Looking Back

As I write my book, I am going back into old blog posts and this morning, I came across my blog post on April 11, 2013, the day after getting out of my fourth hospitalization in 2013, which would eventually be my last.

It was in that post that I described being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and also finding out that I was taken out of the PhD program and that I would try to finish my Masters in the fall.

As I read the blog, it reminded me of the fears that I had. For example, would the hospitalizations end? How in the world would I finish my Masters while having schizoaffective disorder?

But as I look back on that time, I had made a determined decision to not let it destroy my life or my career. I saw in myself the ability to move forward.

And as many of you know, I did achieve my Masters in the fall!

You just never know where God will lead you...

When you keep a journal or especially a prayer journal and you look back, it is quite interesting and extraordinary to see how God has helped you to move forward and how He has answered countless prayers. It is so beautiful to read my old blog posts and see how far I have come. It is really encouraging.

Sharing Faith

"Our faith becomes stronger as we express it; a growing faith is a sharing faith. Pray now for those you know who need Christ, and ask God to help you be a witness to them- by the life you live and the words you speak."
-Billy Graham, Hope For Each Day, Jan. 11 devotion

Yesterday I started working on a book I am hoping to publish in the next few months about the past year and the struggles I have overcome to get to where I am today. It is taking a lot of work, but I'm hoping to send it out to publishers by March.

The book is going to be a compilation of my writings, poetry and my photography.

As I am going through my writings from the past year, it has brought up a lot of memories but most of all, I am amazed by my unending relationship with God. Even in my darkest moments last year, I clung closely to Him. It is no surprise that I was successful in achieving what I set out to do: graduate.

I am so thankful for my faith and the fact that I am able to share my faith with others. It is a gift that not everybody has... I share my faith in order to give others the hope that I have found in Christ.

A Light in the Darkness: Natalie Mohr's Testmony: Part 2

In case you missed it, here is the first part of Natalie's story...

Natalie Mohr is the author of "The Tale of the Lantern Lady," an allegorical short story about those who suffer from mental illness and the "angels" who bridge the gap between pain and positive change in their lives.

If you get a chance and are interested, please check out her short story. I had a chance to read it and it was so well-written and powerful. As I said yesterday, it is one of the most powerful short stories I have ever read. I cannot say enough about the story, so please check it out.

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A year before my last job attempt, I met my husband.  I tried teaching yet again, optimistically hoping I would be able to handle it with my new medications. During my first year of teaching and marriage, I got pregnant.  Medications during pregnancy are limited.  The same pattern of depression, triggered by stress reared its ugly head again.  I had to resign and went on short term disability.  It was during that time that my therapist, friends and family recommended that I apply for disability.  "No way," I thought. "How could I abandon my dreams?" But, I felt I couldn't continue to bear this pattern and now I had a new life on the way that would be dependent on me.  After much time, deliberation and prayer, I pursued it.  I was yet again at the point where I could not function. I didn't have the energy or desire to take a shower, fix myself food, or socialize with anyone.  Everyday tasks became overwhelming and felt impossible.

During my pregnancy, I was limited on medications I could take and again experienced irrational and suicidal thoughts.  Scary thoughts - like how I could manage to cut my baby out of my baby and save his life but end mine. Remembering that thought today sickens me. I experienced severe post partum depression. But, following the birth of my son, I decided it was in best interest of us both to bottle-feed and immediately restart  my medications. I managed to reemerge from the darkness within a couple of months. Eliminating the stress of a job enabled me to focus on being a mom.  I felt love on a level I had never imagined. When I looked into his big beautiful blue eyes, I saw a part of my soul staring back at me. I could no longer bear the thought of abandoning him through suicide. No matter how depressed I felt, he gave me a reason to keep on going.  I needed him as much as he needed me.  God had given us the gift of this little boy and he brought great joy into my life as I had never experienced it. I loved him with my whole being and would jump in front of a train to protect him. After a year of forms and appeals, I was able to get on Social Security Disability. It was an answer to prayers and God's way of financial provision. Even though I felt it was a way of giving up and "throwing in the towel," I later realized how much I needed it. It allowed me to focus my energy on being a Mom. It was by far the most challenging, yet rewarding job I had ever had. "God, is this Your purpose in my life?"

