What It Means To Follow Him

I just finished listening to the first three sermons by Andy Stanley. If you have time on your hands this summer, I would highly recommend listening to the series of Follow sermons.

In his second sermon in the Follow series, Andy focused on a familiar Bible story, one that I have heard many times and on which I gave a children’s sermon as a teenager. It is when Simon is told by Jesus to cast down his nets, after Simon had just given up for the day, unsuccessful at catching any fish. But nevertheless, Simon casts the nets down and they catch a ton of fish, so much so that the nets begin to break. Going through this miracle, Simon then says to Jesus, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” (Luke 5:8 (NIV))

As Andy talked about this story, he said that Jesus asked Simon to do something he had done hundreds and thousands of times before, but to do it differently. He made the decision to follow Christ's direction and witnessed a miracle.

As I was listening, I thought about all of the miracles that have occurred in my own life, the moments that have made me wonder why Jesus loved me so much even though I am a sinner. Most of my closest times with God occurred when I did something that I had done many times before but I did it differently.

For example, many of you know that I go to the lake a lot. When I was growing up, I spent a lot of time in nature. It calmed me and allowed me to survive many difficulties. Throughout my hardships in life, I always spent time in nature because it helped me to feel and see God. It helped me to experience God in a way that is very tangible. As I watched the birds soar in the sky, I imagined that I was one of them, soaring above the obstacles that I was facing, with my arms stretched out wide. But lately, I have been asking Him to reveal Himself to me through nature in a way that He never had before.

Some may know this story. When I was feeling really anxious and upset a few months ago, I went to the lake. God told me to look up and I saw a white bird fly across the sky. My anxiety literally was washed away, almost like it just evaporated. I saw white birds a lot over the next few weeks. 

My psychosis got very bad and I literally followed a flock of white birds to the hospital, where my body completely shut down. I did not eat, sleep or talk for two days and I still wonder how I got to the hospital. Once I got out of the hospital, I didn't really see the white birds anymore, until two days ago. Through this situation, God revealed Himself to me in a mighty way as my protector. He told me that He can use anything, including white birds, to save my life.

Am I surprised that I saw a ton of white birds at the exact time I needed to or that I was surrounded by them during my darkest time?

Not at all.

God uses everything and anything to help us on our walk with Him in His perfect timing.

Throughout my childhood and years growing up, I spent a lot of time praying to God. But until last October, when I fully and completely surrendered my life to God and His will for my life, many of the prayers were from my head and not my heart. Last October, I felt the call of God and I knelt on my knees, sobbing, telling God that I wanted to surrender my life to Him. I had heard many times about surrendering to God but October was the first time I really meant it with all of my being.

Is it any surprise that the day after I surrendered my life to God that I suffered a head concussion? Or that the doctors gave me a medication that caused me to have dystonia and I fought to overcome that for the next eight days? Or that I would be hospitalized five times since moving here last August? Or that I would be diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder a few months later? Or that I would be fired from my job?

Not at all.

Because when I prayed that prayer, I asked God to humble me. I asked Him to rid me of my pride. I truly surrendered my life to Him, with all of my soul, all of my mind, all of my heart... with all of my being.

When I had dystonic reactions, others mocked me, laughed at me, doubted me, made fun of me… Not being able to talk without stuttering was incredibly humbling. Losing my job had to be the most humbling experience of all because it was where all of my pride stemmed from. I thought I was the smartest PhD student that ever lived… But this semester, I learned that I am not. I learned what it means to fully rely on God’s strength to get through the day. I learned what it means to have lost everything but gained everything at the same time.

Isn’t that what faith means? Isn’t that what following God entails?

Just because we follow Jesus or have faith does not mean that everything will be a-okay and perfect. Trust me when I say it will not be perfect.

But it means that though we may walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we know that God goes with us. We know that even if we lose our job, even if we face chronic illness, even if we do not know how we’ll make it by financially, we know that God cares about us and that He will never fail us. We know that He holds our lives in His hands and no matter what, His strength will carry us through. We don't just know these things. We feel them. We see them. We believe them. They are part of our existence and our precious time here on earth.

If you ask me how I am different than who I was when I first moved here and started graduate school, I would undoubtedly say that I feel closer to God. I have had to depend on Him in ways that I have never had to before. I have cried out to Him. I have questioned Him. But I spend more time with Him than I ever have before. I do things differently and even though I have faced tremendous difficulties and I am walking into the unknown, I follow Christ. To me, there’s no other choice.

