Attitude of Gratitude

"I will thank my Higher Power for whatever I experience today, even if I feel troubled or confused. I know that every experience can offer me a gift. All I have to do is be willing to look at my situation in the light of gratitude."

-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 14 Devotion

First off, Happy Valentine's Day!

Secondly, I am pretty much snowed in, with Northern NJ receiving over a foot of snow yesterday.

I don't really like being snowed in because I didn't get to see all of my friends yesterday. But regradless, I got to talk to most of them on Facebook.

The quote above reminded me of how far I have come. We may not always get to change our circumstances when we want to, but we can definitely control how we react to our situations. Attitude determines a lot. We have to get up and face each day regardless of what comes our way.

I love gratitude and being thankful for every good thing in life. Gratitude is so important in determining how we live our lives. It is so much better to be thankful for stuff than to be stuck in a pity party.

I am very thankful for where I am now. It's been over 10 months since I got out of the hospital,. Every day I am excited to wake up. I get to see my friends and I have been applying to many jobs. I have had time to relax and regroup after finishing my Masters and I am ready for whatever job comes my way.

10 Months

Well, today marks 10 months since I left the hospital...

A lot has happened since then. I finished graduate school, I moved home, and I made some friends. I can't believe how far I've  come in a short time. I can't even believe I'm celebrating 10 months and I'm almost to a year. I feel like I am celebrating even more than my 10 month anniversary.

Thank you for your prayers, love and support through everything. I couldn't have made it this far without everyone in my life.

Every day is a new adventure and I really am excited at where I'm at right now. Almost on cloud nine. Things are going really well. I'm ecstatic to be able to watch the Olympics with my friends and we are planning to see The Lego Movie soon. I can honestly say I have the best friends in the world, including my brother.

I can say from experience that you can't let your situations define you or stop you from achieving your dreams. No matter what comes your way, keep moving forward and things will work out. God will take care of you and bless you beyond belief. No matter what, keep trusting God... He never fails.

Willing to Change

"I can't change other people, but I can change my own attitudes."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 8 Devotion

I believe this is one of the hardest lessons to learn in life.

Growing up in an alcoholic home, I constantly wanted to fix things. I wanted to change other peoples' behavior.

But I quickly learned that it was up to the other people to change. They had to be willing to change, or else they wouldn't change.

It is always important to know that you can control your own behavior and attitudes. This is what makes all the difference in life. Controlling your own emotions and  behaviors is half the battle.

I can't change the behavior of my family members, but I can change my attitude towards them in order to move forward. They may not be perfect, but who is? I take it one day at a time and remind myself that I am in charge of myself, no one else. Once I realized that it is my own attitude that I am in charge of, it has made all the difference.
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Small Steps

"Today I have a chance to make a contribution to my sense of well-being. I can take some small action that will strengthen a relationship, pursue a goal, or help me to feel better about myself... My goal is simply to move in a  positive direction, knowing that major strides often begin with very small steps."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 7 Devotion

Slow and steady wins the race. Many of you probably have heard of that quote. I believe it really does ring true in our lives.

I have really moved forward in a lot of ways these past few months. And it began with small steps, like taking my medication every day. We don't need to make big leaps forward every day, just small and steady steps forward.

I am currently working on a book and it's a huge project. I've been working on it a little at a time and I am reminded that I am getting somewhere even though it does not always feel like I am. It is the little steps that add up to a book.

I also am looking for jobs and each resume that I send out is a small step forward, hopefully leading to me getting a job, which would be a huge leap forward.

Trust me when I say that the small steps add up...

Love of God

"In a world filled with turmoil and hopelessness, we are to pray, and we are to do all we can to alleviate suffering and bring Christ's love to others."
-Billy Graham, Hope for Each Day, Feb. 6 Devotion

I know quite a few people who are suffering.

It is our duty on this earth to help others and make sure others know about the love of God. We make His love known through how we live our lives.

In every interaction we have, we have an opportunity to shine Christ's light and love in this world. We have a choice to make of whether or not we want to help others.

I think it is a privilege to be able to help others. Every day, I try to make sure I help at least one person. It's not how good I am but how good God is.

Some know that I have been close to death a few times. I often feel as if I am on borrowed time. So I make the most of every day...

On the Other Side

Ahhh!!!!!!!!!! My excitement still is not ending...

