Set the Captives Free

"Christ came to set the captives free. Satan came to take the free captive."
-Beth Moore, Breaking Free

I read this book at possibly one of my lowest points earlier this year. I was reading quotes I had written in my diary when I came across this one.

How true it is!

Christ came to set us free from all the bad stuff in our lives that keeps us from walking into His wonderful plans for us. Satan wants to keep us in the past, in our regrets and our mistakes. Satan doesn't want us to move forward. He wants us stuck. He wants us so low that we forget the good things in our lives.

I am in the process of moving forward from the wreckage of my past. Each new day, I try to separate myself from the hold that the past has had on my life. I try to separate myself from what was and try to focus on what is. And what will be. I try to remind myself that I am free in Christ and I am able to move forward.

The past is over and done with... No longer can it have a hold on me.

I am not a little abused child anymore. I am not a neglected and homeless teen. I am a strong woman who is going to make a difference in the world. 

And that is what I hold on to each day that I move forward.

Moving Forward

"As I have stated in the pages of this book, so many have tried to get me to say that my accident forty-three years ago was never part of God's plan. That my paralysis was never His intention. That quadriplegia was never necessary. That chronic pain didn't have to be. That suffering was never part of His plan. That the many tears and groans and struggles and sleepless nights were needless and a waste of my energy and my life.

I think differently.

It was all planned long ago, and God brought it about in His perfect faithfulness. And because He allowed it and permitted it, because He has walked with me through every moment of it, His plan has been marvelous for [me]."
-Joni Eareckson Tada, A Place of Healing

To tell you in a few words, this book helped change my life in the past two days. It only took me a few hours to read, yet it helped me more than words can say.

I made a few really deep realizations through reading this book, not necessarily things that were explicitly stated in the book but things I came to realize nonetheless.

I realized that I have been living in the past, somewhere that God does not want me to dwell. What's done is done. Gone and over with. I've let my flashbacks and PTSD keep me stuck somewhere that I don't need to be anymore. I am not an abused child anymore. I am a child of God.

I believe I am on the road to complete recovery. I wholeheartedly believe that my PTSD can go away, something that has been hard for me to believe for most of my life since I have been dealing with it for 11 years.

I realized, like Joni has, all that God has done in my life despite the challenges I have faced and that the difficulties are not mistakes but part of God's glorious plan. I have done great things despite endless challenges. I can't let the past overwhelm me because God has great plans for me.

I realized that the past was part of God's plan. I may not have liked it or like it now, but God allowed everything to happen in my life for a reason. I am putting my full trust in Him and His beautiful plan for my life.

I think my greatest realization is that I can heal. I don't necessarily know what healing will look like for me but I know that I don't have to be stuck in the past anymore. I can walk forward, knowing that the past is the past and that I don't have to be overwhelmed by the past in the present time. What happened is done and it's not happening anymore. I can walk into the future, with my hopes of being healed from my PTSD.

Flick of a Lightswitch

“Life is like a vapor. We hold it in our hands, and it curls through our fingers, and before we know it, it’s gone.”

-Steven James, Becoming Real

Have you ever thought about the brevity of your life? About how our lives mark only an instant in the universe? About your meaning in this world?

I have.

I’ve thought a lot about making the most out of my life. Especially since I came so close to losing it a few years ago. I want to give meaning to the life that God has given me, no matter how hard this life has been.

Our lives are precious. Here and gone like the flick of a lightswitch.

You and I could die at any moment. Our life just a memory.

What do you do to make your life meaningful?

Think about it.

This life is an awesome gift God has given us, with its struggles and pain and joy and happiness. I believe that this life is to be cherished. Our lives become whole when we find meaning amidst the chaos of this place we call earth.

And that’s not always easy to find meaning. No way am I saying it’s easy.

There are days when I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. Those are usually days when my mental illnesses have the best of me.

But then there are days when I want to make a real difference in the lives of others. There are days when, as my mother said to me in my last hospitalization, I “get up and meet the day.” There are days when I find my meaning and purpose in life.

Finding my meaning in life is what keeps me going when I feel like I can’t go any longer. It’s what brings joy and peace into my chaotic life.

Our days are short here on earth, so let us make the most of our lives.