A Quenching Disappointment

Last October, I got on my knees and prayed that God would humble me. The next day, I suffered a mild head concussion and fought to recover in the hospital over the next 8 days. Ever since that time, I have faced a series of health issues. I struggled with uncontrollable arm spasms and stuttering at various points in the past few months. Going through all of that has been an incredibly humbling experience. People laughed at me, mocked me, doubted me, and ignored me. I had to continually rely on God for strength, comfort and courage.

My pride took a huge hit today, in a major way. I signed a paper that said I will not be reappointed for the PhD position next year and my employment has been terminated. I was unable to meet the requirements due to all of my hospitalizations and the continual obstacles I have faced.

While I am extremely disappointed about this, I am very excited about what God is going to do in my life and what He currently is doing in my life. To be completely honest, I have been questioning how much getting a PhD was my plan or God’s plan. I have been praying to Him to give me the answer to that question and He has answered.

When we face major disappointments in life, we have a choice to either let the disappoint cripple us or get back on our feet. We can either cave into the difficulties or let God use them to help us and mold us. Since I currently have no funds, I went to the Financial Aid office twice today to ask questions and make a plan for me to complete a Masters in Spring 2014. I have a plan to move forward in a very positive way.

I personally cringe when people say “Now you can go into the workforce and get a real job.” I always cringe to think that I will be stuck in a cubicle day after day on a computer, which is what I have been doing since last August. That is not my idea of a purposeful life. While it may be for some people, I feel like God is calling me to do something different.

People often settle for a job because it pays. But to me, money is not the deciding factor. I detest when I have told people I am a PhD student and they say "You're going to make a lot of money." I believe money should not be a factor. As long as I have enough to keep a roof over my head and food in my stomach, I am very happy.

What should matter most in our lives is that we allow God to work in us and through us.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been fascinated with people like Mother Theresa and Princess Diana, who changed the world by simply loving others. In many ways, I have felt called into ministry, but not in the way that most people would think of ministry. I do not feel called to be a pastor. However, I have felt called to minister to people, especially those with disorders and disabilities, through my actions and words. I feel called to spread a message of hope, peace and love. It angers me to no end when everyone focuses on the negative in our world. It frustrates me when people spread a message of hate towards others.

I want to spread the message of the truth, which is that we are all children of God. In being His children, we are all called to love others and we all deserve to be loved, appreciated, and cared for.

Recently, I have had a dream of working for an organization like Engineers Without Borders or Wheels for Humanity. I have also felt called to write a book about my life story and what God has done in my life. I have always prayed for God about when I should write my book and I have decided that I am going to begin to write it in the next few weeks. 

I want to minister to people and help give others hope. Writing on this blog has made me realize that I really do have a message that helps many other people. I want meaning and purpose in my life. I want to change the world in some way for others. I want to spread the message that Jesus is the light in the midst of the darkness of our world.

Even in my discouragement and disappointment, I have an insane excitement for what God is calling me to do and where He will lead me. He is testing my trust in Him, but I cannot wait to see what will happen through me.

Sometimes the difficulties are enormous and it seems like our world is turned upside down, but if we look ahead, we see a bridge to God's greater plan for us. Out of the darkness and chaos, we see the light and the beauty of the road ahead... So we take the first step forward towards the bridge.

Sometimes following God means losing everything that we wanted- our plans. In losing my position as a doctoral student, I feel like the largest part of my plan for my life has been taken away. However, I know that God has something even greater planned.

I often go to my church to play the piano and lately I have been singing the hymn, “Here I Am, Lord.” I wanted to share the chorus, since the words have so much meaning and they have been my prayer for the past few months...

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord? 
I have heard You calling in the night. 
I will go Lord, if You lead me. 
I will hold Your people in my heart.

 -Here I Am lyrics

As anybody who saw me at the beginning of this semester can attest, I was full of pride. I thought I owned the world. Thank God that He has led me through many humbling experiences. The person I was is not who I want to be. Sometimes God leads us into difficult times in order to mold us into who He wants us to be. He has led me through a semester of many humbling obstacles and I have a lot of faith that the humility He has instilled in me will help me in whatever circumstances He leads me into.

As an engineer, I took a course in which we learned about quenching metals. This process involves heating the metal to insanely hot temperatures and then rapidly cooling it. In doing so, it makes the metal very tough and modifies the structure of the metal to increase its usefulness.

