some time for me to forgive him.

"Every one of us has messed up, and we are all fellow strugglers. When we acknowledge this, we take away our entitlement to blame and shame. We take a little focus off the evil done to us, and put a bit more emphasis on the reality of today and our current struggles as fallible human beings... Without this hurt, life would still not have been a piece of cake, because we, in and of ourselves, would have sinned and made mistakes and fallen short and messed it up in other ways."
-Stephen Arterburn, Reframe Your Life

The last sentence really struck me. I always blame my horrible childhood for making me feel so hurt. I blame my father for almost ruining my life. But the truth is that we all are imperfect and no matter how much we try to live a perfect life, nobody can. We all fail and make mistakes. Sometimes I focus on how evil the stuff my father has done to me is without realizing that I am suffering because of my own imperfections.

A few months ago, my mother sent me something that talked about suffering. It basically said that we have the choice to continue to suffer or to move ahead. At first, I was frustrated that it seemed like she was blaming me for my suffering when I believed I was suffering because of what my father did. But really deep down, to come out of suffering is to change how we see what was done to us. It takes courage to leave the past behind us, especially such a difficult past. It is about realizing that we live in a fallen world and that we have a choice about how we want to live our lives.

All I know is I want to move ahead into God's beautiful plan for my life. I am done being stuck on the negative events of my past. I want to truly heal and I want to forgive.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future."

-Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

A Freedom Worth Fighting For

On this beautiful Memorial Day, I have been thinking a lot about freedom.

"Nothing I do to myself or is done to me by others, no abuse or apathy, nothing that has happened or ever will happen- including death- can separate me from the love of God. That love helped me to forgive, releasing me from my painful past- just as that love has helped so many other forgive and find freedom."
-R. B. Mitchell, Castaway Kid

Interesting thought.

Castaway Kid is a memoir of Mitchell's struggles of growing up in an orphanage, not feeling cared for and feeling abandoned. When he grew up he struggled with forgiving those who had left him to live in the orphanage. I related to Mitchell on many levels, even though we have not gone through the same things. I had fought a few times to get into foster care, but was always stopped. Like Mitchell, I have trouble knowing exactly what a real family is. My idea of family has in some ways been ruined. Trusting others is almost an impossible task.

At this time in my own life, I am struggling with forgiving my father and mother.

How could I forgive my father, who abused me for so many years, who lies to this day about the abuse? How could I forgive my father, who made my life so miserable as a child that my therapists say I shouldn't even be able to function? I've had therapists tell me that I shouldn't function the way that I do. I function pretty well, but I still struggle with the flashbacks. They say I am a true miracle. Quite a few have said that my story is the worst they've ever heard, not really something that makes me feel better.

How can I forgive my mother who neglected me throughout my teen years because she chose her drug dealer boyfriend and alcohol over me? I know she's getting better, but how do I forgive when it feels so painful to this day? Hurt like that runs deep. It's hard to explain what it means to be a teenager who is ignored. Who is taught that drugs and alcohol are more important. I often would see other families when I was growing up and envy them, wishing my family had some normalcy. Wishing I had people who cared about me. Truly cared about me. I thought that being in a foster home may give me more normalcy, but that never happened. I still deal with abandonment issues and feelings that others don't really care about me since I was told on many occasions throughout my life I am worthless.

Freedom isn't always something that just comes. Neither is forgiveness. Sometimes they are something you have to fight for. Isn't that what we are celebrating today? We are celebrating those who fought to give us our freedom.

Freedom is not always free. Sometimes you need to fight in order to be free. Sometimes you need to go through a battle to achieve freedom. And in many ways, I feel as if I've been through many battles. But I've survived. My oldest brother did not.

Sometimes that battle includes forgiving others.

I've often struggled with the idea of "Honor thy mother and father." I've had people say that I need to reconcile with my father and honor him. They have no idea what my father did to me. I have only let a few people into most of the details of my past and even still, there are details I've withheld. Some things are too evil to talk about, even if I relive them every day.

But I do believe that freedom can come from forgiving those who have hurt us. And it's not just a one day ordeal. It's not like I can just say to my father "Oh I forgive you!" No way.

