Nostalgia

"We are often comparing our lives, our marriages, our families, and our communities to unattainable, media-driven visions of perfection, or we're holding up our reality against our own fictional account of how great someone else has it. Nostalgia is also a dangerous form of comparison. Think about how often we compare ourselves and our lives to a memory that nostalgia has so completely edited that it never really existed: 'Remember when...? Those were the days...'"
-Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Hey guys! It's been quite a few days since I posted a blog. I apologize. It's because I honestly ran out of things to say. I didn't want to repeat myself and I kind of hit what they call a writer's block.

I just started reading Brene's book and I can NOT put it down. She makes so many great points about vulnerability. It is a very well-written book.

I chose this quote because for me, lately, nostalgia is hitting me hard. I am dealing with severe weight gain because of my medications, one in particular, Zyprexa. It is known to make people always hungry. I often think of a year ago, when I was down to 105 pounds and I miss that time. I miss being light as a feather in some ways. I was able to run 6 minute miles. I was able to run up stairs. I never got out of breath. I could run 5 miles straight in 15 minutes. I miss the freedom. I miss the wind whipping in my face.

To be truthfully honest, I miss my mania at times. But not enough to go off my meds. I just miss the photographic memory. I miss the running. I miss feeling invincible. I miss feeling like nothing can stop me.

Now I feel so... ordinary...

Anyways, I went to my psychiatrist yesterday for the first time since 2010 and updated her on the past few years. Without even saying anything, she said we would be lowering my Zyprexa, because she said I am on a very high dose. I'm hoping this will help some with my weight gain. But at the same time I don't want it to affect my paranoia/psychosis. I am scared to go down a bit. But I am also scared about the health effects of being overweight.

It feels like there is no winning.

I guess the winning is that I've been out of the hospital for 10 and a half months. That's a big step forward. No matter how much I miss my mania, it is not enough to make me go off the meds and go back to the hospital. I just want stability without weight gain and my psychiatrist told me yesterday that there are other options.

Just keep moving forward...

The Natural High

"Humility frees me from outside pressures and allows me to learn at any time from anyone or any experience."
-Courage to Be Me, p. 137

Being humble means that you know you don't know it all. You are able to learn from all the various experiences during your lifetime. You are able to grow through your experiences.

When I was manic this time last year, I thought I knew it all. I had the classic manic behavior, in which I thought I was on top of the world, nothing could hurt me, nothing could stop me. I was the be-all, do-all person. At one point, I signed up for a Half Marathon, because I had been running 6 minute miles. I even made a goal for myself to achieve my PhD by the age of 25. I was on a natural high, as they say.

And then the high came crashing down...

Four hospitalizations followed. I was taken out of the PhD program. I stopped running. And my life somewhat became boring... No more high...

But I found stability.

However, that is just what I needed. Because with the high came nasty paranoia and psychosis. I learned through those experiences that I needed to take my meds in order to become and remain stable. I had to take the meds in order to lead a normal life again.

Sometimes I do miss that high, but it is not enough to make me go off my meds...

A Light in the Darkness: Natalie Mohr's Testmony: Part 2

In case you missed it, here is the first part of Natalie's story...

Natalie Mohr is the author of "The Tale of the Lantern Lady," an allegorical short story about those who suffer from mental illness and the "angels" who bridge the gap between pain and positive change in their lives.

If you get a chance and are interested, please check out her short story. I had a chance to read it and it was so well-written and powerful. As I said yesterday, it is one of the most powerful short stories I have ever read. I cannot say enough about the story, so please check it out.

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A year before my last job attempt, I met my husband.  I tried teaching yet again, optimistically hoping I would be able to handle it with my new medications. During my first year of teaching and marriage, I got pregnant.  Medications during pregnancy are limited.  The same pattern of depression, triggered by stress reared its ugly head again.  I had to resign and went on short term disability.  It was during that time that my therapist, friends and family recommended that I apply for disability.  "No way," I thought. "How could I abandon my dreams?" But, I felt I couldn't continue to bear this pattern and now I had a new life on the way that would be dependent on me.  After much time, deliberation and prayer, I pursued it.  I was yet again at the point where I could not function. I didn't have the energy or desire to take a shower, fix myself food, or socialize with anyone.  Everyday tasks became overwhelming and felt impossible.

During my pregnancy, I was limited on medications I could take and again experienced irrational and suicidal thoughts.  Scary thoughts - like how I could manage to cut my baby out of my baby and save his life but end mine. Remembering that thought today sickens me. I experienced severe post partum depression. But, following the birth of my son, I decided it was in best interest of us both to bottle-feed and immediately restart  my medications. I managed to reemerge from the darkness within a couple of months. Eliminating the stress of a job enabled me to focus on being a mom.  I felt love on a level I had never imagined. When I looked into his big beautiful blue eyes, I saw a part of my soul staring back at me. I could no longer bear the thought of abandoning him through suicide. No matter how depressed I felt, he gave me a reason to keep on going.  I needed him as much as he needed me.  God had given us the gift of this little boy and he brought great joy into my life as I had never experienced it. I loved him with my whole being and would jump in front of a train to protect him. After a year of forms and appeals, I was able to get on Social Security Disability. It was an answer to prayers and God's way of financial provision. Even though I felt it was a way of giving up and "throwing in the towel," I later realized how much I needed it. It allowed me to focus my energy on being a Mom. It was by far the most challenging, yet rewarding job I had ever had. "God, is this Your purpose in my life?"

