Just A Closer Walk With Thee

"The spirituality of wonder knows the world is charged with grace, that while sin and war, disease and death are terribly real, God's loving presence and power in our midst are even more real."
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

No matter how difficult things get in your life, no matter how frustrating things seem, no matter how it seems like the bad stuff in your life will never end, God's grace and power are real.

I know because I've been there. I've been in moments where I thought the evil would never end. I thought the bad stuff would never stop. But God has rescued me and shown me His grace and power. It doesn't mean the difficulties necessarily end. But God has shown me that He is present in our deepest and darkest moments. He has been present with me throughout the most difficult times in my life and He continues to be.

The following song is my favorite version of two mixed songs, songs that I have listened to many times throughout my life.

Selah- Precious Lord, Take My Hand/Just a Closer Walk With Thee

Unjudgmental Unconditional Love

"[C.S. Lewis] notes that there is someone I love, even though I don’t approve of what he does. There is someone I accept, though some of his thoughts and actions revolt me. There is someone I forgive, though he hurts the people I love the most. That person is me. There are plenty of things I do that I don’t like, but if I can love myself without approving all I do, I can also love others without approving of all they do… No matter what a person has done, God’s uncensored grace is available. No matter what they are going through, there is hope.”

-Jud Wilhite

I just finished reading unChristian and I found this quote in the chapters about Christians being judgmental. Sometimes we are so quick to judge others, even though we may have the same issues.

I love that Jud points out that what we've done (or not done) doesn't stop God's grace and mercy from entering our lives in a powerful way. God's grace is more powerful than anything else we can experience, I believe, because sometimes it makes no sense. 

Why would God love us despite all we've done? Despite all of our shortcomings?

Because He does.

He created us and molded us. 

Have you ever created something you loved? You poured your heart and soul into making it, shaping it, drawing it, etc. At the end, you see it as a masterpiece and you want to do all you can to take care of it. It might fall down and break a bit, but you still love it. You still care for it.

God loves us despite our shortcomings. God loves us despite our sins and mistakes. There is nothing more powerful than that. And we are called to love others despite their sins and mistakes. None of us are perfect. We are called to show unconditional love towards those around us, those we interact with.

We may not always agree with others, but one thing we can agree on is that we all need to be loved.

Spread a Message of Love

As many of you know, I am reading the book unChristian, a book about what nonChristians believe about Christians and Christianity as a whole. Some of the topics are controversial and I want to blog today about one such topic. I usually try to steer away from controversy but this is a very important topic to me.

Many nonbelievers believe that Christians are antigay. As a Christian who grew up in the church, I have been taught that homosexual acts are sins. However, I have sinned and therefore I believe I have no place to judge others about their sins. As a Christian, I am called to love everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation. Love, not just tolerate.

“We are all sinners. No one is any more likely or less likely to receive God’s free gift of grace. All have fallen short of God’s standards.”

-David Kinnaman, unChristian

 There is one passage that often comes to my mind when thinking about sins.

“Jesus went across to Mount Olives, but he was soon back in the Temple again. Swarms of people came to him. He sat down and taught them. The religion scholars and Pharisees led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery. They stood her in plain sight of everyone and said, “Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?” They were trying to trap him into saying something incriminating so they could bring charges against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, “The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone.” Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt. Hearing that, they walked away, one after another, beginning with the oldest.”

-John 8:1-9 (MSG)

In this passage, Jesus tells the men who were going to stone the adulteress that if they are without sin, then they can stone her. But all of them left, because all of them had sinned. Jesus showed grace towards the woman who sinned. This passage is important because I believe that in the same way, we are called not to judge others for their sins because we all have sinned. We all should drop our stones and walk away.

We need to spread love, not hate. Jesus never had a message of hate.

Jesus reached out to the outcasts, the marginalized, the judged, the destitute, the homeless, the lonely, the desparate… and I believe He calls us to do the same today. As a Christian, I believe I am called to show unconditional love towards everyone I interact with.

Am I perfect? No not at all. And that’s why I need Jesus in my life. I need His help to get through every day and to unconditionally love those around me.

An Undeserved Kindness

The story that the sermon at my church was based on this morning was the story of the Good Samaritan. Many people know this story, about a man who was beaten and left for half dead. Two men pass by him. Then a Samaritan comes and helps him, showing mercy and love to him.

I was thinking about the message today and I realized that I don't think I realized how much mercy plays a role in my day to day life of being paranoid and schizophrenic.

