The Indestructible Hope

I was thinking about what I was going to blog about today, and the word “hope” kept running through my mind.

To me, hope is critical to life, especially a life that has meaning and purpose. Having been through so many difficulties in my life, I know I would be long gone if it were not for the hope God has instilled in me through my obstacles.

Hope is finding joy, truth and meaning in the obstacles of life. Hope is finding the light in the darkness in this world and in our individual lives. Hope is holding on to the promises of God, even when everything around us looks dim. It is that part of our soul that yearns for more of God, for more meaning. It is the part within us that cries out for God in desperation, holding on to His outstretched arms, waiting for answers to our prayers.

Growing up, my hope was that God would reveal Himself to me and help me to rise above my family situation. I prayed thousands of prayers asking Him to help me and guide me through the difficult times. I said thousands of prayers asking for God to help my family members.

My oldest brother, Michael, and I were close as children. He loved to take care of me as a baby.

We played countless hours of video games. My brothers absolutely loved to watch the Simpsons, especially during dinner time, which my mother did not really like or agree with. But my brothers watched it anyway.

I grew up with an acre of woods behind my home and we lived on a mountain, so our backyard was very steep. When it snowed, my brothers and I loved to sled down the mountain. We also used to swing on vines from the trees, twenty feet or so off the ground.

Mike especially loved to pull pranks on my other brother and I. When the Y2K bug was happening during the switch to the next millennium, my family gathered in front of the TV to watch the ball drop in New York City on New Years Eve. Mike slipped out of the room right before the countdown to supposedly go to the bathroom. We started to  count down and when it got to 1, all of the power in our home went out. My mother, other brother and I were very nervous and started to panic. Maybe the Y2K bug was real! Maybe the world really is ending!, we thought. Mike then turned all the power back  on, coming up from the basement with a huge smile on his face, laughing.

Mike loved trains. He worked at a train store. He built a whole village in our basement, with a train set that went through the village. During Christmas time, Mike used to set up a train set to go around the bottom of the tree. Countless hours were spent watching Santa go by in the train, around and around the bottom of the tree.

But...

The trains began to disappear. 

Mike started to forge checks and steal money. 

He got in trouble at his work. 

He eventually dropped out of high school. 

The brother I once knew left home. 

Numerous arguments between my mother and him occurred. 

Walls in the house were punched. 

Threats of breaking windows were made.

He was placed in an adult school at another high school at night. My mother and I went to drop him off in the dark of night. 

Then came the day when we found out that he skipped that school in order to hang out with friends.

Mike got involved with drugs big time. He started dealing. Every so often, my mother told me he was in this jail, that jail, this prison, that prison. The jail visits became so numerous that I lost count.

I felt like I lost Mike long before he committed suicide in 2007. The laughing, fun, exciting brother that I knew from my childhood became someone who was dealing drugs, who threatened people, stole from people. Marijuana, crack, heroin, ecstacy and countless other names of drugs became common terms in my home.

For years, I hoped, along with my mother, that Mike would quit doing and dealing drugs. We hoped against all hope that he would turn around. Many countless prayers were said, asking God to help him stop.

But Mike is gone.

Does that mean that God did not answer my prayers, that my hopes were not fulfilled?

Not necessarily.

I miss Mike all the time. Even though he abused me at various points while growing up, it was not entirely his fault. I understood that and I have forgiven him.

Because Mike died, a lot of my external family, which had argued and avoided each other until 2007, came together to mourn Mike’s death. Out of his death, my family united in an amazing way.

Since then, my mother and other brother have overcome their addictions as well. Mike’s death has made us all stronger than we were before. His death helped me to make a choice not to do drugs, deal drugs or drink alcohol. After his death, I gave speeches to students in different classes about not doing drugs. His death gave me the motivation I needed to get through college, something that I always hoped that I would do.

The point that I am trying to make is that sometimes we hope in things, but God may answer our hopes and our prayers differently than we expected. But we still need to have hope. We still need to try to make our dreams and our hopes become reality. Some hope for complete healing and they may not be completely healed. That does not mean that God is not working in their life in some way. It does not mean that God is ignoring us at all. It means that it may not be the right time.

