Unreal

Ahhhhh!!!!!!! I am so excited!

This morning I am going to visit my brother, Andy. I haven't seen him in probably about a month and I could not be more ecstatic to see him. He's making some progress and I am proud of him in many ways, but there still is a road ahead.

Not only that but I am hanging out with some of my friends tonight to watch the Superbowl. These are the kind of friends where I feel so much better after visiting them. They are a pleasure to hang out with and we all are rooting for the same team- Seattle Seahawks. Not only are the Seahawks kind of an underdog (don't think they've ever won a Superbowl), but every time I turn there is something inspiring about the players. One of the players even is legally deaf.

The last bit of news is very exciting. In the first time ever in my many years of going to counseling/therapy, my therapist wants to see me only once a month. She said I am doing incredibly well. She said at first she was scared I am sitting around the house reading all day, but I told her about my adventures with my various friends in town (I have friends that I eat lunch with every day). While Rockaway is not the most exciting place to live, I have made quite a few friends here. I have a blast every day.

I am still waiting to hear about the new jobs I applied to. I've applied to about 40 jobs in NYC and around northern NJ, so I am just in the process of waiting. I have only heard from 3 jobs so far. I am not losing hope and continuing to move forward.

And you know what I figured out yesterday?! I only have 9 more days to 10 months without a hospitalization. Only 2 more months until my birthday, the day that I celebrate a year without a hospitalization. Unreal...

Power over Thoughts

If you've been reading my posts, you may know that I've been reading Power Thoughts by Joyce Meyer. It's about the power that our thoughts have in our lives.

Yesterday, I went to therapy for the first time since I moved back to NJ. I caught my therapist up to speed about everything that happened this year, including being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. She was kind of shocked because the last time I saw her, I had been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome.

I told her about my paranoia and psychosis that I have been dealing with. She asked how I was dealing with it and I said, I change my thought pattern. Whenever I start to think somebody's after me or is speaking behind my back, I think to myself, What is the probability of this really being true? This person barely knows me. I do what I call "fact check." I try to remind myself how realistic it is that everyone is after me. 

I have gotten through my last semester of graduate school by changing my thought pattern. Thoughts really do control how we react to different situations. By changing my thought pattern, I was able to deal with my paranoia and psychosis on a daily basis. I was able to not be consumed by those negative thoughts. I was able to move forward.

Whether or not you are dealing with schizophrenia or any other mental illness or not, you have power over the thoughts that you think...

Questioning Paranoia

I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday for my monthly check-up and I asked if I could increase the dose of antipsychotic again, since I'm still having mild paranoia. They said no because there are too many side effects, including weight gain. They said if I'm at the point where I notice my paranoia and can try to control it, then I don't need to increase the dose.

I tend to have a lot of side effects to medications. That's one of the reasons they've tried about 15 medications on me. The ones I'm on now cause me to have acne, gain weight, and have bad memory.

Sometimes I do miss being manic because I have much better memory. I'm much more awake. I think more clearly.

But the medications are necessary and I know I just have to deal with the side effects. I'd much rather deal with the side effects than go through the turmoil and wrath of my schizoaffective disorder. At least my medications keep me stable.

I can't believe that I've held my job for 2 months already. When I first started, I was honestly petrified because it was a new job and I didn't know how I would deal with the stress of a new job. I didn't know if I'd be in and out of the hospital more. I didn't know how I'd deal with the paranoia while working.

It takes a TON of mental effort for me to question my paranoid thoughts, to battle the psychosis and paranoia that  accompany my schizophrenia. When I see people doing things that make me uncomfortable or bring on the paranoia, I have to say to myself over and over again, "It's not about me... They're not spreading rumors." I just repeat it to myself over and over. I do this for most of my waking hours.

Sometimes I want to give up and curl up in my bed and not do anything but avoid people.

But I don't.

I am reminded of how far I've come. I haven't been in the hospital in four months, despite being mentally ill. I'm getting ready for my last semester of graduate school and I'm actually really excited about it. I'm moving forward every single day.

Lifting the Stigmas

So just like that... the paranoia has lifted. The fog is gone.

