A Letter to the Abused

This is a letter I wrote while in the hospital.

To those who have been abused,

I have been where you are. I have felt the despair of being made to feel inferior, used and demeaned. Trust me when I say that I have felt the great depths of the human condition. I have felt great pain but I have also felt the great heights of God's unconditional love.

You are loved. You are cherished by a power greater than yourself or I could ever be. I can tell you that this life is worth more than gold and it is worth more than what you have been through. I can tell you that you do not have to forgive, for forgiveness should never be forced. I highly encourage you to forgive though.

People are not meant or made to be abused. We were made for true agape, unconditional love- a love that knows no bounds and is there at all times.

You are deeply cared for. There are really good people out there who will love you no matter what. There are people out there who will treat you in the way you deserve to. I am one of them. I have been abused very severely and yet I know that love. I know and understand a deep love that is not sexual but rather loves without condition. A love that looks beyond mistakes and darkness. A love that drives out hate, as Dr Martin Luther King Jr. spoke of.

Hate has no place in this world. Only love can transform this world in a way that is unimaginable and beyond that which we can ever speak of or think of. Anger has a place in this world as well but forgiveness is worth so much more. Forgiveness can transform our hearts in unimaginable ways. It feels very good to release the anger that find a place in our hearts.

Release that fear and anger. It is not correct to create fear in this world. Release the fear that drives hate and anger. Release all the tension of what you have been through.

I say that I do not want people to pity me about what I have been through because pity does not get me anywhere. It is just pity. I find great strength in helping others and healing people who have been through what I have been through. I find strength in transforming the world with what little I have. To know that I have made a difference in another person's life helps all the mistakes and all the evil in my life worth it. It makes my life meaningful.

I am sorry for what you have been through. You did not deserve it. You are stronger than the circumstances you have found yourself in. You are more than the evil. You are a great person who was born todo something with your life. You do not have to change the world. All you have to do is change the world for one person. If I've met you, you've made a difference in the world because you helped me to transform the world. Please take this life seriously because you only have one. Make the most of it.

You are deeply loved. Deeply cherished for being you. You are a beautiful child of God. You are to be respected. You are wanted, needed and accepted for you. You have a place in this world. You are to be loved in an appropriate manner. You are not to be used or disrespected. You are wonderful. You are a beautiful being with feelings, emotions and behaviors. You are not an object. You are to be loved and cherished from the moment you are born to the moment you take your last breath. We all make mistakes but know that I love you.

Love,
Chelsea Kowal (Mother Chelsea)

To Share or Not to Share

"In a pioneering study, psychologist and University of Texas professor James Pennebaker and his colleagues studied what happened when trauma survivors- specifically rape and incest survivors- kept their experiences secret. The research team found that the act of not discussing a traumatic event or confiding it to another person could be more damaging than the actual event. Conversely, when people shared their stories and experiences, their physical health improved, their doctor's visits decreased and they showed significant decreases in their stress hormones."
-Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Wow. Does any of this surprise you?

Many people wonder why I am so vocal about the abuse I survived as a child. Some say that I should not share what I've been through. But this research shows that people who have been abused should share what they've been through.

It is healthy to share...

Sometimes it's scary to share your story but it is a huge relief when others understand what you've been through or they can relate. It's a huge relief when people take the time to understand and listen. It helps a ton actually. Knowing that you're not alone in the fight makes the fight all the more worth it.

Attitude of Gratitude

"I will thank my Higher Power for whatever I experience today, even if I feel troubled or confused. I know that every experience can offer me a gift. All I have to do is be willing to look at my situation in the light of gratitude."

-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 14 Devotion

First off, Happy Valentine's Day!

Secondly, I am pretty much snowed in, with Northern NJ receiving over a foot of snow yesterday.

I don't really like being snowed in because I didn't get to see all of my friends yesterday. But regradless, I got to talk to most of them on Facebook.

The quote above reminded me of how far I have come. We may not always get to change our circumstances when we want to, but we can definitely control how we react to our situations. Attitude determines a lot. We have to get up and face each day regardless of what comes our way.

I love gratitude and being thankful for every good thing in life. Gratitude is so important in determining how we live our lives. It is so much better to be thankful for stuff than to be stuck in a pity party.

I am very thankful for where I am now. It's been over 10 months since I got out of the hospital,. Every day I am excited to wake up. I get to see my friends and I have been applying to many jobs. I have had time to relax and regroup after finishing my Masters and I am ready for whatever job comes my way.

