I want to share what God is teaching me through the journey of life. I believe that life is ultimately about taking the obstacles in your way, overcoming them and transforming them into something beautiful. I currently live with Schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar disorder), Autism and PTSD.
Boy, oh boy, the last few days have been incredible and bittersweet, joyful and exciting... For those who don't know, I graduated with a Masters of Science in Biomedical Engineering yesterday. It has been a very hard road, including 5 hospitalizations in the last year and a half. It is bittersweet because I had to say goodbye to so many people that really mean a lot to me.
I was talking to the lady who sat next to me on my flight from Charlotte, NC to Newark, NJ for most of our flight. When I told her that I graduated with a Masters, she said she met a miracle. And that's how I feel... It is nothing short of a miracle how I graduated and moved forward. I couldn't have done it without God and my faith as well as the love and support of many people who have had my back. I am officially the first person in my family to graduate college and now graduate school. I feel like I am breaking the cycle of drugs, alcohol and mental illness. I still have mental illness, but I am achieving things I never thought possible. Mental illness truly does not have to stop you from achieving your dreams. I think I'm living proof of that. If you take anything from this blog, I would take great joy if you find hope. Not only do I want to spread awareness of mental illness, but I also want to spread hope. Hope is incredibly important and the reason I wake up every morning. I'll leave you with a photo from my graduation of my mom and I...
It's my first morning post-school and I want to blog but I don't know what to write about. So I'll just let my stream of consciousness flow.
My mom is still sleeping...
I am so excited to have her down here with me to see me graduate, something that I knew was possible but at times thought was impossible. Someone I work with on campus said there were many times, especially last semester, when I could have gone in the wrong direction but didn't. My therapist says it's like a fork in the road. You can either choose the negative lane or the positive lane.
My mom and I have been through it all together and to have her here means the world to me. We have seen dark days together and we have seen bright days together... and Saturday, when I graduate, is a very bright day. We will be all smiles and full of joy.
I posted on my Facebook yesterday about how the last two times my mom was down in Florida, it was because I was in the hospital. It's such a difference this time under better circumstances. The excitement and joy is felt in the air.
My mom is incredibly strong and I think some of my strength and willpower comes from her. My willpower to never give up. To keep fighting the good fight. To keep marching forward, no matter what the weather.
The past year and a half of graduate school has been one of the toughest times in my life, but I didn't give up because, to me, giving up is not an option. I have always been a fighter, always yearning for the better day.
I did something extremely difficult today. I talked about the details of my abuse with my therapist. She asked me questions and I told her the nitty gritty details of what happened to me for 7 years.
Part of me doesn't like telling the details because my PTSD tends to be heightened and the pain of going through it by speaking about it is tremendous. For most of the day after therapy, it was hard to take my mind off of it. Another part of me doesn't like telling the details because I don't know how the other person or people will react. Because I was told for so many years that nobody would ever believe me, it's kind of gotten ingrained in my head.
But today was different. She asked me questions and did not seem to be overwhelmed with what happened to me. I've had a few therapists even cry when I told them. And I wonder why. Because I don't usually cry about it. I think I've been kind of desensitized in a way.
The past few times I've told a lot of details, I've thought the people I was telling didn't believe me. As I told one therapist about my life, her eyes kept getting wider and wider. She looked confused and in disbelief. So I asked her, "Why are you looking at me like that?" She said, "I'm trying to take it all in. That's a lot for one small person to go through." You're telling me.
Therapy is something that I've usually found to be beneficial. Given the right therapist, I have been able to talk about my issues and move forward. Currently, I am talking about my traumatic experiences and also working on challenging my paranoid thinking.
As I've posted in recent posts, I've been dealing with some paranoia. I think that others are after me and that people are talking behind my back, conspiring against me. The last few days, I've been talking to people and they've been helping me to challenge these thoughts. For instance, I keep thinking about the possibility that everyone in town is against me. Wouldn't I know if everyone was? Why would everybody be after me?
Paranoia and psychosis are tricky to deal with. But through therapy, I'm managing the paranoia quite well. My therapist agreed that the paranoia is something that the meds might not help so I have to cognitively work through the paranoid thoughts. With the medication, it's at a level that I am able to do this.
Mental illness is not easy, especially with a history of abuse, neglect, homelessness and loss. But moving forward can be done. Slowly but surely. I am amazed at how resilient I have been and at how far I have come. Not a day goes by that I am not amazed that I am getting a Masters in December. I've been told that I've endured more than most people go through in a lifetime and I've accomplished so much. I've had people tell me they'd buckle under only one of the things I've gone through. My resilience comes from God's strength. I get up every morning because I know that each new day is from God.
A scene from Sister Act 2 just came into my mind, when a young boy sings "Oh Happy Day." When he first sings, he is really shy and you can barely hear him. But then Whoopi encourages and helps him. He bursts out with an absolutely beautiful voice. I think in the same vein, we need to give this life all we got inside of us. With the right encouragement, courage and strength, we can burst with love, peace and joy because no matter how difficult this life gets, we always know that God is beside us and within us. We can sing our song of God's goodness and grace to those around us.
