Not So Quick to Judge

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am reading a book called Perfect Chaos. It is written by a mother and a daughter telling the daughter's journey with bipolar disorder. Reading this book has opened my eyes to what it feels like to be a mother with a daughter who has mental illness. Reading the daughter's story has also made me realize that I am not alone in this fight.

I wanted to talk about a few quotes that really spoke to me as I read yesterday.

"I recognized some of the patients as men and women whom I have passed on street corners, under freeway overpasses , in the city parks... The world of the nameless mentally ill and the life of my beautiful daughter were one and the same."
-Cinda Johnson, Perfect Chaos

Like the mother, Cinda, when I entered my first hospitalization in a major city (Syracuse), I realized how many of the other patients were homeless. I was so different than them, being a student, yet our worlds were very similar in that we all are battling mental illness. 

Psych units are definitely interesting places. I've been inpatient 9 times in psych units, two child and seven adult. I feel like I have seen everything. It's a different world. I had to get used to realizing that what I was experiencing was not normal. I remember talking to a girl about her hearing voices and hoping I never would hear voices. A few years later, I started to hear voices.

My new world was full of medications, hospital bills, inpatient stays and outright frustration. 

My first hospitalization ever was in a child psych unit and it was pretty calm, except for the occasional tantrum. I still remember watching a young child be "shot in the butt" after a psychotic breakdown.

I realized that I was entering a new world, full of confusion, terror and the unknown.

"Mental illness doesn't care if you are rich or poor, well connected or not, loved or deserted."
-Cinda Johnson, Perfect Chaos

This quote also struck me, because I think so many people think that all mentally ill people are homeless or they have other misconceptions about mentally ill people.

Mentally ill people are people. We didn't ask to be mentally ill. We didn't ask for our brains to go haywire. But our brains did and we have to deal with the repercussions. We have to fight every day against awful thoughts, hallucinations and psychosis.

It is not an easy fight but it's worth it.

If anything, I wish that people were not so quick to judge those who are mentally ill. We have enough to deal with without the stigmas.

Not Ashamed

My paranoia has been going away the past few days and I feel myself coming back to my normal state. Paranoia is terrifying and takes you away from "normal." It puts you in a state of constant, uncontrollable fear and dread. Every interaction with others is full of fear. It took all of me to go to work, because the paranoia even invaded my job, although I tried to hide it as much as possible.

Today marks three months since I got out of my last hospitalization. With 5 hospitalizations in the last 10 months, this is the longest stretch of time I've had out of the hospital since my move to Florida. It is refreshing and encouraging. Even though I've dealt with intense paranoia and psychosis while out of the hospital, I've been able to maintain my new job and move forward through therapy and meeting with my psychiatrist. 

I've been able to move forward despite the challenges.

If anything, I wish that more people knew what it was like to have a mental illness or were at least more aware of what it's like. People are all too quick to judge someone with mental illness and sometimes that's because it's kind of an "invisible" disability. Even though it's "invisible," it can have devastating consequences on someone's life. 

I would never wish it upon anybody, but I wish there was more understanding. I've been vocal about my disorders because I'm not ashamed. It's not my fault that I have mental illnesses. They are very challenging and I am proud of how far I've come. I am proud that I've lived on my own and fully financially supported myself for the past year. My mental illnesses are extremely difficult at times, especially when I feel alone because nobody understands, but I take every day as it comes.

I'm not ashamed to be mentally ill.

God created me with the mental illnesses and so I am going to live to the best of my ability and shine His light in the darkness on this earth.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made"

-Psalm 139:14(NIV)

Lifting the Stigmas

So just like that... the paranoia has lifted. The fog is gone.

I saw some people licking their lips but it doesn't really phase me anymore. I just moved on. I think part of my success is the new medication kicking in and the other part of it has been therapy, working through the paranoid thoughts.

People know I'm vocal about my disorders. I don't think people should have to be ashamed of having mental illness. There is nothing shameful about having a misbalance in the chemicals in the brain, the most complex organ in our bodies. For me, I have come across many stigmas dealing with mental illness. But fortunately, they haven't stopped me from getting help.

I think all too much, stigmas have stopped many people from getting the help they need. It is annoying at times that many other disorders or diseases have no stigmas, but if I tell someone I have mental illness, they suddenly turn away. It's like people want to run away from me; I have an adult case of the cooties.

Mental illness is not something to make fun of or run away from. It can be devastating. But with proper help, it can be treated. With therapy and medications, I have stayed out of the hospital for almost 3 months, despite having bad paranoia and PTSD. I am moving forward in a lot of ways.

If you care about mental illness or people with it, please watch this video I found yesterday and share it with others. We have a voice and together, we can fight the stigmas.

Grace for the Difficult

Today was my second day at work. It was a busy day. I only work twenty hours a week, so my days are really short. I love having the afternoons to myself, to take a nap or read a book. It helps me be able to calm down and destress even while I am working.

After work, I finished getting my medications refilled. To say this is one of the most important things I do each month is an understatement. I do not necessary like taking medications, but I know it is critical for my success in life. I know that if I do not take them, I will not function.

One thing I have struggled a bit with are my diagnoses. I have no problem agreeing that I have PTSD, but I have had a little trouble with the diagnosis of bipolar. When I went off the medications last summer, my mom and I agreed that I didn't really have the symptoms. I never stayed up for days. My thoughts were not really rapid. I didn't go on spending sprees.