The whole world is after me. The man sitting next to me is part of the FBI and they're watching my every move. They even had people follow me to my apartment so they know where I live. The man next to him on the other side is taking pictures of me, to help track me down. The more evidence, the better. The woman on the other side of me is mad at me for some reason, I mean, really angry... REALLY angry. She is glaring at me and staring at me. Everybody in the world is mad at me. Everybody hates me. I'm a nobody... scratch that, LESS than a nobody. I'm not even human. Why don't they do what I'm expecting them to do and throw me in the lake with the gators?

If you've ever wondered what day to day life with paranoia is like, the paragraph above is how I experience it. The paranoia and psychosis work together to create a cobweb of lies, doubt and terror.

I've come out of psychotic breaks three times now. Each time, there comes a point when I realize that nobody's after me and most of the things I had seen and thought were unreal. When I come out of a psychotic episode, I am relieved to find out the truth. I feel the merciful grace of God come into my life as I realize that I am safe and that I am going to be okay. It's a huge turning point in my disorders. It's also a huge relief. 

Nobody should live a life of terror.

To me, mercy is when we are expecting the worst thing imaginable and then it does not come. It's like living in terror but then a feeling of restoration and refreshment comes in instead. It is undeserved kindness and peace.

Grace for the Difficult

Today was my second day at work. It was a busy day. I only work twenty hours a week, so my days are really short. I love having the afternoons to myself, to take a nap or read a book. It helps me be able to calm down and destress even while I am working.

After work, I finished getting my medications refilled. To say this is one of the most important things I do each month is an understatement. I do not necessary like taking medications, but I know it is critical for my success in life. I know that if I do not take them, I will not function.

One thing I have struggled a bit with are my diagnoses. I have no problem agreeing that I have PTSD, but I have had a little trouble with the diagnosis of bipolar. When I went off the medications last summer, my mom and I agreed that I didn't really have the symptoms. I never stayed up for days. My thoughts were not really rapid. I didn't go on spending sprees.

When I went off the meds, I was diagnosed with autism and undiagnosed with bipolar since my test scores were "counterindicative of bipolar." I was diagnosed with autism again earlier this year and the new doctor agreed that I was not bipolar. Even with my new diagnoses, I still have a hard time saying that I do not have autism because a lot of my symptoms and even my IQ scores are indicative of autism. I've heard of people being diagnosed with autism and a mental illness. It's rare but possible.

After going off the meds, my bipolar illness came back with a vengeance after staying dormant almost half a year, so much so that I had no choice but to admit that I have it. This has taken a little getting used to. When I first was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, I was no doubt upset. It's not easy being diagnosed with something so serious and chronic. The stigmas against mental illness are also very hard to overcome. People tend to run away from it more than they do with people with other illnesses.

But I think that's where my faith comes in. My faith says that things will get better. My faith says to rely on God for the strength to get through the difficult days. My faith says there is a light in the darkness. My faith says God is bigger than anything I'm diagnosed with.

I honestly don't know where I would be without my faith. It is the hope I find in God that keeps me going, no matter how dark the days become. It is by His grace, His peace, His love and His joy that I continue to live regardless of what's thrown at me. It's through Him that I get up each morning and take my morning and night medications.

I wanted to leave with a version of a song that I love that talks about God's grace.

As Grace Flows Down...

At church this morning, we sang a few songs that really spoke to me. I thought deeply about the lyrics and they really touched me in a way that I know only God can speak to me.

A verse of one of the songs, Desert Song, goes like this.

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

I had no choice but to raise my hands up high to God, to worship Him as I sang this song, because I know that God is there during every season of our lives. Even when we may not feel it, we have a reason to worship and sing. I have felt God even in the worst moments in my life. Part of trusting God is believing that He's there even when we feel abandoned or lonely. Because the truth is we are never alone. Even when the storms are raging in our lives, we can trust Him. Sometimes it's hard for me because I feel alone and as if nobody can relate to what I've gone through but I am always reminded that God understands. And that is more than enough for me.

Even in the chaos, God is still God. God will always be God.

We all go through tough times in our lives, seasons where we don't know what's going on. Since I suffered a head concussion at the end of last year, I've had nonstop medical issues. Including the hospitalization in October, I have had 5 hospitalizations totalling up to about 2 months in the hospital. It was frustrating. Downright difficult. Hard stuff. But God truly never abandoned me and He is showing His goodness, mercy and grace in my life. And I am very grateful for that.

Another song that we sang was All Who Are Thirsty, in which the verse says:

Let the pain and the sorrow

Be washed away

In the waves of his mercy

As deep cries out to deep

During the early few months of this year, I thought my disorders would never get better. To tell you the truth, I was terrified that I would end up in a state mental institution since I was hospitalized so much. Either that or the endless hospitalizations would never end. The pain and the loneliness I felt were tremendous, but I never gave up. And these lyrics meant a lot to me because deep down, I feel all the bad stuff being slowly washed away. I feel as if I am finally going to be able to move forward with my life.