I wish I could say ". . . and we live happily ever after. The End." But, unfortunately, bi-polar disorder has no cure. My 13 year struggle with bi-polar disorder, anxiety and seasonal affective disorder has been a cyclical journey of ups and downs.  I have had many periods of joy and success, but the mental illness is still always there lurking in the shadows. At times, the depression has lead me to feel that my daily motherhood and household responsibilities were insurmountable.  I had to accept that my bi-polar symptoms are not shortcomings and are beyond my control. I had to own the responsibility of maintaining my mental health by taking proactive steps and making healthy choices.  I've had to alter my goals. It has been a challenge for me to understand that my illness does not define who I am.

Even in those dark moments, God has always found a way to let me know "I am not finished with you yet." Despite my failure to meet my expectations, I had a new sense of purpose and fulfillment.  At times, I felt that it made me understand the full meaning of true love between God and his son. 

Life was good until I got pregnant again. By then we were planning for it, I thought I had it all figured out.  Again, I had to discontinue my regular medication regimen but this time I was prepared with a list of medications I knew worked that were still approved for pregnancy. However, battling a raging hormonal imbalance on top of being put on bed rest at 18 weeks, I realized I still had no control over my mental illness. I became severely depressed. I was literally fighting an uphill battle to survive.

After the birth of my second son, I was anxious to return on my regular medication.  An unexpected change in health care providers with no advance notice sent me for a loop. I felt like I was balancing on a piece of dental floss. Thus began my mental healthcare nightmare.  I had to scramble in to see anyone who would take me, just to get refills on my prescription.  The only place that would take me at such short notice was a large mental healthcare facility. I had difficulty reaching anyone beyond an answering service and experienced unresponsiveness to my cries for help.

By this time, I was not sleeping and started having mania, something I had not experienced in years.  Lack of sleep is a trigger for instability. I knew I had to find someone to help me soon.  I found a psychiatrist that would take me in right away, but did not accept my insurance. The expense was a sacrifice I felt I had to make. He immediately took me off of one of the medications I had taken for seven years, insisting that it would send me into mania, even though it never had in the past.  As a result, I became severely depressed, had irrational thoughts, severe anxiety and panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and became completely incapacitated. I would look into the eyes of the child that once gave me a sense of purpose and would feel nothing. The smile of my beautiful baby did not even lift my spirits. I was completely numb. I could not function. I felt an extreme sense of guilt for the amount of help I needed to take care of myself and my two children. The new medications began to give me horrible side effects. I lost 25 pounds within a few months and was constantly nauseous. I was always nervous.  I could not handle conflict or stress of any kind. I started getting migraines every week from the tension. At one point, I began to have auditory hallucinations, something I had never experienced.  My condition was worsening. All of this while trying to be a mother to a newborn and a 4 year old. Instead of taking me off of the ineffective medications, the doctor's approach was to add more drugs to try to counteract the side-effects.  I was taking around 11 pills at a time and felt like a complete zombie.  I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't react the way I used to. I had difficulty forming sentences.  I tried to play piano pieces I had been able to play for over 15 years and it was as if I had completely forgotten how to play at all. I realized that if it were not for the support system of my husband and family, I would have certainly killed myself. "God help me," I prayed.  Many of my church friends reached out to me by bringing me meals and sending me letters of encouragement. Despite the hell I was living in and the burden I felt I was, God used those times to show me that He was taking care of my needs and had placed all of these special people in my life for a reason. I was blessed by their willingness to understand and to help. It was during this dark time, that I began to write. It was an outlet of comfort through which I could express my emotions.

God answered my prayer for help through a friend's referral to a new psychiatrist. He immediately put me on my old medications and took the approach that "If it isn't broken, don't try to fix it." Additionally, he used state of the art diagnostic tools. He ordered a DNA test to find out how my body broke down the enzymes and metabolized certain medications.  It indicated that in some drugs, the typical doses were either too strong or not enough. He adjusted them accordingly and I made a complete turn-around.

I know my battle is ongoing and will never completely end. But, I remind myself that through all of these struggles and challenges, God has always been with me. Even when I cannot feel His presence, He is still there, guiding my path, watching over me and providing for my needs.  His purpose for my life isn't defined by a singular event or circumstances, but is constantly changing as I grow from new experiences and struggles. When I come out of dark times, it is easier to remember the pain, my mistakes and failures rather than the recovery. Sometimes it has taken others to show me the light and lead me out of the tunnel of depression. But, all I have to do is open my Bible to remind myself that God loves me and created me just as I am. It is full of countless stories of "epic failures" who, despite their circumstances, God used to  fulfill His purpose. I have learned not to be so hard on myself. I have learned to eliminate stressors and negative people from my life. I have learned that, as difficult as it is, I must make it a priority to take care of myself so that I can take care of my children.  When I drop my baby off at preschool, he sometimes cries. I tell him, "Don't cry. Mommy will be back. Mommy always comes back." My relationship with God has been similar. I cry, wondering if He has left me, if He will rescue me from my times of suffering. But, He always comes to get me in the end, a shining beacon in my darkness.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

— John 1:5 (NIV)

The Light in the Darkness: Natalie Mohr's Testimony: Part 1

Today, I want to introduce my first guest blogger, Natalie Patterson Mohr.

