Nothing to be Ashamed of

Wow… God is healing me like never before in ways that I never could have imagined and I wanted to share some stuff that happened today in hopes that it may help others.

I came across a post on Facebook about celebrities speaking out about their mental illnesses.

As I watched the videos, I was moved in more ways than one, but especially by Mary J. Blige’s story. Growing up as a teenager, I loved to listen to her music. I could relate to the stories in her songs but as I listened to her tell her story, it was the first time I truly understood why her music spoke to me so much.

She said that “All of my life as a teenager I saw women abused, called names, being beaten.” As she spoke those words, I related. As I have shared, I watched my mother being brutally beaten by my father when I was six years old. My father tried to tell me a few years ago that they were not fighting. Little does he know that her  screams will be forever etched in my mind. The images will forever be ingrained.  He has denied ever abusing me, even though he used to physically abuse me all throughout my childhood. My brother even has flashbacks from watching me be abused.

Having been through so much abuse and watching others being abused has made it next to impossible for me to trust people. When I meet men, I am usually suspicious that they have something that they’re hiding. Sometimes it’s just easier not to trust and just avoid people. But slowly I am learning that there are great people out there who don’t have anything to hide. No ulterior motives. Just kind, genuine and real people who want to help people. As I heal, I am learning how to trust. I am learning that I am worthy of love and that I don't deserve anything less. In many ways, I have come to believe that I deserve the abuse, the hate, the lack of kindness. But I am starting to grow and heal. God is restoring my heart in so many ways.

I stumbled across this flower almost blooming a few days ago and I took a photo of it because in a lot of ways, I feel like I am getting ready to bloom. God is healing and transforming my life in so many ways, it is overwhelming.

It means more than words can say to have people and role models who  speak out about what they have been through. I feel less alone. I know that there are others who relate to me. And that is why I continue to write this blog. Being alone can get pretty dim. Feeling alone is no way to live.

I came across a music video by Demi Lovato, who has spoken out about her bipolar disorder. Her song, Skyscraper made me cry the first time I watched the Youtube video. It is absolutely beautiful. It is a testament to the human spirit and the fact that as humans, we can overcome anything that comes our way. We can stand up against things that are meant to harm us. We can stand tall and be proud of who we are. We can stand up against those who do not show us love. We can stand up to those who treat us badly and sometimes that means just being who we are, instead of letting the memories of their abuse dictate how we feel or how we live our lives.

We truly have nothing to be ashamed of. 

I hope the power in those words really comes across, because tonight I am finally choosing to stand tall. I am making the decision to heal.