October 21, 2009: Five Years Later

Dear readers, friends, and family,

Some of you I have known my whole life, some I've known for a few weeks. Some of you I have never met. But each of you has played a special role in my life.

October 21, 2009 was like any other day. I went to college classes, had a meeting and then taught a class. But when everybody least expected it, it became what should have been my last day here on earth. According to me, not God. Trust me, He made it very clear.

I'd like to say that from that day on, life became easy, but it did not. The weeks following, I was put on medications, particularly one, that I would find out almost 5 years later became the initial cause of my misdiagnosis of schizophrenia and the reason I dealt with paranoia for 5 years (unnecessarily). I have been put on over 15 medications, of which I am allergic to about 80%.

In the past 5 years, I graduated at the top of my class in college with honors, won multiple awards and was set to get paid to get a PhD in Biomedical Engineering. But the symptoms of paranoia got worse in graduate school. However, I graduated with a Masters degree.

However hard life is, it is days like this, my 5 year anniversary of what definitely should have been my last day, that we take "inventory" of the blessings of God in our lives. Whether or not you believe in God, we are all blessed in this life. I know what some of you are thinking because I have thought it myself. "How can you say I'm blessed when I have nothing left, whether materialistically, emotionally, physically, etc? I am exhausted, worn out, etc."

I have been there, not just 5 years ago, but multiple times in my life.

As I write this, there are wartorn countries, countries in Africa that are burying at least 50 people a day, and people in financial crisis and dying from hunger or cancer, etc. The list goes on because this world is filled with both good and evil. But I will share something that has kept me going.

HOPE.

After my "fall" of 30-40 feet in 2009, I took a medical leave and went home. I found a group that helped me a lot and one of the women in the group gave me a necklace with a ring on it that said "HOPE" 3 times. The day I received it, I put it on and didn't take it off unless I was hospitalized. I have been hospitalized 8 times in the past 5 years. However, one of the hospital nurses last year took my hospital bracelet off (on which the ring was taped) and it was lost forever. At the time, I was catatonic due to the meds and could not talk. I couldn't tell her that the ring was on the bracelet she just cut off.

Oh well. Just because we lose a material thing(s) that means a lot to us does not mean we lose hope. Yes, the ring reminded me constantly of hope, but now it is so engrained in my mind and heart that I do not need a necklace.

Hope is what keeps me waking up every morning, no matter how difficult I think "tomorrow" will be. Faith is trusting that God will carry me through whatever is placed in front of me. Because I look at all He has carried me through and I say "Wow" in a deep, meaningful, humble way.

I woke up on the ground that night in 2009 and remember all the details. I remember being told that I fractured several vertebrae. I remember them asking me if I could feel my feet or any tingling anywhere in my legs. Vertebrae surround the spinal cord and my vertebrae in my thoracic and lumbar regions were basically shattered, and yet somehow, the shattering did nothing to my spinal cord. I saw the scans of my back and still have that image forever engrained in my mind.

That night will always be in my memory. In a way I am thankful for those memories, because as I train for my first Half Marathon next Spring, I don't take running for granted. I don't take walking for granted. And most importantly, I do not take life for granted. I feel blessed beyond belief. While I may not always be "happy" when I still deal with bipolar and severe PTSD, I do honestly feel content. Yeah, things are tough. But that's life. Contentedness comes not from everything being perfect (because it won't be here on earth), but from our attitudes towards life, God, our circumstances, etc. I may not always find joy in every moment of life, but when I do, I relish in it.

Because I should have died 5 years ago.

How do I know? The EMTs told my mom that I hit a tree and it saved my life.

How do I know that God cares deeply about me (and you)? Because He preserved my ability to run. Running has been so critical in my recovery from mental illness. It helps me feel free, strong, and reminds me of how capable I am of moving forward. I feel God when I run. It also is a physical representation of truly getting back up from a fall.

This life is a journey, with its ups and downs. But always, always, always hold on to hope and joy. Do not let the dark valleys and pits overtake you. For God is there with you, helping you up the ladder or motivating you to get "unstuck."