Natalie Patterson Mohr grew up in Morristown, Tennessee. She received a B.A. at the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga and completed her graduate degree at Lincoln Memorial University. She is a mental health advocate, a former Spanish teacher and mother to two young boys. She currently lives in East Tennessee and enjoys pursuing her passions of writing, art, community involvement, music, and life-long learning.

Natalie is the author of "The Tale of the Lantern Lady," an allegorical short story about those who suffer from mental illness and the "angels" who bridge the gap between pain and positive change in their lives.

Please feel free to check out her writing. I can tell you from experience that it is one of the most powerfully moving and inspiring short stories I have read.

Without further ado, here is the first part of Natalie's testimony...

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I would like to share my story with you. I hope that my testimony brings comfort to others who are suffering with mental illness and encouragement in that, even though we go through times of great pain and suffering, God does not abandon us. You are not alone in your battle.

I grew up in a loving and supporting environment. Being an adopted only child, I was the center of my parents' world. I was raised in church and had a relationship with God from an early age. I graduated from high school in the top 10% of my class, was the national oratory champion for the Beta Club honors society and was successful in many ways. I always gave credit to God for my accomplishments. I went on to college to pursue my childhood dream of being a teacher.  I spoke fluent Spanish and also excelled in English. I graduated in Secondary Education Cum Laude with the highest g.p.a. in my major and held leadership positions in many campus organizations.

It was not until I reached the age of 21 that my bi-polar symptoms surfaced. I found teaching to be highly challenging and not what I expected.  I had an overcrowded classroom, a consuming amount of lesson plans and grading, classroom management issues and virtually no support from the administration. The stress level was overwhelming. I began to act out in ways that were outside of my character. I started seeking to fill my voids with constant stimulation and pleasure. I put myself in many dangerous situations and was even sexually assaulted by someone.  I didn't care what the risks or consequences where of getting my thrills. If I felt the urge to do something, I did it. I didn't think about if I didn't have the money for it or not. I used credit cards to get it anyway. Nothing was more important to me than what I wanted at the moment.  I completely skipped the process of reasoning and began to think irrationally.

At that point, I became severely depressed. Coming from a Christian home,  I did not understand why I was acting in ways against my values. The guilt and conviction I felt was unbearable.  I sought alcohol as a way to self-medicate. I knew something was wrong, but I did not know what it was.  One night, I called my Mom and told her I was just acting stupid and was so depressed I was missing work too much because of the stress. She recommended I see a psychiatrist for help. I assumed I had depression, but was surprised when I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.  My psychiatrist recommended that I immediately resign from my job because it was affecting my health and I was making dangerous choices.

My lifelong dream was crushed.  All of my life I had been successful and told by my parents, college professors and mentors the same message: "You will be successful at whatever you do. We expect great things from you in your future."  I had gone from an overachiever to an epic failure.

I found my way in other education related careers outside of teaching. I would have times where I felt fulfilled, successful and could hold a job for around two years. But every time the same pattern would occur. Despite my psychiatric care and medication, stress would trigger my mania and depression. Every job that I had, I ended up quitting.  The length of my jobs became shorter and shorter each time. I tried teaching again, thinking without the stresses I was undergoing in my previous attempt, it would be easier. I was wrong. The same pattern continued to emerge.  After a year and a half of teaching, I resigned for the same reasons as my first attempt.

One February night, I sat alone on my bed, looking at a bottle of sleeping pills through tear filled eyes.  "How had I become this person? Why couldn’t I just be who I wanted to be and who God wanted me to be?  I was a good girl." Yet, there I was.  A perpetual screw up.  “This pattern is never going to end,” I thought to myself.  “I’ve been seeing psychiatrists for 4 years and none of the medications have ever worked.  I’m never going to get better.  Why couldn't I just 'suck it up' and 'get it together?' I am not cut out for life.  I can’t function like a normal person in society.  I’m just a burden to my parents.  They are always having to give me money to bail me out of my problems.  All I do is bring them stress.  I’ve disappointed my parents, my friends, myself, and God.  I’m doing nothing good for Him so there is no purpose for me to even be here anymore.  I can’t stand this pain anymore, I just want to escape this pain.  God, my plan is to end it.  I’m taking this bottle of sleeping pills and if you don’t want me to die, then you better intervene somehow.”

I opened the bottle of prescription sleeping pills and swallowed one.  Then, I took two, then three, then 5 or 6 at a time until the whole bottle was gone.   I sat there for several seconds waiting for something to happen.  Would it hurt? Would it happen fast? Would I just fall asleep?  Within a minute, the phone rang.  I answered it and it was my mother.  “How are you doing Nat?  Dad and I were watching the football game and I just felt that I needed to give you a call.  Is everything ok?”  “No, it’s not Mom.  I just took a bottle of sleeping pills.  I’m just a big failure and a burden to everyone Mom. I’m sorry.”  I don't remember anything after that.

In a way, I was shocked that my Mom had a weird sixth sense to call just at the right moment  But, in a way, I wasn’t. Though I had never tested God's power, He had always been very real to me and I’d seen Him do “miracles” before.  I had felt his presence in the past and He had spoken to me many times through His word, people, and even situations. The message that I got from Him that night was "I am not finished with you yet." For whatever reason, however much of a failure I felt like I was, God still wanted to use me.  As I reflected on the events that happened, I saw that God had protected me from wrecking my life by protecting me from the many dangers and consequences I could have faced. Even in my sin and despair, He was still there. Even though I had stopped reaching out for Him, He did not abandon me.