I believe in some ways, the obstacles in our lives are like the quenching process. Sometimes God “heats” up our lives by allowing difficulties in our lives. Sometimes we suddenly are thrown into a huge disappointment, in which our plans are uncertain. But in doing so, God molds us to be more tough so that He can use us for His wonderful plans.

Disappointment is ephemeral. Discouragement is temporary. The problem comes when we get stuck in the negative feelings, to the point that we do not pick ourselves up after the battle.

It is in the difficult times when we need to follow God’s lead the most.

No matter where God leads me, I will follow Him…

Will you?

The Love That Never Ends

When I started the journey of this Lenten season, I had no idea where God would lead me. I had no idea of the changes and the amount of healing that I would go through. I had no idea that I would go through so many difficulties.

But through this season, God has truly called my name. He helped me to transform and become closer to Him, closer to Him than I think I ever thought was possible. This morning, during the Easter service at my church, I remembered my baptism. I recommitted to my faith in a way that is very difficult to explain. I realized through the most difficult times in the past 40 days, that the only reason I am here, the only reason I wake up each morning no matter how difficult the day before was, is God and His love and strength. It is only through His strength and guidance that I have endured so much and yet still cling so tightly to Him.

Ever since I moved here last August, I have struggled to make really strong connections with others. I attribute it to my prideful actions and words. I honestly wish I could personally apologize to everyone who I hurt. I think one of the biggest reasons I was so prideful was and is that deep down, I feel like I am not good enough for others. I am ashamed of many things in my past. I grew up being told I was nothing, both through the actions and words of others. My father told me I was stupid and teased me nearly every day.

But there is one event in my life particularly in the past few years that I am most ashamed of.

In past posts and at various points in the past few years, I told people that I fell off a building and that God saved my life. The truth is that I jumped. I was so lost, so broken, so desperate, so empty inside, so ashamed, so shattered, so full of fear, that I thought the only way that I could overcome the difficulties in my life was to permanently end the pain. I thought it was my only way out of the suffering.

But God has continually shown me that through His strength, I can move forward in my life. I do not have to let the painful moments in my life run or ruin everything. I can move forward into wholeness, into a peace which surpasses all understanding.

By the grace of God, I survived the jump. The police said that a tree saved my life. I am also blessed that even though I sustained a few burst fractures in my vertebrae that I can walk and run.

I realized this morning that I do not have to be ashamed of my attempt. In the past few years, I have been extremely ashamed of it. Some of it has been because I do not want to remember how I felt at that time. I tell others that I fell so that I am not bombarded by questions. I do not want to go back there. But still some of the shame came from feeling like I betrayed God; I felt like I was so far from Him. How can He forgive me for trying to take the most wonderful and precious gift- my life- that I have ever been given? How will He ever forgive me for that? Can I really still be loved by God after doing that? Can He really and truly care about me that much?

And the answer to those questions is yes. He tells me all the time how much He loves me.

The main reason I wanted to share this with you is because I can truly say that no matter how bad the things we have done are, God’s love is greater still. As Corrie Ten Boom said, “There is no pit so deep, that God's love is not deeper still.” Nothing, truly nothing, can separate us from His love.

I have realized that I have nothing to be ashamed of, because Christ has redeemed me in a way that no one and nothing else can redeem me. I do not have to run from my past any longer, because it has made me who I am. It has made me an incredibly strong person. It has made me closer to God than I think I ever have been. His love is more powerful, more full of grace, more full of mercy than any other love in this world.

And that… that is why I choose to live and fight through each day in order to move forward. I have sinned, I have said awful things, I have tried to hide the deep, dark part of me from others, but God has picked me up out of that and truly placed my feet on the firm foundation. He has filled me with a faith and a peace which truly do not make sense. I am not ashamed anymore that He chose to save me from the darkest time in my life or that He chose to call me by my name so that I could run towards Him.

My prayer and hope for you is that you know that you are forgiven. My prayer is that together, we can walk unashamed of the love that was shown on the cross. Our shame gone. Our guilt gone. Our sins washed away. The dirt no longer apparent. White as snow.

My prayer is that you know that there is someone who offers you healing in a way that you could not even imagine. There is someone who goes with you into each of the storms you will face. He forgives you. He loves you. And He never stops loving and healing you. There is nothing, no one greater than Him.

And most of all, He is mighty to save.