Hope is that part of us that looks to the bright future which God has planned for us. Everything we hope for may not happen in this lifetime, but we are promised great things in our eternal life. That's why we strive to be as hopeful as we can be in this life. That's why we are motivated to make our dreams come true and give meaning to our lives. 

To me, there is no other choice than to be hopeful, especially in this world so full of confusion and darkness. We must not allow seemingly unanswered prayers stop us from hoping in great things.

"Hope deferred maketh the heart sick"

-Proverbs 13:12a (KJV)

Fear into Hope, Darkness into Light

Fear.

Though it's a four-letter word, it carries with it a ton of meaning. This past week, our nation has been shocked by events that have caused fear to run through our veins, the very essence of who we are as a society and a nation.

Some fear is healthy and necessary. Lately, due to my numerous hospitalizations, I was fearful of losing my position at work due to my absence and my inability to complete all the work. That fear was healthy, in the fact that it allowed me to be prepared when I ended up losing my position this past week. Because I had mentally prepared for the loss of my job, I was better able to handle the loss emotionally.

However, the fear that has been instilled in so many of our lives after the attacks this week is, I believe, unhealthy. I believe that we should not have to live in a world in which we are afraid to go to the movies, go to school, or even run a marathon.

How do we pick ourselves up from these attacks which instill so much fear in us? How do we move forward to become a more peaceful nation and world?

I believe that it begins with each one of us.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; 

but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

-2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)

I believe that in order to move forward, we need to remember who our Creator is and though these attacks are becoming more frequent, we serve a God who is in control. He is more powerful than we can imagine. We can trust in Him through any attacks, whether on a personal or national level. I do not have the answers to why God would allow these attacks to happen, but what I do know is that God hurts with us, He was and is not absent, that He wants us to heal and is there for us as we heal.

Personally, I have put a lot of trust in God these past few days, having lost my job. I fully trust that He will lead me to where I need to go and what I need to do. I believe that this is not only applicable to my own life, but to all of our lives and our nation as a whole. No matter what, we need to trust God.

As someone who lives with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), an anxiety disorder, I often live in panic. I have a lot of fear not only during my nightmares and flashbacks, but also of when I will have the next one. On top of that, I have been having psychotic episodes due to schizoaffective disorder. At the onset of the psychotic episodes, I become very paranoid. I live in a state of fear that everyone is talking about me and conspiring to get rid of me.

Living in a state of fear all the time is not how God intends us to live. Just like it would be insane and unhealthy for Boston to have a complete shutdown all the time, it is unhealthy for us to be in such a state of fear that we emotionally and mentally have a complete shutdown.

That's just not how we are meant to live.

I believe that the peace in our world begins with each one of us. It involves praying for those who are in the affected areas of all the disasters and attacks. It involves donating blood or signing up to be an organ donor. It involves showing others the love of God and that the God we serve is not part of these attacks or disasters. It involves moving forward from these attacks in such a way that the fear doesn't rule our lives or our nation. We cannot give fear control.

We serve a God who heals. We serve a God who protects. We serve a God who picks us up. We serve a God who loves us unconditionally. We serve a God who is there each step of the way during recovery. We serve a God who is not just a God in the sky but One who is with us and within us.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear."

-1 John 4:18a (NIV)

My prayer is that through each of us, God's love and light shines brightly to those around us. Whether or not you are in Boston, you can make a difference in the world.

In every interaction we have an opportunity to either make someone's day brighter or make it worse. Just this morning, I had an opportunity to make someone's day. I was waiting for the bus and there was a blind man beside me. A few buses came by and I told him which bus number it was after he told me which one he needed to take. When the correct bus came, I told him it was the one and he thanked me. This interaction took a matter of ten minutes, but I was able to help him and show that I cared. I tell this story not to say how great I am, but to show that we cannot just rely on the lawmakers to make our world more peaceful; we need to work together, with each of us playing a role.

How can each of us help each other through this darkness, fear and confusion?

Each of us needs to make the most of every opportunity and interaction to make a difference in this world.

More laws may help us but a more peaceful world honestly and truthfully begins with each one of us. Through us, the light and love of God can shine to make this world more peaceful and hopeful.