May the God of love, who is love, bring you all through whatever you are going through today, tomorrow and the days, months, and years to come. May we all remember to hold onto hope.

Sincerely,
Chelsea

Newfound Respect

"First, I accept my inability to control the disease of alcoholism and admit that my life is unmanageable. Next, I come to believe that a Power greater than myself can help. After taking these two steps, it becomes possible, desirable and even logical, to make the enormous decision to trust my life to a Higher Power's care."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan. 23 Devotion

Let me be real for a second.... I have heard about AA and Alanon for the great majority of my life. I went to a couple meetings of each, although I am not an alcoholic and have never even drank a sip of alcohol. But I never understood the first step (Admit that your life is unmanageable).

I never understood it until this morning when I read it. Why? Because I've been stubborn. I am the type of person who thinks I have control of things. One thing that also frustrated me was that why would I say my life is unmanageable because of alcohol when I have never even touched it? In some ways I felt I didn't belong. 

I don't want to admit that I may not have control of things. As a child growing up in an abusive and alcoholic home, I always wanted to fix things in my family. I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted things to be better.

But what I didn't understand until now is that the first step and the second step work together. Instead of relying on ourselves to make things better, we are supposed to trust God to help us move forward through the unmanageable lifestyles we lead. And I think that this applies to anyone, not just alcoholics or family and friends of alcoholics.

Needless to say, I have a newfound respect for AA and Alanon. I honestly used to be frustrated when I sat in a meeting and they read the steps. Why couldn't I control my life? Why couldn't I make things better? Why do I have to admit that my life is unmanageable?

But now I know the deeper meaning in the steps. And I have to get rid of my stubborness...

Wondrous Events

"Some of the most wondrous events grow out of what appears to be disasters... Today, I know that even when my situation looks bleak and I can't see any way out, miracles can happen if I turn my will and my life over to God."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 17 Devotion

In case you don't notice, I accidentally read the February 17 devotion this morning. I am in the middle of watching a movie and very tired but the quote above really spoke to me.

Sometimes when everything looks negative in our lives, that's when we need the most faith. For me, last year when I was going through all of the paranoia and psychosis, I went to the lake all the time to speak to God. My faith in God grew through going to the lake, day after day. I remember going and being surrounded by leaves falling. It felt like God was whispering to me that He loves me. Even in the darkest of circumstances, I felt the light and love of God.

Currently, I am applying for jobs like crazy. I don't know what will happen from here, but I have faith that God has a wonderful plan for my life and that He will never leave me. It's been a few weeks since I started applying and I haven't heard anything, so I'm beginning to get frustrated. That's when I need to trust God the most.

For now, I am enjoying life while applying for jobs, working on my first book, reading books and watching movies. I can honestly say that I am enjoying life as it comes. Especially since I'm taking my meds...

Trusting God Through It All

"No one knows the future- except God...What should this mean? It should give us humility before God, and it should give us trust- trust in the God who does know our futures, and who works all things for His glory. You can trust all your tomorrows to Him!"
-Billy Graham, Hope for Each Day, Dec. 27 Devotional

Let me be even more real than I usually am for a second... I got a call from a collections agency last night about a hospital bill that I don't remember receiving. Needless to say, I was frustrated and scared. I have had a few hospital bills go to collections because I have been hospitalized so much that I have lost track of them. There are just way too many... I've been hospitalized 10 times in the past few years and that includes quite a few brain scans.

I needed this devotional this morning. I needed to be reminded that God has my whole life in His hands and that He's got my back.

God always delivers when I most need it and He never stops caring. Finances have not always been easy for my family, in fact we have always been considered poor. That is why we eventually became homeless when I was a teenager.

But I was reminded that God has always provided exactly what I need and sometimes more. So I keep on keeping on trusting God through it all... Through the frustration, through the fears, through the tears...