I saw some people licking their lips but it doesn't really phase me anymore. I just moved on. I think part of my success is the new medication kicking in and the other part of it has been therapy, working through the paranoid thoughts.

People know I'm vocal about my disorders. I don't think people should have to be ashamed of having mental illness. There is nothing shameful about having a misbalance in the chemicals in the brain, the most complex organ in our bodies. For me, I have come across many stigmas dealing with mental illness. But fortunately, they haven't stopped me from getting help.

I think all too much, stigmas have stopped many people from getting the help they need. It is annoying at times that many other disorders or diseases have no stigmas, but if I tell someone I have mental illness, they suddenly turn away. It's like people want to run away from me; I have an adult case of the cooties.

Mental illness is not something to make fun of or run away from. It can be devastating. But with proper help, it can be treated. With therapy and medications, I have stayed out of the hospital for almost 3 months, despite having bad paranoia and PTSD. I am moving forward in a lot of ways.

If you care about mental illness or people with it, please watch this video I found yesterday and share it with others. We have a voice and together, we can fight the stigmas.

Challenging the Past

Woooooo... I am trying to recover from an intense but good therapy session earlier this afternoon. It was challenging because I talked about some of the details of the abuse I endured for most of my childhood.

I have been in and out of therapy since I was six years old. I owe my life to the many therapists that have helped me get to where I am and were there for me when my family was not. They have helped me get further than I ever thought was possible. Honestly, as a teenager I didn't know if I would make it to 18 years old. I was thinking about that earlier this week. I realized I'm 24, an age I never thought I'd get to. I thought it was out of the question.

Therapy to me is an opportunity to open up the doors to the deepest, darkest areas of your life that is hard to let anyone else into. It is a chance to try to figure things out and make sense out of the nonsensical. I personally don't like therapy unless I'm challenged in some way. I like therapy to difficult, not just going on and on about the surface stuff. Unless it's one of my first sessions with a new therapist. I like when my feelings are challenged, those dark thoughts become more positive, the lies destroyed and become seen for what they are.

While I have been in therapy for as long as I can remember, I have never actually gone through all of the details of the abuse. We always had other things to talk about like neglect, my family's alcohol and drug abuse and homelessness. But today I opened up about the abuse. When I opened up about some of the stuff I remember, it was hard. And therapy can be hard. I believe it's supposed to be difficult sometimes. It's through therapy that you grow and become more of who you are and less of what is in your past. You open yourself up to growth, change and transformation.

One of the things that surprised me about therapy today was that my therapist asked me for the details. She asked questions as I shared and I have to admit that I'm not used to that. I'm used to people just taking my abuse for what it is and not questioning how I feel about it. Most just feel terrible and don't say anything in response, because I think for most, the details are very hard to hear. 

But with my therapist, I'm not just spitting out the gritty details but there was a conversation. She asked me things that really made me question some of my beliefs and feelings. And it was helpful. In many ways. There is someone helping me make sense of the feelings I have. The anger. The frustration. The confusion. The terror. The shame.

I think the fact that most people don't say anything in response to the details of my life comes from the uncomfortable feelings that come up when one talks about an awful past full of abuse, neglect and homelessness. People just don't know what to say. I think many people don't know how to respond. And I admit that if someone came and told me the same life story, I might not know what to say.

But I wish that people didn't feel bad. I hope that by sharing about my experiences that people don't feel pity towards me but that they see how God has carried me so far. I hope they see the miracle that I call my life. Because I've made it further than I ever thought possible. I hope that they know that the impossible truly can be possible. My hope in sharing my journey of healing is that I can let others know that healing is possible.

Tomorrow will mark the end of the first month (May) that I have not been hospitalized this year. And that is a huge step forward, more like a leap. Huge progress. And I am extremely excited. My life has gotten to the point that I celebrate every good day when it comes. A good day is a huge step forward. And I have had a good day today.

Going Through the Emotions

“The process of metamorphosis is going to hurt. Let it hurt. The more you fight it the longer it takes and the worse the pain seems…Even though change hurts, it is better than living in constant misery and discouragement. Let God do whatever He needs and wants to do in you.”

-Joyce Meyer, The Battle Belongs to the Lord

I am going through a time of metamorphosis in which I am dealing with my past. It is not easy, but sometimes we have to go through difficult times in order to move forward into what God has planned for us.