Hands and Feet

That is why Scripture says:

“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

-James 4:6 (NIV)

Do you ever feel like when God is teaching you something or you’ve been talking about something that God is teaching you, He tests you even more?

I have felt like that a lot lately.

Ever since I have been blogging about humility and how God is helping rid me of my pride, I have had more temptations lately.

But when I want to tell someone something great that I have been doing or thinking about, I have been trying to stop myself and ask, “What is my main aim here? Is it to gain their admiration? Is it to make them think I’m cool?”

I have gotten to a point in my life in which I honestly do not want my name to be known but I want His to be known through my words and my actions.

Through my prideful actions, I have hurt a lot of people and I do know that. I wish I could apologize to each and every person.

True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.

-Socrates

I agree with Socrates because compared to everything there is to know, I probably know less than 0.000000001% of all the knowledge there is. There are hundreds of websites created each day with new information about new technologies from new companies.

There is no way that one could possibly know everything.

Except God…

God knows you. He knows me. He knows everything about this world. He knows everything about this universe. He designed quantum physics. He designed the central nervous system. He designed our DNA.

One thing that God has been speaking to me about throughout this humbling experience is that as Christians and as human beings we are called to serve others.

Jesus said...

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

-John 15:13 (KJV)

We are called to be servants of Christ. We are called to put on the armor of God every single morning and allow God to work through us in every situation. Every interaction we have with others is a God-given opportunity to show God’s love to others.

I’m going to admit...This is hard.

But it is so worth it.

As servants of Christ, I do not think we are called to let others take advantage of us. But I do believe that if we let God work through us in our relationships with others, God can do miraculous things.

Some of my pride comes from trying to prove myself to others and to myself. As a child, I went through unimaginably bad circumstances and as a result, I grew up feeling like a nobody, like I had nothing to offer to this world. But at the same time, I overcame many challenges, I focused on my gifts to the point that all I wanted to do was talk about my gifts instead of letting people know my deep feelings of hurt and despair. I did not really let anybody into that deep, dark part. I wanted them only to see my gifts and talents.

Throughout this experience, I have learned that I do not need to prove myself to anybody. All I need to do is allow God to work through me.

This is a process and we make mistakes. I still have moments when I feel prideful or that I need to prove myself because of the deep feelings of shame and guilt. But in those moments, God keeps changing and transforming me to be who He needs me to be in this world, if we let Him.

I know that He will do the same for you, no matter what you are personally dealing with.

I’m going to leave you with a song by one of my favorite bands, Casting Crowns. It talks about different situations in the church in which people feel left out and it begs the questions about why the church is not being the “hands and feet” of God as much as we can be. I think part of that is humbling ourselves before God and truly surrendering our lives so that He can change the world through us.

Our True Home

“We validate our existence with a flurry of activity. We do more, buy more, achieve more.” –Max Lucado, Grace

How true is this?

Every day we are bombarded with everything that we have to do. We try to do everything we possibly can do to be successful.

What if I said that none of that matters… That there is more to life than everything that you do to be successful?

I am going to say that. Because a few months ago, all I cared about was being the best I could be at everything I did. I wanted to be the best and all I cared about was awards.

As I knelt down on the floor of my apartment and prayed in October, crying out to the Lord for him to humble me, I had no idea what would happen in the past few months. I had no idea that the very next day, I would find myself in the hospital with a concussion. I had no idea that over the next 8 days, I would be battling a dystonic reaction or that I would have bouts of spasms and stuttering throughout the past few months. God answered my prayer in a very difficult way but I see all of the challenges I've faced as a tremendous blessing. It has humbled me. I still have some struggles with pride, but God continues to help me through that. I do not believe the journey is over.

Every day, God shows me that there is so much more than the nitty-gritty, mundane things of life. There truly is so much more to this life than what’s on TV tonight or how much homework you have to finish by tomorrow.

The more I spend time in God’s presence and hear His voice, the more I am truly in awe of Him. The more time I spend at the lake, just being still and in His presence, the more joyful I feel even though I am going through a very difficult period of my life. The more I center my life around God, the more happiness I feel.

Our God is truly beautiful.

When we stop to be still, we start to see the beauty beyond all of the stuff in our way which blocks us from seeing the beauty in this world.

