A Letter to the Abused

This is a letter I wrote while in the hospital.

To those who have been abused,

I have been where you are. I have felt the despair of being made to feel inferior, used and demeaned. Trust me when I say that I have felt the great depths of the human condition. I have felt great pain but I have also felt the great heights of God's unconditional love.

You are loved. You are cherished by a power greater than yourself or I could ever be. I can tell you that this life is worth more than gold and it is worth more than what you have been through. I can tell you that you do not have to forgive, for forgiveness should never be forced. I highly encourage you to forgive though.

People are not meant or made to be abused. We were made for true agape, unconditional love- a love that knows no bounds and is there at all times.

You are deeply cared for. There are really good people out there who will love you no matter what. There are people out there who will treat you in the way you deserve to. I am one of them. I have been abused very severely and yet I know that love. I know and understand a deep love that is not sexual but rather loves without condition. A love that looks beyond mistakes and darkness. A love that drives out hate, as Dr Martin Luther King Jr. spoke of.

Hate has no place in this world. Only love can transform this world in a way that is unimaginable and beyond that which we can ever speak of or think of. Anger has a place in this world as well but forgiveness is worth so much more. Forgiveness can transform our hearts in unimaginable ways. It feels very good to release the anger that find a place in our hearts.

Release that fear and anger. It is not correct to create fear in this world. Release the fear that drives hate and anger. Release all the tension of what you have been through.

I say that I do not want people to pity me about what I have been through because pity does not get me anywhere. It is just pity. I find great strength in helping others and healing people who have been through what I have been through. I find strength in transforming the world with what little I have. To know that I have made a difference in another person's life helps all the mistakes and all the evil in my life worth it. It makes my life meaningful.

I am sorry for what you have been through. You did not deserve it. You are stronger than the circumstances you have found yourself in. You are more than the evil. You are a great person who was born todo something with your life. You do not have to change the world. All you have to do is change the world for one person. If I've met you, you've made a difference in the world because you helped me to transform the world. Please take this life seriously because you only have one. Make the most of it.

You are deeply loved. Deeply cherished for being you. You are a beautiful child of God. You are to be respected. You are wanted, needed and accepted for you. You have a place in this world. You are to be loved in an appropriate manner. You are not to be used or disrespected. You are wonderful. You are a beautiful being with feelings, emotions and behaviors. You are not an object. You are to be loved and cherished from the moment you are born to the moment you take your last breath. We all make mistakes but know that I love you.

Love,
Chelsea Kowal (Mother Chelsea)

Free to Move Forward

"Having chosen not to be a victim crippled by childhood trauma, I felt free- as if heavy chains had been removed from my legs. I was free to move wherever the river of life might take me."
-R.B. Mitchell, Castaway Kid

Today is the day I get my cap and gown for my Masters graduation. It is crazy to think how far I've come in the past year. Tomorrow marks 8 months without a hospitalization, something I honestly thought would never happen. Four more months to a year.

I came across the above quote this morning and had to write about it because I feel in a big way that I am moving forward in a very positive direction. I found a possible job at NYU a few days ago and am really excited about applying. There are a few other places I am looking.

I am thankful beyond measure to everyone who has helped me get this far, with their prayers, encouragement, and unending support. It is because of you that I am graduating.

I like this quote because it is a reminder that I am not a victim of childhood trauma, but instead a survivor and I walk forward into the life God has called me as a strong survivor. There is much power in recognizing this. There is freedom.

And yes, as I move forward, I feel free.

Standing Up

For as long as I can remember, I have been a victim of bullying.

When I was a young child, my father was my bully. He teased me to the point that I cried. He abused me in every way to the point that I cried. And then he yelled at me for crying. I remember he used to have nicknames for me and I constantly told him to stop calling me them but he never listened. Each time I told him to stop abusing me, he laughed and kept doing what he was doing. I can't even count the number of times I told him to stop. He never listened to my pleas for mercy.

When I was in elementary school , middle school and high school, I had bullies as well. I remember being called midget throughout both schools. I was smaller than most of the others my age. I attribute that to not having a lot of food in the house due to my family being poor.

Others around me teased me to the point that I cried. Much like what my father did. Actually, I guess I got used to it. I guess being abused as a child made me an easy target.

A few years I Googled my name, like they say you should, and I came across a blog that someone had written about me. They said I looked like a chipmunk, that I was ugly and that it was so funny that they made me cry in gym. I cried again when I read their post.

Bus rides were never fun. There was one particular bully on my bus who taunted me on most days. He once gave me a piece of paper that said that I was “flat sh**” and “ugly.” Another day he hit my face with an umbrella.

Being bullied throughout my life, pretty much since I was 3 years old, has not been easy. I’ve been trying to stand up for myself and move forward. Although I cried a lot to my mom growing up about the bullying, she never really taught me to retaliate or “get even.”

I did stand up to one bully who was teasing another student. Along with me, he taunted another student on the bus due to a medical condition. One day when he was teasing him, I told him something to the effect of “It does not make you cool to make fun of him. Please stop making fun of him.” Surprisingly, he stopped teasing him and, eventually, me.

Bullying doesn’t make you cool. It doesn’t make you funny or hilarious. It damages the soul of the person you’re bullying. Words really can break you inside.

Taking Back Control

There's something about moving to a new place that is so exciting. I've spent the last two days or so discovering things about my new place and seeing how close I am to places (or how far).