I went outside to shovel yesterday morning and I ended up bumping into the mailman. He gave me a pile of envelopes and then he said, "There's something else." He reached inside his bag and took out a big brown roll. It said "University of Florida," so I knew it was my diploma. Along with that, I got my W-2 so I can get a tax return and the refund of my security deposit from my last apartment...

So all in all, I loved the mailman yesterday. He was the bearer of good news, unlike most days where he is the bearer of bills.

My diploma is bee-yoo-tee-ful.

It is everything I worked hard for in the past year and a half...

It means a whole lot more because of the challenges that I had to overcome in order to finish. I had four hospitalizations in the last two years of college and then five hospitalizations in my year and a half of graduate school. I suffer from severe mental illness, but that has not stopped me from achieving my dreams.

I knew I had a choice to make the last time I was released from the hospital. They wanted to put me in a state hospital and I said "no way. I am finishing what I started."

And I did....

Yesterday, I kept finding myself looking at my diploma again and again, just to make sure it was real. I can't even believe that I did it. I can and I can't. It's just so awesome that God helped me get through everything and that I came out on the other side.

I <3 life.

Icing on the Cake

Yesterday lived up to my dreams, actually beyond my dreams.

I visited my brother, as planned, and he is doing much better. I had a wonderful visit with him, full of nonstop laughter, smiles and hugs. It was absolutely delightful.

Then last night, I went to my friends' house. We hung out and watched the Superbowl. Two of my friends and I were rooting for the Seattle Seahawks and two other people at the house were rooting for the Broncos (not happily, of course).

We had so much food last night I think that I will be full for a few days. Seriously. We had Chex Mix, chips, hot wings, sausage bread, pasta and sausage, sausage and spinach pie, and to top it off, Smores (my favorite). Every time I turned around I had a new plate in front of me. It got to the point that I literally could not eat anymore. It seemed like we had two courses every quarter.

I am so blessed to have these friends and that my brother is getting better. My brother told me I'm his best friend a few days ago. We are incredibly close and we talk at least once a day (most times, twice a day).

One of the things I am most excited about is the fact that none of my friends here in town drink. I was not pressured at all to drink. We had a ton of fun without drinking, just sitting and talking and watching the game. Needless to say, it was exciting that the Seahawks won by a landslide.... That was just icing on the cake (which luckily, we did not eat).

I just feel so incredibly blessed. I don't think it could honestly get any better than this...

Unreal

Ahhhhh!!!!!!! I am so excited!

This morning I am going to visit my brother, Andy. I haven't seen him in probably about a month and I could not be more ecstatic to see him. He's making some progress and I am proud of him in many ways, but there still is a road ahead.

Not only that but I am hanging out with some of my friends tonight to watch the Superbowl. These are the kind of friends where I feel so much better after visiting them. They are a pleasure to hang out with and we all are rooting for the same team- Seattle Seahawks. Not only are the Seahawks kind of an underdog (don't think they've ever won a Superbowl), but every time I turn there is something inspiring about the players. One of the players even is legally deaf.

The last bit of news is very exciting. In the first time ever in my many years of going to counseling/therapy, my therapist wants to see me only once a month. She said I am doing incredibly well. She said at first she was scared I am sitting around the house reading all day, but I told her about my adventures with my various friends in town (I have friends that I eat lunch with every day). While Rockaway is not the most exciting place to live, I have made quite a few friends here. I have a blast every day.

I am still waiting to hear about the new jobs I applied to. I've applied to about 40 jobs in NYC and around northern NJ, so I am just in the process of waiting. I have only heard from 3 jobs so far. I am not losing hope and continuing to move forward.

And you know what I figured out yesterday?! I only have 9 more days to 10 months without a hospitalization. Only 2 more months until my birthday, the day that I celebrate a year without a hospitalization. Unreal...

Life is Beautiful

"You will never live this day again; once it is gone, it is gone forever."
-Billy Graham, Hope for Each Day, Feb. 1 Devotion

Just those few words are very powerful.

We will never live today again, so we need to make the most of today as we live it.

Lately, I have been making the most of every day. I'm on my 15th book of the year and I have a stack of books from the library to read. I absolutely love reading. I am currently reading a bunch of books from a series called S.A.S.S., about girls who study abroad in different countries. I love it because there's always something about the country that intrigues me. I love going around the world without even leaving the comfort of my sofa.

I am really excited too because yesterday, I applied to about 10 more jobs. A few of them are my dream job, working in a lab doing cancer research. I am ecstatic because I met all of the criteria for all the jobs I applied to so I am just in the waiting mode now.