Max Lucado goes on to say…

“Your identity is not in your possessions, talents, tattoos, kudos, or accomplishments. Nor are you defined by your divorce, deficiencies, debt or dumb choices. You are God’s child.” –Max Lucado, Grace

Read that again. I had to read it quite a few times myself.

Isn’t it incredibly powerful to have our true identity as God’s child? I think it’s pretty awesome.

I just graduated college in May 2012. I graduated at the top of my class, with a Bachelors with two minors in the Honors program. In college, I worked on five research projects at five separate universities across the country. Needless to say, I was a bit crazy in college.

I worked hard, but does that all really matter?

The more I focus on God, the more I see the greater picture of life. The more I realize that there is so much more than being the best. So much more than getting ten million awards.

I think our main goal in this life should be to allow God to be the center of our lives. Because no matter who hurts you, no matter what obstacles come your way, He will be there. He will be there when there is no one else. He’s not just there, either. He gives you the strength and guidance to get through. Sometimes, He even carries you.

Some people say that being Christian or religion is too “restrictive.” They think that becoming a Christian means that all the joy and fun is taken out of life.

I beg to differ.

The more I get to know God, the more excited I get about life. The peace and joy I feel honestly make no sense, especially at such a difficult time in my life. Yet I still wake up every morning, with such joy and excitement, because I know that I will see the beauty of God. I know that God will lead me through the challenges. I know that through Him, I will continue to make a difference in this world.

I wanted to share something I posted on Facebook this morning, because it is something that God is teaching me:

Each new day is a gift, a blessing from God. Each new day is an opportunity to make the most of our precious time here. Each new day is an opportunity to move forward, not to look back but to continue to crawl, walk, run or sprint towards God's loving arms. Each day is an opportunity to make the world a better and more peaceful place. Each day is new for a reason. Today can be different than yesterday and tomorrow can be different than today. So make the most of your time. Spread a message of love, hope, peace and joy. 

As I have shared throughout many posts, I grew up in a very difficult family situation. I even had points in my life when I “couch-surfed” from home to home after running away and then becoming evicted. Through those situations, I came to realize that a home is not just a building. Our true home is in God’s loving arms. Our true home is peaceful, not full of hate. Our true home is full of love, not fear. In our true home, unconditional love takes us in.

To Love Beyond The Hurt

“If I hadn’t let go of that anger, I’d be consumed by this need for revenge. Forgiving him helps me move on.” –Victoria Ruvolo

Yesterday afternoon, I went to the library to return some books. Since I have a bunch of books already out, I had not planned on looking for other books, but something told me to check the New Books section. I came across Max Lucado’s new book “Grace” and began reading it last night.

In this book, Max talks about Victoria Ruvolo’s story. A teenage boy tried to pull a prank on her, which ultimately landed her in the ICU struggling to stay alive. She chose to forgive this boy, though, and a judge gave him a reduced sentence.

Something that God has been speaking to me a lot about lately is forgiveness. Throughout my life, I have constantly been deeply hurt by those I loved the most. To tell you the truth, I love those people still, but deep inside, I do still feel angry about what they have done to me.

Why would they do that to me? Why was I not protected? Why have I protected others, but when it comes to protecting me, nobody was there? How could I be hurt so deeply by those I love and care for so much?

I also have some anger towards myself as well.

Why did I let them do those things to me? So what if I was a little kid and didn’t know any better- I knew it was not the right thing to do, so why did I do those things? Is there something wrong with me?

These are the questions I have been dealing with a lot lately.

Deep down, I know that if I want to move forward, then I need to forgive myself and also truly forgive those who have hurt me.

Part of the reason it has been so difficult to forgive is that most of those people have not really changed. Most of them have yet to even apologize for what they have done to me. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it to forgive them if they keep doing the same thing that led me to forgive them in the first place.

But isn’t that how God works towards us?

I know personally that I have apologized to others and God for something and then continued to do the same thing, usually not on purpose. Sometimes I believe that true repentance is a process, not just a click of the finger and everything’s okay. To truly change a behavior takes time.

No matter what, though, God always forgives us. And His forgiveness is a gift, not something that we can earn by doing good things.

Max Lucado shines light on one of the most symbolic representations of the forgiveness we find in God. He talked about how Jesus washed the disciples’ feet. Jesus Christ became a servant and literally washed the feet of those who doubted him and even betrayed him.

I do not know if I would even be able to wash the feet of those people in my life who have hurt me so deeply.