Having PTSD, I feel like you know that you're getting better when you don't think about the past as much. The memories and flashbacks become less intrusive. For the past few days, they've been getting better. I'm not having as many flashbacks and memories. They're still there but things are getting better.

Part of the sermon this morning was about trusting God to do more than you ever could imagine. As I go through this healing process, I have had to trust God in so many ways, and He is answering my prayers and truly healing me in ways that I never could imagine. It's not easy to trust. I have a lot of trouble with trusting, but I look back throughout my life and see how God has helped me through the seemingly impossible. I have no choice but to trust.

God's mercy is so overwhelming. It is unbelievably good.

When His grace flows down, it is a miraculous thing...

Nothing to be Ashamed of

Wow… God is healing me like never before in ways that I never could have imagined and I wanted to share some stuff that happened today in hopes that it may help others.

I came across a post on Facebook about celebrities speaking out about their mental illnesses.

As I watched the videos, I was moved in more ways than one, but especially by Mary J. Blige’s story. Growing up as a teenager, I loved to listen to her music. I could relate to the stories in her songs but as I listened to her tell her story, it was the first time I truly understood why her music spoke to me so much.

She said that “All of my life as a teenager I saw women abused, called names, being beaten.” As she spoke those words, I related. As I have shared, I watched my mother being brutally beaten by my father when I was six years old. My father tried to tell me a few years ago that they were not fighting. Little does he know that her  screams will be forever etched in my mind. The images will forever be ingrained.  He has denied ever abusing me, even though he used to physically abuse me all throughout my childhood. My brother even has flashbacks from watching me be abused.

Having been through so much abuse and watching others being abused has made it next to impossible for me to trust people. When I meet men, I am usually suspicious that they have something that they’re hiding. Sometimes it’s just easier not to trust and just avoid people. But slowly I am learning that there are great people out there who don’t have anything to hide. No ulterior motives. Just kind, genuine and real people who want to help people. As I heal, I am learning how to trust. I am learning that I am worthy of love and that I don't deserve anything less. In many ways, I have come to believe that I deserve the abuse, the hate, the lack of kindness. But I am starting to grow and heal. God is restoring my heart in so many ways.

I stumbled across this flower almost blooming a few days ago and I took a photo of it because in a lot of ways, I feel like I am getting ready to bloom. God is healing and transforming my life in so many ways, it is overwhelming.

It means more than words can say to have people and role models who  speak out about what they have been through. I feel less alone. I know that there are others who relate to me. And that is why I continue to write this blog. Being alone can get pretty dim. Feeling alone is no way to live.

I came across a music video by Demi Lovato, who has spoken out about her bipolar disorder. Her song, Skyscraper made me cry the first time I watched the Youtube video. It is absolutely beautiful. It is a testament to the human spirit and the fact that as humans, we can overcome anything that comes our way. We can stand up against things that are meant to harm us. We can stand tall and be proud of who we are. We can stand up against those who do not show us love. We can stand up to those who treat us badly and sometimes that means just being who we are, instead of letting the memories of their abuse dictate how we feel or how we live our lives.

We truly have nothing to be ashamed of. 

I hope the power in those words really comes across, because tonight I am finally choosing to stand tall. I am making the decision to heal.

In Complete Awe

Where do I begin? Seriously… where do I begin?

I just got back to my apartment after a walk around the pond near my home. Lately, I’ve been walking ten miles or more a day. Some of you may think I’m crazy.

But I pray while I walk. As I walk, I enter into a deep relationship with God. I pray for those who are sick and suffering. I pray for those who need healing. I pray for God to revive this world and to show His light in every dark place.  I pray for those who I am walking for and raising money for through the Charity Miles app. 

The excitement I feel as I walk is overwhelming. The power. The awe. The majesty I see in the sky as I look up. The beauty in the birds that soar above me. All of it is God’s creation. And all of it absolutely catches my breath.

When I was walking earlier, I had to hold back tears. Not because I was sad or depressed. Actually quite the contrary. In the past few days, I have just been overwhelmed by God’s grace and mercy in my life. He has truly picked me up out of the pit and is setting my feet on a firm place to stand. He is showing me that He is the father I never had. He is the only stable thing in my life. When it feels like I am falling down, He is lifting me up. He reminds me of how he has lifted me up many times before. He is the strength in my weakness. It is only by His strength that I am here, still fighting through each day.