Following this, I was hospitalized in the mental ward. After my release, I had to complete a month long outpatient program and begin therapy. This tragedy was a blessing in disguise. It brought me closer to God, realizing how much I needed Him, and I finally got a doctor who listened to me and put me on some effective medication.  From that point on, I didn't experience mania for years.  I went on to receive a Master's Degree. Through therapy, I learned  coping skills and how to identify triggers. But, the same pattern surfaced through every job I had. Overwhelming stress. . . . depression . . . complete incapacitation . . . resignation from my job. . .feelings of disappointment and complete failure. 

Please come back tomorrow to read the second part of Natalie's story...

The Right Diagnosis

Ughhh.... I just woke up from a nightmare in which I was very paranoid. I haven't been very paranoid in awhile so dreaming about it was not cool. I dreamt that people were talking behind my back, right in front of me. When I woke up, I literally was relieved.

I think I may know why I was paranoid in my dream. Yesterday, I went to my psychiatrist and they called into question my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. The doctor thinks I may have a serious case of bipolar I disorder, with psychosis. Since the doctor said that, I have been thinking about my paranoia. I think I may have bipolar I but the only thing that confuses me is this: People with bipolar I only have psychosis when manic and I haven't been manic for a long time and yet, I have been paranoid and psychotic at times. To me, that would suggest possible schizophrenia.

Either way, I am on my meds and that's not going to change since I function on them. A few people have said diagnoses are labels and that they don't define me. The most important thing is that I am responding to treatment and that's what matters.

I think I have a difficult time being diagnosed with something and just taking it for what it is sometimes. I want the diagnosis to be right. I want to have the correct diagnosis because it tends to give me comfort to know what I'm dealing with. For some odd reason, I don't like blindly just treating the symptoms.

I guess part of this has to do with community. Whenever I am given a diagnosis, I try to find people with the diagnosis and I feel better knowing others who are dealing with the disorders. I feel at home with people who share the same symptoms as I do.

The main reason I went off the meds two summers ago was that I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome and was told that I didn't need to take my meds anymore. And that's what caused this whole mayhem. You see, if the diagnosis is wrong, it messes up a lot of things.

I want to know what I'm dealing with, even if it's just a label. It's frustrating to no end being told I have a different diagnosis every few months. I WANT TO KNOW! I feel like I deserve to know what I'm dealing with so I can continue to move in the right direction.

I'm Possible

"The trials of life are sent to make us, not to break us...So if God places or allows anything difficult in our lives, we can be sure that the real danger or trouble will be what we will lose if we run or rebel against it."
-Maltbie Babcock, Streams in the Desert, Nov. 23 Devotional

 How true is this quote?

I know personally that the trials of this life can be blessings. I have shared in the past about how being homeless was actually a blessing in a way to me. I have shared how God spoke to me and helped me through last semester when I dealt with mania, depression, psychosis and paranoia.

I think we find our strength in the trials through our relationship with God. Or at least I do.

Despite 5 hospitalizations and dealing with schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar) and PTSD every day, I am set to graduate with a Masters in Biomedical Engineering on Dec. 14th. I want to graduate for all those who were told they couldn't do something or they thought their trials in life were so difficult that they couldn't go on.

My motto is Never Give Up.

I am actually graduating early. I took 13 credits this semester to finish, which is an overload of credits for graduate school. It has been a rough semester, as I've struggled with paranoia and psychosis and my classes were very academically challenging, but I am doing it.

I have 3 exams, a homework assignment and a quiz left.

I know personally that God turns the impossible into I'm possible.

Six Months!

This day, 6 months ago, I was released from the hospital. I had been in and out of the hospital 4 times since January and I struggled and wondered if the cycle of hospital visits would ever stop. Each hospital visit, my doctors tried a new mixture of medications to get rid of my paranoia and psychosis. Together, we struggled to bring me back to stability.

This day, 6 months ago, I was released from the hospital. I never thought that today would come. You see, today marks 6 months since my last hospital visit! Half a year. Something I never thought possible.  The road to today has not been the easiest and I often still struggle with symptoms of my disorders (schizophrenia, bipolar, PTSD, possible autism), but I am still making it through without going to the hospital.

I will never forget the day that I was released. It was my 24th birthday and I guess my birthday present was my new diagnosis of schizophrenia and bipolar, formally known in combination as schizoaffective disorder. I struggled at first when I got out, but it's gotten easier over time. Sometimes, each day is a struggle but I take it one step at a time. I owe it all to my family, my therapist, my pastor and my psychiatrist and all of the people who have been rooting for me all this time.

People often wonder how I make it through each day with multiple mental illnesses, but I guess it all comes down to one word, "Believe." Believe in yourself. Believe in God. Believe in the impossible. Believe in the best. In order to make it this far without a hospitalization, I have had to believe that it was possible, even when I wanted to doubt. I had to believe in my inner strength and the strength that God has given me. I had to believe that what truly looked insurmountable and impossible was truly possible. I had to believe that I could beat the odds.

So I celebrate today in making it as far as I have. This is the longest stretch of no hospital visits since 2010. And that is something I really am excited about. I am beyond blessed...