If It Had Not Been the Lord

As I sit in my apartment full of boxes, I reflect on the past year. I moved into this apartment nearly a year ago. It was my first apartment ever, a step up from the dorms I've lived in. I came to Florida excited, ready for the PhD program, ready to move forward in my life. Nothing could have prepared me for this past year.

I have fond memories in this apartment and not-so-good memories.

As I have been packing these past few days, I have been coming across things from all of last year- hospital bills, reports for classes, etc. But what I came across today might be my favorite.

I came across a folded up paper from one of the Bible studies much earlier this year.

The Bible verse quoted on the paper really hit me tonight.

"If it had not been the Lord who was on our side,

when our enemies attacked us, 

then they would have swallowed us up alive,

when their anger was kindled against us;

then the flood would have  swept us away;

the torrent would have gone over us;

then over us would have gone the raging waters."

I have grown a lot this year. I think I've realized a strength inside of me I never knew was there. I have grown a lot closer to God in this journey. I've been dealt some hard blows, but I am moving forward. I can speak to the truth in these words.

Quoting again from the paper:

"We are loved by a God who will deliver us from our thunderstorms. We are loved by a God who understands how scary the lightning and the rain are in our lives can be, and we are loved by a God who wants to hold us through our fear."

Can I get an AMEN?

God has carried me through this past year and as I move to a new apartment, I know He will go with me. No matter how terrifying the future may seem, we need to set our feet and keep walking forward.

Getting Up From a Fall

Today was the first day of my new job and to say I was excited is a little bit of an understatement. It is something new mixed with things that I have done. But most of all, going to work this morning meant that I was getting up and taking a huge leap forward in my healing process. I am getting up from a few months of being in and out of hospitals. I am getting up from the thoughts and the voices inside my head that said I would never get a job again, that I would never recover or learn to deal with my disorders.

I am getting up.

This past week was an incredible week for me. I got a job, I secured enough financial aid for my last semester, and I signed a lease for a new apartment.

With all of this moving forward and getting up business, I've been wondering what it means to get up after a storm. What does it mean to have hope again after feeling so hopeless and helpless?

Part of getting up is having hope again. It's knowing that no matter how bad things are, they have the potential to get better. When I was in and out of hospitals, I thoughts my hospitalizations would never end. I thought it was an endless cycle and that I would be institutionalized for the rest of my life. I was so scared that I would never get up again.

But I clung to God and the hope that can be found in Him.

Part of getting up is relying on God. There are things on this earth that are not meant to be done alone. For a few weeks, I had no idea how I was going to fund my last semester of graduate school. I had no idea where I would live. But I put my faith and trust in God and He worked things out better than I could have expected. It's alright if we don't have all the answers, as long as we trust God.

Part of getting up is to do some things we are not comfortable doing. In order to take care of business, I had to do some things that I am not so comfortable doing, like going to a job interview. I love my new job, but I don't like job interviews. Recently, I was on the phone with people in the billing office at the hospital, which is also one of my least favorite things to do. But it had to be done. And when you do those things that are necessary but not your favorite, you feel relieved. Because you got things done. It's hard stuff getting up after a fall, but if you want to get up, you need to go through the difficult things.

Part of getting up is knowing that this too shall pass. Most difficult things we go through tend to get better with time. As I said, I thought my hospitalizations would never end. But yesterday marked two months out of the hospital. You have to cling to the hope that things can and will get better. I often wish I could flick a finger and everything would be a-okay. But life doesn't work like that. However, they do get better over time. It's about progress.

Part of getting up is knowing that God is bigger than anything we face here on earth. Things can get downright hurtful and painful on earth, but something that always helps me is to remind myself of how big and powerful God is. Nothing that we face here is bigger than Him. Ultimately, He can take care of us and He will, if we allow Him. This has taken me a long time to understand. I've often asked myself why if He is so powerful did I have to go through so much. Why didn't He stop it? I believe the answer is He could have but there is more to the story that I don't know. But the ending is good. He is interweaving everything according to His will in only a way He can.

As I continue to get up and move forward, I have gained a new sense of hope. I have learned a lot about myself and who God is.

I want to share with you a song I've been listening to, Lessons Learned by Carrie Underwood. It explains beautifully how we can learn from the most difficult things we face in life.