For me, I know forgiveness is going to take a long time. Because I was hurt for many years. In fact, I was neglected and abused for a great majority of my life. That's one of the reasons I have a difficult time in social situations, especially those in which I have to relate to others. Sometimes I feel as if I grew up on another planet. So the progress is slow. It is something I might always deal with. But I still move forward.

"All I could do to honor the woman who birthed me was to forgive her. It was time to stop holding onto resentment, time to move forward."
-R. B. Mitchell, Castaway Kid

Moving forward takes determination. Forgiveness takes strength and willpower. It means that the past no longer controls the present or the future. And that's not easy. Especially when I have PTSD and flashbacks that occur all day long, every single day. But it means that I move into a future in which I am free, no longer chained down by the abuse and neglect. No longer chained down by my past. My past is part of my story but it is not who I am.

The chains that have held me prisoner for so long are slowly being torn apart. I have been finding a strength and resilience within me that I never knew existed. And I am walking into the light and freedom.

Freedom is worth fighting for...

A Letter From God

Something that has been helping me is to write different letters. Today, I decided to write a letter to myself but from the perspective of God writing the letter to me. I based it on things that I have been learning about God and I wanted to share the letter because I thought it might help others.

My dear child,

I want you to know that I have forgiven you. Those parts of your past in which I wept with you and held you, trying to calm you down, I was with you. I was cheering you on, helping you to conquer your fears and doubts about yourself, the world and me.

You questioned me a lot. You asked me if I would forgive you, for both your unintentional and intentional mistakes. You asked me where I was when you were abused and neglected, when evil things invaded your life. You asked me why I allowed you to go through those things. You were angry at me. I understand. In many of those times in your life, you felt like I was absent. Not listening.

But my answer to those questions was, is and always will be…

I have redeemed you.

I have loved you.

I have carried you.

I have mounted you up on eagles’ wings so that you could soar over the storms in your life.

I gave you the strength you needed to fight the battles.

There truly is nothing, no battle too big for me. You see, I created the world and I know your pain. I have seen your pain and I wept with you throughout your painful moments, until we had no more tears to cry. I was angry and upset with you, that you had been so hurt. I was there for you every step of the way. I will never abandon you. You are my precious child.

No matter what the world says, no matter what others around you say or do, always stick to the truth that you have found through me. Always know that you are my precious child and I would never do anything to harm you. I am so sorry you went through all of those things, but I truly strengthened you through those circumstances. I gave you my strength so that you could fight the battles. I gave you courage and wisdom to get to where you are now. I gave you a purpose and meaning for your life, something that nobody except me could give you. I will always comfort you and I hope you know how much I care about you. I know those moments were tough, but I am so proud of how far you have come.

There is nothing too difficult for me. I know you are scared about the future and the unknown but I will help you through everything. Never give up. Keep fighting. Never stop leaning on me for strength. Put your full trust in me because I have carried so many others through difficult circumstances. There is nothing too dark or evil for me to handle. We will get through this and I will help you continue to move forward.

Take my hand and let me lead the way…

Compassionate Letter #2

Something that has been therapeutic for me is something that I recently started doing. I write compassionate letters to myself as if I am writing to someone else who is going through what I am going through. It is very helpful because sometimes it's easier to comfort someone else more than myself. I wanted to share my most recent letter in hopes that it may help someone else.

I know that you are going through a difficult phase in your life right now. I am sorry that you have to go through this but keep trusting in God.

I know that your life is heading in a different direction than you planned and that you are coming to terms slowly with this, but continue to hold onto the promises of God.

Sometimes when something does not work out like you planned, God has something better in store. So do not worry. Throw your worries out the window and be filled with trust. Look at how God has carried you through so many obstacles. Why would He abandon you now?

He won't.

God will be there for you every second of your life journey. He has carried you through worse situations.

I know that you are upset and are dealing with many obstacles but God is your comforter. He can heal you. He may not heal you physically or mentally or in a way that you wish, but He can heal you in ways that you never could have even imagined.