I wish I could say ". . . and we live happily ever after. The End." But, unfortunately, bi-polar disorder has no cure. My 13 year struggle with bi-polar disorder, anxiety and seasonal affective disorder has been a cyclical journey of ups and downs.  I have had many periods of joy and success, but the mental illness is still always there lurking in the shadows. At times, the depression has lead me to feel that my daily motherhood and household responsibilities were insurmountable.  I had to accept that my bi-polar symptoms are not shortcomings and are beyond my control. I had to own the responsibility of maintaining my mental health by taking proactive steps and making healthy choices.  I've had to alter my goals. It has been a challenge for me to understand that my illness does not define who I am.

Even in those dark moments, God has always found a way to let me know "I am not finished with you yet." Despite my failure to meet my expectations, I had a new sense of purpose and fulfillment.  At times, I felt that it made me understand the full meaning of true love between God and his son. 

Life was good until I got pregnant again. By then we were planning for it, I thought I had it all figured out.  Again, I had to discontinue my regular medication regimen but this time I was prepared with a list of medications I knew worked that were still approved for pregnancy. However, battling a raging hormonal imbalance on top of being put on bed rest at 18 weeks, I realized I still had no control over my mental illness. I became severely depressed. I was literally fighting an uphill battle to survive.

After the birth of my second son, I was anxious to return on my regular medication.  An unexpected change in health care providers with no advance notice sent me for a loop. I felt like I was balancing on a piece of dental floss. Thus began my mental healthcare nightmare.  I had to scramble in to see anyone who would take me, just to get refills on my prescription.  The only place that would take me at such short notice was a large mental healthcare facility. I had difficulty reaching anyone beyond an answering service and experienced unresponsiveness to my cries for help.

By this time, I was not sleeping and started having mania, something I had not experienced in years.  Lack of sleep is a trigger for instability. I knew I had to find someone to help me soon.  I found a psychiatrist that would take me in right away, but did not accept my insurance. The expense was a sacrifice I felt I had to make. He immediately took me off of one of the medications I had taken for seven years, insisting that it would send me into mania, even though it never had in the past.  As a result, I became severely depressed, had irrational thoughts, severe anxiety and panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and became completely incapacitated. I would look into the eyes of the child that once gave me a sense of purpose and would feel nothing. The smile of my beautiful baby did not even lift my spirits. I was completely numb. I could not function. I felt an extreme sense of guilt for the amount of help I needed to take care of myself and my two children. The new medications began to give me horrible side effects. I lost 25 pounds within a few months and was constantly nauseous. I was always nervous.  I could not handle conflict or stress of any kind. I started getting migraines every week from the tension. At one point, I began to have auditory hallucinations, something I had never experienced.  My condition was worsening. All of this while trying to be a mother to a newborn and a 4 year old. Instead of taking me off of the ineffective medications, the doctor's approach was to add more drugs to try to counteract the side-effects.  I was taking around 11 pills at a time and felt like a complete zombie.  I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't react the way I used to. I had difficulty forming sentences.  I tried to play piano pieces I had been able to play for over 15 years and it was as if I had completely forgotten how to play at all. I realized that if it were not for the support system of my husband and family, I would have certainly killed myself. "God help me," I prayed.  Many of my church friends reached out to me by bringing me meals and sending me letters of encouragement. Despite the hell I was living in and the burden I felt I was, God used those times to show me that He was taking care of my needs and had placed all of these special people in my life for a reason. I was blessed by their willingness to understand and to help. It was during this dark time, that I began to write. It was an outlet of comfort through which I could express my emotions.

God answered my prayer for help through a friend's referral to a new psychiatrist. He immediately put me on my old medications and took the approach that "If it isn't broken, don't try to fix it." Additionally, he used state of the art diagnostic tools. He ordered a DNA test to find out how my body broke down the enzymes and metabolized certain medications.  It indicated that in some drugs, the typical doses were either too strong or not enough. He adjusted them accordingly and I made a complete turn-around.

I know my battle is ongoing and will never completely end. But, I remind myself that through all of these struggles and challenges, God has always been with me. Even when I cannot feel His presence, He is still there, guiding my path, watching over me and providing for my needs.  His purpose for my life isn't defined by a singular event or circumstances, but is constantly changing as I grow from new experiences and struggles. When I come out of dark times, it is easier to remember the pain, my mistakes and failures rather than the recovery. Sometimes it has taken others to show me the light and lead me out of the tunnel of depression. But, all I have to do is open my Bible to remind myself that God loves me and created me just as I am. It is full of countless stories of "epic failures" who, despite their circumstances, God used to  fulfill His purpose. I have learned not to be so hard on myself. I have learned to eliminate stressors and negative people from my life. I have learned that, as difficult as it is, I must make it a priority to take care of myself so that I can take care of my children.  When I drop my baby off at preschool, he sometimes cries. I tell him, "Don't cry. Mommy will be back. Mommy always comes back." My relationship with God has been similar. I cry, wondering if He has left me, if He will rescue me from my times of suffering. But, He always comes to get me in the end, a shining beacon in my darkness.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

— John 1:5 (NIV)

REALLY? smh.