The Incomprehensible Truth

The past few days have been very difficult, to be truly honest. I have had some hypervigilance and some points in my days in which I just completely started sobbing. Yesterday, before I went to the Good Friday service at my church, I spent half an hour in the shower weeping. As I weep, I feel a release of all of the burdens I have carried ever since I was a little child.

The mind and the brain are very interesting. Lately, I have felt that some people question my memories of growing up because of the fact that I had a psychotic breakdown a few weeks ago that led to my ninth hospitalization. But my memories are what led to that psychosis. Right before my hospitalization, I had flooding memories. Memories of nearly every part of my life, whether good or bad, just came into my mind and I could not stop it. The flooding was just uncontrollable. It was almost as if the neural networks in my brain were on overdrive.

As the memories came, I tried to piece them together, trying to make sense of them. Not all of them were new memories. As I tried to make sense of the memories, that was when the psychosis began.

When I was in the hospital, I thought that all of the other patients were people from all throughout my life. They even took on the voices of different people who have been in my life, people who I have not even talked to since I was a little child. Their voices were clear as day.

As I started to take the medications, the voices of the people throughout my life started to fade. The other patients and the doctors around me took on their normal voices and I “woke up.” I realized that they were not people from throughout my life. But the memories were still there and still are.

The reason I wanted to share this is because sometimes we want to know “why.” We want God to explain Himself, why He allowed very difficult things in our lives. If you watch the mass media after any disaster, they immediately try to figure out what happened and "why." As humans, I think that we always want answers, especially since so much information is available in our society. 

As my memories started flooding, I immediately wanted to explain everything. I wanted answers. I wanted the truth from lies that I have been told throughout my life. I wanted to know how all of those things could have happened to me for so long. I wanted to know why I felt like people were questioning the validity of my memories, which I have had my entire life.

But the more I asked those questions, the more I searched for the answers to “why,” the more psychotic I became. The more hypervigilant I was. The more other people questioned the validity of what my mind had pieced together with all of the memories.

Currently, I am still having a lot of memories. The other morning, I saw a picture from when I was in elementary school and the memories began flooding again. I still want the answers of “why.” Why was my family the way it was? How could all of that stuff happen to me? Where was God? Why did He not stop it? 

I still want to search for the truth. I still want justice to be served for the people who made my childhood and my life in general miserable at times. I want to know the truth, because I have been told many lies throughout my life, especially the last few years.

I read something very powerful the other day. Jesus even felt alone. He even felt what it was like to ask God where He was? Why did He not save Jesus on the cross?

"About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lemasabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”)" -Matthew 27:46 (NIV)

I think that even Jesus felt frustrated at God. At the darkest time in Jesus's life, God did not show up and take His son off the cross. He allowed His son to go through a miserable death on the cross.

The more I think about everything, the more I am coming to realize that the truth is something that I may never know. Never see. Never understand. Never fully comprehend. I do not know if I will ever know or be able to understand and explain everything that I have been through.

Because sometimes evil is incomprehensible.

The most important truth is that I am God’s child, as we all are. The truth is that we are unconditionally loved by our Creator, even when we do not trust others on this earth to love us. When God says that He loves us, He truly means it. He means it in a way that I do not think anybody could mean when they say “I love you.”

When God says that he loves me, it is usually through nature. Every time I see a sunrise or a sunset, I hear Him say “I love you.” I do not actually hear a voice, but He speaks through the beauty of the clouds. He speaks through the beauty of a butterfly flying around me. He speaks through the beauty of a white bird coming to sit by me at the lake. That is how He chooses to comfort me throughout this difficult time.

Through nature, He says to me “I am with you through this storm. I will get you through this. Keep trusting me.”

I wanted to leave this post with a song that really has helped me in many ways, especially through this time of grieving my childhood and realizing some things about my past which I have either denied or kept in for most of my life.

At the most difficult times in our lives, I believe that we truly are called to “Cry Out to Jesus.” When others do not have the words to say to us in order to comfort us, He always has the words to comfort. He is the ultimate Comforter. The ultimate Healer. The ultimate Transformer.

The Long Journey

“If we will not wait, we will not receive the many blessings the Lord intends for us. The Lord is not a God of quick fixes and fifteen-minute spiritual tune-ups, but a God of long-term, and indeed eternal promises.” 