God will never let you go or give up on you, even when it seems like everybody in your life is giving up on you. Find your strength in Him. Find your courage to get through this in the shadow of his wings. With Him, you will thrive and rise above these storms, as you have done in the past.

Yearn for God's presence. Be still and know that He is always with you and He never abandons you. Continue to find blessings in the little things of life- in the sunsets, the birds and the butterflies.

God created them and He created you. You are His precious child and though it may seem like He is distant or does not care, He cares more for you than anyone on this earth will ever care for you. You are extremely precious and beautiful in His eyes. Do not let disappointments and discouragements distract you from this truth.

I know this is a scary and confusing time for you, but know that God is there for you. He always was, always is, and always will be.

Let God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit cleanse you, refresh you and calm the raging storms within yoursoul. Find the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I know that you struggle with feelings of guilt, but know that you are forgiven by God. He has already forgiven you for the past. He wants you to be fully in the present. He wants you to forgive those who you need to forgive- those with which you harbor anger. Don't let the anger and the guilt overrule your life. Step into the light and love of God.

Let God heal you and transform your life. Don't hold onto the past. Hold onto hope. The hope that you can only find in God. Hold onto strength. Hold onto courage. Hold onto the outstretched hands of God, waiting to embrace you and comfort you through this difficult time.

The Love That Never Ends

When I started the journey of this Lenten season, I had no idea where God would lead me. I had no idea of the changes and the amount of healing that I would go through. I had no idea that I would go through so many difficulties.

But through this season, God has truly called my name. He helped me to transform and become closer to Him, closer to Him than I think I ever thought was possible. This morning, during the Easter service at my church, I remembered my baptism. I recommitted to my faith in a way that is very difficult to explain. I realized through the most difficult times in the past 40 days, that the only reason I am here, the only reason I wake up each morning no matter how difficult the day before was, is God and His love and strength. It is only through His strength and guidance that I have endured so much and yet still cling so tightly to Him.

Ever since I moved here last August, I have struggled to make really strong connections with others. I attribute it to my prideful actions and words. I honestly wish I could personally apologize to everyone who I hurt. I think one of the biggest reasons I was so prideful was and is that deep down, I feel like I am not good enough for others. I am ashamed of many things in my past. I grew up being told I was nothing, both through the actions and words of others. My father told me I was stupid and teased me nearly every day.

But there is one event in my life particularly in the past few years that I am most ashamed of.

In past posts and at various points in the past few years, I told people that I fell off a building and that God saved my life. The truth is that I jumped. I was so lost, so broken, so desperate, so empty inside, so ashamed, so shattered, so full of fear, that I thought the only way that I could overcome the difficulties in my life was to permanently end the pain. I thought it was my only way out of the suffering.

But God has continually shown me that through His strength, I can move forward in my life. I do not have to let the painful moments in my life run or ruin everything. I can move forward into wholeness, into a peace which surpasses all understanding.

By the grace of God, I survived the jump. The police said that a tree saved my life. I am also blessed that even though I sustained a few burst fractures in my vertebrae that I can walk and run.

I realized this morning that I do not have to be ashamed of my attempt. In the past few years, I have been extremely ashamed of it. Some of it has been because I do not want to remember how I felt at that time. I tell others that I fell so that I am not bombarded by questions. I do not want to go back there. But still some of the shame came from feeling like I betrayed God; I felt like I was so far from Him. How can He forgive me for trying to take the most wonderful and precious gift- my life- that I have ever been given? How will He ever forgive me for that? Can I really still be loved by God after doing that? Can He really and truly care about me that much?

And the answer to those questions is yes. He tells me all the time how much He loves me.

The main reason I wanted to share this with you is because I can truly say that no matter how bad the things we have done are, God’s love is greater still. As Corrie Ten Boom said, “There is no pit so deep, that God's love is not deeper still.” Nothing, truly nothing, can separate us from His love.

I have realized that I have nothing to be ashamed of, because Christ has redeemed me in a way that no one and nothing else can redeem me. I do not have to run from my past any longer, because it has made me who I am. It has made me an incredibly strong person. It has made me closer to God than I think I ever have been. His love is more powerful, more full of grace, more full of mercy than any other love in this world.

