Be Free

“Healing is nearly completed when a victim can reclaim her courage and realign her choices with the dreams and values she has always cherished. We can recover from fear when we are able to remember who we are and always have been, and put that knowledge into action.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

This morning, as I finished The Paranoia Switch, I feel as if I am reclaiming my courage and healing in tremendous ways. I’ve had a few breakthroughs in my healing process in the past few weeks and I am really excited about the prospect of moving forward and doing what God has called me to do, the dreams which I believe He has put into my heart.

This summer has definitely been a healing one.

One of my greatest dreams is to help others through biomedical engineering. I want to make the lives of those with physical disabilities easier and more manageable. I am extremely excited about my last semester of the Master’s program. I believe that with my degree, I will have a great chance to help many. 

I'm at the point where I feel like nothing can stop me from achieving my dreams.

The quote above struck me because it is so concise and simple, yet so profound. I love the second sentence, in which Stout says that “we can recover from our fear when we are able remember who we are.”

Who are you?

I can honestly say that I know inside and out that I am a beautiful child of God.

That has not always been easy to say and recognize.

But I’m healing and I'm starting to really believe it.

I deal with multiple mental illnesses, which constantly affect me in ways that make me more fearful. Not only do I struggle with PTSD, an anxiety disorder, but I also have schizoaffective disorder, through which I suffer from paranoia and psychosis.

And that’s where trusting in God comes into my life.

No matter what comes my way, God is for me and not against me. I could be having the worst day imaginable, but God goes with me and is there for me every step of the way.

And He does the same for you.

“Freedom is frightening, and hard. It requires us to be brave and to remain in charge of our own minds.”

-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

How true is that?

Freedom can be frightening and very hard. It's like diving into the unknown, diving into something different than you've ever experienced before. To be free in Christ is an adventure.

Part of it is about taking back control. It's about recognizing who we are in God- how precious we are to Him.

And that's the process I'm going through at this moment.

I want to leave you with a quote from the new book I'm reading.

"Imagine a life where we could... let the world see us for who we really are- vulnerable, valuable, hurting, hoping, dreaming, believing, wondering, wandering people who just want to be known and loved and accepted "as is"... both by God and by others."
-Steven James, Becoming Real

Let us all believe that we are to be loved, as we are.

The Freeing Grace

“One of the tragedies of our life is that we keep forgetting who we are and waste a lot of time and energy to prove what doesn’t need to be proved.”

-Henri Nouwen

“Owning our own faults, blind spots and failures in the presence of a God who already knows us can be a freeing thing. God doesn’t love us more when we are right than when we are wrong.”

-Adele Ahlberg Calhoun, Invitations from God

I love being right. When I enter into arguments or debates with others, I often think that I have all of the facts, that I know every detail there is to know on the topic. But the more and more I heal, the less and less I need to be right all of the time. The more humble I become. I'm not perfect in any way, shape or form and I still often make mistakes of being too prideful. Just this morning at church, I told a few people that I was happy that I passed my classes this semester despite missing nearly 5 weeks of classes.

But the more I heal, the more I know the truth in what Adele Ahlberg Calhoun says.

How freeing is it to know that God’s love does not depend on us being right or perfect?

To me, it is truly one of the most freeing realizations and discoveries I have had lately. It honestly takes a whole lot off of my shoulders. I've heard it before, but it never spoke to me in a way as it has recently. I often feel like I have to prove that I can be all, do all and overcome everything in order to be cared about.

You see, my need to be right is part of something much deeper hidden inside my past. I was often physically abused as a child by my father and when I told him to stop, he laughed and he teased me. He never listened to my pleas for him to stop, even when I cried. He just laughed and called me “stupid” and other names hundreds of times. He physically hurt me even when I saw him in supervised visits. In doing so, I was taught that I was worthless and not worthy of love.

When I was neglected as a teenager, I was taught that I meant nothing and I was not important. I was taught that I basically was a nobody and didn't deserve to be treated right or cared for.

As I grew up in a family torn apart and ravaged by drug and alcohol abuse, I was told by many outsiders that I would become just like everyone else in my family. Some people didn’t think I’d amount to much or that I wouldn’t make it out of my situation to break the cycle.