Beautiful Friendships

"I know that I was pulled from despair by the love of strangers who quickly became friends."
-Courage to Change, Feb. 11 Devotion

I have made quite a few friends since I came home to NJ a few months ago. Every day, I go to my friend's store (she owns the store) and meet up with a few friends to eat lunch together. I run some errands for a friend. We laugh and tell stories together. Lately, I've been reading a Chicken Soup book to them. I am so grateful to them for the time we spend together. I couldn't imagine being alone now that I feel the love that they show towards me.

I also have friends who live nearby and I go to their house usually in the afternoon to watch the Olympics together. There are four of them who live in a house together. I love visiting them and watching together. We laugh together and just enjoy each other's company.

It is interesting that we used to be strangers but we definitely all quickly became friends. I even remember seeing one of my friends around the lake before I finally met them and now we are really good friends.

Needless to say, I am extremely fortunate to have the friends that I do. They make every day fun and full of joy. It is an absolute blessing to be their friend.

10 Months

Well, today marks 10 months since I left the hospital...

A lot has happened since then. I finished graduate school, I moved home, and I made some friends. I can't believe how far I've  come in a short time. I can't even believe I'm celebrating 10 months and I'm almost to a year. I feel like I am celebrating even more than my 10 month anniversary.

Thank you for your prayers, love and support through everything. I couldn't have made it this far without everyone in my life.

Every day is a new adventure and I really am excited at where I'm at right now. Almost on cloud nine. Things are going really well. I'm ecstatic to be able to watch the Olympics with my friends and we are planning to see The Lego Movie soon. I can honestly say I have the best friends in the world, including my brother.

I can say from experience that you can't let your situations define you or stop you from achieving your dreams. No matter what comes your way, keep moving forward and things will work out. God will take care of you and bless you beyond belief. No matter what, keep trusting God... He never fails.

Willing to Change

"I can't change other people, but I can change my own attitudes."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 8 Devotion

I believe this is one of the hardest lessons to learn in life.

Growing up in an alcoholic home, I constantly wanted to fix things. I wanted to change other peoples' behavior.

But I quickly learned that it was up to the other people to change. They had to be willing to change, or else they wouldn't change.

It is always important to know that you can control your own behavior and attitudes. This is what makes all the difference in life. Controlling your own emotions and  behaviors is half the battle.

I can't change the behavior of my family members, but I can change my attitude towards them in order to move forward. They may not be perfect, but who is? I take it one day at a time and remind myself that I am in charge of myself, no one else. Once I realized that it is my own attitude that I am in charge of, it has made all the difference.
/

On the Other Side

Ahhh!!!!!!!!!! My excitement still is not ending...

I went outside to shovel yesterday morning and I ended up bumping into the mailman. He gave me a pile of envelopes and then he said, "There's something else." He reached inside his bag and took out a big brown roll. It said "University of Florida," so I knew it was my diploma. Along with that, I got my W-2 so I can get a tax return and the refund of my security deposit from my last apartment...

So all in all, I loved the mailman yesterday. He was the bearer of good news, unlike most days where he is the bearer of bills.

My diploma is bee-yoo-tee-ful.

It is everything I worked hard for in the past year and a half...

It means a whole lot more because of the challenges that I had to overcome in order to finish. I had four hospitalizations in the last two years of college and then five hospitalizations in my year and a half of graduate school. I suffer from severe mental illness, but that has not stopped me from achieving my dreams.

I knew I had a choice to make the last time I was released from the hospital. They wanted to put me in a state hospital and I said "no way. I am finishing what I started."

And I did....

Yesterday, I kept finding myself looking at my diploma again and again, just to make sure it was real. I can't even believe that I did it. I can and I can't. It's just so awesome that God helped me get through everything and that I came out on the other side.

I <3 life.

The Waves Raging

"When God is the center of a soul, although disasters may crowd in on all sides and roar like the waves of the sea, there is a constant calm within."
-L. B. Cowman, Streams in the Desert, Jan. 29 Devotion

Have you ever felt like the waves are raging in your life, that things are crazy and unmanageable?

I have.

But it is in those moments that I remember that God is here for me and that nothing can take His love away from me. No matter what happens.

I have come a long way in the last year, thanks to God. There were many moments (and still are) when I am paranoid and psychotic; my mind is twisted in all directions, but I still hold on to the truth that an be found in God. He will never leave me nor forsake me, even when the waves are raging. Especially when they are raging.

It is only through God that I find calm and peace within the storms.

1000 Miles

 Yesterday, I achieved my ongoing goal of reaching 1000 miles of walking/running. Anybody who knows me knows that I have been walking with an app called Charity Miles, in which they donate 25 cents for each mile walked or run to about 20 different charities.