Something's Gotta Give

I posted about my love/hate relationship with my medications a long time ago, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

One of the major side effects of taking my medications is a memory deficit. In college, when I was off the meds, I could memorize 60 pages of notes in 2 hours or so, verbatim. Now, on the meds, I need to study for about 15 hours to get the same effect. And even then I still struggle. I can look over a page once and completely forget what it said. That's not normal for me. And it's frustrating.

Now I know that people probably don't think that I have a photographic memory when I'm off the meds, but I do. At least a form of it. Some people with schizophrenia have been found to have great memory, even photographic. I even had a professor in college ask if I had photographic memory. One semester, I got 11 100's on exams and was working 3 part time jobs, so I barely studied. I also scored in the 99th percentile for perceptual reasoning skills (visual) on the IQ test last year.

Now my point is not really that I have photographic memory when I'm off the meds so I'm not going to belabor that, but my point is that sometimes something has to give if we want to survive. 

It was really nice having a great memory, especially in school, but if I want to survive and be stable and out of the hospital, then I have to take my medications, along with the side effects. I have come to the realization that I can either be schizophrenic with really good memory or I can be stable and out of the hospital.

Giving up my great memory in order to be stable has been one of the hardest things I feel like God is calling me to do.

The reason I do love my medications is that I've been out of the hospital for 5 months and I am able to function and be healthy. I am nowhere near where I was last semester. Can I just say that again? I've been out of the hospital for FIVE MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woo hoo! And that is mostly due to the medications.

Stability beats instability. Stability beats chaos and paranoia and psychosis.

So I am still taking the medications.

Step By Step

As a photographer and blogger, I try to take photos that represent my faith journey. I took the photo above a few days ago and it is supposed to represent my faith right now.

In many ways, I still feel imprisoned by fear, anxiety and my past. I am on my way to freedom, but I’m not there yet. It’s on the other side.  I feel as if I am on the verge of becoming free. I can catch glimpses of what it means to be totally free, but I’m still trying to process everything. 

In the photo, you can see shadows of the stuff on the other side of the fence, but you can’t make out exactly what it is. In some ways, it represents my confusion. Most of the other side is dark- the unknown. Sometimes the unknown is terrifying. 

But peeking through the fence is light, just like how the light of God shines into our darkness and confusion. He brings clarity to our confusion and chaos.

I just went out for a walk to try to calm down from yesterday. I had Kari Jobe’s “One Desire” on replay the entire walk. I love the chorus:

“In your presence Lord

I will find my strength

You’re the breath in me

You’re my everything.”

Every time I listen to this song, I can feel the Lord’s strength inside me. I feel enveloped by His presence.

My anxiety was high for most of yesterday but it was better than on Sunday and it tended to get better by the end of the day. I feel as if the cloud of depression is lifting. At this point, I’m just taking it day by day and my goal is to stay out of the hospital. With severe mental illness, you never really know what will happen. There is a lot of unknown. At any point, my mental illnesses could worsen or get better.

Step by step and day by day.

Depression

I write this afternoon in the chaos of a depressive state. There has been something going on in my family for the past few weeks which has been very difficult and triggering for me. For personal reasons, I will not discuss it here. This "something" that is happening usually causes me to stress out to the point that I go to the hospital. So I'm taking it one day at a time.

I know I'm currently battling depression...

Depressive states can just come on, but for me, they are more often situational. I basically don't want to do anything... I want to crawl up into a ball and cry. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't often cry. 

I received some news and after church this morning, I decided to go for a walk in the pouring rain with no umbrella. It was healing in that I was able to cry in the pouring rain. I was able to give it all to God. There's something magical about crying in the rain or in the shower. It's almost as if the tears are washed away, along with the misery of being depressed.

For most of the day, I've been in bed resting. I know I am depressed when all I want to do is crawl up in bed or that it takes a lot of energy to make dinner.

What my family needs most right now is prayers. I believe we will get through this period of difficulty, as we have overcome so much already as a family. I just have to keep trusting God.

Not So Quick to Judge

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am reading a book called Perfect Chaos. It is written by a mother and a daughter telling the daughter's journey with bipolar disorder. Reading this book has opened my eyes to what it feels like to be a mother with a daughter who has mental illness. Reading the daughter's story has also made me realize that I am not alone in this fight.

I wanted to talk about a few quotes that really spoke to me as I read yesterday.

"I recognized some of the patients as men and women whom I have passed on street corners, under freeway overpasses , in the city parks... The world of the nameless mentally ill and the life of my beautiful daughter were one and the same."
-Cinda Johnson, Perfect Chaos

Like the mother, Cinda, when I entered my first hospitalization in a major city (Syracuse), I realized how many of the other patients were homeless. I was so different than them, being a student, yet our worlds were very similar in that we all are battling mental illness. 

Psych units are definitely interesting places. I've been inpatient 9 times in psych units, two child and seven adult. I feel like I have seen everything. It's a different world. I had to get used to realizing that what I was experiencing was not normal. I remember talking to a girl about her hearing voices and hoping I never would hear voices. A few years later, I started to hear voices.

My new world was full of medications, hospital bills, inpatient stays and outright frustration. 

My first hospitalization ever was in a child psych unit and it was pretty calm, except for the occasional tantrum. I still remember watching a young child be "shot in the butt" after a psychotic breakdown.

I realized that I was entering a new world, full of confusion, terror and the unknown.