Sometimes that means feeling the pain and the despair of past hurts and regrets.

Sometimes that means letting God be God and allowing Him to work in us, within us and through us.

Lately, I have had feelings of immense guilt over things that I did in the past, some of which people say is not my fault and that I should not feel any guilt or shame from. However, there is a lot of shame associated with the guilt. I have points in which I feel like an absolute nobody, especially when I remember times when I was not treated well. I realize that I am not worthy of what Jesus did on the cross.

But the truth is that none of us is worthy of the mercy and grace that God has shown us. As much as I want to do good things and love everyone, I will make mistakes and sin. I sin every day. That is what makes Christ’s death on the cross so beautiful and powerful.

A few months ago, I entered intensive treatment for my PTSD. The treatment program was based on prolongued exposure therapy. In order to get into the program, I had a 7-hour long interview session, in which I gave details about my past- the traumatic experiences, the abuse, the neglect, the homelessness, the loss, the drug abuse, etc… All of it.

Prolonged exposure therapy is unique in that it entails going back and going through the trauma detail by detail. I had to go back and deal with the worst times in my life head on, reliving the details. I was unable to continue the treatment since I began to have flooding memories to the point that I could not function.

However, I know that there is a lot of psychological backing to the idea that if you want to overcome negative feelings, sometimes you need to go through them and live in them. You need to feel in order to move forward. It doesn’t mean that we should feel those negative feelings all the time. I would not be able to function if I lived in my flashbacks all the time. Currently, I have about 10 a day and that makes it somewhat difficult to function. But it does mean feeling them completely, not running away from the hurt, the pain, the obstacles, the struggles.

As difficult as it was for me to go through the interview, it was very empowering to speak about what I went through in order to get to where I am. I have tried my whole life to hide my past from most people. I did not invite friends over to my house so that they wouldn't see the alcoholism in my family or the fact that I was poor. But in trying to hide such a big part of what makes me who I am, I internalized the shame. Now I am slowly picking up those pieces and trying to make sense of my past so that I can move forward.

I do not know about you but if someone tells me not to think about something, I usually end up thinking about that thing more. So by going through the negative emotions and feelings, sometimes it helps us to truly deal with them.

In her book, Joyce Meyer mentions some of her difficulties in her childhood, of which I can relate and I believe that many others can. Some of us have had difficult childhoods. Mine was full of terror and I had to fight through many obstacles even to survive. In many ways, I feel as though I grew up much quicker than anyone should have to.

Although we cannot change the past, we need to deal with our past so that it does not ruin the future that God has for us.

“I saw that I could not do anything about what I had lost, and I started looking at what I had left. For one thing, I had the rest of my life, and so do you. Even if the years you have lived weren’t pleasant, you still have your future.”

-Joyce Meyer, The Battle Belongs to the Lord

This is not easy. I personally am working on reconciling the various parts of my life so that I can be whole. I have been extremely successful academically and in various other areas of my life, but at the same time, I am constantly reliving the worst times of my childhood. I am a 24 year old 80% of the time and an abused, neglected, hurt, and frightened little girl the other 20% of the time. Who I am is torn. The feelings I feel are shattered and conflicting. Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. I have often told people that I feel as though I'm living two lives. Being bipolar does not help things as my emotions constantly cycle from being very excited about life to being very depressed.

But God brings peace and calm into my chaotic life every day, as He tells me the truth. I am amazed every day at how awesome God truly is.

Though it’s difficult, I take life one day at a time, hoping and praying for wholeness. I feel that we are all called to move forward, no matter how difficult things get. This too shall pass...

I want to leave off with a song that speaks about taking life one day at a time and learning to breathe.

Resilience and Peace

Last night, I had a difficult time falling asleep. But unlike most nights, my mind was not overflowing with worried thoughts. Instead, my mind was overflowing with positive memories of something that God has been using to bring peace into my life…Birds.

This song kept coming to my mind last night and this is a song that I have listened to hundreds of times. I used to listen to it and sing it all day long, in the same room where so many of the most difficult times in my life happened. To me, it has always been a reminder that God is always there. Because God is love.