And that… that is why I choose to live and fight through each day in order to move forward. I have sinned, I have said awful things, I have tried to hide the deep, dark part of me from others, but God has picked me up out of that and truly placed my feet on the firm foundation. He has filled me with a faith and a peace which truly do not make sense. I am not ashamed anymore that He chose to save me from the darkest time in my life or that He chose to call me by my name so that I could run towards Him.

My prayer and hope for you is that you know that you are forgiven. My prayer is that together, we can walk unashamed of the love that was shown on the cross. Our shame gone. Our guilt gone. Our sins washed away. The dirt no longer apparent. White as snow.

My prayer is that you know that there is someone who offers you healing in a way that you could not even imagine. There is someone who goes with you into each of the storms you will face. He forgives you. He loves you. And He never stops loving and healing you. There is nothing, no one greater than Him.

And most of all, He is mighty to save.

Walking Through the Valley Unafraid

I am going to admit it.

This life is difficult and we will face challenges.

The past two days, I have been very hypervigilant, particularly in the afternoon. Very jumpy. I jump at the slightest clap or loud noise.

But the greatest thing is that I was able to control my hypervigilance for the first time yesterday. I stopped it before it became a bigger issue.

How?

I reminded myself that God was with me. I said Psalm 23 over and over in my head. Whenever I’ve been having flashbacks lately, I have been reminding myself that God is there and He will never let me go, never leave me, never abandon me.

As I’ve mentioned before in previous posts, I grew up in a very difficult family situation. I grew up knowing almost every police officer. I grew up hearing “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.” I grew up watching my family being torn apart by violence. Threats. Punching walls. Stealing to pay for drugs. You name it, I saw it.

Part of my hypervigilance comes from not being understood or believed. This stems from feeling alone my entire life. I felt like nobody had my back, except for God.

I clung to Scripture because it has always given me so much hope, even in the darkest times in my life. When I felt alone, when I cried myself to sleep, I clung to the hope found in the Bible. I clung to the hope that there really is a God who loves me and my pastors at my church were really telling the truth. I decorated my room with Scripture. I read my Bible day and night as a teenager. I even gave a children’s sermon at my church on Youth Sunday. I went to church when nobody else in my family wanted to go.

Why?

Because there is so much power in God, Christ and the Holy Spirit. There is so much grace and mercy found in Jesus.

I broke down this morning. I was praying at church during a 24 hour prayer time as I looked up at a cross. It really spoke to me. Christ humbled himself and suffered for all of us. There is so much power in that. I do not know if I can really get it across in a blog post how truly magnificent and powerful that is. God loved us so much that He sacrificed His son.

Through my anxiety and the different issues I deal with on a daily basis, much of which is a result of my upbringing, I realize that we are truly never alone. No matter how alone you feel, no matter how dark your life feels, no matter how bad you think you cannot go on any longer, know that there is a God who loves you unconditionally. No matter what you’ve done or not done.

And he understands you…

I wrote this poem a few years ago when I felt very misunderstood.

I am

Was

Will be

Misunderstood

The pain

No one understands

The tears

No one understands

The fear

No one understands

The nightmares

No one understands

The flashbacks

No one understands

Reliving day after day

What made me

Different

What made me feel

weird

disgusting

Misunderstood

No one understands

But God

I can say all I want about God, but honestly I do not know everything about Him. What I have said in this blog comes from years and years of studying the Bible, listening to sermons, attending and leading Bible studies and just being in the presence of God.

But His Word, His truth, His strength, and His presence in my life is what has carried me this far.

It honestly is not by my strength. Yes, I’ve worked hard to get to where I am. But God has continually saved my life, literally. He has been and always will be the only stable thing in my life.

When all else fails, He understands, He cares, He loves, He forgives, and most importantly, He helps me continue to move forward.

And He does the same for you.

“If God be for us, who can be against us?” –Romans 8:31 (KJV)

No matter what you’re going through, I hope you know that you can continue to fight, knowing that God is with you every step of the way.

