Flower in the Mud

When I was growing up, someone close to me referred to me as a "flower in the mud."

What does it mean to be a "flower in the mud?"
I think it means that we find our beauty despite the tragedies around us. We grow and thrive despite setbacks and failures. We know who we are and we are confident. We may bend in the wind and the challenges that surround us, but we never break or fall completely over. We stand our ground.

As I heal from many years of abuse and neglect and as I move forward despite multiple mental illnesses, it's important to remember the beauty in the fight. To fight through and rise above what God has brought into my life is a tremendous feat but there is a lot of beauty in the struggle.

I have taken quite a few photos of flowers around town and I want to share them. Flowers are quite remarkable- how something so beautiful can grow even in the mud. It is awesome how different they are.

Embrace the beauty in the simple... Embrace the different... Embrace the struggle.

The Steering Wheel

I spent most of yesterday at a friend’s home. Last night, we watched a movie, Safe Haven, in which a woman is being followed by her husband who is after her. He wants to kill her and he has a history of being extremely abusive.

There were some scenes in the movie that were difficult to watch, but there is one scene in particular that was very empowering and made it worth watching a difficult movie. Since I had read the book by Nicholas Sparks, I knew the ending already, which helped significantly.

Without giving too much away, there was a scene in the movie in which the woman stands up to her abusive husband. She basically says “Enough is enough” and stands her ground.  She stands up for herself and stops running from him. She stops running from her greatest fear. I think one of the most significant things she says to him was “You hurt me.” Simple yet profound . She calls out the abuse for what it is. She is no longer controlled by him. She sees him for what he truly is and she’s angry.

The reason I love this scene is because that’s where I think I am in my own life. I’m standing up for myself after years of abuse. I’m saying enough is enough and I’m angry. I’m gaining back my voice after years of not being heard. I’m taking back the control.

I wanted to yell at the TV, “You go girl!” I wanted to fight alongside her. In her husband, I saw all the people who have hurt me and abused me.  I saw all the fears and everything I’ve been running from. I saw myself fighting and taking back control.

It is incredibly empowering when you call abuse for what it is. Growing up in it, I thought it was normal but around age 13, I realized it wasn’t normal. It’s taken a very long time to work on recovering from it. I’m still in the process. I currently am going through trauma therapy and it’s not easy. I am learning to call it what it is. I am learning how to be heard and how to fight for my life again. It’s a huge piece in taking back control of my life.

Taking back control is sometimes a huge leap forward in recovering. It’s about getting rid of the victim mentality and realizing that even though we can’t control the past or change it, we can move forward in a positive direction.

As I was writing this, I was reminded of one of my favorite songs, You Gotta Be by Des'ree. I listened this for many years and it gave me a lot of strength to get through some really difficult stuff.

The chorus is as follows:

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser

You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger

You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together

All I know, all I know

Love will save the day.