God always provides.
-

Blessed

Yesterday was pretty scary for me. I'm not going to lie. I spent about 8 hours in the ER because yesterday morning, when I was waiting for a class to start, I got a bad headache (one of the worst I've ever gotten) and I lost half of my vision for about half an hour. A friend in my class told me not to go to class and so I left and went home. My vision came back, but I still had the headache all day.

I was trying to avoid going to the ER but a few people told me to go. So I went. A few of my friends stayed with me while I was in the hospital. The nurses and doctors asked me a bunch of questions and they wanted to make sure it was nothing serious like a tumor or an aneurysm. They said it sounded like that was possible so they told me I needed to get a CT scan and a spinal tap/lumbar puncture.

After waiting, everything was clear, so I was very relieved. It helped knowing that it was nothing serious. It was very scary losing some of my vision for half an hour, but I'm glad it wasn't anything serious.

I kept praying and putting it in God's hands. I woke up with a very bad headache this morning and I still have it as I'm writing this post but I know it's probably from the spinal tap.

Sometimes health problems are very scary but you need to keep trusting that God has it all in His hands and that everything will be okay. I was semi-prepared if it was anything serious, but I trusted God that everything was okay.

I feel very fortunate that it was nothing serious. One of my friends who was there for me yesterday as I was waiting for the results said that it doesn't count as a hospital visit, so I'm still at over 7 months of no hospitalizations.

Make Something Beautiful

Three days after my brother was found, my anxiety is still running high and it's hard to concentrate at some times. I guess the adrenaline is still running through my system.

I had a chance to talk to him last night, which helped a lot. If you've ever known someone who went missing for a few days, there really are no words to express what it is like to talk to them again. The joy is overwhelming. I am used to talking to my brother 2-4 times a day so to go without talking to him for 5 days was something that was nearly impossible.

I have to continue to trust God that he will recover and heal, just as I have these past few months. I hope and pray that he feels better.

My mom kept telling me to listen to the following song this past week. The song is Natalie Grant's Burn Bright.

The lyrics that spoke to me most were:

"You can rise up from the ashes
Make something beautiful
Of all the broken pieces."

So often we feel broken and we don't think we can keep going or we think we can't move forward or we think that we're too broken. Through God, we can find the strength we need to keep going. Through God, we can find the will to make something beautiful out of the broken pieces.

The Troughs

October 21, 2009 is a day that I will never forget. It is the day that I nearly lost my life. I cannot believe it has been 4 years. I fractured multiple vertebrae in my back and suffered a liver laceration and a hematoma after falling over 40 feet. The doctors thought I may never walk again.

I walked 2 days after my fall.

Yesterday, my Facebook status was "As many tragedies and difficult things my family has been through, there are even more miracles. Thanks be to God!"

My life has had many downs, but God has been with me and my family every step of the way, guiding us, loving us, helping us...

As some of you know, I am in two Bible studies. For one of them, we are reading Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. In one of the chapters we read for last night's study, he talks about the ups and downs of life, the undulation of life.

"It may surprise you to learn that in [God's] efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs more than on the peaks."
-C.S. Lewis

I have to say that I feel God on a much deeper level when I am in a "trough." During multiple times last week when my brother was missing, I felt a sense of peace which completely surpassed all understanding. I relied on God during that time in a way that I only rely on Him during rough times. I made it through that time without going to the hsopital because of God's strength inside of me. His presence, His love, His light inside of me.

I want to leave with a song that helped me get through last week. It came on the Christian radio station and I ended up downloading it so I could listen to it all the time. It helped me to put my trust in God and to move through the trough that I was in.

Missing (cont'd)

We're going in to day 3 that my brother has been missing. I am trying to maintain as much hope as I can that he's okay, but with every passing moment it gets more difficult. As my mom said last night, it's a journey of ups and downs.

I asked my mom last night if I should fly home to NJ to help search for him, but she said there's not much for me to do so I should stay in Florida. I feel helpless, scared and worn out. The only reason I slept pretty well last night is that I haven't slept well the past few nights.