One of the things He has been teaching me lately is how fortunate I am to have this life. No matter how difficult it is, my life is a complete blessing. Because in all of the difficulties I have gone through in my life, He has been there, showing me who He is. I see God in a way that I don’t think I could have if I had not gone through the hard times. I experience Him in a unique way through my storms in life. Because I have had moments of complete weakness, I see God’s strength more clearly.

When I look up at the sky as I walk, it’s not just clouds. It is God showing how creative He is. He makes me smile as I watch the rays shine through the clouds. I wake up early every day to watch the sunrise and I walk during the sunsets as well, because I see God in the clouds. I see Him in everything around me. Sometimes I see so much of God, I am just speechless. His beauty is beyond expression sometimes. All I can do is be in the moment and take it all in. There are no words to describe the joy and excitement that coarse through my veins. I had that experience this morning and I hope everyone has these opportunities.

As I take the next few months off to recover and heal, I am really excited about what God is doing in my life. I am so lucky to have the life that I do and I know that my life could have been worse. Though I have had many difficulties, I am blessed beyond belief. My life could be much harder, but our God is a gracious God. I am absolutely in awe of God and who He is.

The more I learn about Him, the more the weights and burdens I have carried for so long are being lifted. The more free I feel. The more grace I experience and understand.

I want to leave you with a song that I love by one of my favorite bands, Selah. I pray that as you listen to it, you will be filled with praise and joy, for our God is a good and gracious God.

The Freeing Grace

“One of the tragedies of our life is that we keep forgetting who we are and waste a lot of time and energy to prove what doesn’t need to be proved.”

-Henri Nouwen

“Owning our own faults, blind spots and failures in the presence of a God who already knows us can be a freeing thing. God doesn’t love us more when we are right than when we are wrong.”

-Adele Ahlberg Calhoun, Invitations from God

I love being right. When I enter into arguments or debates with others, I often think that I have all of the facts, that I know every detail there is to know on the topic. But the more and more I heal, the less and less I need to be right all of the time. The more humble I become. I'm not perfect in any way, shape or form and I still often make mistakes of being too prideful. Just this morning at church, I told a few people that I was happy that I passed my classes this semester despite missing nearly 5 weeks of classes.

But the more I heal, the more I know the truth in what Adele Ahlberg Calhoun says.

How freeing is it to know that God’s love does not depend on us being right or perfect?

To me, it is truly one of the most freeing realizations and discoveries I have had lately. It honestly takes a whole lot off of my shoulders. I've heard it before, but it never spoke to me in a way as it has recently. I often feel like I have to prove that I can be all, do all and overcome everything in order to be cared about.

You see, my need to be right is part of something much deeper hidden inside my past. I was often physically abused as a child by my father and when I told him to stop, he laughed and he teased me. He never listened to my pleas for him to stop, even when I cried. He just laughed and called me “stupid” and other names hundreds of times. He physically hurt me even when I saw him in supervised visits. In doing so, I was taught that I was worthless and not worthy of love.

When I was neglected as a teenager, I was taught that I meant nothing and I was not important. I was taught that I basically was a nobody and didn't deserve to be treated right or cared for.

As I grew up in a family torn apart and ravaged by drug and alcohol abuse, I was told by many outsiders that I would become just like everyone else in my family. Some people didn’t think I’d amount to much or that I wouldn’t make it out of my situation to break the cycle.

All of my life, I have always felt like I had to prove others wrong- that I was capable, that I was worthy of love, that I did deserve to be cared for. All of those years, I hid within myself the hidden feelings of unworthiness.

Now that I am in the healing stages of my life, I have come to realize that God loves me no matter what. No matter what has happened in the past. No matter what is happening now. No matter what will happen in the future. Nothing I can do or say makes me any more worthy of His love. I do not have to prove to anybody anything because God loves me for who I am. Already.

I am slowly coming to the realization that I have nothing to prove because God loves me just for who I am, not my grades, not how many people I help or how much I overcome. I am free to be who I am. This is not an easy realization for me to come to because I have built my life upon proving to others that I am capable, that I am not stupid and that I deserve to be listened to, not tormented and abused. I built my life upon proving others wrong because of the deep emotions I dealt with my entire life. That little hurting child within me is rejoicing as I move forward into more healing because I realize that I am enough.

I AM ENOUGH JUST THE WAY I AM!!!!!!!!!

Wow, that is so amazing to say!

And I say to you who read my blog that you are enough just the way you are. I am honestly humbled that there are people reading my blog and coming with me through this healing journey.

I want to leave you with a beautiful song that I heard on the radio last night. I’ve heard this song before but God brought my attention to the words and I started crying as I listened. It is a song about how much we truly need the grace that Jesus offers us- the grace to be free and to be who we are, the grace to know that we are loved no matter what.