But as Christians and as human beings, I believe that we are called to forgive. It’s not necessarily for those who have hurt us. It is about moving forward and not letting the anger rule our lives. It is not saying what the person did was right at all, which is something I have personally struggled with.

As I have shared previously, in the past few months when I was having bouts of spasms and stuttering, I was mocked, laughed at and ignored at various times by many people. In those times, I continually said to myself, “Forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing.”

Jesus Christ came to love and to heal, yet he was mocked, laughed at, ignored, and eventually brutally murdered by those he loved. I find truth in those words that He said on the cross, because I have felt them and said them. I have prayed for and loved those who have hurt me, not by my strength but through God’s strength. The people who hurt me in the recent months and also throughout my life probably do not know the full extent of how deeply they hurt me. But they do not need to, because I still love them and I realize that they probably did not know everything that they were doing. They did not know everything that was going on. They did not realize how deeply it hurt to be laughed at when I was trying so hard to control my uncontrollable spasms. But I realized that in order for me to move forward, I needed to ask God to help me forgive them in those moments. I did not want anger to rule over me.

On a larger scale, I am currently working towards forgiving those who have hurt me on a much deeper level and for much longer periods of time in my life. Forgiveness, I think, is one of the most important steps in the healing process, but it tends to be the most difficult as well, especially forgiving ourselves.

I do not know everything about forgiveness, and I do not think I can honestly say that I have fully forgiven those in my past. But what I can say is that I am on the journey towards forgiveness and healing. Not for those who have hurt me. But for my ability to move forward and to do everything that God has called me to do. Again, forgiveness is a process and a journey.

To forgive is to live. To forgive is to heal. To forgive is to move forward.

Drawing Strength from Others

I have been reading and learning so much about God lately that often I find it incredibly difficult to choose one thing that I want to blog about. I could write about everything but nobody would read my posts if they were longer than they already are. I came across this quote earlier today and it spoke very clearly to me ...

"Even Jesus needed to draw strength that comes from those who knew Him the best and accepted Him without great expectations.”
-Dr. Erwin Lutzer and Rebecca Lutzer, Jesus Lover of a Woman’s Soul, pg. 120

Lately, it has been very difficult to ask for help and create a support network since I moved here in August. I am not sure if it is the fact that I moved very far from the majority of people I have ever known. It could be, but I think it is something that runs deeper.

Sometimes it is so often difficult to ask for help, because we do not want to be a burden. I find that sometimes I share some of the issues I deal with and I feel as if I am a huge problem. It’s not even my problems that are the problem anymore. I am the problem.

As humans, however, we are not meant to be alone. We cannot survive alone. Maybe for a few days or even months, but not an entire lifetime. God created all of us so that we can support and walk through this life together.

Isn’t it awesome to think that our Creator, our God, the One who created this universe, even needed support and help in His ministry and during his time here on earth?

Sometimes when you ask for help, you are not the only one who is blessed. More often than not, everyone in the situation is blessed.

I have been without a car for over six years. At first, it was incredibly frustrating having to rely on other people to get to different things all the time and to figure out the bus and train routes to various destinations. It took a ton of humility and strength to call and ask people to drive me. It was awkward to be so dependent on others. However, I was able to form incredibly strong relationships with those who drove me to church or my medical appointments. They are still very close to me to this day.

In our society, we are so often taught that we are individuals and it is weak to ask for help. Even more true for men. We are taught to be 100% self-sufficient and that if you ask for help, it automatically means you are weak. No wonder men do not like to ask for directions.

But asking for help, support and prayers does not make us weak. I think it shows a huge amount of strength and courage.

Even Jesus asked for help. His ministry would not have been what it is without the help of the men and the women who followed Him and ultimately carried His story throughout the world. All of the people who still reach out and carry His message throughout the world play a huge role in His ministry today.

We cannot get through the struggles and our obstacles alone. We are not meant to. When I have isolated myself, my depression and anxiety almost always has gotten worse. The only healthy isolation I believe that we can have as humans is time in the full presence of God, alone. To me, that means spending several hours outside at the lake reading Scripture and books about the Christian faith. No music. Nothing but me and God.

It is often in the times that we reach out for help from others that we realize that we are not alone in our obstacles. That realization in itself can feel like a large part of the weight we carry on our shoulders is being lifted.

One of my favorite poems of all time is Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson. I quoted it last week when I was in the hospital. The entire poem is extremely powerful, but these lines particularly have been going through my head a lot lately.