Last night, one of my favorite singers posted on Facebook about something that happened to them. Natalie Grant was scammed over a year ago. A woman evidently called her saying that her daughter was dying from cancer and that she wanted to talk to Natalie. It was all a scam.

The woman evidently did this to many celebrities.

The story can be seen here: http://abcnews.go.com/US/uncovering-dying-daughter-hoax-lured-celebrities/story?id=20793858&singlePage=true

It's a lengthy read but it is worth it.

So why did this woman make up this story?

She evidently suffers from depression and was out for attention and a need for relationships with others.

This cut deep when I read the story. Not only was I angered when I read what she did to these people but it cut deep because I have had people not believe my own life story and tell me I am out for attention. Seriously... I opened up to a few people about what I endured as a child when I was younger and they did not believe me. This made me doubt myself and my memories. I still sometimes have doubts because of the reactions I got. I was actually talking to my therapist the other day about my situation and she said, "I've had people who were abused every day and nobody knew." I have had someone tell me that when I was in and out of hospitals for suicidal ideation as a teenager that I was out for attention. 

And to think that people actually make up stories like this to get attention makes me sick.

But at the same time, I empathize with the woman to a point because she has a mental illness. Mental illness makes you sometimes do things you regret, sometimes makes you do things out of the ordinary. "Crazy." But I still do not think that is an excuse for what she did.

One of the things that the celebrities said in the article that really resonated with me is that they hope this situation does not stop celebrities from reaching out to the suffering. Just because one person made up a story for attention does not mean that everyone does it. There really are suffering people out there who look up to artists and listen to their music for inspiration, me being one of them.

Stories and Voices

"Their struggle to find words is often slow and terrifying. At the same time there seems to be a drive to give witness to the truth, and it has been very clear that giving voice to their stories and the depth of their suffering has been a major vehicle for healing in their lives."
-Diane Langberg, On the Threshold of Hope

Have you ever had a chance to tell your story?

If not, it is one of the most powerful things you can do.

Last Wednesday, I spoke about my testimony to God at my church and how God has worked in the deepest and darkest moments of my life. A few years ago, I spoke at Take Back the Night, a gathering to give voices to those who have been abused. When I was a teenager, I remember the first time I told some of my story at a retreat. Not an eye was dry, tears were flowing. One of the main reasons I blog every day is to give voice to my struggles and to process them in a positive way.

Whatever your story is, whatever struggles you have been through, give voice to them. You have fought through difficulties to get where you are and that is incredible and should be shared.

I want to leave you challenged to share your story, whatever that may be. Because the more we hide our struggles, the more the stigmas proceed and the more our true voices are shut down.

Rescued: My Testimony

Here is my testimony that I gave at worship last night...

Some say that you can see inside someone’s soul when you look into their eyes. I’ve thought about this quote and often wondered if people can see inside my soul. Can they see all of the pain and hurt that I have dealt with throughout my life?

As a child, I was abused by multiple family members. I literally had to fight for my life from the age of 3. When I was a teenager, I was neglected and eventually became homeless, living in numerous homes of friends. I lost my oldest brother, who was a drug addict and dealer, to suicide when I was a senior in high school. I grew up in a family ravaged by drugs and alcohol. I have been hospitalized ten times. Many of you may remember last semester, when I was hospitalized four times. I have most recently been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Where does God come into all of these struggles? Where does He come into all of the pain I’ve endured?

The answer is that God is redeeming me every single day. He is opening my heart up and helping me move forward each and every day. He is healing me in ways I never expected were possible. I would not have the strength to get through each day if it were not for him. God has brought hope into my life when I have felt the most hopeless. Thanks to Him, I graduated at the top of my class in college and am set to graduate with my Masters this December. People have told me that I should not even be able to function, and yet, I am beating the odds and moving towards what God has planned for me.

I want to end with a story of something that happened when I was six years old because I think it illustrates something very powerful that I’ve seen evident in my life, especially this past year.