Everything is working out beautifully and I am ecstatic to see what happens.

Life truly is beautiful...

Living Each Day

"The experience is so slow you could easily come to believe life isn't that big of a deal, that life isn't staggering. What I'm saying is I think life is staggering and we're used to it. We all are like spoiled children no longer impressed with the gifts we're given- it's just another sunset, just another rainstorm moving in over the mountain, just another child being born, just another funeral."
-Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

How powerful is this quote? It makes me want to enjoy life even more than I am already.

I went to a Book Club last night at my library. I did not know who would be there but I ended up knowing someone. I had an absolute blast and it reminded me that it's the small things in life that we need to enjoy, the precious gifts we have from God. Last night was full of laughter to the point of crying as we discussed the book. To say it was full of fun is an understatement.

I agree that life is so slow sometimes that we forget to appreciate the beauty of what God has given us. We think it's just another day. But we need to be reminded that every day is a beautiful and wonderful gift from God.

I've come close to death a few times in my life so I always try to make the most of every day. You never know when your last day will be here so you must enjoy life as it comes, no matter how difficult.

Live each day as if it is your last...

The Waves Raging

"When God is the center of a soul, although disasters may crowd in on all sides and roar like the waves of the sea, there is a constant calm within."
-L. B. Cowman, Streams in the Desert, Jan. 29 Devotion

Have you ever felt like the waves are raging in your life, that things are crazy and unmanageable?

I have.

But it is in those moments that I remember that God is here for me and that nothing can take His love away from me. No matter what happens.

I have come a long way in the last year, thanks to God. There were many moments (and still are) when I am paranoid and psychotic; my mind is twisted in all directions, but I still hold on to the truth that an be found in God. He will never leave me nor forsake me, even when the waves are raging. Especially when they are raging.

It is only through God that I find calm and peace within the storms.

How Long Oh Lord

"Facing the past as it may surface in my life today doesn't mean I have to stay stuck in it... Coming to terms with my history and letting go of it does not deny what happened. Instead, it allows me to enjoy today and to move into the future, encumbered by the weight of ancient emotions."
-Hope for Today, Jan. 27 Devotion

"If we say to ourselves, 'How long, oh Lord, how long!' we are wallowing in self-pity. We have at our command the means of climbing out of the pit we are in if we will but use them."
-One Day at a Time, Jan. 27 Devotion

As most Americans did last night, I watched the Grammys (or at least the first hour and a half). I just watched Macklemore's performance of "Same Love," which included 33 couples being married, some gay, some straight, some interracial. To say it was powerful is kind of an understatement. And I began to think about how our world as a whole is moving forward.

I personally am excited about Macklemore's performance. It means that our society is moving forward.

We learn from the past but it's just that- the past. And we move forward, not by feeling bad for ourselves (self-pity) but by choosing to move forward through using what we have around us to help us. We always have the ability to move forward into what God has planned for us.

It may not always be easy to move forward, sometimes it may be downright difficult, but we always have a decision- to stay stuck in the past or to move forward into God's plan for our lives.

The Steps

"Everything about my recovery- my perceptions, attitudes, and choices- begins and ends with me."
-Hope for Today (Alanon), Jan. 26 Devotion

"I'd read the Twelfth Step many times before I saw it. But there it was: 'Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps...' What a promise! If I worked these steps, I'd have a spiritual awakening!... Those wonderful Twelfth Step words gave me the encouragement I needed to begin at the beginning. Slowly, sometimes painfully, I worked my way through the Steps. In time, something amazing happened. I was filled with a sense of my God and His love for me. I felt whole. I knew I'd never be the same again."
-Courage to Change (Alanon), Jan. 26 Devotion

What are your perceptions of A.A. and Alanon? To many who have no idea what it is, they picture people sitting in a circle saying "Hi, my name is ...... and I'm an alcoholic." After all, that's the way movies and the media portray it. They don't usually show the whole meaning of the group.

As I said a few days ago, I've been to both Alanon and AA meetings, although I've never touched alcohol. To tell you the truth, I was bothered by the steps. I don't fully know why. However, I think I just got tired of hearing them at the beginning of the meetings. I often drifted off into space...

Until now.

Reading the Alanon books every morning has given me a new take on AA and Alanon. It is not just about the steps. Like the person who wrote today's devotion, I want a spiritual awakening through the steps. I have had a strong relationship with God my whole life but I want to heal from the hurt and damage that has been done due to alcoholism in my family. And I believe the steps may be able to help.