I have raised over $250 for some of the charities. In total, I have raised money to feed hundreds of people around the world, along with raising money for research for various diseases. Some of my favorite charities donate eyeglasses and shoes to children in need. I have walked for Habitat for Humanity and the Special Olympics as well.

There are no words to describe how much it means to me to be blessed enough to be able to walk and run for charities anywhere I want, all the time. It doesn't take much to walk a few miles and through doing that, I am able to bless many people.

If I can make a small difference in the lives of others, my life has been meaningful.

I started walking with Charity Miles after I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar disorders. I wanted something that would help me deal with the disorders. It started out as a coping mechanism, but as I realized how much walking helped others too, I made the goal to walk 1000 miles. I believe that walking has helped me to maintain my mental health enough to be 9 and a half months out of the hospital.

For now, my next goal is 2500 miles, which may take a few years. But I will achieve it. 

How Long Oh Lord

"Facing the past as it may surface in my life today doesn't mean I have to stay stuck in it... Coming to terms with my history and letting go of it does not deny what happened. Instead, it allows me to enjoy today and to move into the future, encumbered by the weight of ancient emotions."
-Hope for Today, Jan. 27 Devotion

"If we say to ourselves, 'How long, oh Lord, how long!' we are wallowing in self-pity. We have at our command the means of climbing out of the pit we are in if we will but use them."
-One Day at a Time, Jan. 27 Devotion

As most Americans did last night, I watched the Grammys (or at least the first hour and a half). I just watched Macklemore's performance of "Same Love," which included 33 couples being married, some gay, some straight, some interracial. To say it was powerful is kind of an understatement. And I began to think about how our world as a whole is moving forward.

I personally am excited about Macklemore's performance. It means that our society is moving forward.

We learn from the past but it's just that- the past. And we move forward, not by feeling bad for ourselves (self-pity) but by choosing to move forward through using what we have around us to help us. We always have the ability to move forward into what God has planned for us.

It may not always be easy to move forward, sometimes it may be downright difficult, but we always have a decision- to stay stuck in the past or to move forward into God's plan for our lives.

The Steps

"Everything about my recovery- my perceptions, attitudes, and choices- begins and ends with me."
-Hope for Today (Alanon), Jan. 26 Devotion

"I'd read the Twelfth Step many times before I saw it. But there it was: 'Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps...' What a promise! If I worked these steps, I'd have a spiritual awakening!... Those wonderful Twelfth Step words gave me the encouragement I needed to begin at the beginning. Slowly, sometimes painfully, I worked my way through the Steps. In time, something amazing happened. I was filled with a sense of my God and His love for me. I felt whole. I knew I'd never be the same again."
-Courage to Change (Alanon), Jan. 26 Devotion

What are your perceptions of A.A. and Alanon? To many who have no idea what it is, they picture people sitting in a circle saying "Hi, my name is ...... and I'm an alcoholic." After all, that's the way movies and the media portray it. They don't usually show the whole meaning of the group.

As I said a few days ago, I've been to both Alanon and AA meetings, although I've never touched alcohol. To tell you the truth, I was bothered by the steps. I don't fully know why. However, I think I just got tired of hearing them at the beginning of the meetings. I often drifted off into space...

Until now.

Reading the Alanon books every morning has given me a new take on AA and Alanon. It is not just about the steps. Like the person who wrote today's devotion, I want a spiritual awakening through the steps. I have had a strong relationship with God my whole life but I want to heal from the hurt and damage that has been done due to alcoholism in my family. And I believe the steps may be able to help.

I have begun to look at them in a new light and I see how they can offer me a way to move forward in a new way.

The Road to Healing

"We don't get to choose where we came from, but we can choose where we go from there."
-Perks of Being a Wallflower

Today is January 25, 2014.

On January 25, 2007, my life changed forever when my oldest brother committed suicide. I cannot believe it's been 7 years...

To say it's been difficult to lose a sibling is an understatement, especially at such a young age- 25 years old. I can remember the day as if it was yesterday.

I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower yesterday, without knowing much of what it was about. I had seen a trailer for it and it looked like a fun movie. It meant a lot more to me than I ever thought it would. Without giving too much away for those who haven't seen it, the main character has flashbacks to when he was a little boy and something really bad happened. At the end of the movie, he comes to terms with his past through the help of a doctor in a hospital.

It meant a lot to me, because I related to him in so many ways. It took a lot for him to move forward, as it has for me.

The quote above reminded me that we can always heal from difficult times.

In life, we will undoubtedly face difficulties. We will lose loved ones. We will have pasts that may be difficult. But we always have the choice to move forward, not forgetting what has happened but moving forward with the help of God...