One of the things I love about my new place is that people actually decorate the outside of their apartments. So I joined the club this morning and decorated the outside of my apartment with a table and a chair that I found yesterday. It's a perfect place to sit out and read.

People at my new apartment are so nice. I've had a chance to meet quite a few of my new neighbors in the past few days and it's been a blessing. Not to mention that at my last apartment, I didn't know anyone on my floor until 3 months after I moved in. I love the environment of my new apartment.

I am currently reading a book about paranoia and terror. It was written by a trauma therapist and so I have found it incredibly interesting and helpful even though it's focused on the aftermath of 9/11. I wanted to share a passage that really spoke to me yesterday.

"The [terrorist's] strategy is that of a playground bully who targets someone for random ambush beatings. Of course, the bully may get a charge out of watching his victim suffer physically...but ultimately, it is a psychological game that he plays. What even the grade-school tyrant enjoys most is knowing that his victim feels helpless, and far too hopeless...In this way, he gains influence over another person- keeps him in a state of fear and dread, not just at the time and place of the beatings, but day in and day out."
-Martha Stout, The Paranoia Switch

As I read this quote, I thought to myself, That's what happened to me on a smaller scale in the years of abuse I endured!

What this quote made me realize is that I really do have the control of how much power I give my abuser. It's a "psychological game." For years, I was frightened as a child, but I don't have to let that be my life for the rest of my life. That was then and this is now. It's a new day.

I've had people tell me that the abuse is not actually about the abuse but instead it's about power and control. I think I know what that means now.

I want to take back the power that was stolen from me... I feel that this new move is a great way to begin my process of taking back control.

The Steering Wheel

I spent most of yesterday at a friend’s home. Last night, we watched a movie, Safe Haven, in which a woman is being followed by her husband who is after her. He wants to kill her and he has a history of being extremely abusive.

There were some scenes in the movie that were difficult to watch, but there is one scene in particular that was very empowering and made it worth watching a difficult movie. Since I had read the book by Nicholas Sparks, I knew the ending already, which helped significantly.

Without giving too much away, there was a scene in the movie in which the woman stands up to her abusive husband. She basically says “Enough is enough” and stands her ground.  She stands up for herself and stops running from him. She stops running from her greatest fear. I think one of the most significant things she says to him was “You hurt me.” Simple yet profound . She calls out the abuse for what it is. She is no longer controlled by him. She sees him for what he truly is and she’s angry.

The reason I love this scene is because that’s where I think I am in my own life. I’m standing up for myself after years of abuse. I’m saying enough is enough and I’m angry. I’m gaining back my voice after years of not being heard. I’m taking back the control.

I wanted to yell at the TV, “You go girl!” I wanted to fight alongside her. In her husband, I saw all the people who have hurt me and abused me.  I saw all the fears and everything I’ve been running from. I saw myself fighting and taking back control.

It is incredibly empowering when you call abuse for what it is. Growing up in it, I thought it was normal but around age 13, I realized it wasn’t normal. It’s taken a very long time to work on recovering from it. I’m still in the process. I currently am going through trauma therapy and it’s not easy. I am learning to call it what it is. I am learning how to be heard and how to fight for my life again. It’s a huge piece in taking back control of my life.

Taking back control is sometimes a huge leap forward in recovering. It’s about getting rid of the victim mentality and realizing that even though we can’t control the past or change it, we can move forward in a positive direction.

As I was writing this, I was reminded of one of my favorite songs, You Gotta Be by Des'ree. I listened this for many years and it gave me a lot of strength to get through some really difficult stuff.

The chorus is as follows:

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser

You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger

You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together

All I know, all I know

Love will save the day.

Victim or Victor?

Today has been a better day. My depression is finally lifting and I've started to work on my book. Some exciting things are happening in my life which I'm really excited about. Things seemed to turn around this morning.

It's a beautiful day here in Florida...

Even the flowers are out in full bloom...

In preparation for my book, I have been reading through past emails and diary entries. I came across this, which I really wanted to share. I wrote this a few months after my suicide attempt and it really spoke to me just now when I read it. Because we all have issues that we face in our lives, there comes a point in time when we either give in to those challenges or we stay focused on the positive, fighting through each day through the strength of God.


I went through a long period of time where I hated my life and all the crap in it. I mean, really... I thought I was the only one in my high school with real issues like abuse, homelessness, suicide, drugs, alcoholics in the family. I felt like nobody else had it worse off than me. I was angry at God for letting me go through all of this stuff.

But I hit kind of a turning point where I realized that I could either mope around and feel sorry for myself or I could be an example for others who are struggling and give glory to God and praise Him in the storms. I also realized that I was not the only one who has issues. I mean, really, everyone has their own issues. Nobody leads a perfect life... At my college, barely anyone knows about my past or even that I have PTSD, because I don't want peoples' pity...I am not sorry anymore that I went through so many struggles, because God is using me.

I think that's the moment that I became a victor instead of a victim. I mean, to me, someone who is a victor celebrates their life, even the hard times. They know that God is in their lives and no matter how hard life gets, God loves them and will be there for them. I mean, I was a "victim" of abuse, homelessness, losing my brother to suicide, neglect, but look at how these things have shaped me into who I am today. I would not be the strong and empathetic person I am today without those situations. God has a reason for everything and he had a reason for everything and he had a reason for letting those things happen to me. By going through all those struggles, God has given me an opportunity to be an example and a witness to others going through the same struggles... I think the moment we switch from being a victim to being a victor is the moment that we realize that all the struggles in our life can be turned into something beautiful for the glory of God.