I've been trying to hold back the tears when I'm around others but it's getting more difficult to do that. It would be easier if I hadn't lost my oldest brother to suicide. My fears for Andrew are there and very real.

I've been hanging out at my church a lot lately, just trying to be around people and not stuck in my apartment dwelling on what's going on.

I think the greatest thing that has come out of this situation is the outpouring of prayers and support. People have reached out to me from all areas of my life and I really appreciate it.

All we can do now is hope and pray.

Please keep praying and sharing the photo on my Facebook (seen below).

Missing

We're going into day 2 that my brother has been missing. I'm just trying to process what's going on, while going to my classes and trying to find some sense of normalcy in this difficult time. I met with a therapist yesterday on campus and talked with my therapist on the phone. This is honestly one of the most difficult things I have ever been through and it's kind of surreal. It's one of those things you see on the news and never expect it to happen in your own life.

I am trying my hardest to trust God at this time.

If you could pray for my family and me, especially for the safety and well-being of my brother, I would greatly appreciate it. We are just trying to get through this and find my brother safely.

Here is a picture of my brother. If you see him, please contact the West Orange police at 973-325-4000 or your local police.

Works All Things For Good

God works all things for good.

Last night, I was at a Bible study and we were talking about trusting God. Towards the end of the Bible study, I received some very difficult news. I nearly broke down.

I had to put my full trust in God.

After Bible study, there was worship and they played Hurricane by Natalie Grant. The words of the song really struck me, especially the following lyrics...

"He'll find you in the hurricane."

I was so worried and anxious and worn out, but God spoke to me through those few words and said that everything will be alright. He said that no matter how chaotic, how confusing, how stressful, how out of control things get, that He is God and He will take care of me and my loved ones.

He said, Trust me, I got this...

Needless to say, it was the exact song I needed to hear. And the craziest thing is that my mom was at a Natalie Grant concert last night.

Again, God works all things for good.

Worst Case Scenario-Izing

The good part about catastrophizing is that when you expect the worst and it does not happen, you are overwhelmed with joy that you would not have if you were not catastrophizing.

I wrote this on my Facebook last night after spending 3 hours at the dentist yesterday.

To say I was anxious about my dentist appointment is quite an understatement. But I went anyway. I hadn't been to a dentist in over a year and I knew my teeth had gotten worse. I thought the worse and so I kept putting off going to the dentist.

To say I was relieved to get some good news is also an understatement. During my catastrophizing and "worst-case-scenario"-izing, I had come up with the worst case scenario... I'm going to have to get all my teeth pulled, then I won't be able to pay for dentures, then I won't get a job, then I won't have insurance, then I won't be able to pay for my psychiatric medications, then I'll end up homeless and on the streets and then I'll die from a tooth infection....

And yeah... that does not seem to be reality.

I think I started castastrophizing as a child as a coping mechanism... Think the worst, then when it doesn't come true, you're happy. I think it's good sometimes to be prepared.

However, I also think it's not healthy to be in constant fear and worry of the worst. I was absolutely dreading yesterday's appointment for the past two weeks. "The 15th" kept going through my head with the music from Jaws running in the background.

Sometimes we need to let go and let God. We need to trust that God really does have our back and that He will take care of us. At one point in my appointment, during the X-rays, I prayed to God and I put all of my trust in Him. From that point on, I knew I would be okay.

Free to Trust

"To believe deeply, as Jesus did, that God is present and at work in human life is to understand that I am a beloved child of this Father and, hence, free to trust... To trust Abba, both in prayer and life, is to stand in childlike openness before a mystery of gracious love and acceptance."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

We are currently on Chapter Four of this book in my Bible study and I honestly think this is the most powerful chapter so far. I read the chapter twice because there's just so much to digest and take in.

This quote spoke to me because sometimes it's hard for me to trust God when He works in my life. It's hard sometimes to give over the control of my life, even though I know that God is good. Often, I want the control because I feel "safer" with control in my own hands.

Why should I trust God? Why should we trust God?