“As we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson

As we share the deep, dark things that hurt us and give us pain and stress, we undoubtedly help others in the process. In our darkest times, we see the light of God. I have seen that light all throughout my life and that is why I have been so adamant about sharing what God has done in my life. We are called to share the light of God to every part of this earth, just as we are called to be there for each other, in the good, the bad and the incredibly ugly moments in life.

I will leave you with a song that has been on replay for the past month or so…

The Twenty Dollar Bill

“First, [Mary Magdalene] was clean: the inner emotional turbulence had ended, and her tormented soul was at peace. Second she was given the gift of dignity and value. After years of hopelessness, she found someone who could free her. Someone who saw in her something worth saving, redeeming and loving…the weight of the world had been lifted from her fragile shoulders. It no longer mattered what others thought of her.” 

–Dr. Erwin Lutzer and Rebecca Lutzer, Jesus Lover of a Woman’s Soul

I read this quote earlier today as I sat at the lake. As I read these words, it really became apparent that God is doing this very same thing in my life. I often struggle with feeling not worth enough, not good enough, not this enough, and not that enough. In the process of trying to “fit in” with the people around me, sometimes my insecurity gets the best of me and I may boast about something that I did or do well.

But God loves humility. Think about it. Think about how different our world would be if Jesus had been all prideful and went around boasting about how many people he had healed or how many miracles he had performed.

As I have said in previous blogs, this Lent has been a journey in ridding myself of pride and the insecurities that lead me to be prideful. I know I have hurt many people in the process of trying to make myself feel less insecure. Each day, God is teaching me more and more about Himself . How powerful HE is. How gracious HE is. How loving HE is. How wonderful HE is.

This life is not all about us. It is about making some difference in the world we live in. This world we have been blessed to live on. And yeah… it is difficult.

I spent the past 9 days or so in a hospital and I cannot describe how blessed I feel to be alive… not only alive but that I can walk, talk, eat, run, read, write, draw, take photographs. I even have a smartphone! I am blessed beyond belief by God. People say I have a very difficult life, but there are people who have it much worse. This life is not easy and all of us deal with our own obstacles, but we have a God who is so much bigger than any of the obstacles we deal with here on earth.

A reason I really liked the quote above was that it broke what Jesus did for Mary Magdalene into two parts: cleansing/refreshing and the gift of dignity and value.

I personally struggle sometimes to feel worth it. Deep inside, I do not feel clean. I do not feel worthy of God’s love, especially because of all the mistakes I have made. It’s in those times that I remind myself that God forgives me. He already did. And He does. I believe that sometimes the most difficult forgiveness is actually forgiving myself.

The second part- the gift of dignity and value- is also something that I struggle with. So often I try to find my value in how other people view me. Do they like me? What do they think of me after that? Did I say the wrong thing? What do they think of me now?

Put simply, our greatest worth is found in God. I am God’s child. You are God’s child. We all have worth more powerful than any material possession we can find here on earth. The closer I feel to God, the less I care about what other people think of me, because God’s love is so much bigger, so beyond anything else on this earth that it fulfills me to the core. No matter what I’ve done, no matter what others have done to me, He loves me and always will. And that goes for you as well.

I’d like to end this post with something I heard many years ago at CreationFest, a festival with Christian music and speakers.

The speaker, who I cannot remember right now, held up a twenty dollar bill. He spat on it, crumpled it up, threw it on the ground, and moved his foot all over it, stomping on it and kicking it around. He then held it up and asked how much the bill was worth. The answer was that it was still worth twenty dollars.

That powerful illustration still encourages me to this day, because I (as well as so many) have felt spat on, crumpled up, thrown out and kicked around. I have had moments of being used, abused and taken advantage of.

But do those moments change how much you or I are worth to God and worth to this world?

Not at all.

When you find your worth in God, it truly does not matter how much money is in your bank account, if you have the perfect shirt or pants, or the perfect face. Because when you find your worth in God, you realize how precious and how fearfully and wonderfully created you really are.

Listen to God, because He always says, “You are worth it. You are my precious child. Nothing in this world, absolutely nothing can ever or will ever take away your worth. Find your dignity and value in me, not the things of this world.”

The Power of Prayer

“We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed;

we are perplexed, but not in despair;

Persecuted, but not forsaken;

cast down, but not destroyed;

Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus,

that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.”