There had been a car accident up the street from my childhood home. My brothers went up the street to check on what was happening and my mother left me alone in the house. Soon after she left, I saw smoke on the ceiling. My mind and body turned on survival mode and I went to the front door. It was locked and I couldn’t reach the door handle anyway. I went on the deck out back but there were no stairs to go down. I then realized that if I wanted to survive, I had to go into the kitchen, the worst room in the house because my mom had left the stove on. By that time, smoke was all throughout the home, but I went into the kitchen, found a trash can, tipped it over, stood on top of it and called 911.

The firefighters told my mother that if I had called any later, I might have died.

I tell this story because sometimes we have to go through the most difficult storms and fight the hardest fights in order to move forward and to see how deep, how wide , how long, and how high God’s love really is for us. There are no words to describe what it was like to be rescued from that fire by the firefighters. God rescues us as well. God has rescued me from a lot.

 It is through the grace of God that we move forward through our struggles.

Victim or Victor?

Today has been a better day. My depression is finally lifting and I've started to work on my book. Some exciting things are happening in my life which I'm really excited about. Things seemed to turn around this morning.

It's a beautiful day here in Florida...

Even the flowers are out in full bloom...

In preparation for my book, I have been reading through past emails and diary entries. I came across this, which I really wanted to share. I wrote this a few months after my suicide attempt and it really spoke to me just now when I read it. Because we all have issues that we face in our lives, there comes a point in time when we either give in to those challenges or we stay focused on the positive, fighting through each day through the strength of God.


I went through a long period of time where I hated my life and all the crap in it. I mean, really... I thought I was the only one in my high school with real issues like abuse, homelessness, suicide, drugs, alcoholics in the family. I felt like nobody else had it worse off than me. I was angry at God for letting me go through all of this stuff.

But I hit kind of a turning point where I realized that I could either mope around and feel sorry for myself or I could be an example for others who are struggling and give glory to God and praise Him in the storms. I also realized that I was not the only one who has issues. I mean, really, everyone has their own issues. Nobody leads a perfect life... At my college, barely anyone knows about my past or even that I have PTSD, because I don't want peoples' pity...I am not sorry anymore that I went through so many struggles, because God is using me.

I think that's the moment that I became a victor instead of a victim. I mean, to me, someone who is a victor celebrates their life, even the hard times. They know that God is in their lives and no matter how hard life gets, God loves them and will be there for them. I mean, I was a "victim" of abuse, homelessness, losing my brother to suicide, neglect, but look at how these things have shaped me into who I am today. I would not be the strong and empathetic person I am today without those situations. God has a reason for everything and he had a reason for everything and he had a reason for letting those things happen to me. By going through all those struggles, God has given me an opportunity to be an example and a witness to others going through the same struggles... I think the moment we switch from being a victim to being a victor is the moment that we realize that all the struggles in our life can be turned into something beautiful for the glory of God.

No Matter What

I was listening to a Christian radio station this morning and a song that I have heard hundreds of times came on. You know how sometimes you listen to a song so many times that you listen “blindly”? You no longer listen to the lyrics and the song kind of becomes a background noise?

Well, this time I attentively listened to the lyrics and they really spoke to me.

No matter what, I’m gonna love You

No matter what, I’m gonna need You

I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain

But it not, if not, I’ll trust You

-Kerrie Roberts, No Matter What lyrics

I went outside this morning for a walk and it was still raining out and I started thinking more about the storms in our lives.

When storms come our way, we have a tremendous choice that we need to make. 

We can dwell in the pain, dwell in our sadness, disappointment, frustration and anger. Or we can get up and face another day. We can go through the anger and the frustration but we can praise God at the same time, knowing that He has a greater plan for us. The storms in our lives are temporary and with God’s strength, we can get up and go through our storms.

At one of the lowest points in my life, I attempted to take my life. I believed that because of all the struggles I had gone through and was going through at the time, there was no way that I could continue living. I felt like a huge burden to those around me. I thought I would never be able to function in society or make a difference in the world.

I woke up in the hospital with a broken back. Not only did the police say it was a miracle I was still alive, but the doctors who treated me could not believe that I could walk. I remember being fitted for a body brace. A few of my vertebrae in my spine had burst fractures. I remember all I wanted to do was get up and walk around the hospital. I walked two days after entering the hospital and I remember my mother telling me that my uncle heard that I walked and he got on his knees and wept. As I walked around the hospital, one of the nurses said, "Well, look who's up and walking." Nothing could keep me from walking around that hospital, even an IV stuck in my arm. Even though it had been a few days since my attempt, I wanted to get up and face the day.