- Thomas D. Williams, Can God Be Trusted?

I have had many points in my life in which I was frustrated about how long it seemed that God was taking to answer my prayers.

Growing up, I was and still am the only person in my family who has not dealt with drug or alcohol addiction. As I watched drugs and alcohol tear my family apart, I spent countless hours praying and reading Scripture. I cannot even begin to tell you how many prayers I said for each of my family members.

Recently, my family has begun to come together and overcome the addictions. As frustrating as it was to pray for many years, it is very encouraging how far my family members have come.

However, my oldest brother committed suicide in 2007. After years of dealing drugs, spending many hours in various prisons across the East Coast and with the FBI after him at one point, he gave up the fight.

So did God not answer my prayers?

I believe He answered my prayers in an unexpected way. God used his death to do something wonderful…

His death brought my family together. Not just my immediate family, but my external family on my mother’s side, who had not talked to each other in many years.

God truly can take the worst situations and make something great out of them. Often, though, this is a very long process. I spent most of my life praying for my family and just in recent years, I have seen my prayers being answered.

I have been hospitalized nine times in the past seven years. In that same time, my doctors gave me 14 different medications. During my most recent hospitalizations, I had almost given up hope on my doctors ever finding the right medication.

But once again, God answered my prayers, even though it took seven years. The medication I am currently on has had very positive effects on me. I sleep better.  I think more clearly. I eat better. I am able to control my emotions easier. I am able to concentrate.

As frustrating as it is to wait for God to answer our prayers, when the victory comes, it is felt even stronger. The darker the pit, the more glorious the light of God looks. The more time we spend in despair, the more our hearts are full of joy when God's love shines through.

One of my favorite movies of all time is Facing the Giants. In this movie, a football coach faces various obstacles but he finds faith in God throughout the movie. At the end of the movie, one of his biggest prayers is answered. In a few words, he summarizes what it is like when God answers our prayers, no matter how long we have to wait: God, I’m overwhelmed.

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Psalm 40:1-3

“I waited patiently for the Lord; 

and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. 

He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, 

out of the miry clay, 

and set my feet upon a rock, 

and established my goings. 

And he hath put a new song in my mouth, 

even praise unto our God: 

many shall see it, and fear, 

and shall trust in the Lord.” 

–Psalm 40:1-3 (KJV)

I promise that if you wait for God to answer your prayers, knowing that He never gives up on you or abandons you, He will surprise you. He not only answers prayers but sometimes He answers prayers in a completely different way than you expected… most often much better than you expect.

Will you wait for His answers? What will you do as you wait?

Serenity Within the Battle

“Trust in God allows us to accept the many ups and downs in life with the assurance that he has a bigger plan, and that he knows what he is doing.”

- Thomas D. Williams, Can God Be Trusted?

There are so many things in this life that are so tough to accept.

My maternal grandfather took his life when I was just seven years old. If you read my diaries from when I was a little child, I admired him so much. Needless to say, I was very upset when I learned of his death. My early diary entries were all questions about what heaven was, where grandpa was, when I would see him again, if he was with God...

As a little child, it was so difficult for me to accept that my grandfather was gone.

My grandfather's favorite prayer to say was a well-known prayer, The Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
-Reinhold Niebuhr

There are so many things in this life that we wish never happened or that we could change. But our past is out of our control. It is done with. Over. We cannot change anything that has happened in our past. Often, I want to change what happened in my childhood. I have a lot of quotes on my wall and one of my favorite ones says "It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else." It is a reminder that I can only control what happens now and I do not have to let the regrets of the past rule over my life.

Staying in the present is really difficult for me as I deal with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). In a matter of seconds, at random points of each day, I am back in various traumatic experiences I endured as I grew up. All of my senses tell my brain that I am back there. My muscles tense up. I do not hear anything around me, except what happened in the past. The fear and terror invade my mind. I am no longer 23 years old. I am back there, fighting for my life.

Whether or not you struggle with PTSD, I think that every human being deals with the constant battle of either going back to the past or worrying about the future. We spend a lot of time regretting past mistakes or worrying about how we are going to pay the bills.

But God wants us to be in the present, to feel His presence in any circumstance and to move forward with our full trust in Him. No matter what circumstances we are in, no matter how challenging the mountains in front of us seem, He is with us.