God at the Forefront

This morning, I am very excited. i honestly can barely keep it in. I got my first call back from an employer that I applied to (a job I really want!) but we kind of played phone tag and I am waiting to get a call back this morning to hear if I got an interview.

I also called NYU yesterday to see if they got my application. They said they were still collecting resumes and it would be a few weeks.

Not only that, but my book that I am working on is 255 pages and I'm a little more than halfway done. After I finish working on it, I am going to edit it to get it to less than 300 pages (a tip that I got from a fellow writer). Once I am done, I am going to send it to publishers (or get an agent). This is a dream of mine that I have waited to have time to work on for a few years and now it's happening!

My life these days is going better than I could have ever asked for. I am ecstatic about everything that is going on and that great things are happening. It's been a little over a month since I left Florida and I am making great strides to continue to move forward.

And best of all, my paranoia is finally gone... I cannot believe the tremendous progress that I am making.

And I could not have done it without God being at the forefront.              

Prayer in the Rough and Good Times

"If the problems I have to face seem beyond my endurance, I will not explain them to God; He already knows. I will not tell Him what I expect Him to do about my difficulties; He knows what is best for me. When I am faced with something which it is beyond my power to perform, to decide, or to cope with, I will not struggle with it by myself. I will ask Him to show me what steps to take."

-One Day at a Time in AlAnon, Jan. 22 Devotion

This passage from the devotion really made me think about prayer and how we should pray to God. It made some points that God already knows what's best for us and we don't need to pray for certain things, just guidance.

To me, prayer is an ongoing conversation with God, through nature, through every part of my life, through the sunsets and the sunrises. He communicates with me in  nearly every aspect of my life.

I used to be a prayer minister for a prayer hotline until my mental illness got so bad. I loved being able to pray for others. There was an old man who used to call every Sunday morning. He used to tell me what he was going through at the time and also different parts of his life. I was thinking about this man yesterday when I was reminded of the prayer line.

I used to wait for him to call, because he was such a joyful man despite his difficulties. I think he just wanted someone to talk to honestly. It was such a joy to listen to him talk about his life. And over the times that I talked to him, I grew to know him. It would not be an exaggeration to say that I miss talking with him. I loved hearing about how God was working in his life, even through small things.

I believe that prayer brings us closer not only to God, but it has the power to bring us closer to others, especially those who we pray for. It's not only about praying for the negative stuff in our lives but also rejoicing in the beautiful and wonderful things that God is doing in our lives...

Taking Care

"I no longer have to wait until my health, my financial situation, or my emotional state collapses before paying attention to my needs."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Jan. 21 Devotion

This quote struck me this morning because knowing how and when to take care of our needs is a huge part of moving forward.

When I first got out of the hospital last April, I had problems with paranoia and psychosis, but I went to my doctor before it got out of control. She prescribed me with a new medication and my paranoia and psychosis got better. Not gone but better.

I've learned throughout having mental illnesses that I need to take care of myself in order to make good progress and to move forward. This is true whether or not you have mental illness. You need to take care of yourself before things get out of control...

Pivotal Attitude

"The time has come for me to realize that my attitude toward the life I am living and the people in it, can have a tangible, measurable effect on what happens to me day by day."
-One Day at a Time in AlAnon, p. 246

This quote was in today's reading in Hope for Today, my favorite Alanon book. I haven't been to AlAnon in a few years and I only went a few times but I choose to read the devotions every day because they help me deal with the day to day of my being on this earth.

I like this quote because it shines light on our attitude towards life. Ever heard of the quote "Attitude determines altitude?" I have...

Our attitudes in this life determine a lot of where we go and what we do.

When I was in and out of hospitals in the Spring semester of last year, missing over 2 months of school, I was determined to finish the semester strong. Each time I got out of the hospital, I caught up with my work within 3 days of being discharged. I was given extensions by my professors, most of which I did not use.

The fourth time I was in the hospital, I was told by the doctors to withdraw from my courses, saying that it wasn't worth failing. To them, they thought I was failing all of my courses because I missed nearly half the semester. But after I got out, I talked to my professors and they all said to stay in.

So I was determined... The last two weeks of classes, I had two big papers to write. One I wrote on a creative idea to help with the treatment, diagnosis and research of cancers through the use of quantum physics. The other paper was on synchronization and phase amplitude coupling of brain signals.

Needless to say, I buckled down, read over 80 papers in the last two weeks of classes and wrote those two papers.... Right after getting out of the hospital.

I received an A, a B, and a B+ that semester, something that I attribute to my attitude about what I was dealing with. I easily could have given up on the semester, but I did not. I kept moving forward, forging ahead through the difficulties and came up on top.