I have begun to look at them in a new light and I see how they can offer me a way to move forward in a new way.

The Road to Healing

"We don't get to choose where we came from, but we can choose where we go from there."
-Perks of Being a Wallflower

Today is January 25, 2014.

On January 25, 2007, my life changed forever when my oldest brother committed suicide. I cannot believe it's been 7 years...

To say it's been difficult to lose a sibling is an understatement, especially at such a young age- 25 years old. I can remember the day as if it was yesterday.

I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower yesterday, without knowing much of what it was about. I had seen a trailer for it and it looked like a fun movie. It meant a lot more to me than I ever thought it would. Without giving too much away for those who haven't seen it, the main character has flashbacks to when he was a little boy and something really bad happened. At the end of the movie, he comes to terms with his past through the help of a doctor in a hospital.

It meant a lot to me, because I related to him in so many ways. It took a lot for him to move forward, as it has for me.

The quote above reminded me that we can always heal from difficult times.

In life, we will undoubtedly face difficulties. We will lose loved ones. We will have pasts that may be difficult. But we always have the choice to move forward, not forgetting what has happened but moving forward with the help of God...

God at the Forefront

This morning, I am very excited. i honestly can barely keep it in. I got my first call back from an employer that I applied to (a job I really want!) but we kind of played phone tag and I am waiting to get a call back this morning to hear if I got an interview.

I also called NYU yesterday to see if they got my application. They said they were still collecting resumes and it would be a few weeks.

Not only that, but my book that I am working on is 255 pages and I'm a little more than halfway done. After I finish working on it, I am going to edit it to get it to less than 300 pages (a tip that I got from a fellow writer). Once I am done, I am going to send it to publishers (or get an agent). This is a dream of mine that I have waited to have time to work on for a few years and now it's happening!

My life these days is going better than I could have ever asked for. I am ecstatic about everything that is going on and that great things are happening. It's been a little over a month since I left Florida and I am making great strides to continue to move forward.

And best of all, my paranoia is finally gone... I cannot believe the tremendous progress that I am making.

And I could not have done it without God being at the forefront.              

Newfound Respect

"First, I accept my inability to control the disease of alcoholism and admit that my life is unmanageable. Next, I come to believe that a Power greater than myself can help. After taking these two steps, it becomes possible, desirable and even logical, to make the enormous decision to trust my life to a Higher Power's care."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan. 23 Devotion

Let me be real for a second.... I have heard about AA and Alanon for the great majority of my life. I went to a couple meetings of each, although I am not an alcoholic and have never even drank a sip of alcohol. But I never understood the first step (Admit that your life is unmanageable).

I never understood it until this morning when I read it. Why? Because I've been stubborn. I am the type of person who thinks I have control of things. One thing that also frustrated me was that why would I say my life is unmanageable because of alcohol when I have never even touched it? In some ways I felt I didn't belong. 

I don't want to admit that I may not have control of things. As a child growing up in an abusive and alcoholic home, I always wanted to fix things in my family. I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted things to be better.

But what I didn't understand until now is that the first step and the second step work together. Instead of relying on ourselves to make things better, we are supposed to trust God to help us move forward through the unmanageable lifestyles we lead. And I think that this applies to anyone, not just alcoholics or family and friends of alcoholics.

Needless to say, I have a newfound respect for AA and Alanon. I honestly used to be frustrated when I sat in a meeting and they read the steps. Why couldn't I control my life? Why couldn't I make things better? Why do I have to admit that my life is unmanageable?

But now I know the deeper meaning in the steps. And I have to get rid of my stubborness...

Prayer in the Rough and Good Times

"If the problems I have to face seem beyond my endurance, I will not explain them to God; He already knows. I will not tell Him what I expect Him to do about my difficulties; He knows what is best for me. When I am faced with something which it is beyond my power to perform, to decide, or to cope with, I will not struggle with it by myself. I will ask Him to show me what steps to take."

-One Day at a Time in AlAnon, Jan. 22 Devotion

This passage from the devotion really made me think about prayer and how we should pray to God. It made some points that God already knows what's best for us and we don't need to pray for certain things, just guidance.

To me, prayer is an ongoing conversation with God, through nature, through every part of my life, through the sunsets and the sunrises. He communicates with me in  nearly every aspect of my life.