I was forced to take a 10 month medical leave from school. I went back home with my family and I entered an intensive outpatient program (IOP). I was still wearing my body brace, which I had to wear for 3 months. One of the other patients in the IOP told me that she did not know how I found the strength to wake up every morning and put the back brace and show up at the IOP. To me, there was no choice. I had to get up. I wanted to get better. God had saved my life in a big way and the least I could do was show up for my treatment.

And the minute I got home from my doctor's office at the 3 month followup scan for my back, I took my brace off and went for a run. Earlier this year, I was training for a half marathon and I was running 6 minute miles.

Needless to say, when people say that something is impossible, I want to say "Just let me and God show you how possible it really is."

Sometimes in life we hit rock bottom. Sometimes we do not know what our next move is. But we keep trusting God. We have faith that He will continue to work in our lives. We know He holds our lives in His precious hands and He will always be there for us. We know that with His strength, we can get up and face the day.

God worked in my life in tremendous ways since my attempt and I have come a long way. Every morning when I put on my body brace for those 3 months, I thought of it as putting on the armor of God. The body brace looked like a breastplate. During the time after my attempt, He spoke to me in many ways. He spoke to me in so many ways that often I was overwhelmed. I learned more about who He was and is. I watched sermons. I read books. I fell in love again with God. He not only helped me survive but He has helped me to walk forward after more struggles have come my way since then. No storm is too big for him. No problem I face is too scary for Him.

He can overcome anything and through His strength, I am not overwhelmed by the storms.

No matter what, I will praise Him. No matter what, we get up and face each day.

A Quenching Disappointment

Last October, I got on my knees and prayed that God would humble me. The next day, I suffered a mild head concussion and fought to recover in the hospital over the next 8 days. Ever since that time, I have faced a series of health issues. I struggled with uncontrollable arm spasms and stuttering at various points in the past few months. Going through all of that has been an incredibly humbling experience. People laughed at me, mocked me, doubted me, and ignored me. I had to continually rely on God for strength, comfort and courage.

My pride took a huge hit today, in a major way. I signed a paper that said I will not be reappointed for the PhD position next year and my employment has been terminated. I was unable to meet the requirements due to all of my hospitalizations and the continual obstacles I have faced.

While I am extremely disappointed about this, I am very excited about what God is going to do in my life and what He currently is doing in my life. To be completely honest, I have been questioning how much getting a PhD was my plan or God’s plan. I have been praying to Him to give me the answer to that question and He has answered.

When we face major disappointments in life, we have a choice to either let the disappoint cripple us or get back on our feet. We can either cave into the difficulties or let God use them to help us and mold us. Since I currently have no funds, I went to the Financial Aid office twice today to ask questions and make a plan for me to complete a Masters in Spring 2014. I have a plan to move forward in a very positive way.

I personally cringe when people say “Now you can go into the workforce and get a real job.” I always cringe to think that I will be stuck in a cubicle day after day on a computer, which is what I have been doing since last August. That is not my idea of a purposeful life. While it may be for some people, I feel like God is calling me to do something different.

People often settle for a job because it pays. But to me, money is not the deciding factor. I detest when I have told people I am a PhD student and they say "You're going to make a lot of money." I believe money should not be a factor. As long as I have enough to keep a roof over my head and food in my stomach, I am very happy.

What should matter most in our lives is that we allow God to work in us and through us.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been fascinated with people like Mother Theresa and Princess Diana, who changed the world by simply loving others. In many ways, I have felt called into ministry, but not in the way that most people would think of ministry. I do not feel called to be a pastor. However, I have felt called to minister to people, especially those with disorders and disabilities, through my actions and words. I feel called to spread a message of hope, peace and love. It angers me to no end when everyone focuses on the negative in our world. It frustrates me when people spread a message of hate towards others.

I want to spread the message of the truth, which is that we are all children of God. In being His children, we are all called to love others and we all deserve to be loved, appreciated, and cared for.

Recently, I have had a dream of working for an organization like Engineers Without Borders or Wheels for Humanity. I have also felt called to write a book about my life story and what God has done in my life. I have always prayed for God about when I should write my book and I have decided that I am going to begin to write it in the next few weeks. 