Listen to Twila Paris singing "Love's Been Following You."

As a Christian, I have often been asked when I first believed in God. I have never really been able to pinpoint one point in my life when I knew or when I completely surrendered my life to Him. He has always been a huge part of my life. I have definitely had periods when I have felt closer to Him than others. Sometimes He has seemed as far as He could possibly be, and in those times, doubt crept in. But fortunately those times of doubt usually were very short because God always brought me back. Not because of anything anyone else said. But because of things that He did in my life.

When people have heard my testimony, one of the first words that they say is “Resilience.” I have heard this word a lot throughout the past few weeks. While God has always been a big part of my ability to be resilient, I think the actual first time that I truly devoted my life to Him and surrendered everything to Him was last October, the moment I was praying on my knees asking Him to take my pride away. Ever since then, no matter how difficult things have gotten, I have never lost my hope and there has not been doubt about how He is working in my life.

I had so many nightmares as a child and unfortunately, I can remember quite a few of them. I had quite a few that had variations but I was always being chased by something that scared me. I was overcome by fear and the closer these “bad guys” got to me, the more afraid I became. And there would always come a point when I would bend my knees and jump and I would quickly be soaring in the sky. Sometimes the sky would be dark but most times, the sky would be light as day. I would just fly until my eyes opened and I was back in reality. I am not sure but maybe this is why I have always loved birds. I always wanted to fly like them, to feel the freedom that I felt in those dreams.

The bedroom I grew up in had three windows and it was in the front of the house. There was a huge tree right outside the window. I am not sure how old I was, probably around 9 or 10. I would have to ask my mom, but one day, a bird started to build a nest in that tree. Every day, I would spend a lot of time watching this bird and its babies. I cannot explain what it was like for me to watch the bird take care of its babies and then there came a point when the birds became old enough to try to fly. I was honestly scared for them. They were so little and I feared that they would try to fly and fall and get hurt. No words can really describe my excitement when I saw them fly. I also became sad, because I came to realize that all the time I had spent watching them grow up and transform was coming to an end and that nest would soon become quiet as they flew away.

In the second house I lived in right down the street from the first home I lived in is my second significant memory of a bird. Although this bird was not real. Yet it has still had a profound impact on me to this day. My family argued a lot as I grew up. One night, my mom and brother had their worst argument that I had ever witnessed and at the end of it, my brother came into my room. He gave me a bird sculpture that he had created. He may not have known it at the time, but I felt that through that gift, God was telling me that I had to let him go and give him to God. My brother ended up leaving that night and then my family became just my mom and I. I grew up watching my family literally fall apart. My father was the first to leave, then my oldest brother left, then my other brother left, and then my mom left for a period and it was just me. My brother often apologizes for leaving me when I needed someone. But I am not mad at him, as I am not really angry at any of my family anymore. Of course, I have been angry at them all before, but God has helped me transform that anger into peace and forgiveness.

Over my many years of talking to doctors, therapists, friends, and pastors, many people have come to know that the verse I have thought about the most throughout my life is Isaiah 40:31, a verse that represents “resilience” in a way that is so true and real to me.

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; 

they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 

they shall run, and not be weary; 

and they shall walk, and not faint.” 

–Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)

Eagles are supposed to represent strength and resilience. I read once that they also often fly alone. They are known to wait for a storm and once the winds pick up, they use the winds to rise above the storm. I have shared this with so many people and one of my doctors recently told me that whenever she sees an eagle, she thinks of me.

The third home I lived in is right near a lake. We moved into that home after many months of living out of a suitcase. As I shared in another post, I lived in about 8 different homes over a period of a year or so.

God used that lake to transform and heal me through some extremely difficult times. It was at that lake that I met two swans. Every summer, I would walk around that lake watching the babies of these swans grow up. For many years in a row, I would be deeply saddened as I watched the babies slowly disappear. Year after year, none of their babies survived. This past summer, however, they had eight babies. I prayed every time I saw them and my heart was full of joy as I watched all of them survive this summer. I had a chance to visit them when I was home for the holidays. It was like visiting another family of mine.