"Mental illness doesn't care if you are rich or poor, well connected or not, loved or deserted."
-Cinda Johnson, Perfect Chaos

This quote also struck me, because I think so many people think that all mentally ill people are homeless or they have other misconceptions about mentally ill people.

Mentally ill people are people. We didn't ask to be mentally ill. We didn't ask for our brains to go haywire. But our brains did and we have to deal with the repercussions. We have to fight every day against awful thoughts, hallucinations and psychosis.

It is not an easy fight but it's worth it.

If anything, I wish that people were not so quick to judge those who are mentally ill. We have enough to deal with without the stigmas.

Not Ashamed

My paranoia has been going away the past few days and I feel myself coming back to my normal state. Paranoia is terrifying and takes you away from "normal." It puts you in a state of constant, uncontrollable fear and dread. Every interaction with others is full of fear. It took all of me to go to work, because the paranoia even invaded my job, although I tried to hide it as much as possible.

Today marks three months since I got out of my last hospitalization. With 5 hospitalizations in the last 10 months, this is the longest stretch of time I've had out of the hospital since my move to Florida. It is refreshing and encouraging. Even though I've dealt with intense paranoia and psychosis while out of the hospital, I've been able to maintain my new job and move forward through therapy and meeting with my psychiatrist. 

I've been able to move forward despite the challenges.

If anything, I wish that more people knew what it was like to have a mental illness or were at least more aware of what it's like. People are all too quick to judge someone with mental illness and sometimes that's because it's kind of an "invisible" disability. Even though it's "invisible," it can have devastating consequences on someone's life. 

I would never wish it upon anybody, but I wish there was more understanding. I've been vocal about my disorders because I'm not ashamed. It's not my fault that I have mental illnesses. They are very challenging and I am proud of how far I've come. I am proud that I've lived on my own and fully financially supported myself for the past year. My mental illnesses are extremely difficult at times, especially when I feel alone because nobody understands, but I take every day as it comes.

I'm not ashamed to be mentally ill.

God created me with the mental illnesses and so I am going to live to the best of my ability and shine His light in the darkness on this earth.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made"

-Psalm 139:14(NIV)

Better Day

Today has been a better day than yesterday. As my mom says, "Progress not perfection."

Living with multiple mental disorders has to be one of the most difficult challenges I have been faced with. 

Not only do I struggle with paranoia and psychosis due to schizophrenia, but I struggle with the mania and depression of bipolar disorder. On top of that, I deal with symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, such as constant flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. I also deal with symptoms of Aspergers syndrome.

Needless to say, it's a difficult road.

But I'm up to fighting for a good life.

My mom has been understandably worried about me. Last night, we discussed the possibility of me going home to live with her as I deal with these disorders. I told her that I don't want to, that I want to stay in Florida to finish my Masters. After all, I set out to complete a degree here.

Nothing has stopped me yet from achieving my dreams and I'm not going to stop going for my dreams just because God has blessed me with multiple disorders. It's just another thing that I have to fight against. I want to be proof that faith in God can help anybody weather any storms. I'm clinging closely to God and giving this fight all that I have within me.

I'm taking it one step at a time and giving it to God because it is only through Him that I will win this fight.

My mom said that I have to keep my eyes on the future, knowing that things will get better. I have hope in that, even now, when my disorders are raging. Faith was built for the unknown. And it is through faith that I keep moving forward. Our faith is built on knowing that we do not know what is to come, but we can step forward, trusting in a God who holds everything in His hands.

Better days will come...

Grace for the Difficult

Today was my second day at work. It was a busy day. I only work twenty hours a week, so my days are really short. I love having the afternoons to myself, to take a nap or read a book. It helps me be able to calm down and destress even while I am working.

After work, I finished getting my medications refilled. To say this is one of the most important things I do each month is an understatement. I do not necessary like taking medications, but I know it is critical for my success in life. I know that if I do not take them, I will not function.

One thing I have struggled a bit with are my diagnoses. I have no problem agreeing that I have PTSD, but I have had a little trouble with the diagnosis of bipolar. When I went off the medications last summer, my mom and I agreed that I didn't really have the symptoms. I never stayed up for days. My thoughts were not really rapid. I didn't go on spending sprees.

When I went off the meds, I was diagnosed with autism and undiagnosed with bipolar since my test scores were "counterindicative of bipolar." I was diagnosed with autism again earlier this year and the new doctor agreed that I was not bipolar. Even with my new diagnoses, I still have a hard time saying that I do not have autism because a lot of my symptoms and even my IQ scores are indicative of autism. I've heard of people being diagnosed with autism and a mental illness. It's rare but possible.

After going off the meds, my bipolar illness came back with a vengeance after staying dormant almost half a year, so much so that I had no choice but to admit that I have it. This has taken a little getting used to. When I first was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, I was no doubt upset. It's not easy being diagnosed with something so serious and chronic. The stigmas against mental illness are also very hard to overcome. People tend to run away from it more than they do with people with other illnesses.

But I think that's where my faith comes in. My faith says that things will get better. My faith says to rely on God for the strength to get through the difficult days. My faith says there is a light in the darkness. My faith says God is bigger than anything I'm diagnosed with.

I honestly don't know where I would be without my faith. It is the hope I find in God that keeps me going, no matter how dark the days become. It is by His grace, His peace, His love and His joy that I continue to live regardless of what's thrown at me. It's through Him that I get up each morning and take my morning and night medications.

I wanted to leave with a version of a song that I love that talks about God's grace.