I want to minister to people and help give others hope. Writing on this blog has made me realize that I really do have a message that helps many other people. I want meaning and purpose in my life. I want to change the world in some way for others. I want to spread the message that Jesus is the light in the midst of the darkness of our world.

Even in my discouragement and disappointment, I have an insane excitement for what God is calling me to do and where He will lead me. He is testing my trust in Him, but I cannot wait to see what will happen through me.

Sometimes the difficulties are enormous and it seems like our world is turned upside down, but if we look ahead, we see a bridge to God's greater plan for us. Out of the darkness and chaos, we see the light and the beauty of the road ahead... So we take the first step forward towards the bridge.

Sometimes following God means losing everything that we wanted- our plans. In losing my position as a doctoral student, I feel like the largest part of my plan for my life has been taken away. However, I know that God has something even greater planned.

I often go to my church to play the piano and lately I have been singing the hymn, “Here I Am, Lord.” I wanted to share the chorus, since the words have so much meaning and they have been my prayer for the past few months...

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord? 
I have heard You calling in the night. 
I will go Lord, if You lead me. 
I will hold Your people in my heart.

 -Here I Am lyrics

As anybody who saw me at the beginning of this semester can attest, I was full of pride. I thought I owned the world. Thank God that He has led me through many humbling experiences. The person I was is not who I want to be. Sometimes God leads us into difficult times in order to mold us into who He wants us to be. He has led me through a semester of many humbling obstacles and I have a lot of faith that the humility He has instilled in me will help me in whatever circumstances He leads me into.

As an engineer, I took a course in which we learned about quenching metals. This process involves heating the metal to insanely hot temperatures and then rapidly cooling it. In doing so, it makes the metal very tough and modifies the structure of the metal to increase its usefulness.

I believe in some ways, the obstacles in our lives are like the quenching process. Sometimes God “heats” up our lives by allowing difficulties in our lives. Sometimes we suddenly are thrown into a huge disappointment, in which our plans are uncertain. But in doing so, God molds us to be more tough so that He can use us for His wonderful plans.

Disappointment is ephemeral. Discouragement is temporary. The problem comes when we get stuck in the negative feelings, to the point that we do not pick ourselves up after the battle.

It is in the difficult times when we need to follow God’s lead the most.

No matter where God leads me, I will follow Him…

Will you?

Mounting on Wings Like Eagles: My Testimony

"The journey toward greater things is marked with setbacks and real suffering."

-Steven Furtick, Greater

I want to share my story, the story of how God has continually saved my life and helped me through difficulties and hardships. I hope that through sharing my testimony, others will be blessed. Please feel free to share this testimony.

On April 10, 1989, I was born in a hospital in Newark, NJ. For anybody who knows Newark, it is one of the most dangerous parts of New Jersey.

My earliest memory of being abused was when I was 3 years old. I was abused in every way by my father from when I was 3 to 6 years old. Severe abuse. I am not going to tell the details because only a handful of people know them. Just know that it took a lot of strength to survive all of it and I am lucky to be alive.

My mother and father separated when I was 6 years old. On the morning of the last day they were together, I watched my mother being abused to the point that she was almost murdered in front of me. A few months after they separated, I nearly died in a house fire. Thanks to quick thinking, I called 911 at the exact moment that I needed to. The firemen said that if I had called any later, I probably would have died.

Things did not get any better with my father out of the house, though. I was abused by my oldest brother for a few years. Around that time, he started getting into drugs and eventually started dealing them. I have many memories of my mother fighting with him about the drugs. I remember him stealing things in the house. I also remember him selling his beloved train collection in order to get high on drugs.

My mother and father finally were divorced when I was 13 years old. As far as I know, my father went to prison for what he did to me for a little bit, but then he was released.

Soon after the divorce, we moved into a home down the street. This was when I started to be neglected by my mother. She was never home because she started to date a man, who I later found out was a drug dealer. He even tried to get my other brother to deal drugs. I slowly lost my mother to alcoholism.

I was home alone most of the time. I studied extremely hard in school. Around this time, my relationship with God really grew. I covered the walls of my room with Bible verses. I talked with my pastor a lot. She told me that it was not normal for a 13 year old to be home alone and that I belonged in foster care.

I remember going to a beach home with my mother and her boyfriend. Her alcoholism was so apparent. I remember running up to my room, weeping. My mother came in and I said to her “I want my mother back.”