I used to be a prayer minister for a prayer hotline until my mental illness got so bad. I loved being able to pray for others. There was an old man who used to call every Sunday morning. He used to tell me what he was going through at the time and also different parts of his life. I was thinking about this man yesterday when I was reminded of the prayer line.

I used to wait for him to call, because he was such a joyful man despite his difficulties. I think he just wanted someone to talk to honestly. It was such a joy to listen to him talk about his life. And over the times that I talked to him, I grew to know him. It would not be an exaggeration to say that I miss talking with him. I loved hearing about how God was working in his life, even through small things.

I believe that prayer brings us closer not only to God, but it has the power to bring us closer to others, especially those who we pray for. It's not only about praying for the negative stuff in our lives but also rejoicing in the beautiful and wonderful things that God is doing in our lives...

Taking Care

"I no longer have to wait until my health, my financial situation, or my emotional state collapses before paying attention to my needs."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan. 21 Devotion

This quote struck me this morning because knowing how and when to take care of our needs is a huge part of moving forward.

When I first got out of the hospital last April, I had problems with paranoia and psychosis, but I went to my doctor before it got out of control. She prescribed me with a new medication and my paranoia and psychosis got better. Not gone but better.

I've learned throughout having mental illnesses that I need to take care of myself in order to make good progress and to move forward. This is true whether or not you have mental illness. You need to take care of yourself before things get out of control...

Pivotal Attitude

"The time has come for me to realize that my attitude toward the life I am living and the people in it, can have a tangible, measurable effect on what happens to me day by day."
-One Day at a Time in AlAnon, p. 246

This quote was in today's reading in Hope for Today, my favorite Alanon book. I haven't been to AlAnon in a few years and I only went a few times but I choose to read the devotions every day because they help me deal with the day to day of my being on this earth.

I like this quote because it shines light on our attitude towards life. Ever heard of the quote "Attitude determines altitude?" I have...

Our attitudes in this life determine a lot of where we go and what we do.

When I was in and out of hospitals in the Spring semester of last year, missing over 2 months of school, I was determined to finish the semester strong. Each time I got out of the hospital, I caught up with my work within 3 days of being discharged. I was given extensions by my professors, most of which I did not use.

The fourth time I was in the hospital, I was told by the doctors to withdraw from my courses, saying that it wasn't worth failing. To them, they thought I was failing all of my courses because I missed nearly half the semester. But after I got out, I talked to my professors and they all said to stay in.

So I was determined... The last two weeks of classes, I had two big papers to write. One I wrote on a creative idea to help with the treatment, diagnosis and research of cancers through the use of quantum physics. The other paper was on synchronization and phase amplitude coupling of brain signals.

Needless to say, I buckled down, read over 80 papers in the last two weeks of classes and wrote those two papers.... Right after getting out of the hospital.

I received an A, a B, and a B+ that semester, something that I attribute to my attitude about what I was dealing with. I easily could have given up on the semester, but I did not. I kept moving forward, forging ahead through the difficulties and came up on top.

I believe wholeheartedly that our attitude towards the life we lead is extremely important. Without a positive attitude, this life is meaningless and we are just drifting. But if we have an attitude of overcoming obstacles and nothing can get in our way, we can overcome anything.

One Day at a Time

"No matter what the problems are that we're trying to cope with, a major source of frustration is trying to encompass too much at once. We forget that we need to deal with only one day at a time, and try to crowd too much into the waking hours of that day."
-One Day at a Time (Alanon), Jan. 19 Devotion

When I was in college, I was extremely busy. I worked 50-60 hours a week on top of going to college full time. I made sure to sleep at least 7 hours a night, so I crammed everything into my waking hours. If I wasn't sleeping, I was either at work, in class or doing homework. Forget time with friends. Who has time for that?

If I could go back, I would have done it differently. I even barely had time to go to church and often-times skipped out to go to work. It's hard to think that I did that, but I was even too busy for church.

And that did a lot of damage to my relationship with God in college... I fell further and further away from Him.

In graduate school, things were different. I worked but it was part of my school and I only worked 40 hour weeks and got paid more. I had time to go to church and even hang out with friends. My relationship with God grew as well as my relationships with others.

The one thing I have learned throughout all of this is that I needed to slow down and take it one day at a time, especially in my healing journey. In order to recover, I've had to take it slow and easy, not trying to overachieve on everything.

Slow and steady...