What I learned through watching these swans was to never give up, especially on family. These swans went through the worst of the worst together, including Hurricane Sandy. There were so many times that I saw the parents protect their babies against people as well as the geese who also inhabited the lake. I have been extremely angry, upset and disappointed with my family at times, but I have never lost hope in them. I never stopped praying for them. I have asked so many of my friends to pray for them that I often felt like a broken record. But I knew that God would work in their lives and do things that I could not do myself.

My mom and my brother have come a very long way and we are learning slowly but surely what normalcy is, if such a thing exists.

Now as I am healing, does it surprise me that God would yet again use birds to speak to me or teach me a lesson? Not at all.

A few weeks ago, I was at my lowest point. I absolutely thought nobody was there for me and I felt completely abandoned. I did not want to see anyone. I did not want to talk to anyone. But I posted on my Facebook asking for prayer. I ended up walking about 4 or 5 miles to talk to someone I knew could help. I do not remember how I walked that far, except that I literally felt like I was being carried. I said “I need support. I need help.”

That day, I found the lake that I have spent the majority of my time at over the past few weeks.

This past week, I was extremely upset. So I went to the lake to cool down. My anxiety was extremely high and negative thoughts were flowing through my mind. I was listening to Pandora and all of a sudden, I felt this urge to look up. The second I looked up, I saw a white bird soaring and my anxiety and the thoughts just stopped… Abruptly stopped. I was overcome by a peace and calm that I cannot explain with words, something you have to experience to understand.

I called my mom and told her and I said it was a white bird. She kept asking me if it was white. I got frustrated and asked her why she kept asking me if it was white. I told her I know white when I see white. She told me she wanted to make sure she heard me clearly and explained that white birds are a symbol of peace. I did not put it all together until I remembered what I had grown up hearing about the Holy Spirit.

I have seen so many white birds this week since that day and every time I do, I am filled with that same peace and calm. Nine of them actually flew and landed close to me yesterday during the sunset.

I want to end this post with a video of my favorite movie of all time, “Fly Away Home.” When I was younger, I used to watch this movie so many times that my family thought I was crazy. One time I rented the VHS tape from the library and watched it 5 times in one day. They asked me, “You’re still watching that?”

At the beginning of this movie, the girl loses her mother in a car crash, one of the most difficult things that a human can endure. She finds peace and meaning in her life when she finds these geese eggs on her father’s farm. She takes care of the baby geese as they grow up. My favorite scene of this movie and the reason I can watch this movie so many times is at the end when she flies with the geese to their final destination after a very difficult journey over many miles.

This scene always makes me cry, not of sadness, but of great joy because throughout my whole life, this scene has always been a scene of overcoming the most difficult moments in our lives. It is in this scene that she finds peace with the loss of her mother and realizes the meaning in her life.

The Power of Prayer

“We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed;

we are perplexed, but not in despair;

Persecuted, but not forsaken;

cast down, but not destroyed;

Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus,

that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.”

-2 Corinthians 4:8-10 (KJV)

This verse just came into my mind when I was praying. I am not going to lie. This morning, I am scared. This morning, I am entering intensive treatment. Those who know me best have asked me this past week if I am ready to do this, if I am prepared to do this. And my answer is yes. Because no matter how scary it is, I know that God will heal me and help me through this.

Quite a few people have asked me if they could put me on prayer lists at their churches. My answer to that is an absolute yes as well.

Why is prayer such an important aspect of my life?

Because it is how I hear God. To me, prayer isn’t necessarily bowing my head or being on my knees. It is being in continual communication with God. It is waking up early and reading His Word. It is opening my ears and eyes to sometimes the subtle messages He sends me (and sometimes He can be very loud).

I have shared this with a few people but last October, I was overcome with an urge to get on my knees and pray. I do not honestly remember the last time I did that. As I prayed, I started to cry and I asked God to take my pride and whatever was not of Him away from me and for Him to transform me into who He wants me to be.

The afternoon of the next day, I suffered a mild concussion and over the next week, I struggled to overcome physical symptoms- stuttering and uncontrollable spasms. I had never had these symptoms in my life before, except for minor tics due to medications.

The doctors were confused. They tried multiple scans, countless medications and nothing helped. My mother said that one night, a doctor came in and prayed for me. My mother said that the doctor told her that sometimes there are things that happen that doctors cannot explain.