-2 Corinthians 4:8-10 (KJV)

This verse just came into my mind when I was praying. I am not going to lie. This morning, I am scared. This morning, I am entering intensive treatment. Those who know me best have asked me this past week if I am ready to do this, if I am prepared to do this. And my answer is yes. Because no matter how scary it is, I know that God will heal me and help me through this.

Quite a few people have asked me if they could put me on prayer lists at their churches. My answer to that is an absolute yes as well.

Why is prayer such an important aspect of my life?

Because it is how I hear God. To me, prayer isn’t necessarily bowing my head or being on my knees. It is being in continual communication with God. It is waking up early and reading His Word. It is opening my ears and eyes to sometimes the subtle messages He sends me (and sometimes He can be very loud).

I have shared this with a few people but last October, I was overcome with an urge to get on my knees and pray. I do not honestly remember the last time I did that. As I prayed, I started to cry and I asked God to take my pride and whatever was not of Him away from me and for Him to transform me into who He wants me to be.

The afternoon of the next day, I suffered a mild concussion and over the next week, I struggled to overcome physical symptoms- stuttering and uncontrollable spasms. I had never had these symptoms in my life before, except for minor tics due to medications.

The doctors were confused. They tried multiple scans, countless medications and nothing helped. My mother said that one night, a doctor came in and prayed for me. My mother said that the doctor told her that sometimes there are things that happen that doctors cannot explain.

The next afternoon, I was talking to my mother and I realized that I could talk clearly again, that the symptoms were gone. I will never forget the expression on the doctor’s face as he came into my room and I was sitting up (something I couldn’t even do during the week).

I do not know why I continue to have these physical symptoms, but what I do know is that prayer works. And having the physical symptoms is one of the most humbling experiences I think I have ever gone through. People have mocked me, rejected me, ignored me and even doubted me. And going through all of this has reminded me that God is my true source of strength, not myself.

I see His answers now to my prayers and have seen how He has answered them all throughout my life. Not always how I wanted Him to, not always when I wanted Him to, but He always answered them. And I know He will continue to answer them. I know from experience that He has more in store for those who trust Him than we could ever imagine.

The Beauty of Humility

My mother recently started texting me a Bible verse every morning. The verse my mom texted me this morning is one that many people know and quote.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

 “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future.” 

– Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Many people know that the season of Lent began last week in preparation for Easter. I have been praying to God about what I should be giving up during this season and His answer has been somewhat difficult but I know it is so true.

He has been telling me to give up trying to get others to understand me. He has been telling me to get rid of my pride and focus on my weaknesses instead so that He can help me through them.

Something that I was thinking about a lot this morning was that in my freshman year of high school, I was placed in several remedial classes because of poor test scores I had received in my last year of middle school. Freshman year of high school, I was in no advanced courses. But I focused on my weaknesses and ended up taking 5 AP courses and 2 advanced courses my senior year of high school.

My peers thought I was absolutely crazy because there were only two other students that I can remember that were taking 5 AP courses in the entire school. Many of them did not know, however, that during this time I was living in a friend’s basement because my family had no home. I had to fight with my school district to stay in my high school because the summer before, I had been living in another town with a relative. They wanted me to attend the high school in that town, which was literally in the ghetto. Needless to say, I wanted to complete high school where I had been going for the past three years. During my senior year, I also lost my oldest brother to suicide.

To say that it was a difficult year is very much an understatement. But God continually has shown that during my times of extreme weakness, uncertainty, and pain, He transforms my weaknesses and gives me the strength to keep moving.

I would not be anywhere near where I am now if it wasn't for His continual strength, comfort and guidance in my life. In fact, I highly doubt I would still be here fighting. People say to me that I am a very strong person, but my strength comes from God. It is not by my own strength or willpower, but the strength of God that I continue to fight.

I have spent many years asking God to take away my pain and frustrated that I have to live with so much pain and through so many obstacles. But lately, even through this time of difficulty, I find myself begging God not to let my time end on this earth before His mission for me is done.

The following verse comes to mind when I think about the plans I have for myself, you know the plans everyone has- get a job, graduate college, get married, have children, get this much money, yada yada…

“A man's heart deviseth his way: 

but the Lord directeth his steps.” 

–Proverbs 16:9 (KJV)

We have so many plans for ourselves and that can create so much unnecessary stress in our lives. It’s when we hand our plans over to God and fully surrender our lives to Him that He can show us the wondrous plans He has in store for us on this earth.