It was around this time that I ran away to a friend’s home in order to try to get into foster care. I could not deal with the family issues any longer. Those around me considered me an "at-risk" teenager. My other brother had left the home earlier due to his own drug addictions. The last straw was when my mother was arrested for a drunk driving accident.

I wanted to move forward. I lived in various homes during that time- different homes of my friends. My mother and I eventually became evicted and homeless. At that point, I wanted nothing to do with her so I went from home to home, wherever I could stay so that I did not have to live on the streets. At one point, we stayed together for a few weeks in a home near the projects in Newark.

What carried me through this time was my faith in God. I read the Bible all the time, listened to worship songs and tried to go to church when I could. I was confirmed and even gave a children’s sermon on Youth Sunday. I went on various mission trips and volunteered with different charities. Worshiping God took my mind off of everything going on at home.

When I first got into high school, I was in remedial science and English classes. However, through determination and hard work, I ended up taking 5 Advanced Placement courses and 2 advanced courses during my senior year, despite being homeless. This was unheard of at my school and many of my peers thought I was crazy. But school was my escape. It was something I became very good at, especially since I focused most of my energy on my schoolwork in order to escape what was going on personally.

My mother and I eventually were reunited halfway through my senior year of high school as we moved into an apartment. Things were really rocky between us since we had reversed roles. A few months after moving into the apartment, my oldest brother committed suicide. He had been addicted to heroin and crack. He was in and out of jails for most of his life, for various things including dealing drugs. I had forgiven him for what he had done to me, so it was very hard to lose him.

His death made everything very hard for my family, especially my other brother, who was dealing with drug abuse and alcoholism. Around the time of my brother’s death, I was accepted into nine colleges and waitlisted from MIT, Columbia and Johns Hopkins. I graduated at the top of my class in high school. Needless to say, I was excited about the prospect of moving away from my family situation.

College was great for the first two years. I did very well, getting straight A’s in an overload of courses. During the summer after my freshman year, I went to another university to do cancer research. In the next summer, I worked at another university on a project that allowed people with spinal cord injury to move their paralyzed arms. But during that summer, I was harassed by my father through email. Even though my parents had divorced, my father still was in my life.

Things got really hard and during my junior year, I attempted suicide. The doctors and police told me I had come very close to death. I narrowly escaped a spinal cord injury. I was forced to take a medical leave. At first I was very upset and disappointed that I had to take the time away from school, but during my time off, my relationship with God really grew. At this time in my life, I finally obtained a restraining order against my father so I have nothing to do with him anymore. I eventually went back to college, finished up and graduated at the top of my class, despite being hospitalized three times during my senior year for suicidal ideation.

I was offered a PhD position last year, of which I have been in since August. I recently had to stop my research due to various recent hospitalizations that I have had. In the past few months, I have had a lot of diagnoses thrown at me- Aspergers, ADD, PTSD, bipolar, schizoaffective disorder. The doctors do not seem to know, but I think my most recent diagnoses of PTSD and schizoaffective disorder are the most accurate.

While my current diagnoses and their symptoms are difficult to deal with, I know that God will carry me through the difficult times ahead. He already has carried me through so much. I am thriving where I am because of His strength and the gifts He has given me, including my creativity. Three of my professors in the past year told me that three separate theories/ideas of mine could win the Nobel Prize if I can prove them experimentally. Though it has been a hard road for me in many ways, I am very thankful for what God has given me.

In sharing my story, I do not want your pity. I do not want you to say you’re sorry I have gone through so much. I want you to see how God has truly carried me through such difficulties. He truly can carry us through anything. I know the difficulties are not ending, but I have a lot of faith and excitement for the future. When my life seems confusing, I always go to God's Word, because it is in the Bible that we find the truth of who we are in God.

I want those who read this blog to know that the words I speak about God are genuine and real. I do not try to sell anything. My faith is real and very important to me and I want to share it with others. I want to share what I learn about God with others. God truly can take our misery and make something beautiful with it and I hope my life testimony is a testament to God's grace and mercy.

Every day is still a struggle but I am still here fighting because God never abandoned me. He never stopped loving me. He never stopped strengthening me. He never stopped molding me into who He wants me to be. He was always there for me, especially in the times when I had no one else. Even in the times when I felt He was silent and absent.

And He does the same for you, no matter what you're going through or have gone through...

But they that wait upon the Lord 

shall renew their strength; 

they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 

they shall run, and not be weary; 

and they shall walk, and not faint.

-Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)