The next afternoon, I was talking to my mother and I realized that I could talk clearly again, that the symptoms were gone. I will never forget the expression on the doctor’s face as he came into my room and I was sitting up (something I couldn’t even do during the week).

I do not know why I continue to have these physical symptoms, but what I do know is that prayer works. And having the physical symptoms is one of the most humbling experiences I think I have ever gone through. People have mocked me, rejected me, ignored me and even doubted me. And going through all of this has reminded me that God is my true source of strength, not myself.

I see His answers now to my prayers and have seen how He has answered them all throughout my life. Not always how I wanted Him to, not always when I wanted Him to, but He always answered them. And I know He will continue to answer them. I know from experience that He has more in store for those who trust Him than we could ever imagine.

You Are Not There Anymore

As I started talking, the world around me disappeared and I was back there.. To say that place is intense is a grave understatement. I do not really know how to explain the "there." It is dark. It is painful. There is no light. There is no joy... Just intense terror.

I feel the tears fall down my face as I move from "there" to "here."

"You are not there anymore... You are here," she says. "Try to focus on your surroundings."

"B-b-b-but I c-c-c-can't," I stutter, now frustrated that I have started stuttering and the spasms are back, something I have feared for the past few weeks.

"You can."

"Th-th-th-the m-m-m-memories k-k-keep c-c-coming," I say, now extremely angry and frustrated.

"I know. But you are not there anymore. They are just memories."

By now, my arms are moving uncontrollably and the memories flooding my mind- the pictures- are just as uncontrollable. There are not really words to explain what it is like.

The flashbacks come at all times of the day and the nightmares come at night. They are not always predictable but they are always very intense. I have about a hundred different flashbacks and many more triggers. Some of the triggers cannot be explained.

Until recently, the flashbacks were never so intense that they caused spasms or stuttering. It is difficult enough not to be able to control the flashbacks but add uncontrollable physical symptoms and then you understand what I have been dealing with for the past month or so.

Earlier today when I was struggling with the physical symptoms, my mother texted me this verse:

"O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me." -Psalm 30:2 (KJV)

Even in the most difficult moments, those moments when I am completely consumed by memories of the past, I still have hope. Even in the times when I cannot control my arms or speak clearly, I have hope in the ultimate Healer. I do not know what He is going to do through this process, but I will never lose hope.

No matter what you are going through, no matter what consumes your life, no matter what storms come your way or that you are traveling through right now, I hope you never lose hope.

Letting Go of the Past

One minute, I’m in the present. The next, I’m back there… Everything I feel, everything I see, everything I hear, everything I smell… all of my senses are in the past. In the place I never wanted to back to again. The page I never wanted to read again.

The triggers come out of nowhere. Most of the time, I’m completely blindsided. I have no idea what others are going to say or do, what situations are going to come into my life, what the next minute will bring. It’s kind of strange to think that my past controls how I fear the future.

Countless people have told me over the years to get over it, just control the memories. They have no idea what I have been through. It is not just from one situation in my life. It is so much more than that. Trust me, if I could wave a magic wand and say “goodbye, past,” I wholeheartedly would in a second. But that’s not realistic. The reality is that sometimes we have to go through the darkest and deepest moments in our lives in order to keep moving forward.

When I woke up this morning, my anxiety was at a very low level. My anxiety increased dramatically throughout the day and my heart was back to pounding, my thoughts were back to those moments I would rather forget.

My anxiety became so high that I went to my church and played the piano for an hour or so, just letting my frustrations, anger and fears flow through my hands into the piano. After playing, I just stopped out of nowhere and literally wept. Sometimes everything you’ve been running from catches up with you. I have tried for years to grieve over my past and everything I’ve endured but I do not truly know how.

It felt so good to let my feelings out… Crying seems to do that.

I carry inside memories of events and situations that I have been told that nobody should ever have to endure. There are still many things I have been through that I have not shared with anyone. I try my best to hide those memories and my past from those around me, in hopes that if I do it well, maybe I’ll forget them or maybe the pain will just suddenly go away.