Because God holds this world in His hands. He is a gracious God, loving and accepting.  He is our true Father. He cares about us deeper than anyone can. He knows us on a level that nobody else can. His love is so incomparable, radiating through every aspect of our lives, if we trust Him. There is nothing we go through in this life that God can't handle or help us through.

I want to leave with another quote from Chapter Four.

"To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

Picking Me Up

I spent a few hours last night looking at PhD programs across the country. To say I'm excited is a bit of an understatement. I feel as if I am moving forward in a big way. There is one program that I really have my heart set on.

Anyways, I just came across part of a letter I had written to myself a few months ago.

"Keep running. Keep walking. Keep fighting and getting through another day. Always remember that you are never alone. No matter what the world tells you. No matter what the enemy tells you. Keep focused on the truth. The truth that can be found in God and the truth of your life...He stood beside you and He will always stand beside you."

The strange part is that I wrote this letter in February, while I was paranoid and psychotic. I think it just goes to show that no matter how low you get, God is always there, showing you the way.

I believe that God is always there with me, helping me through every twist and turn that comes my way. I believe that He has lifted me up on many occasions in my life and given me the strength to move forward. I believe He is guiding me as I move forward into the future, helping me decide which programs to apply to.

I don't believe in a God who is far away in the sky. I believe in a powerful God who stands beside me, waiting to pick me up if I fall. I believe in a loving God who forgives my mistakes and binds my wounds if I fall. I believe in a God who gives us a new start after we fail.

Rain on Our Parade

Some of you may know that I am reading The Ragamuffin Gospel for a Bible study at my church.

One quote that we discussed last week was:

"The child of the Father rejects the pastel colored patsy God who promises never to rain on our parade."

My interpretation of this quote is that many times, we think that if we accept God into our lives, everything will be perfect. God does not promise that. I've experienced plenty of trials after accepting Christ and I know many others who have as well.

I downloaded iOS 7 on my iPhone yesterday and afterwards, I was playing around with my phone when I opened the YouVersion Bible app and it said to read Job 1. Out of nowhere I decided to read it. You know how you just hear God telling you to do something?

So I read the Message version of Job 1.

At one point, Satan says to God, "You pamper [Job] like a pet, make sure nothing bad ever happens to him or his family or his possessions, bless everything he does—he can’t lose!"
- Job 1:10(MSG)

Satan is questioning the authenticity of Job's relationship with God. He thinks that if everything goes wrong, Job will curse God.

So then God allows Satan to challenge Job through many trials.

The reason I point all of this out is that the Christian life is by far not perfect. We may not always understand why we are going through struggles, but in the end, we may realize how God transformed us and strengthened us throughout. Once you accept Christ, you may have many struggles, but know that God never leaves you nor forsakes you. Struggles are part of the human condition, but by the grace of God we can overcome those trials.

Need to Break Out

I was looking over some of the quotes I wrote in my notebook/journal from books I've read lately and I came across this quote...

"In my own personal journey, God showed me that I'd never break the pit cycle if I didn't name every contribution I made to it and let Him deal with my self-destructive tendencies."
-Beth Moore, Get Out of That Pit

As I read this quote this morning, I thought "How true is that?" Lately, I've been trying to climb out of the pit that I'm trapped in in order to move forward. Is it me that's holding me back? Is there some part of me that doesn't want to stop thinking about the past? Do I want to be stuck in the pit?

I think the answer to the last question is a resounding no. But the other questions are still up in the air.

I don't know if it's so much that I want to be stuck in the pit but that the pit actually feels comfortable after awhile. Things have gone wrong for most of my life so I think a part of me has gotten used to things going wrong. I think that's where my tendency to catastrophize comes in. Point blank, I'm not used to things going well. I've tended to get used to being stuck in the past. I'm used to having flashbacks all the time.

Most recently, I've been trying to break out of the past. This entails not ruminating about it. It entails getting out of the past, mentally and spiritually. I've noticed that I've even had less flashbacks!

