Need to Break Out

I was looking over some of the quotes I wrote in my notebook/journal from books I've read lately and I came across this quote...

"In my own personal journey, God showed me that I'd never break the pit cycle if I didn't name every contribution I made to it and let Him deal with my self-destructive tendencies."
-Beth Moore, Get Out of That Pit

As I read this quote this morning, I thought "How true is that?" Lately, I've been trying to climb out of the pit that I'm trapped in in order to move forward. Is it me that's holding me back? Is there some part of me that doesn't want to stop thinking about the past? Do I want to be stuck in the pit?

I think the answer to the last question is a resounding no. But the other questions are still up in the air.

I don't know if it's so much that I want to be stuck in the pit but that the pit actually feels comfortable after awhile. Things have gone wrong for most of my life so I think a part of me has gotten used to things going wrong. I think that's where my tendency to catastrophize comes in. Point blank, I'm not used to things going well. I've tended to get used to being stuck in the past. I'm used to having flashbacks all the time.

Most recently, I've been trying to break out of the past. This entails not ruminating about it. It entails getting out of the past, mentally and spiritually. I've noticed that I've even had less flashbacks!

Moving forward is quite possibly one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it is also one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. It takes a lot of courage and strength, but in turn I receive the gift of freedom, something more beautiful than I can simply put into words in a blog post.

The Trust Battle

Trust.

I am currently dealing with issues with trust. I have dealt with these issues for the majority of my life. When I was abused by my father and oldest brother, my trust was betrayed. When I was neglected by my mother, my trust was betrayed. I've had issues with trusting that others really care about me or that they'll be there for me when I need them to be. For so many years, people I loved and cared for weren't there for me when I needed them.

It makes a lot of sense that I am dealing with trust to this day.

Currently, I am dealing with what a friend of mine calls "personalization." It is a part of paranoia that you see things that others are doing and you point it all back on yourself. You morph it into everybody being after you. It's like if someone gives me a certain stare, I think I did something wrong. It's gotten to the point that I think others are speaking bad about me. And it's not that fun.

I don't know if raising my medication will help it. I think it's something I need to work on through my therapy. It's remnants from my paranoia and psychosis. As someone said, medication can only go so far and the rest is up to hard work. I am currently in trauma therapy, dealing with things like flashbacks and the paranoia. My traumatic experience is mixed in with the paranoia and lately I think that people are after me to kill me or to abuse me. I've thought that my father has turned everybody against me. For years as a child my father threatened to kill me. He even tried to kill me a few times.

Point blank, it's not a great way to live.

But today, I started to do something different. I started to say "Hi, how are you?" and "Have a good day" to all of the people I think are after me. And it's actually alleviating my paranoia. Nobody told me to do this, but I thought that talking back to the paranoia would help.

Life can get difficult but through God's strength, we can overcome anything.

"Jesus came to save the lost. His blood-stained hands, feet, and side are proof of the death-defying power of his love for us. There is no place his love cannot reach."
-Jan Kern, Scars that Wound, Scars that Heal

I wanted to end on this quote, because this life can be scary. This life can be downright terrifying at times. I've been through my fair share of frightening circumstances and I may always have some trouble trusting others due to how I was raised and all that I've had to overcome. But that does not mean I have to live terrified or frightened. I may have flashbacks and nightmares of the abuse for the rest of my life, but that does not mean that they have to overwhelm my life.

I can move forward, knowing that Jesus has my back and He will guide me and help me through everything. Nothing that I have gone through or will go through is too big for Him.

I wanted to share a song that has helped me tremendously. I actually met Kirk Franklin during college and told him how much this song meant to me. I had a chance to talk for about 10 minutes to him about how much it helped me through my healing. The song is Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin. It's about letting go of the pain that others caused and moving forward into the hope of God.

The Steering Wheel

I spent most of yesterday at a friend’s home. Last night, we watched a movie, Safe Haven, in which a woman is being followed by her husband who is after her. He wants to kill her and he has a history of being extremely abusive.

There were some scenes in the movie that were difficult to watch, but there is one scene in particular that was very empowering and made it worth watching a difficult movie. Since I had read the book by Nicholas Sparks, I knew the ending already, which helped significantly.

Without giving too much away, there was a scene in the movie in which the woman stands up to her abusive husband. She basically says “Enough is enough” and stands her ground.  She stands up for herself and stops running from him. She stops running from her greatest fear. I think one of the most significant things she says to him was “You hurt me.” Simple yet profound . She calls out the abuse for what it is. She is no longer controlled by him. She sees him for what he truly is and she’s angry.

The reason I love this scene is because that’s where I think I am in my own life. I’m standing up for myself after years of abuse. I’m saying enough is enough and I’m angry. I’m gaining back my voice after years of not being heard. I’m taking back the control.

I wanted to yell at the TV, “You go girl!” I wanted to fight alongside her. In her husband, I saw all the people who have hurt me and abused me.  I saw all the fears and everything I’ve been running from. I saw myself fighting and taking back control.

It is incredibly empowering when you call abuse for what it is. Growing up in it, I thought it was normal but around age 13, I realized it wasn’t normal. It’s taken a very long time to work on recovering from it. I’m still in the process. I currently am going through trauma therapy and it’s not easy. I am learning to call it what it is. I am learning how to be heard and how to fight for my life again. It’s a huge piece in taking back control of my life.

Taking back control is sometimes a huge leap forward in recovering. It’s about getting rid of the victim mentality and realizing that even though we can’t control the past or change it, we can move forward in a positive direction.

As I was writing this, I was reminded of one of my favorite songs, You Gotta Be by Des'ree. I listened this for many years and it gave me a lot of strength to get through some really difficult stuff.

The chorus is as follows:

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser

You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger

You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together

All I know, all I know

Love will save the day.