There have been many songs on my playlist that have been on replay, specifically about overcoming fear so I wanted to share one of my favorites: Unafraid by Joy Williams

To Love Beyond The Hurt

“If I hadn’t let go of that anger, I’d be consumed by this need for revenge. Forgiving him helps me move on.” –Victoria Ruvolo

Yesterday afternoon, I went to the library to return some books. Since I have a bunch of books already out, I had not planned on looking for other books, but something told me to check the New Books section. I came across Max Lucado’s new book “Grace” and began reading it last night.

In this book, Max talks about Victoria Ruvolo’s story. A teenage boy tried to pull a prank on her, which ultimately landed her in the ICU struggling to stay alive. She chose to forgive this boy, though, and a judge gave him a reduced sentence.

Something that God has been speaking to me a lot about lately is forgiveness. Throughout my life, I have constantly been deeply hurt by those I loved the most. To tell you the truth, I love those people still, but deep inside, I do still feel angry about what they have done to me.

Why would they do that to me? Why was I not protected? Why have I protected others, but when it comes to protecting me, nobody was there? How could I be hurt so deeply by those I love and care for so much?

I also have some anger towards myself as well.

Why did I let them do those things to me? So what if I was a little kid and didn’t know any better- I knew it was not the right thing to do, so why did I do those things? Is there something wrong with me?

These are the questions I have been dealing with a lot lately.

Deep down, I know that if I want to move forward, then I need to forgive myself and also truly forgive those who have hurt me.

Part of the reason it has been so difficult to forgive is that most of those people have not really changed. Most of them have yet to even apologize for what they have done to me. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it to forgive them if they keep doing the same thing that led me to forgive them in the first place.

But isn’t that how God works towards us?

I know personally that I have apologized to others and God for something and then continued to do the same thing, usually not on purpose. Sometimes I believe that true repentance is a process, not just a click of the finger and everything’s okay. To truly change a behavior takes time.

No matter what, though, God always forgives us. And His forgiveness is a gift, not something that we can earn by doing good things.

Max Lucado shines light on one of the most symbolic representations of the forgiveness we find in God. He talked about how Jesus washed the disciples’ feet. Jesus Christ became a servant and literally washed the feet of those who doubted him and even betrayed him.

I do not know if I would even be able to wash the feet of those people in my life who have hurt me so deeply.

But as Christians and as human beings, I believe that we are called to forgive. It’s not necessarily for those who have hurt us. It is about moving forward and not letting the anger rule our lives. It is not saying what the person did was right at all, which is something I have personally struggled with.

As I have shared previously, in the past few months when I was having bouts of spasms and stuttering, I was mocked, laughed at and ignored at various times by many people. In those times, I continually said to myself, “Forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing.”

Jesus Christ came to love and to heal, yet he was mocked, laughed at, ignored, and eventually brutally murdered by those he loved. I find truth in those words that He said on the cross, because I have felt them and said them. I have prayed for and loved those who have hurt me, not by my strength but through God’s strength. The people who hurt me in the recent months and also throughout my life probably do not know the full extent of how deeply they hurt me. But they do not need to, because I still love them and I realize that they probably did not know everything that they were doing. They did not know everything that was going on. They did not realize how deeply it hurt to be laughed at when I was trying so hard to control my uncontrollable spasms. But I realized that in order for me to move forward, I needed to ask God to help me forgive them in those moments. I did not want anger to rule over me.

On a larger scale, I am currently working towards forgiving those who have hurt me on a much deeper level and for much longer periods of time in my life. Forgiveness, I think, is one of the most important steps in the healing process, but it tends to be the most difficult as well, especially forgiving ourselves.

I do not know everything about forgiveness, and I do not think I can honestly say that I have fully forgiven those in my past. But what I can say is that I am on the journey towards forgiveness and healing. Not for those who have hurt me. But for my ability to move forward and to do everything that God has called me to do. Again, forgiveness is a process and a journey.

To forgive is to live. To forgive is to heal. To forgive is to move forward.