"All of our lives and all of our pain cannot be blamed on someone who neglected, abused and hurt us."
-Stephen Arterburn, Reframe Your Life
I admit that I tend to focus on the hurt that has done to me. After all, I was abused for 7 years and neglected for 3 years. Add to that the fact that I have PTSD, in which I relive the trauma every single day. Needless to say, I feel entitled to be angry about my past.
But I really do have a choice.
I can either let my father, who I haven't talked to or seen in years, continue to rule my life or I can move ahead into God's plans for my life.
Sometimes I blame him for everything that has happened to me, but moving forward is up to me and more than ever before, I want to move ahead. I don't want to let the flashbacks rule my life anymore.
I do not think I have fully forgiven my father for everything he's done. Sometimes I still feel angry about what my mother did. I admit that forgiving may be one of the hardest things I will ever do. But it's a step that I need to take in order to live a fulfilling life.
Sometimes I pray for my father. I do not hate him. In fact, I do not hate anybody. But I also do not like him. I may not know why he did what he did to me, but I know that he is not all bad. I know that there has to be some good in him, even if I cannot see it. And I do wish and hope that he knows about God. I want him to know that God has forgiven him, even though it may take some time for me to forgive him.
"Every one of us has messed up, and we are all fellow strugglers. When we acknowledge this, we take away our entitlement to blame and shame. We take a little focus off the evil done to us, and put a bit more emphasis on the reality of today and our current struggles as fallible human beings... Without this hurt, life would still not have been a piece of cake, because we, in and of ourselves, would have sinned and made mistakes and fallen short and messed it up in other ways."
-Stephen Arterburn, Reframe Your Life
The last sentence really struck me. I always blame my horrible childhood for making me feel so hurt. I blame my father for almost ruining my life. But the truth is that we all are imperfect and no matter how much we try to live a perfect life, nobody can. We all fail and make mistakes. Sometimes I focus on how evil the stuff my father has done to me is without realizing that I am suffering because of my own imperfections.
A few months ago, my mother sent me something that talked about suffering. It basically said that we have the choice to continue to suffer or to move ahead. At first, I was frustrated that it seemed like she was blaming me for my suffering when I believed I was suffering because of what my father did. But really deep down, to come out of suffering is to change how we see what was done to us. It takes courage to leave the past behind us, especially such a difficult past. It is about realizing that we live in a fallen world and that we have a choice about how we want to live our lives.
All I know is I want to move ahead into God's beautiful plan for my life. I am done being stuck on the negative events of my past. I want to truly heal and I want to forgive.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
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