I do not know about you, but I find that very exciting. It is comforting to know that no matter how lonely I feel, I truly am never alone.

“Be still, and know that I am God.” –Psalm 46:10a (KJV)

How many times do we truly stop and just take in the awesomeness, goodness and grace of God?

I was very frustrated with some stuff this past week. My frustration led my stress and anxiety to get very high at various points this past week. But I realized that instead of worrying, I could control my reactions in a healthy way and move forward. I stopped, realized how high my anxiety was and I prayed about the entire situation. I read Scripture. I stopped what I was doing and listened to God clearly. I can say that God answered my prayers in amazing ways. Not necessarily how I expected... Actually better than I expected.

I know personally that the more time we stop our busy lives to be still in God’s presence, the less time we spend on our regrets or those things in our past, the less time we spend worrying about the future and the more we accept where we are in this life and that God goes with us.

Many people know that I fell about 40 feet off a four story building a few years ago. Not only did the police officers tell my family that a tree saved my life by breaking my fall, but the doctors told my mother that they were very nervous about my spine due to various burst fractures in my vertebrae. For three months after the fall, I had to wear a body brace. My mother told me that if I did not wear it, my body would literally fall apart. My vertebrae were shattered. 

Every morning for those three months, I woke up and put the body brace on. My body brace felt like a breastplate so each morning as I put on the brace, I prayed that God would help me put on the armor of God.

"Wherefore take up the whole armor of God, 

that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, 

and, having done all, to stand.

Stand therefore, having girded your loins with truth, 

and having put on the breastplate of righteousness,

and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

withal taking up the shield of faith, 

wherewith ye shall be able to quench 

all the fiery darts of the evil one.

And take the helmet of salvation, 

and the sword of the Spirit, 

which is the word of God."

-Ephesians 6:13-17 (ASV)

With the armor of God and with God all around us and within us through the Holy Spirit, we can get through any storm that comes our way.

This life gets very difficult and many times, we do not know how we will get through the day. Trust me, I know…

But God promises us that He will never leave us nor forsake us. He goes with us, so we do not have to be afraid of our future. We have to stick in the present, accept that we cannot change the past and know that our future is in God’s hands.

“Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: 

for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; 

he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.” 

–Deuteronomy 31:6 (KJV)

I want to end this blog with my favorite version of two well-known hymns that really illustrates what it is like to put our faith in God and to know that He walks with us.

If we let Him lead us, there truly is nothing to fear…

Resilience and Peace

Last night, I had a difficult time falling asleep. But unlike most nights, my mind was not overflowing with worried thoughts. Instead, my mind was overflowing with positive memories of something that God has been using to bring peace into my life…Birds.

This song kept coming to my mind last night and this is a song that I have listened to hundreds of times. I used to listen to it and sing it all day long, in the same room where so many of the most difficult times in my life happened. To me, it has always been a reminder that God is always there. Because God is love.

Listen to Twila Paris singing "Love's Been Following You."

As a Christian, I have often been asked when I first believed in God. I have never really been able to pinpoint one point in my life when I knew or when I completely surrendered my life to Him. He has always been a huge part of my life. I have definitely had periods when I have felt closer to Him than others. Sometimes He has seemed as far as He could possibly be, and in those times, doubt crept in. But fortunately those times of doubt usually were very short because God always brought me back. Not because of anything anyone else said. But because of things that He did in my life.

When people have heard my testimony, one of the first words that they say is “Resilience.” I have heard this word a lot throughout the past few weeks. While God has always been a big part of my ability to be resilient, I think the actual first time that I truly devoted my life to Him and surrendered everything to Him was last October, the moment I was praying on my knees asking Him to take my pride away. Ever since then, no matter how difficult things have gotten, I have never lost my hope and there has not been doubt about how He is working in my life.

I had so many nightmares as a child and unfortunately, I can remember quite a few of them. I had quite a few that had variations but I was always being chased by something that scared me. I was overcome by fear and the closer these “bad guys” got to me, the more afraid I became. And there would always come a point when I would bend my knees and jump and I would quickly be soaring in the sky. Sometimes the sky would be dark but most times, the sky would be light as day. I would just fly until my eyes opened and I was back in reality. I am not sure but maybe this is why I have always loved birds. I always wanted to fly like them, to feel the freedom that I felt in those dreams.