When I went off the meds, I was diagnosed with autism and undiagnosed with bipolar since my test scores were "counterindicative of bipolar." I was diagnosed with autism again earlier this year and the new doctor agreed that I was not bipolar. Even with my new diagnoses, I still have a hard time saying that I do not have autism because a lot of my symptoms and even my IQ scores are indicative of autism. I've heard of people being diagnosed with autism and a mental illness. It's rare but possible.

After going off the meds, my bipolar illness came back with a vengeance after staying dormant almost half a year, so much so that I had no choice but to admit that I have it. This has taken a little getting used to. When I first was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, I was no doubt upset. It's not easy being diagnosed with something so serious and chronic. The stigmas against mental illness are also very hard to overcome. People tend to run away from it more than they do with people with other illnesses.

But I think that's where my faith comes in. My faith says that things will get better. My faith says to rely on God for the strength to get through the difficult days. My faith says there is a light in the darkness. My faith says God is bigger than anything I'm diagnosed with.

I honestly don't know where I would be without my faith. It is the hope I find in God that keeps me going, no matter how dark the days become. It is by His grace, His peace, His love and His joy that I continue to live regardless of what's thrown at me. It's through Him that I get up each morning and take my morning and night medications.

I wanted to leave with a version of a song that I love that talks about God's grace.

Love/Hate Relationship

I am currently in a love/hate relationship with my meds. On one hand, they are my friend and on the other hand, they are my enemy.

But first let me introduce you to them…

These are my morning meds...

and these are my night meds...

Let me begin by saying that sometimes I do miss my mania and I can understand why many people with bipolar want to go off their meds. The meds seem to make life dull. When I am manic, I am a ball of boundless energy. I come up with ideas every two seconds because my brain is working at the speed of light. Quantum physics? No problem. Marathon running? No problem. In fact when I was manic, I lost 60 pounds in just 5 months and went from running 11 minute miles to running 6 minute miles in a few weeks. Who wouldn't want that? When I am manic, I feel like I can be all, do all, and conquer the world. And in many ways, it’s not just a belief. I actually do amazing things when I’m manic.

The meds do a reality check for me. My meds tend to make me very drowsy and slow me down a lot. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a fog and I’m just so dang tired.

But the good side of my meds is that they take away the psychosis.  And that means more to me than words can say. My psychotic episodes were more than enough to tell me that I need to stay on my meds. It’s almost like God wanted to scare the daylights out of me in order to keep me on my meds. As I posted yesterday, I often have flashbacks of my psychotic episodes. My psychosis is absolutely terrifying.

My memory is foggy as well on the meds. When I am off my meds, my memory is out of this world. I can memorize anything I see. Vivid memories from my childhood, both good and bad, come at all times. The more I was off the meds, the more I could recall details from many years earlier, including the details of lectures from five or six years ago. I could remember even vivid details of my preschool classroom.  I often say that I have photographic memory when I am off my meds and there may be truth in that. Photographic, or eidetic, memory is known to happen in people with mental illness, like schizophrenia. It kind of feels like a superpower and now that I'm on the meds, it's been taken away. A lot of the time I wish I could be manic without the paranoia and psychosis, but I can't. I can either function or not function... 

And for my sanity, I have to choose to function. To get on with my life, I need to choose to function. And that means taking my meds.

When I first started blogging about my journey with mental illness, some people said to hush about it or to use a pseudonym. Many couldn't understand why I wanted to be so vocal about my mental illness, why I wanted to be so visible, why I didn't want to hide the deep things that I deal with on a daily basis. But I don’t understand this because I see my illness as the same as other serious physical illnesses. It's not something I chose. It's something that I was born with. It’s something I have to deal with and sometimes it is out of control. 

I personally don’t understand why there are so many stigmas associated with mental illness. I know that people with mental illness can be hard to deal with sometimes, but who of us isn't hard to deal with sometimes? It's not like I choose to be depressed. Sometimes it just happens due to the chemicals in my brain. I don’t understand why I have to be quiet about what I’m dealing with.

I am here to say that I am not ashamed to have mental illness. I have gotten to where I am despite the mental illnesses I deal with day in and day out. And I believe that’s something to be happy about, not ashamed. Why should I be quiet about overcoming such difficult things? I want to educate others about what it is like to have mental illness. I wish more people knew that living with mental illness is not something to be ashamed of, but rather people with mental illness deserve to be embraced, not thrown away in mental institutions. It is a chronic illness and it is something that I will deal with for the rest of my life. I probably will always be on meds.

I know that my meds are my ticket to a good life and that if I go off of them, I may end up in a state mental institution. Due to my frequent hospitalizations this year, I was almost placed in one actually. I feel like I was almost thrown away from society, soon to be forgotten, just another casualty of mental illness. I don't deserve to be thrown away. I have dedicated my life to making a difference in the world and nothing can stop me from doing that, even mental illness. This past semester was the hardest semester in my academic career, but I stayed strong and persevered, finished up my semester strong and I am set to get my Masters by December.

No matter how good the “high” of bipolar feels, it is not enough to make me go off my meds. My functioning means more to me than the mania.