The Good, The Bad and the Mania

“My mania, at least in their early and mild forms, were absolutely intoxicating states that gave rise to great personal pleasure, an incomparable flow of thoughts, and a ceaseless energy that allowed the translation of new ideas into papers and projects.”

-Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind

As I read these words, I was reminded of my travels just a few months ago. Last June, my mother, I and a few other people who knew me well became suspicious that I may have been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. I went through neuropsychological testing with a psychologist. The results of that testing revealed that I had Asperger’s syndrome and I became undiagnosed with bipolar disorder. The test results were “counterindicative of bipolar disorder.”

So I went off my bipolar medications…

Thus entered the journey of this year…

I slowly weaned myself off of lithium, Risperdal and Prazosin. Lithium is a mood stabilizer, Risperdal an antipsychotic and Prazosin a medication used to treat nightmares and flashbacks of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I started walking a lot and then began running. So much so that I signed up for my first half Marathon. I guess then some people may have had their suspicions that I was manic. In fact, some asked, but my reply always was that the testing was counterindicative of it- I couldn’t have it. Everything seemed so good. To everyone, it looked like being off the meds was helping me. I was energetic and very lively. Often I felt like things were too good to be true. I felt so great. I was losing the weight that I gained on the medications. I quickly dropped to 105 pounds in a few months. I dove into my new job, working sometimes 10 or 11 hours a day. Nobody questioned that. But maybe they were suspicious.

But then came the bad side of mania… The psychotic and paranoid side of mania. That part of the mania that I hated with a passion. That part which I was so scared of. That part which I didn't know existed but I may have felt twitches of it earlier on in my life. When I entered that part of the mania- the unspeakable side- I had no choice but to come to terms with the fact that I had been manic and indeed, being bipolar is another part of my life.

Due to two extremely serious psychotic episodes in which I lost all function and capacity to think clearly, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, and PTSD. The two of these disorders are mixed and together, become extremely serious. For those who are not familiar, schizoaffective disorder is a disorder in which one exhibits symptoms of both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I often wondered if I had a form of schizophrenia- always had my suspicions. Even one of the students I tutored told me that I write like a schizophrenic- don't really know what that means. Needless to say, schizoaffective disorder is a complex disorder and I often wonder why God would allow me to have even more struggles.

But I press on…

Always…

Never, never give up and always, always move forward…

I was placed back on lithium and a new antipsychotic. I am having similar side effects to the meds I was on before, but this time, my stability is more important to me. I have no choice but to take the meds.

You see, it’s very difficult to make friends when I am in and out of hospitals. People don't know how to respond to my psychotic ideas and delusions. When I was having symptoms of bipolar disorder, people didn’t know which Chelsea they were going to meet- the happy, go-lucky, on top of the world, overly productive and enthusiastic Chelsea or the depressed, this world stinks, I want to sleep all day and crawl up in a ball Chelsea. People didn’t know if I would be in the hospital today or the next day. And so until my medications have been smoothed out, I was often avoided. In a way, I understand.

As my therapist and I discussed earlier this week, stability is very important in this life. Relationships require stability. Jobs require stability. And as I move forward, stability is key for my success on this earth.

“I cannot imagine leading a normal life without both taking lithium and having had the benefits of psychotherapy. Lithium prevents my seductive but disastrous highs, diminishes my depressions, clears out the wool and webbing from my disordered thinking, slows me down, settles me out, keeps me from ruining my career and relationships, keeps me out of a hospital and makes psychotherapy possible.”

-Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind

Though I often miss the “high” of my manic episodes, the amazing memory that I had that is now gone due to the medications, only sleeping 4 or 5 hours to be overly productive, I am happy to say that I am stable and moving forward. I have to agree with Kay Redfield Jamison that taking lithium is key to living a productive life. I have no other choice. Since I have been on it once again, I have been able to manage putting the shattered pieces of my life together- the pieces that were torn and shattered by my mania, psychosis and paranoia.

Sometimes, I feel the need to look behind me as I walk down the street, a bit paranoid that I am being followed- only a bit of my mania peeking through in my head, but when I am on the medications, I am able to function and be a productive person in society, which is key in this life. I am able to stay out of a hospital and each day I can stay out of one is a huge blessing from God.

Going Through the Emotions

“The process of metamorphosis is going to hurt. Let it hurt. The more you fight it the longer it takes and the worse the pain seems…Even though change hurts, it is better than living in constant misery and discouragement. Let God do whatever He needs and wants to do in you.”

-Joyce Meyer, The Battle Belongs to the Lord

I am going through a time of metamorphosis in which I am dealing with my past. It is not easy, but sometimes we have to go through difficult times in order to move forward into what God has planned for us.

Sometimes that means feeling the pain and the despair of past hurts and regrets.

Sometimes that means letting God be God and allowing Him to work in us, within us and through us.

Lately, I have had feelings of immense guilt over things that I did in the past, some of which people say is not my fault and that I should not feel any guilt or shame from. However, there is a lot of shame associated with the guilt. I have points in which I feel like an absolute nobody, especially when I remember times when I was not treated well. I realize that I am not worthy of what Jesus did on the cross.

But the truth is that none of us is worthy of the mercy and grace that God has shown us. As much as I want to do good things and love everyone, I will make mistakes and sin. I sin every day. That is what makes Christ’s death on the cross so beautiful and powerful.