The bedroom I grew up in had three windows and it was in the front of the house. There was a huge tree right outside the window. I am not sure how old I was, probably around 9 or 10. I would have to ask my mom, but one day, a bird started to build a nest in that tree. Every day, I would spend a lot of time watching this bird and its babies. I cannot explain what it was like for me to watch the bird take care of its babies and then there came a point when the birds became old enough to try to fly. I was honestly scared for them. They were so little and I feared that they would try to fly and fall and get hurt. No words can really describe my excitement when I saw them fly. I also became sad, because I came to realize that all the time I had spent watching them grow up and transform was coming to an end and that nest would soon become quiet as they flew away.

In the second house I lived in right down the street from the first home I lived in is my second significant memory of a bird. Although this bird was not real. Yet it has still had a profound impact on me to this day. My family argued a lot as I grew up. One night, my mom and brother had their worst argument that I had ever witnessed and at the end of it, my brother came into my room. He gave me a bird sculpture that he had created. He may not have known it at the time, but I felt that through that gift, God was telling me that I had to let him go and give him to God. My brother ended up leaving that night and then my family became just my mom and I. I grew up watching my family literally fall apart. My father was the first to leave, then my oldest brother left, then my other brother left, and then my mom left for a period and it was just me. My brother often apologizes for leaving me when I needed someone. But I am not mad at him, as I am not really angry at any of my family anymore. Of course, I have been angry at them all before, but God has helped me transform that anger into peace and forgiveness.

Over my many years of talking to doctors, therapists, friends, and pastors, many people have come to know that the verse I have thought about the most throughout my life is Isaiah 40:31, a verse that represents “resilience” in a way that is so true and real to me.

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; 

they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 

they shall run, and not be weary; 

and they shall walk, and not faint.” 

–Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)

Eagles are supposed to represent strength and resilience. I read once that they also often fly alone. They are known to wait for a storm and once the winds pick up, they use the winds to rise above the storm. I have shared this with so many people and one of my doctors recently told me that whenever she sees an eagle, she thinks of me.

The third home I lived in is right near a lake. We moved into that home after many months of living out of a suitcase. As I shared in another post, I lived in about 8 different homes over a period of a year or so.

God used that lake to transform and heal me through some extremely difficult times. It was at that lake that I met two swans. Every summer, I would walk around that lake watching the babies of these swans grow up. For many years in a row, I would be deeply saddened as I watched the babies slowly disappear. Year after year, none of their babies survived. This past summer, however, they had eight babies. I prayed every time I saw them and my heart was full of joy as I watched all of them survive this summer. I had a chance to visit them when I was home for the holidays. It was like visiting another family of mine.

What I learned through watching these swans was to never give up, especially on family. These swans went through the worst of the worst together, including Hurricane Sandy. There were so many times that I saw the parents protect their babies against people as well as the geese who also inhabited the lake. I have been extremely angry, upset and disappointed with my family at times, but I have never lost hope in them. I never stopped praying for them. I have asked so many of my friends to pray for them that I often felt like a broken record. But I knew that God would work in their lives and do things that I could not do myself.

My mom and my brother have come a very long way and we are learning slowly but surely what normalcy is, if such a thing exists.

Now as I am healing, does it surprise me that God would yet again use birds to speak to me or teach me a lesson? Not at all.

A few weeks ago, I was at my lowest point. I absolutely thought nobody was there for me and I felt completely abandoned. I did not want to see anyone. I did not want to talk to anyone. But I posted on my Facebook asking for prayer. I ended up walking about 4 or 5 miles to talk to someone I knew could help. I do not remember how I walked that far, except that I literally felt like I was being carried. I said “I need support. I need help.”

That day, I found the lake that I have spent the majority of my time at over the past few weeks.

This past week, I was extremely upset. So I went to the lake to cool down. My anxiety was extremely high and negative thoughts were flowing through my mind. I was listening to Pandora and all of a sudden, I felt this urge to look up. The second I looked up, I saw a white bird soaring and my anxiety and the thoughts just stopped… Abruptly stopped. I was overcome by a peace and calm that I cannot explain with words, something you have to experience to understand.