Moving forward is quite possibly one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it is also one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. It takes a lot of courage and strength, but in turn I receive the gift of freedom, something more beautiful than I can simply put into words in a blog post.

Finding Meaning

"Only one fifth of young outsiders [nonbelievers] believe that an active faith helps people live a better, more fulfilling life."
-David Kinnaman, unChristian

This statistic really surprised me.  Only one fifth.

Many outsiders think that believing in God is boring or outdated.

For me, faith is the entire substance to life. Without my faith in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, I wouldn't be here.

To me, Christianity is not a set of rules and regulations. It's about having an intimate relationship with God. It's about finding meaning in life. It's about finding purpose in what is seen as purposeless.

As I've shared in previous posts, I have dealt with abuse, neglect, homelessness and various mental illnesses, including schizophrenia. Faith is what makes life interesting and meaningful when everything around us looks chaotic. Believing in God helps me to carry on when the road gets rough. Faith brings hope into my life at the most dire moments.

I could not imagine my life without faith. I guess if I didn't have faith, I would have been gone a long time ago. It's what gives me the will to fight through the hardships. My faith helps me to endure some really difficult stuff.

Faith gives meaning to life. If we don't believe then what is the point in fighting through difficulties? What is the point in all of us striving so hard when we're just floating on a planet in the middle of a huge universe?

I need a God. We need a God. We need Christ because we all fall down in our lives. We all make mistakes and sin. We all need forgiveness. We all need unconditional love.

We all need faith and hope.

Step By Step

As a photographer and blogger, I try to take photos that represent my faith journey. I took the photo above a few days ago and it is supposed to represent my faith right now.

In many ways, I still feel imprisoned by fear, anxiety and my past. I am on my way to freedom, but I’m not there yet. It’s on the other side.  I feel as if I am on the verge of becoming free. I can catch glimpses of what it means to be totally free, but I’m still trying to process everything. 

In the photo, you can see shadows of the stuff on the other side of the fence, but you can’t make out exactly what it is. In some ways, it represents my confusion. Most of the other side is dark- the unknown. Sometimes the unknown is terrifying. 

But peeking through the fence is light, just like how the light of God shines into our darkness and confusion. He brings clarity to our confusion and chaos.

I just went out for a walk to try to calm down from yesterday. I had Kari Jobe’s “One Desire” on replay the entire walk. I love the chorus:

“In your presence Lord

I will find my strength

You’re the breath in me

You’re my everything.”

Every time I listen to this song, I can feel the Lord’s strength inside me. I feel enveloped by His presence.

My anxiety was high for most of yesterday but it was better than on Sunday and it tended to get better by the end of the day. I feel as if the cloud of depression is lifting. At this point, I’m just taking it day by day and my goal is to stay out of the hospital. With severe mental illness, you never really know what will happen. There is a lot of unknown. At any point, my mental illnesses could worsen or get better.

Step by step and day by day.

Strengthened Amidst Storms

“The faith trajectory is mapped out before they become adults, often before they even reach adolescence.”

-David Kinnaman, unChristian

I can relate to this fact. My faith really grew and was cemented as a teenager. I was involved with a Christian group all throughout middle school and high school which really helped to deepen my relationship with God. I went to church nearly every Sunday, went to youth group, was confirmed and participated in various other activities at the church including Vacation Bible School.

My relationship with God deepened on a more spiritual and personal level. When I was a teenager, I struggled with neglect, experienced homelessness, lost my oldest brother to suicide, struggled with suicidal ideation and was diagnosed with bipolar. I watched my family be torn apart by drugs, alcohol and dealing drugs. To most, that would seem like a recipe for leaving my faith.

My faith was strengthened throughout my struggles, though. I experienced the love of God in a real and personal way. He was the only one I could really turn to throughout the chaos around me.

I realized that if I was going to make it out of my situation, I needed to rely on something greater than myself. I realized that the only solution to my problems was my faith in God.

My faith in God was a constant throughout my storms. It was always there, though I had some struggles with trusting God. It helped me through even the darkest days. Reading Scripture reminded me that I was loved, cherished and cared for. Reading Scripture reminded me that I had a future and that God had plans for me. I even decorated my bedroom with posters with verses on them.

