The Unbelievable Blessings

What if I told you that despite being abused, neglected and homeless for years, losing my brother, growing up in a home with lots of alcohol and drug abuse and dealing with PTSD and schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar) on a daily basis, I live a great life and that I am one of the luckiest people on this earth?

Well if I told you that, I would not be lying. Because as I write this, I am actually crying because I am overwhelmed by God’s goodness and grace in my life.

After attempting to take my life in 2009, I would not have said that. In fact, for a few months after my attempt, I wished I had been successful. But God has carried me out of that state and helped me to continue to fight for my life. Because despite all of the negative things that have happened in my life, I do believe that my life is worth fighting for. I believe that life itself is the greatest gift we have. Our time here is more precious than anything else.

I believe God has given me an unbelievable amount of grace and strength to move forward.

Yesterday, I found out that I am more than halfway done with my Master’s program and that I will actually probably finish in three semesters, meaning I will complete it in December. I was amazed by this news and truly ecstatic. Despite my four hospitalizations and missing over a quarter of the semester, I was able to complete all my coursework  last semester with great grades. I am so fortunate that my professors were willing to allow me to complete most of the coursework on my own and they offered extensions, many of which I didn’t take.

Something I read last night also made me realize how insanely lucky I am…

“If I have food in the refrigerator, more than one pair of shoes and a place to sleep, I am richer than 75 percent of this world.”

-Adele Ahlberg Calhoun, Invitations from God

Can I just say that we are so lucky if we have those things? There are millions of people who are so less fortunate than we are. And that is why I don’t just want to live my life. I want to make a difference in this world and in the lives of those around me.

Many of my Facebook friends know that I have been walking a lot. And as I walk, I have been using the Charity Miles app on my phone so that I can raise money for different charities as I walk. I walk to spend time with God and I feel such a privilege that I can also walk to raise money at the same time. For each mile I walk, they feed 2 people. It’s such a little thing but through the app, I am able to make a difference. I am so lucky.

Given all the negative events in my life that have happened, I feel a huge burden for those who are ignored, those who are hurting and those who are less fortunate than I am. Because despite all of the bad stuff that’s happened, I am one of the luckiest people on earth. I have been blessed beyond belief in more ways than I can count.

A little over a month ago, I had to fight for my life. I was in my apartment with all of the lights off, depressed, alone and terrified. The voices were telling me that I was a horrible person, that I should die, that there was no reason to live. They accused me. They laughed at me. They haunted me. But then my survival instincts kicked in. I knew that if I didn’t call the cops to bring me to the hospital, I wouldn’t make it through the night. I knew that this life, my life, was so worth fighting for.

Sometimes I do ask myself, “What do I have to complain about?”

Though this life has been difficult, all of our lives are difficult. We each have something challenging to go through, but we should never take this life for granted. We are each here for a reason.

God has given me a myriad of reasons to be thankful and grateful towards him. And no matter how difficult life becomes, I am one of the luckiest people, especially because I know that He cares and He understands in ways that many people may not. I have been blessed with opportunities to share my faith in God with others. That is a huge blessing.

As I walked around the pond this morning, I chose to listen to Chris Brown, who I haven’t listened to in awhile. His song, Crawl, really spoke to me, especially the chorus.

If we crawl

Til we can walk again

Then we’ll run

Until we’re strong enough to jump

then we’ll fly

-Chris Brown, Crawl Lyrics

I know it’s a love song, but this song has a great message. Sometimes it takes a lot of strength to crawl, even more to walk and run. But this life is so worth fighting for and we are so fortunate for each day that we have on this earth. Each day, no matter how difficult, is a blessing from God because it is a new opportunity to bless those around us and to learn more about who God is. When we learn this, we are able to fly.