Right now, I can honestly say that God is carrying me through this. I feel Him and hear His voice even in the times when my past haunts me. I know that it is only through Him that I can truly move forward and be freed and healed completely from my past.

Even though I have been through enormously difficult times, God has blessed me with His grace, mercy, love, hope, peace and never-ending strength.

Yes, I have had many tough and challenging times in my life, but I would be nowhere, nothing and nobody if I did not have God in my life. He is everything I have ever needed and He is always there when I need Him.

Compassionate Letter #1

Something I struggle with often is that it is really easy to help others or encourage them during rough times, but it often is very difficult for me to do the same for myself. I am starting to write letters to myself, almost as if I am talking to someone else but I am the one who is both talking and receiving the encouragement... a form of self-soothing. I wanted to share this letter because it probably will help someone else.

You are stronger than you think. Sometimes you may think that you're not strong because of the fact that you're still in therapy and it seems like an endless battle for a better day.

But you need to keep running. You need to keep fighting the doubts, fears and anxiety- keep fighting to keep them away so that you can keep moving forward into the future that God has planned for you.

You've been through so much but with God's strength, you've also overcome so much. I know there were a ton of times in your life when you didn't know how to feel, where to go- what was up and what was down, but those were the moments when God was carrying you.

The enemy wants to destroy you, as he always has. He wants you to forget all of the miracles God has done in your life. He wants you to focus on all of the evil in your life. He wants to consume your life with clouds and darkness so you cannot see the light of God anymore. But you cannot let him steal your joy. You can't let him steal everything God has given to you.

And he can't.

God is in you and is so much stronger than the enemy. The things you have been through were pure evil and extremely difficult but you got through them. God has truly preserved your life so I hope you take the blessings He has given you to help others. I hope you can remain focused on the good and not those evil moments, those evil things you were put through.

No matter what others say, no matter what others think of you or say about you, you must always remember that you are God's precious daughter. And He does not hurt His children. He loves you like nobody in this world can. He understands everything you're going through because He was there. He was there when you were born. He's been with you even before you were born. He has been there with you and for you every step of the way and He's not about to abandon you.

Keep relying on God because He will keep carrying you through this storm. He will heal you and He has redeemed you already.

You are not what has been done to you. God has cleansed you and He loves you so much that He has forgiven everything you have done. You are a human who has been hurt in very difficult and awful ways, but you are not defined by those situations... You are so much more than that.

You did not deserve what has happened to you. Nobody deserves to go through what happened to you but you DID get through all of it because God loves you so much that He helped you through all of it. He hugged you when you were scared and crying. He was there with you in all of the hospitals. He was there, strengthening you... Because God doesn't hurt His children. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He will continue to give you the strength and courage you need to make it through this storm and all of the other storms that are still coming.

When those new storms come or your anxiety continues to get worse, continue to fight and draw close to the One who continues to heal you.

Remember that each new day is a chance to transform and to become the person God wants you to be. You cannot let the enemy win. Always remember that good will win. Keep fighting the good fight and remember that if God is for you, you have nothing to fear. He is on your side. He will never betray you or disappoint you. He loves you and not in a way that is all selfish. He loves you because He created you. Remember that you are wonderfully and fearfully made by God. He knows everything about you and He loves you like no earthly human being ever can or will.

He wants to help you soar over the storms in your life. But sometimes you have to go through the storms in order to rise above them. The sun will always rise in the morning and you know that no matter how many tears you shed the night before, no matter how many fearful thoughts you had, joy comes in the morning. You can continue to fight this fight and the endless battles because God is in you.

You are SO worth fighting for and fighting to feel and find the joy that only God can bring in the most difficult times. God has your best interests at heart and He knows and sees things that you do not. He does not have any ulterior motives.

Keep running. Keep walking. Keep fighting and getting through to another day. Always remember that you are never alone. No matter what the world tells you. No matter what the enemy tells you. Keep focused on the truth. The truth can be found in God. You and God know the truth about what has happened to you and He knows all of those fears and feelings you felt as you went through all of it. He stood beside you and He always will stand beside you. The Holy Spirit is in you and you need to keep listening to His guidance and the truth that He tells you. Let the Holy Spirit be your guide and you will continue to be strengthened.