If you ask me why I believe in God, I will tell you that it is because I have experienced Him on an extremely deep level and continue to, to the point that I can’t deny that there is a God. There is no other explanation for my survival of everything I went through. I have been hurt to the point that I have had no choice but to lean on Him to survive. I have been through some of the darkest things one can go through, yet I’m here continuing to fight. It is only through my faith that I continue to fight.

I think my faith can be explained best by this song…

Trusting God

“Faith always involves stepping out, letting go, risking something.”

-Steven James, Becoming Real

Today was my official last day at my job that I’ve held for the past two and a half months. I wasn’t fired. It was just a summer job that I knew would end at the end of the summer.

When I first got the job, it took a lot of faith to actually take it. To get up each morning and go to work was seemingly out of the picture at the time. As many of you know, last semester was full of hospitalizations for me.

Four hospitalizations to be exact.

When I applied for this job, I really felt God calling me to do it. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to, but I knew He was calling me to do it. You know how sometimes you just know. It was the first and only job I applied to and interviewed for. When I received the news that I got the job on the same day I interviewed, I was ecstatic.

And scared.

At the time I got the job, I had only been out of the hospital for nearly two months. I had no idea what would happen if I took the job. I was terrified that I would lose it if I went to the hospital again. I was afraid I’d mess up somehow. I didn’t know how my boss would react to a hospitalization.

I was terrified actually.

I flat out was not sure if I could handle a job in the state I was in, still being paranoid and having many flashbacks a day.

But I trusted God.

I knew He was calling me to work. I knew He was calling me to trust Him and that things would get better. It took a lot to trust Him, but I did.

It’s been over 4 months without a hospitalization. I’ve had a lot of stressful events but I didn’t give up. I kept getting up every morning and forced myself to go to work, whether or not I felt like it. Working a part time job was perfect because I got some time to myself to focus on healing.

Working this summer has also given me a lot of confidence in myself. I know I’m ready to handle school again.

Sometimes following what God has called you to do is difficult and scary. He often asks you to trust Him with unknown circumstances.

However, when you do what God wants you to do, great things can happen.

Immerse Yourself

I just got home from swimming in the pool. There is something so freeing about swimming. You feel lighter, your movements are slowed and graceful. My mother was told after her knee surgery last year to go swimming because it's light on the joints. It helps her knee to heal.

To swim, you need to immerse yourself in water. To be free and whole, you need to immerse yourself in God, everything that He is.

"We can tell him about our hurts and our questions and our wounds and our dreams and our deepest and most intimate secrets. He will listen. He will care. He will come to where you are."
-Steven James, Becoming Real

If you're like me, sometimes it's hard to trust God. This whole freedom in Christ thing is not easy. Whether it's our future career, our relationships, our families, or our future in general, trusting God with it all is very difficult.

When I was in and out of hospitals earlier this year, I never thought it would end. I didn't fully trust that things would get better. I wanted them to but I wasn't sure if they ever would. I thought I was caught in a tidal wave of endless hospitalizations.

As I've shared in another post, this past Saturday marked 4 months since my last hospitalization. This is by far the longest I've gone without a hospital visit since my move to Florida last August. 

Things really are getting better and looking up. I truly am finding freedom.

Sometimes it takes a lot to trust God and to open up to Him, but I can honestly say that God never leaves us or abandons us, no matter how far away we go from Him or how far we seem to be. He is always there, cheering us on.

I am reminded of a saying "F.R.O.G", which stands for Fully Rely On God, that I learned as a child in Vacation Bible School. There is so much truth in that little saying.

We can tell God anything. Anything that we're dealing with. Anything that haunts us. Anything that we are scared to tell another person. ANYTHING. And we can trust Him.

We can trust Him not to make fun of us or avoid us or give us the cold shoulder. We can trust Him not to spread rumors about us. 

God doesn't do that.

He never disappoints.