I called my mom and told her and I said it was a white bird. She kept asking me if it was white. I got frustrated and asked her why she kept asking me if it was white. I told her I know white when I see white. She told me she wanted to make sure she heard me clearly and explained that white birds are a symbol of peace. I did not put it all together until I remembered what I had grown up hearing about the Holy Spirit.

I have seen so many white birds this week since that day and every time I do, I am filled with that same peace and calm. Nine of them actually flew and landed close to me yesterday during the sunset.

I want to end this post with a video of my favorite movie of all time, “Fly Away Home.” When I was younger, I used to watch this movie so many times that my family thought I was crazy. One time I rented the VHS tape from the library and watched it 5 times in one day. They asked me, “You’re still watching that?”

At the beginning of this movie, the girl loses her mother in a car crash, one of the most difficult things that a human can endure. She finds peace and meaning in her life when she finds these geese eggs on her father’s farm. She takes care of the baby geese as they grow up. My favorite scene of this movie and the reason I can watch this movie so many times is at the end when she flies with the geese to their final destination after a very difficult journey over many miles.

This scene always makes me cry, not of sadness, but of great joy because throughout my whole life, this scene has always been a scene of overcoming the most difficult moments in our lives. It is in this scene that she finds peace with the loss of her mother and realizes the meaning in her life.

Hope Endures and Never Fails

What is hope?

2 Corinthians 4:16 explains how I view hope in a very clear and concise way:

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” -2 Corinthians 4:16 (NIV)

I was talking to a friend the other day and as I started to share some of what I have been struggling with, he said to me that he had absolutely no idea. He said that whenever he saw me in the past few years, I was extremely happy, always smiling, always laughing.

There is a huge battle raging inside my heart, mind and soul every single day.

I have been literally weeping on and off for the past few days. Memories have been flooding into my mind of events that I have tried to run away from.

The moment I saw the eviction notice on the front door of my house as a teenager is one of those moments. At the time, I literally felt that my life was wasting away. I had an open case with DYFS (District of Youth and Family Services- the child protective services agency in NJ) in which I was receiving help to try to be put in a foster home. My case worker met with me at my school and told me they were closing my case, even though I did not have a home. She basically said I was too old to put in a foster home. I grew up watching every member in my family get arrested. There is a reason that I was told by many people that I belonged in a foster home.

When we were evicted, I remember going into my room and just crying for an extremely long time, not knowing where I was going to go. All I knew was that I wanted to be as far away from anybody in my family as I possibly could.

Throughout the next few months, I lived out of a suitcase as I went from home to home. That year, I think I stayed in about 7 or 8 different homes of friends. I lost count.  I am extremely thankful that I did not have to live on the streets, but there were definitely challenges to not having a stable place I could call my home.

When we finally did move back into an apartment, the tension was extremely high. That escalated as news came that my oldest brother committed suicide. We will never know exactly why he did it, but he spent most of his life in and out of jail for dealing and abusing drugs, along with other related crimes.

Sometimes this life feels like a huge war. I was blamed for my brother’s suicide and some of that has led to the turmoil I still feel. At my brother’s wake, one of my family members screamed at me right in front of his casket.

I rarely ever open up to anybody about the constant memories I deal with. I do have some very good moments in my life when I feel completely in God’s presence. It is those moments that continue to give me the hope I need to keep going.

It is not that I fake being happy- it’s just that it is so difficult to let people into the deep hurt and pain that I have endured and that I feel as the memories come flooding back. I do not want people to have to feel those feelings with me. I know that God understands and that He cries and weeps with me.

Hope, to me, is knowing that everything is going to be okay even when your heart, mind, soul and especially the world tell you differently. It is something that sometimes makes absolutely no sense when you are going through a huge storm in life but it is hope that reminds me that I have a future in God.

God truly is my strength, my hope and my stronghold. The few people who I have opened up to about some of my past sometimes ask what keeps me going. Without a doubt, it is God’s love in my life. At various points in my life, I have felt completely hopeless but out of nowhere, not making any sense, I feel a sense of hope and peace. I know that I will and can keep moving forward- that God will make a way where I only see darkness, that God will provide the strength I need when I feel extraordinarily weak.