All of my life, I have always felt like I had to prove others wrong- that I was capable, that I was worthy of love, that I did deserve to be cared for. All of those years, I hid within myself the hidden feelings of unworthiness.

Now that I am in the healing stages of my life, I have come to realize that God loves me no matter what. No matter what has happened in the past. No matter what is happening now. No matter what will happen in the future. Nothing I can do or say makes me any more worthy of His love. I do not have to prove to anybody anything because God loves me for who I am. Already.

I am slowly coming to the realization that I have nothing to prove because God loves me just for who I am, not my grades, not how many people I help or how much I overcome. I am free to be who I am. This is not an easy realization for me to come to because I have built my life upon proving to others that I am capable, that I am not stupid and that I deserve to be listened to, not tormented and abused. I built my life upon proving others wrong because of the deep emotions I dealt with my entire life. That little hurting child within me is rejoicing as I move forward into more healing because I realize that I am enough.

I AM ENOUGH JUST THE WAY I AM!!!!!!!!!

Wow, that is so amazing to say!

And I say to you who read my blog that you are enough just the way you are. I am honestly humbled that there are people reading my blog and coming with me through this healing journey.

I want to leave you with a beautiful song that I heard on the radio last night. I’ve heard this song before but God brought my attention to the words and I started crying as I listened. It is a song about how much we truly need the grace that Jesus offers us- the grace to be free and to be who we are, the grace to know that we are loved no matter what.

Always Keep Ya Head Up

As I sat in my chair at church this morning, I listened to my pastor ask important questions that made me think. The sermon was about how God creates new things; not only by creating new things, but also by renewing old things. I feel deeply that in the past few months, God has renewed me in a mighty way. He has helped me to understand who I am on a deeper level.

 “In love I am blessed, chosen, adopted, favored, redeemed and forgiven.”

-Beth Moore, Believing God

To me, these are not just cute or nice little words on a page of a book I’m currently reading. They are real in my life and they are becoming more real each and every day as I draw closer to God. The truth in those words is being revealed every second.

They are true for you as well.

I have often struggled with a kind of dichotomous view of myself. On one hand, I am a very successful person who has overcome tremendous odds to get to where I am. I believe I am strong and brave. But on the other hand, I feel intensely ashamed, alone, and frightened, as I relive past traumatic experiences on a daily basis through flashbacks due to PTSD.

Having PTSD is like a roller coaster ride. One minute, I'm with friends, happily talking and then the next minute, I'm back there, fighting for my life, holding back the tears. Needless, to say, it has taken a lot of strength and courage to get to where I am. Lately, I have been reminding myself after flashbacks that I am strong and brave.

No matter what others say to you, no matter what others do to you, you and I are still God’s children and we are part of a greater family. We should never forget who we are in Him; that we are His beautiful children.

No matter what happens in this life, we never lose our worth in God’s eyes.

Even if you’ve been abused for years.

Even if you’ve been neglected for years.

Even if you’ve been homeless.

Even if you’ve lost people close to you.

Even if you’ve had people call you stupid.

Even if you’ve had people tease you.

Even if you’ve had people tell you that you’re not going to get anywhere in life.

All of those things have happened to me. I can honestly say that I have struggled to find my identity in Christ, especially when I think about what others have done and said to me. But each day, I am getting closer to the truth of who I am in Christ. I am not a victim in His eyes. I am a survivor because He carried me through everything. I have nothing to be ashamed of because He has forgiven me. He is the reason I am still here and He gives me the courage to move forward.

He wants to restore us. He wants to forgive us. He wants to help us move forward.

I want to leave you with a song that has given me a lot of strength since the first time I heard it. I can relate to this song on so many levels. It talks about the fact that sometimes our family hurts us or is not there for us and it takes many people to raise a child. As a teenager, trying to get into foster care, I often wondered what family was. I struggled to understand who I was through all the turmoil in my family. I had never known what it is like to have a family that was not in turmoil. I was told by a few people that I had to make my own family with those around me, since my real family was not there for me. Everywhere that I have moved, I continue to make a family with those around me. And along the journey, I try to continually figure out who I am within the family of God and who I am in Christ.

But one thing is for sure...

I am one of God's children.