A few months ago, I entered intensive treatment for my PTSD. The treatment program was based on prolongued exposure therapy. In order to get into the program, I had a 7-hour long interview session, in which I gave details about my past- the traumatic experiences, the abuse, the neglect, the homelessness, the loss, the drug abuse, etc… All of it.

Prolonged exposure therapy is unique in that it entails going back and going through the trauma detail by detail. I had to go back and deal with the worst times in my life head on, reliving the details. I was unable to continue the treatment since I began to have flooding memories to the point that I could not function.

However, I know that there is a lot of psychological backing to the idea that if you want to overcome negative feelings, sometimes you need to go through them and live in them. You need to feel in order to move forward. It doesn’t mean that we should feel those negative feelings all the time. I would not be able to function if I lived in my flashbacks all the time. Currently, I have about 10 a day and that makes it somewhat difficult to function. But it does mean feeling them completely, not running away from the hurt, the pain, the obstacles, the struggles.

As difficult as it was for me to go through the interview, it was very empowering to speak about what I went through in order to get to where I am. I have tried my whole life to hide my past from most people. I did not invite friends over to my house so that they wouldn't see the alcoholism in my family or the fact that I was poor. But in trying to hide such a big part of what makes me who I am, I internalized the shame. Now I am slowly picking up those pieces and trying to make sense of my past so that I can move forward.

I do not know about you but if someone tells me not to think about something, I usually end up thinking about that thing more. So by going through the negative emotions and feelings, sometimes it helps us to truly deal with them.

In her book, Joyce Meyer mentions some of her difficulties in her childhood, of which I can relate and I believe that many others can. Some of us have had difficult childhoods. Mine was full of terror and I had to fight through many obstacles even to survive. In many ways, I feel as though I grew up much quicker than anyone should have to.

Although we cannot change the past, we need to deal with our past so that it does not ruin the future that God has for us.

“I saw that I could not do anything about what I had lost, and I started looking at what I had left. For one thing, I had the rest of my life, and so do you. Even if the years you have lived weren’t pleasant, you still have your future.”

-Joyce Meyer, The Battle Belongs to the Lord

This is not easy. I personally am working on reconciling the various parts of my life so that I can be whole. I have been extremely successful academically and in various other areas of my life, but at the same time, I am constantly reliving the worst times of my childhood. I am a 24 year old 80% of the time and an abused, neglected, hurt, and frightened little girl the other 20% of the time. Who I am is torn. The feelings I feel are shattered and conflicting. Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. I have often told people that I feel as though I'm living two lives. Being bipolar does not help things as my emotions constantly cycle from being very excited about life to being very depressed.

But God brings peace and calm into my chaotic life every day, as He tells me the truth. I am amazed every day at how awesome God truly is.

Though it’s difficult, I take life one day at a time, hoping and praying for wholeness. I feel that we are all called to move forward, no matter how difficult things get. This too shall pass...

I want to leave off with a song that speaks about taking life one day at a time and learning to breathe.

Just Keep Moving Forward

In the past two days, I received some difficult news but I am very hopeful. 

Yesterday, on the morning of my 24^th birthday, I received a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. This was pretty rough to take in because it is one of the most severe mental illnesses. It is the combination of schizophrenia and bipolar I disorder.

I was released yesterday from my tenth hospitalization in the past seven years. Since I moved to Florida last August, I have had multiple health issues and complications, including a head concussion, dystonic reaction (spasms and stuttering), bouts of physical symptoms, and two psychotic breakdowns.

During my psychosis, I am completely disabled. I hear voices and see things that are not there. I do not want to talk to anyone because I believe they can read my mind. I completely lose touch with reality. My psychosis is very difficult for me to handle because it is terrifying. I believe everybody is out to kill me. A lot of my delusional thinking is based off of my post traumatic stress disorder. Put simply, I do not function.

Which brings me to the news of where I am going from here.

The news is that I probably am not getting a PhD. Well at least for now. I am going to try to get a Masters by next fall. I will not continue with any research so that I have time to heal.

This news is quite difficult to take in, but at the same time, it is extremely relieving to me. The only thing that is unclear at the moment is my financial situation, but I am believing and trusting God. At this time in my life, I really need to work on my healing process, especially with the onset of the schizoaffective disorder. Not having the pressures of research will allow me to take time to really take care of myself.

One of the things I really hope to do is make people more aware of mental illness. The stigmas are very challenging to overcome. If someone has a stroke or a heart attack, people are much more supportive usually of them than someone in and out of hospitals with a mental illness. I think most people do not understand that mental illness is just as much a physical problem as any physical illness. People treat it differently. But it's not that different. My brain literally goes haywire. The chemicals are messed up. I take medications, but my mental illness is something I deal with every single day.

I believe that many people with mental illness, with the correct medications and treatment, can live healthy and productive lives. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am going to have to deal with my mental illness for the rest of my life. It’s not something that can be cured. It’s something I just deal with and keep moving forward. I’ve had a lot of issues with my medications especially since my disorders seem to be resistant to medication. But I just keep pressing on.

Sometimes God changes the directions of our lives. Sometimes it looks bad. Sometimes it looks really good. But we have to keep trusting Him. I have a lot of faith that everything will work out. I know that God will lead me to where I need to go once I get my Masters. Sometimes what looks really scary or is full of unknowns is really a huge blessing from God. I don't know where God will lead me from here, but I will keep moving forward.