I believe wholeheartedly that our attitude towards the life we lead is extremely important. Without a positive attitude, this life is meaningless and we are just drifting. But if we have an attitude of overcoming obstacles and nothing can get in our way, we can overcome anything.

One Day at a Time

"No matter what the problems are that we're trying to cope with, a major source of frustration is trying to encompass too much at once. We forget that we need to deal with only one day at a time, and try to crowd too much into the waking hours of that day."
-One Day at a Time (Alanon), Jan. 19 Devotion

When I was in college, I was extremely busy. I worked 50-60 hours a week on top of going to college full time. I made sure to sleep at least 7 hours a night, so I crammed everything into my waking hours. If I wasn't sleeping, I was either at work, in class or doing homework. Forget time with friends. Who has time for that?

If I could go back, I would have done it differently. I even barely had time to go to church and often-times skipped out to go to work. It's hard to think that I did that, but I was even too busy for church.

And that did a lot of damage to my relationship with God in college... I fell further and further away from Him.

In graduate school, things were different. I worked but it was part of my school and I only worked 40 hour weeks and got paid more. I had time to go to church and even hang out with friends. My relationship with God grew as well as my relationships with others.

The one thing I have learned throughout all of this is that I needed to slow down and take it one day at a time, especially in my healing journey. In order to recover, I've had to take it slow and easy, not trying to overachieve on everything.

Slow and steady...

Wondrous Events

"Some of the most wondrous events grow out of what appears to be disasters... Today, I know that even when my situation looks bleak and I can't see any way out, miracles can happen if I turn my will and my life over to God."
-Courage to Change (Alanon book), Feb. 17 Devotion

In case you don't notice, I accidentally read the February 17 devotion this morning. I am in the middle of watching a movie and very tired but the quote above really spoke to me.

Sometimes when everything looks negative in our lives, that's when we need the most faith. For me, last year when I was going through all of the paranoia and psychosis, I went to the lake all the time to speak to God. My faith in God grew through going to the lake, day after day. I remember going and being surrounded by leaves falling. It felt like God was whispering to me that He loves me. Even in the darkest of circumstances, I felt the light and love of God.

Currently, I am applying for jobs like crazy. I don't know what will happen from here, but I have faith that God has a wonderful plan for my life and that He will never leave me. It's been a few weeks since I started applying and I haven't heard anything, so I'm beginning to get frustrated. That's when I need to trust God the most.

For now, I am enjoying life while applying for jobs, working on my first book, reading books and watching movies. I can honestly say that I am enjoying life as it comes. Especially since I'm taking my meds...

Precious Moments

"I am an individual with the right to a good life. I must not look to anyone else to make a good life for me; this I must do for myself."
-One Day At a Time (Alanon book), Jan. 16 Devotion

How many times do we look to others for happiness? How many time do our lives look dim when someone seemingly ruins it?

The truth is that our happiness lies within ourselves, not others. This is something I am learning as I move forward. It is my decision to let go and let God. It is my decision not to let the difficult things in life rule or ruin my life. It is up to me to be happy, healthy and whole.

A good life may be a difficult one, but it depends on how the person looks at their life. My life has been full of difficulties, ever since I was a little child, but I think I do lead an amazing, good life. I have friends and family who care about me. I have a great church. I have just enough money to make it through.

Life does not have to be picture perfect in order to be happy. It's up to you to be happy no matter what life throws at you. Live one day at a time and let go and let God. Don't let the negatives rule your life. Look at the positive and be grateful for every precious moment this life affords you.

The Natural High

"Humility frees me from outside pressures and allows me to learn at any time from anyone or any experience."
-Courage to Be Me, p. 137

Being humble means that you know you don't know it all. You are able to learn from all the various experiences during your lifetime. You are able to grow through your experiences.

When I was manic this time last year, I thought I knew it all. I had the classic manic behavior, in which I thought I was on top of the world, nothing could hurt me, nothing could stop me. I was the be-all, do-all person. At one point, I signed up for a Half Marathon, because I had been running 6 minute miles. I even made a goal for myself to achieve my PhD by the age of 25. I was on a natural high, as they say.

And then the high came crashing down...

Four hospitalizations followed. I was taken out of the PhD program. I stopped running. And my life somewhat became boring... No more high...

But I found stability.

However, that is just what I needed. Because with the high came nasty paranoia and psychosis. I learned through those experiences that I needed to take my meds in order to become and remain stable. I had to take the meds in order to lead a normal life again.

Sometimes I do miss that high, but it is not enough to make me go off my meds...